Time flies-and sometimes your not even having fun...

I guess it's time for reflecting huh? Thinking about all the ways 2005 sucked and how 2006 is going to be wonderful and fabulous and yadda, yadda, yadda. I mean, 2005 did suck and in my opinion MY 2006 IS going to be fabulous. I'm just kind of tired of saying it out loud-Let's get it started!
I have such a fan-tabulous year planned. Planned is the operative word-nothing to date has ever really gone "as planned" in my life. This some how doesn't deter me from planning though. I'm pretty much booked all year although, things don't really start rolling until April. This year my friends and I will begin to turn "A certain age". I don't official cross that bridge until 2007 but I'm still close enough to feel the fire and smell the smoke. I'm coming to terms with it, no really I am. When I arrive I'm preparing myself to feel nothing less than blessed. Some people in my life didn't make it to 30-sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Then I feel foolish because every day is really a precious gift.
Next subject.
Tomorrow night is the big night. The biggest night of the year for most. In October the whispers start and by Thanksgiving most people "have a place". By this I mean, they know where they are spending New Years Eve. They've paid the big bucks to stand elbow to elbow in a building full of sweaty, drunk strangers and celebrate the passing of the old and the birth of the new.
In years passed, I've frantically searched for "some place to go" and "some thing to wear" and actually felt anxiety. I used to believe that how one spent New Years Eve was indicative of what the anticipated year held. I don't really believe that anymore.
Last New Years Eve by no fault of my own, (actually maybe it was-I made plans with a liar) I spent the evening alone. It made me sad on so many levels. I've been alone at night before...that wasn't it. It was the fact that I made plans with this guy who basically stood me up-on New Years Eve of all nights. He never really apologized for it either, not in the way I wanted to hear. We were in telephone contact all night but he couldn't seem to break himself away from his friends so that we could go out-and he didn't want me to come to where he was with his friends because of some lame excuse. Last New Years Eve as I rejected an invitation from a girlfriend to a house party moments after realizing that I was going to spend the night alone I laid on my bed and cried. It wasn't just the fact that I'd bought a new outfit and new makeup or that I was already dressed when I realized (and then decided) I wasn't going anywhere. It was the silence that was screaming in my apartment that made me cry. Rewinding MIML that had come to naught. It was watching in silence all the smiling people in Times Square on the television that I couldn't bare to hear laughing and enjoying themselves. They seemed to be mocking my feelings of abandonment. It was knowing my friends were all "some where" doing "some thing" and I couldn't bring myself to call them in tears and ruin their night. I couldn't bear to call and have them think of me as I felt in those moments as I lay there.
This year I've decided that I'm going to take it easy this year. I haven't bought an outfit, I'm not obsessing. I have asked a few people what they will be up to because well, old habits die hard. The thing is I'm not really feeling crazy because I don't have plans set in stone. I'm feeling like-I'll go where the night takes me and I'll be sure to report back all the gory details come Tuesday. This is my life, if you know nothing you KNOW there WILL be details.

Well kids, If you don't be good be careful!

Good Night and Good Luck in the New Year!

Christmas Day 2005

Santa brought me what I wanted this year. He allowed my family to stop dissing the functional and just pretend to be normal for a few hours.
Even when my dad arrived drunk and without a formal invitation to the Christmas Eve gathering we still all made it through the evening. Behind frozen smiles, avoiding each others eyes we lost ourselves in the childrens joy and we made it through. Putting it out there like that it might still seem a bit dysfunctional to some but to me it's progress. We haven't ever been able to do that. At some point someone just can't keep it together and they go off the deep end.
I've come to believe that happiness is something that you create-in some ways it's a figment of your imagination(The mind after all is a powerful thing). If this is true than we did a good job. We used our brains! (Mothers across the globe had their wish come true-a child used their brain). Speaking to my sisters prior to last night I made them aware of my expectation for Christmas Eve. I wanted to have a nice day-a day without drama. We were all in one accord in this regard. I'm glad that everyone prepared their hearts and minds before arriving and that we all stuck to the goal.

Wish I was here...

I still stand behind 'em-only now I'm on my knees...

Praying to God to-MAKE IT STOP! Pretty pretty please make it stop. I'll never complain about the transit system again, not even when the "G" train is referred to as Brigadoon-appearing out of the mist once every 100 years. I promise. I'm sleep deprived, I haven't finished Christmas shopping and my mom is coming into the city via Greyhound within the next 24 hours.
There is something that brings me solace though...the fact that my family isn't the only dysfunctional thing going on this holiday season. This year everyone gets to taste it.

Today is Wednesday

I spent all day yesterday at my friends house. Instead of fighting our way into Manhattan to our respective places of employment we set up shop in her livingroom. I manned the pc and she took over the laptop. With the local news channel as our backdrop we chatted and worked. We DID actually work. I even made my 12:30pm deadline. After putting in our unofficial hourage we devoured cheap chinese, homemade brownies and milk.
Today I'm back to the traditional grindstone. I got up early, showered quickly, dressed in clothes that appeared to be in the same color scheme and stumbled into the dark cold morning. This morning though I had no cramped train ride to dread, I didn't have to let a train or two pass because they were too full. Today there were no trains. The Transit Workers Union is on strike, they feel as if they are being short changed by the MTA. I stand behind them, I do, I support them. They deserve basic human kindness and consideration. Mayor Bloomberg is way off base in some of the things that he has said thus far, in my humble opinion. This is not however the time nor the place.
Today I tried to work really hard and stay focused all day but-not really happening. My To Do list keeps running around in my head and it's on repeat. I still need a "little something" for this one and a gift bag for "that one" and other random things. I'm not even really sure what day it is. Every day this week has seemed like a week in and of itself. I keep thinking that Friday is Christmas Eve and freaking out-but then I remember, it's Saturday and I take a breath. Friday my mom and brother will be up from VA. Saturday and Sunday my whole family will be together, there will be plenty of time to freak out.

It's Monday,

and Mondays are always tough. This really touched me this morning.

Come back home wit' me for a little bit...

On Saturday I dropped off four rolls of seriously neglected film. They have been sitting in my apartment for a while. They chronical various time periods this summer. I've been dying to see how they turned out but laziness has kept me forgetting to develop them. Last night I picked them up along with about $200.00 worth of goods and merchandise for the various children in my life (stop having kids people...no seriously).
I thought I'd take you on a trip down memory lane today. Trips are always fun right? Tonight I leave for a trip to D.C. I'm going to reunite with the 6 young girls I mentored on a 8 day backpacking trip in West Virginia this summer. The experience is one that I will never forget. Myself and other mentor are driving down tonight and are scheduled to meet 3-4 of the girls and their youth leader tomorrow for an afternoon about town. I'm really excited to see the girls, we have been in touch since the trip in August and some of them are doing better than others.
They appear in the photos.
And so it begins...

This is Naliyah (Leah) my baby niece...isn't she the cutest!

This is a picture of Hannah and Noelle, my other nieces. Hannah is the one leaning on her hands. Her sister is next to her.



My brother Matt...



Jason and I...he would probably stop talking to me if he knew I posted this. It's not a flattering picture of him...I look okay though...




Halloween this year...



This is the heavy hitter-My little cousin Jayson. He was born 11 lbs at birth and fit clothing for a 3 month old coming home from the hospital. He was delivered naturally (ouch?).








This is the group that I am going to see this weekend.

On this cold winter day I'm going to leave with the money shot. The BBQ, the epidemy of what summer is all about. These next few months are going to be hard and I need all the happy thoughts I can hold with both hands.

Here's to Summer! We love you, and miss you, come back soon now ya' hear!

This little piggy goes crack, crack, crack all the way to the Orthopedist

Once again, if it can happen it will happen to me. Three weeks into the training season for the race in April and I break a toe last night. Yes folks, didn't think you could break those little buggers did you? Well, Miss. Maria figured it out-yes, y'all she did.
How? you ask? Well I'll tell you. I was in the bathroom hanging christmas lights (yes-the bathroom). I thought the bathroom would be a nice place for white lights because it would be decoration and a night light all in one. So I pulled the step stool into the bathroom, climbed up and was on my way to creating my masterpiece. After I hung the lights on the top of the window, I heard my phone ringing to Jason's ringtone. I jumped down, answered the phone and headed back to the bathroom. I climbed back on the step stool holding my phone in place with my shoulder so my hands would be free to arrange the lights. I kind of remember thinking, I should stop this isn't going to work with me on the phone. I remember laughing at something Jason said and trying to step down off the step stool, but feeling off balance and then reaching out for the (plastic) towel rack. The next thing I felt was the scrap of the plastic dowel as it slid up my forearm and the fire in my toe. I dropped the phone and tried to stand upright but pain shot through my foot. At that point, I couldn't pinpoint the source of the pain. I could hear Jason yelling my name into the phone but I couldn't respond because I'd been knocked senseless in agony.
When I finally found my voice I searched for the phone under the random clothing pieces that had slid off the towel rack when it fell. I reassured Jason that I was indeed going to live but not without some pain. I held some frozen vegetables for lack of ice cubes on my foot for a little while then went to bed.
Even before I had my X-ray at work today I knew it was broken. I broke another toe when I was in college, same foot. You don't forget the pain-it's like a stubbed toe that won't quit.
I'm feeling really sad because I'm not sure what this means in terms of training. I don't belong to a gym and I can't really AFFORD to belong to one. All of our training is outdoors. I'm scheduled to see an orthopedist Friday so-I guess she'll let me know what will or will not be.
I refuse to give up...even if I have to walk I plan to be out there with the best of 'em.

Maybe it's all I need...

This weekend I spent a few hours with my nieces Noelle and Hannah. They are five and four respectively. As we waited for my brother in law and sister to finish checking out at Kohl's Hannah looked over at me and informed me that she was getting me something for Christmas. Hannah being the pip that she is had me hooked in anticipation.
"Really?" I asked. "Well, I'm getting you something too, what are you getting me?".
"A wedding dress" she replied without batting an eye. I tried to keep a straight face but the corners of my mouth were twitching. "Why are you getting me a wedding dress Hannah?" "Because I want you to wear one tomorrow". Then Noelle turns to me and asks me if I had a brush. I told her that I do but I didn't bring it with me, I only have a comb. Noelle pauses from playing with the doll in her hand and says, "I'm going to get you a brush...AND a comb".

Maybe THIS is what my life has been missing...

From the mouth of babes.

Calling all Knitters and Crocheters...

On Saturday, January 14, 2006 I will be co-hosting the launch of a fabulous new knitting/crocheting circle. This event will kick off at an uber cool Union Square locale and will be open to all skill levels. For those of you who don't know what a circle is (gasp)...it's a place for knitters and crocheters a like to get together and socialize, share projects and in the case of THIS circle...put a few back and sing karaoke. A circle is kind of like a book club for knitters and crocheters. If you or someone you know is interested email me and I will make sure that you are on the list for the official invite.

It's all the rave...and you get to meet me!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Sunday evening Jason suggested we "go see the tree". I've only actually "seen the tree" a handful of times and it seemed like a nice way to wrap up the weekend. We arrived around 9:00pm and Rockefeller Center was bustling with activity. Familes, lovers and other groups huddled together in the cold to snap shots with the famous tree as the backdrop. The plaza was set up with angel and heart figurines perfect for posing with. Even Sponge Bob and Santa were there willing to take a picture with you for $7.00. Even we got in on the action.
As we looked down on the ice skaters in the rink Jason had an "ah-ha" moment. He decided we needed to ice skate to complete the experience. I tried to explain to him that I can't even rollerskate and that me on ice with razor blades on my feet is just asking for trouble. I pointed to The Rock Center Cafe and suggested a drink, on ME even. I tried to convince him that HE should definetly do it-don't let me stop the fun. I'll take lots of pictures and smile and wave. He finally conceded but, I felt bad. He was like a little boy who wants to show you his latest trick and I was saying I didn't have time. So, I agreed.
$50.00 later we were strapped into your every own ice skates and headed out to the rink. The moment my foot touched the ice my life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly the rink that I had boldly proclaimed looked so small upstairs looked like acres of unchartered land. About an hour into the experience Jason was able to pry my cold, alive hands from the side of the rink and hand in hand we made the best of it. I wasn't the only one out there who looked like a fish out of water, and for that I was thankful. I didn't fall once, which is more than I could say for the woman who broke her ankle right in front of me.
When we wrapped up the night it was 12:00 am and we (okay, it was me) were hungry. After stopped off for a something to fill the void he dropped me home. As I snuggled into bed visions of sugar plums danced in my head.

Sometimes you don't know what you got-even when it's gone

"And every time I see him put the bottle to his mouth he doesn't suck out of it-it sucks outof him" -One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Rumor has it your up to your old tricks

Trying to fill your soul

with your liquid gold

So many years

So many tears

still hasn't lost it's hold

yet it's all you have left

Family gone

Home gone

Health gone

Nothing remains and you still refuse to change

Thanksgiving Update

The essay section (read previous post) went well. I passed and that is what really counts.

Before I go there though, I should start at the beginning. I guess I should start at the part where the un-insured rental car that we were driving got hit on the Verazzano Bridge. After that, I'll tell you about how we missed the turn onto Route 13 after the Delaware Memorial Bridge and wound up driving 3 hours out of our way.

So...yeah...we got hit. Jason was driving the way he usually does, like a bat outta hell and I was trying to find my happy place so I didn't say anything to agitate him. Okay, maybe he's not THAT bad but you don't really want to mess with him when he's driving...he's a man on a mission when he's behind the wheel. A James Bond mission that is.

What had happened was...I'm really not sure actually because I have this bad habit of not paying attention when I'm being chauffered. What I do remember is-us stopping short and feeling the car behind us hit us ever so gently from behind followed immediately with a gentle cracking sound. The next sound that I remember hearing is Jason's voice as his vocabulary exploded into four letter words and him jumping out of the car screaming at the top of his lungs, "But it's a rental, it's a RENTAL MAN". Highway patrol found us and did the necessary paper work and sent us on our way. The fate that would await us upon returning the car loomed in the back of our minds but we journeyed on.

Journey we did do...five hours later on I-95 my mom called to see how things were and how close we were. When we mentioned that we were still on I-95 she informed us that we were indeed headed in the right direction but that we had missed our turn for a more direct trip. Mom informed us that we could continue but that she would consult her map and give us a call back. She also informed us to never take a trip without a map again.

Once we arrived in Virginia things went smoothly. My mom's friend almost didn't come because he knew that my siblings and I would be there. I guess he was afraid we'd burn him at the stake or something. This didn't make me happy though because it made my mom sad so, I did the noble thing. I called him and asked politely (as politely as I could) if he could make sure to arrive in a timely fashion. He missed the day due to transportation gliches with Greyhound but he finally made it. That made my mom happy and so that made me happy.
My brother was really glad to see his friends from New York that came up with us. They were inseparable for the whole time that we were there. Jason never missed a beat, you would have thought that he'd been around for years. The food was delish and everyone was happy. It was a very nice holiday overall.

Epilogue

Jason gave a $200.00 deposit towards damages that are estimated to be between $500.00 and $1000.00. He will be billed for the balance.

My Thanksgiving Promise

I've been penning my thoughts the last few days...like in the old days. I sometimes transfer my thoughts from the notebook to the big screen but today I'm not in the mood for all the work.
Thanksgiving is moments away. The actual day that is, this past Saturday I celebrated thanksgiving with my dad and sisters and their children. It went well, uneventful. Family gatherings rarely go uneventfully but I'm thankful that it did. It almost didn't, it could have gotten ugly-I was a big girl though I didn't take the bait. When my sister's new guy friend got snotty I didn't rip him a new one-like I wanted to, no, I just smiled and pretended he didn't just use a "tone" with me. He truly had nerve but I'm not going to go there. The day overall was good. If this Thanksgiving Holiday is being divided like a Mid-term exam that was the multiple choice. Thursday with my Mom is going to be the essay section. The essay part is always the part of the exam that I paused and took a few minutes to ponder over. I wanted to make sure that every word counted. I wanted to make sure I could say it all in 250 words or more. That is what the next few days will be like. I'll be watching my words making sure I don't say anything to offend my mother and her "friend" who I can't stand. I love my mother and I'll do this for her. I'll pause before I speak, form the words in my head before I let them walk over the bridge of my tongue and through the gate of my teeth. I'll be the good daughter, just like I was the good sister Saturday. I won't be the bi-otch everyone expects me to be. I promise.

music that makes me smile

Just when I thought I couldn't love Mariah's music anymore than I already do she comes out with this.

I haven't lost my mind...

I KNOW it's not nice out but, this is too funny!

April 30, 2006

I am officially signed up for the New Jersey Half Marathon on April 30, 2006!

I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'm going to run 13.1 miles! I am registered as a member of Team in Training with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am so excited about the shape I will be in come the spring. I am excited about the shape I will be in come May when I go to Cancun for my friends wedding. I am also excited to raise money for a great cause, cancer research.

Leave me alone...

Why does every NYC man (okay, not every but you get me) feel that it is their God given right to speak to me in the morning? They also feel that just because THEY speak I should RESPOND. I don't understand this. I just want to walk in peace.
I mean did you see your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife off with as much gusto as your using to get my attention this morning? I dare say you did not.
When I am walking down the sidewalk and I CLEARLY see you and do NOT make any attempt to acknowledge you, let me be. You invading my personal space to yell Good Morning over what you assume are working headphones does not make me want you. Ps-the headphones aren't even attached to a working device. They are just a deterant for the likes of men like you...obviously you didn't get the memo.
I'm flattered you find me so breathtaking that you must make you rpresence known to me. I would be more flattered if you would just smile and nod. It lets me know you saw me and it lets you know I saw you. Then we move on. You go home to your family or work or wherever you're going and have a nice life.
When you agitate me like this it takes me awhile to calm down and get my attitude back on track. That pisses Momma off.

Suburbia

Before everything happened on Saturday I was headed home to Long Gisland. I use the term home loosely. In this case, home only connotates place of birth and growing up years. I'm not really that fond of the place in all honesty.
So, I was headed to out to celebrate the first birthday of my best gal pal's son. I made the trek because your only one once. The next birthday I'll see him at is his sweet 16.
I tried to be conscience of what I wore to this suburban shin-dig. I didn't want anything to low or tight or high. Anything that might confirm there suspicions that I'm a fornicatin', drinkin', unmarried city girl. I know they don't ALL think like that but, some of 'em do. I was mostly nervous about seeing gal pal's mom. The last time she got me alone she took my hand and with all the love in the world asked me, "Don't you WANT to get married?". "Sure Mom I wanna get hitched some day but uhm, I'm not going to stand on the corner with a sign in my hand. When and if it is supposed to happen it will". She hurt my feelings with that. I mean it was a couple years ago and she's not the only one who's inquired so I should be over it I guess.
I know my family has wondered for years since I've been out of college. I never brought anyone home, I never talked about anyone. My mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was gay, always in a joke. She would always finish up the question with, "Because if you were, I don't have a problem with that. Your my daughter and I love you".It still hurt.
I dated off and on. No one really stuck. I didn't want to just bring ANYONE home to my family. If I'm bringing them to my family-I like them- a lot. I feel about my family the way single parents feel about introducing their child to someone they date. You only do it if it's going somewhere. That is my motto.
So this was my dilemna Saturday. Then I remembered, this is the children's party today. Last night, was the family get together...I wouldn't have to be roasted at the stake after all. Of course at the children's party would be all the late 20-somethings with their 2.5 children and 2 carat diamond engagement rings with matching eternity bands. They never ask me why I'm not married but I see the questions in their eyes. "How are things" they say. Things are always good. Even if things were bad, do they REALLY want to know about how bad they are? I don't think so. I'm not part of their club, this Suburban Wives Club. I'm a part of the NYC Women's Club. I don't want to give us a bad name so, things are always Fab-U-Lous!
Maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. No, It's them, I have conferred with other NYC Women and married or unmarried (see in the NYC club the married women are a different breed) they know what I'm talking about. It's definetly a suburbia thing. You must be married or engaged by 25 or else. It's not just the Jewish girls either. It's everyone.
I used to feel a lot of pressure. I don't anymore. It's my life. Now that I'm seeing someone I'm sure by next year my mom will want to know when we're getting married. After all I'm pushing 30 and haven't had a kid yet, oh the horror!

I can't make this stuff up...

I have no faith in the criminal justice system. None. I believe that all cops are corrupt and abusive of their power. I hate them all. I'm not looking to be reformed-I'm too far gone.
My 16 yo brother was arrested today. He allegedly robbed a woman at gun point. Anyone who knows my brother knows that this is not possible. I'm not being the naive big sister. I know my brother, he's not "that type". He plays video games and rides bikes, his favorite past time is annoying his sisters. He hasn't even make enough friends in Virginia to have access to a gun (well there is that one cousin...). My brother has be home from school for two days because of testing and holidays, home with my mom. That's why she made him go out this morning. He went to Wendy's to apply for a job.
He left at 10am and called my mom at 10:15am to inform my mom that the cops "had him". My mom ran to the Wendy's - Yes, ran. When she arrived she found five police cars and my 16 yo brother being read his Miranda Rights. He cried as he was handcuffed and placed against a wall. When he was put in the police car my mom asked to sit with him. Her request was denied.
An hour later after interviewing the woman accusing my brother, he was released. They took his picture though. I told my mom to refuse this but trying to be a law abiding citizen she let the pigs win.
He's home now, safe? (well that I don't know) but, he's home. He wants now more than ever to come back to New York and I can't blame him.

...

I remember being three years old and being at my mother's wedding. I had the chicken pox and my face was covered in calamine lotion. At the reception I wasn't feeling well and someone brought me home. My next memory is at five. It was a summer day and I was walking to the store with my mom. We were visiting Nana and Pop that day. My mom shared a story with me that changed my life. I remember feeling the shift, even at five years old. She told me about how the man she married wasn't the man who made me. She explained to me what that meant. I still remember how I felt hearing that in my little girl ears. I felt sad. I felt like I lost something.
I remember being seven. My mom told me that she needed to talk to me about something. She came into my room with a pencil and some sheets of paper. We sat on the bed and she explained what "getting your period" meant. She also explained to me what sex was. My mom drew diagrams of the male and female reproductive system complete with labels. I remember hoping I wouldn't get my period until I was sixteen. To me, sixteen seemed like the perfect age because I would be able to go to Genovese and buy sanitary napkins without feeling embarrassed. I "got my period" at age nine. My mother was working nights at the time and I didn't tell her for two months. I just used toilet paper.
I remember being eight and my father getting really drunk and breaking the glass cover that contained the record player. That was the first time I remember him getting violent.
I remember being nine turning ten. It was the morning of my tenth birthday party and I'd invited friends from school for a birthday party. It was a Saturday morning. We had to set up the screened-in porch for the party because the night before my father punched holes in the walls.
I remember my dad took us all to see the movie "Song of the South". That was a nice day. I remember leaving the movie theatre and the sun being out.
I remember my mom reading us "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" every night at bedtime. I remember her buying us chocolate for the part when they reach the factory.
I remember my grandfather having Thanksgiving dinner with us the year after my grandmother died. He said that he was thankful to be with us that day.
I remember that I never realized we didn't have much money until I was a teenager.
I remember when my parent's separated, I was in ninth grade. We moved into a house that was in really bad shape. I remember we didn't have food. I remember my mom applied for public assistance. I remember thinking I loved my mom so much. I wished there was something I could do. I remember my dad finished rehab and came home. I remember feeling sad.
I remember moving into a nice new house. I remember having the things that we needed. I remember my mom going back to college. I remember her finishing and going to graduate school. I remember feeling proud.
I remember moving away from home and missing my family.
I remember falling in love with "E". I remember being so happy. I remember growing up and knowing it wasn't right. I remember saying goodbye.
I remember when I stopped hating my father. I remember when I started understanding. I remember laying in my sister's room on the first day of school eve. We would peek out of the window and hope the sun would come up so we could wear our new clothes. I remember getting my sisters together upstairs in one of our rooms and praying daddy would stop yelling. Praying that mommy would be able to get some sleep tonight.
I remember my dad bringing home cupcakes for us on Valentines Day.
I remember how I felt last year when my parent's finally separated. I remember the day my nieces were born.I remember the day "E" died. I remember the day I graduated from high school and college. I remember the first time I went out with Jason. I remember how it feels to lie on the beach with no worries. I remember...I remember it all...

The Difference

Alone feels like
Your favorite movie with no interruptions
Waking up without an agenda
Saturday afternoon to do as you please
Peace

Lonely feels like
Your the only one left on the planet
Darkness without light
No one to kiss goodnight
Empty

Things are good

Lately I've been feeling restless. Maybe uneasy is a better word. My personal life is for once, calm. Is this normal? I don't know, I don't do normal so I wouldn't really know what to look for. I just got off the phone with an old friend she asked about the MIML. My only response was, "Things are good". No, "I have stories to tell" no, "Please, I don't even want to think about" no, "Who?". Things are actually undramatic and uncomplicated on the romantic front. This weekend marks 8 months since our first date. Time really flies.
I feel kind of guilty that my personal life is in the state that it's in and the rest of the world (family/friends) seem to be falling into pieces. I mean I've still got plenty of issues but who doesn't?
Last night I had tea and conversation with a couple of friends who allowed me to join their Knitting Circle for an evening. Tonight I'm meeting up with my book club to have dinner and we will update each other on the lastest in our lives. Tomorrow night I'm running, Friday I'll be out with the MIML. My life is really full right now, I'm so happy for that. I remember a time when it wasn't this way. For once I want to put my insecurities aside and just enjoy the moment.

from the mouths of babes

Yesterday after leaving work I walked to the subway station. I ended up walking behind a man with his son and beside a women with a young boy in a stroller. At East 67th and 2nd avenue the little boy holding his fathers hand recognized that he was standing next to his classmate. His eyes lit up when he saw his friend and he smiled and waved and tried to get his father to turn and look and see his friend. Father only turned to tell little boy to, "Come on", because the light had changed. Little boys smile faded as he was pulled across the street. Little boy turned around halfway across the street, his eyes trying to locate his friend. When he made eye contact he held out his one free arm to his friend and started singing what appeared to be a nursery school rhyme. I couldn't help but smile.

Epilogue-If it can happen, It will happen

The money was NOT posted to my account this morning. I had to call the bank, they credited the account with me on the phone.

If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME

The story of my life has been, If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME. I've learned to accept that truth. Accepting is half the battle. This leads to less frustruation on my part when something goes wrong.
Take this Saturday for instance. My best gal pal was in town for some shopping and eating and a day without baby bags. After we warmed up our shopping skills in Daffy's and DSW I hit the ATM. I wanted to have cash on hand because when shopping by plastic I often forget that everytime I swipe the card, my hard earned money (okay, well you know what I mean) is snatched from my account faster than I can make it back.
I approached the Bank of America ATM giving it the once over. I mean I'm a hip NYC girl, I know you have to be warying of ATM's that have devices on them that steal your identity. Although if anyone ever attempted to steal my identity-they'd probably want to give it right back with an apology, "Sorry, I had NO idea". So after my thorough evaluation, I dipped my card in the ATM. This was one of the ATM's where you just dip your card in and take it right back out. I added my PIN number pressed enter, requested $100.00, was then informed I'd be charged $2.00. I accepted this punishment for using a foreign ATM then waited as "transaction proccessing" flashed. I waited for the whur of the bills being dropped down into the dispenser, nothing. I shifted nervously on my feet, "What is taking so long?". I turned to my gal pal who was finished getting her fun pass at this point, "Nothing's happening, It won't give me my money"
"Is there money to be got?"
"For once, yeah"
I pressed CANCEL, nothing. I pressed every key on the machine. The machine went black and started to reboot itself. Never stopping to dispense my $100.00. My eyes searched frantically for a telephone number to call. I wanted to dial 9-1-1 but my eyes found a number. I dialed the toll free number was informed that this number had been changed, I dialed the new number and was informed that, "This number has been disconnected message 5428".
This seemed so fitting for my life, I barely batted an eye as I called Citibank. After hitting random numbers trying to talk to a person, I finally spoke to Louisa. Louisa informed me that yes, it did look as if I had taken out $102.00 dollars but Citibank would be able to tell on an electronic level that I had not. She assured me that Tuesday morning I would be credited for $102. 00. I want to believe her, I don't.

a birthday memory

This picture was taken on my 26th or 27th birthday. I can never remember. We're at Cabana at the south street seaport. All I can remember is that I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday that year. It was a first. I was going to let the day pass quietly by and throw a pity party for one. Funny how now I can't even really remember what had me so down. Life is strange that way.
A few friends decided if it was going to be a pity party, I'd have to open up the guestlist. It felt so nice to be surrounded by people who cared about me. I always look at myself as someone in the care giver role and it's hard for me to be on the receiving end. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve kindness. That sounds sick. I can't even believe that I just said that, it's the God's honest truth but, sick nonetheless.

time for baking...

In a couple of weeks I'm going to dust off my stove and get down and dirty. I do it about twice a year, turn on my stove that is. I've placed my Fresh Direct order today, it's scheduled to arrive Sunday night. This order contains butter, cream, sugar (dark brown, light brown and white), flour, chocolate and all sorts of lovelies.




I'm going to make brownies, chocolate chip cookies and sweet potatoe pies this month. I make all of these items well, if I may say so myself. I don't make these delicious treats for myself though. I'd eat whole trays of brownies and entire pies and batches of batter if I did. I make these treats with love, for others. I myself have always loved receiving baked goods from people. Baking takes time and forethought and it makes you feel special if someone bakes a goodie just for you.

The First Time

I was inspired to write about my first experience in South Beach, Miami with my dear friend Irene. It was the first spring after I graduated from college so I must have been about 22. I can't really remember how it all went down, I think she might have been sharing stories and some how I wound up invited or inviting myself. Irene did all of the booking, I handed over my hard earned money and high expectations. We were booked on a Spring Break package even though we were a tad past our prime. By the time that we booked all of the flight packages were taken and so we were scheduled to leave by chartered bus. The details of the 26 hour bus ride were not exactly music to my ears but I was just glad to be nominated!
I was so excited! I shopped for days for this trip. I packed, unpacked and repacked. I'd been to florida once before this trip but Sarasota doesn't really count does it?
The trip was a total of eight days including the two it would take to come and go. The ride down was actually kind of fun, it gave everyone time to bond. When we got to South Beach we'd already made friends.
That year Irene and I stayed at the Rose Hotel which is now called the Ocean Five Hotel. I was old in the way that most Art Deco hotels in that area that aren't luxury are. The water pressure was bad, it smelled sort of wet because of the ocean air but to me it was the best thing ever. I loved it from the top of it's non elevatored floor to the bottom of it's badly needing to be changed hallway rug. I was on VACATION! The hotel was on Ocean Drive across the street from the beach, it really doesn't get better than that.
For a whole week my life was beach, relaxing and going out. We made friends with a guy group on the bus who were from the Bronx. We actually used their shower a couple of times due to our lack of water pressure. They were cool guys, Danny was my favorite. We nicknamed him Drama King because he was always making things bigger than they really were.
One night we went for pre-going out drinks at The Chesterfield Hotel then wound up making a night of it on the hotel porch. At some point one of the guys decided that we were spending to much on happy hour and miraculously a bottle of Hennessy, Pepsi ® and ice appeared. Hours later all bottles and cups were empty and we were looking for the next adventure. I think we all went dancing for a bit that night...yes, it's all coming back to me know. Oh, yeah (a-hem) it's ALL coming back to me now...
Fast forward.
Over all the week was filled with laughing, eating, drinking, sun worship all the things that any good vacation are made of. I think that is even the year I had a celebrity spotting. I also randomly ran into two guys from High School-it's a small, small world.
Since that trip I've been back to South Beach just about every year, sometimes twice! It's always a good time. I've stayed at lots of hotels and travelled with different people down there and always had a good time but some how you never for get the first time.

When I'm gone, I want to be missed.

My friend Tracey just walked into my office in a rush wanting to know if I was okay. He dreamt that he was at my funeral. His voice cracked when he told me.
Have you ever wondered what your funeral would be like? I have. I wonder who would come? What would they say about me? What would I be wearing...mostly I think about who would come? Have I lead a life that has touched others in a positive way? Have a made a difference/impact on anyones life for the better? Are there people out there who sometimes wonder how I am?
He said there were a lot of people there to mourn me. I know it was only a dream but that makes me feel nice. When I'm gone I want to be missed.

The yellow brick road

I headed to Ricky's right after work on Friday to get my costume. I was nervous that I'd waited too long. I waited because I wanted to make sure that the night was actually going to happen. Sometimes plans with certain friends of mine, who shall remain nameless sometimes...fall through. I went to the store on 64th and 1st, it was packed. I was approached by a cute salesman who asked if he could help me. He then lead me down a narrow aisle stocked floor to ceiling with costumes in plastic bags and customers on each side. After many utterances of "Excuse me" we reached the end of the aisle and came face to face with the last Dorothy costume. As he reached for the costume he turned to me and said, "Did you want sexy Dorothy, because we're out?. "I'm good with the old fashion one, thanks".
I kind of did want sexy Dorothy but it's too short. I didn't want to hurt the baby. My legs are not sexy, my legs in the sexy Dorothy costume would only be scary Dorothy. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be cute, at the very least. I think I achieved that.
When I got home I immediately stripped and put on the costume. I looked like an oversized doll. This costume was going to need some alterations. I laid the dress on my bed and stared at it. Where could I being? What could I change to give it a boost of "cute"? I called Irene. She hadn't seen the dress but from my description she too believed it needed some alteration. We talked about somehow adding a V-neck or scoop neck or something to show I HAD a neck. The sleeves were killing me, big, poofy elastic sleeves. One shower and about forty-five minutes later my dress was sleeveless. The next afternoon I would channel more of my seamstress wisdom and create a V-neck. I completed my costume with white bobby socks, red pumps, two pig-tails with white ribbons, blue eyeshadow and red lipstick.
Irene picked me up around nine-thirty-ish. We had to head back to her house though to get Toto and Patrice. Irene was the cowardly lion with signature Irene flair. Patrice was our tin-woman, her aluminum eyelashes were a nice touch. Our new friend Marita was wicked witch of the west with New York style. Nikia our scarecrow was a no show due to undisclosed personal stuff.
After finding overpriced parking we proceeded to Opal, we were forty-five minutes late to the two hour open bar. We enter and head straight to the bar to "get our moneys worth". I think I have two drinks in twenty minutes, then I took it alittle more slowly. My logic was that if I could get 3 drinks down, I'd gotten my money's worth (Hey, I work hard and this is NYC!). None of my invitees confirmed but I was determined to have a nice night out. I mean it was my first Halloween in costume!
We danced, we laughed, we took lots of pictures. None of which I have now. At some point the jello shot girl was offering and I was purchasing. I ordered three shots, picking out the prettiest colors. I remember her saying one was Tequila, I nodded and passed the shot. Irene, Patrice and I eye balled "Cheers" and down the hatch they went. After that, we all had another drink and that is about when Irene excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She was gone awhile, so long that the rest of us upstairs started to lean in and whisper to each other, "Where's Irene?". Maybe she had been gone a while? I nominated myself to go check on her. Irene disappearing is really not something I'm unfamiliar with. I expected to find her somewhere talking to someone. I found her somewhere and she was talking to God. Well, not God exactly, more like the porcelain god. This was a first. I'd never seen her like this before. Compared to me she's a heavy-weight when it comes to drinking. She doesn't do drunk, well at least not where you can actually notice.
Over an hour later, and much vomitting we found a cab and made our way downtown. I didn't want to leave her car in the garage for fear of the tab she would rack up but we had no choice. She was feeling better and I thought we could better decide who was going where over burger, fries and coffee. At Around-the-Clock, Marita and I made a plan, Irene slept and Patrice held back nausea. I would take Irene with me, Marita would take Patrice. Tomorrow we would worry about the car.
We all shared a cab to Brooklyn with a very friendly driver. They usually aren't thrilled to leave the borough at that time of night so, having him was a God send. We pulled up in front of my apartment at about six am. Without words, the lion and I made our way upstairs and into bed without any mishaps. It felt nice to be back in Kansas.

I've got alot on my mind but I can't seem to calm down long enough to sort it all out. The holidays will be upon me in no time. I hope I'm ready. I'm starting to prepare myself now because I don't want a repeat of last year. Of course, the separation is a year old this month so everyone should be a little more settled in the situation. We as a family have dealt with a complete year of birthdays, anniversaries and even one round of holidays. This year we should really be able to learn from our mistakes and make this transition to the whole "separate but equal" holiday system much easier.
We are scheduled to have a Thanksgiving dinner with my second youngest sister, brother-in-law and kids as usual. This dinner takes place because they go upstate to visit his family for the actual day. In times past, the whole family would gather at the house and the living room would be transformed into a cafeteria to accommodate my family of eleven (plus boyfriends, friends and extended family). It's always an entertaining time. This year my mom and brother Matt won't be there. They moved to Virginia this summer. It will be weird not having them there this year. This holiday season, traveling to see family will involve more than an LIRR ticket. This time I will need a plane ticket to get to them. It is hard getting used to have my core family spread out so far. Before they were all just exits away on the LIE. Holiday travel planning is much more intensive this year.
For Christmas Mom and Matt will come up to see all of us. Everyone will have to grin and bear it as we ALL spend Christmas Eve together with my three nieces Noelle, Hannah and Naliyah (Leah). I can't wait to see Noelle and Hannah this Christmas, they are at the age where they finally "get it". Leah is still much too young to understand, she'll only be eight months old by Christmas.
As far as gift giving goes, we all buy gifts for the kids. Then for all of my immediate family we have a grab bag with a price minimum that is usually decided randomly around Halloween. "The List" as we refer to it, was posted on our family website this week. Once "The List" is posted we all post our wish list, this way the person who has us for the grab bag has some general idea of what we want. In addition, everyone usually gets a few stocking stuffers for everyone else. It's a tradition that just sort of happened over the years. We always open all presents on Christmas Eve while we eat and karaoke and try not to fight to much.
Christmas Day has never been a really big day in my family. This year it's Sunday so I think the plan is for everyone to go to church together. That should be nice.
Some people find it bizarre when they hear that I'm from a family of six children. I can't imagine my life another way. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by all of these people who share your blood. Now I have nieces and I love seeing them grow up and be apart of this crazy family of mine. They have all this love surrounding them. Three little girls with six aunts and two uncles (if I include aunts and uncles by marriage) in their immediate family. That is amazing.
I didn't have a perfect childhood but it's over and most days when I think back I have a lot of fond memories. I know you can only shelter children from so much in this world but I wish I could let my nieces have only happy days. When my they think back on their lives, I want the only memories that they feel or remember is to be how much that they are loved.

Plans

I wore a coat to work today. It really saddens me, I think I have SAD. I don't have feelings of suicide or anything but fall and winter put me in a funk. It's a slippery slope of depression, overeating, skipping exercise and the inevitable weight gain that follows. I don't want to go down that road this year. I'm fighting back. My eating is in control at the moment but every minute is a battle. Every fat cell in my body is craving to be given fuel so that they can multiple. I'm drinking green tea by the gallons in an attempt to fight the cravings and perhaps kick start my metabolism that seems to be out of commission as of late.

In other news,

The holiday season is upon us. It's time to buy holiday cards and make gift lists. Create dinner menus for all the "eves" and "days" to come. It's also time to "fall clean"...or should I have done that already?. I haven't switched my closet over yet. I just kind of keep hoping that if I don't unpack my sweaters, maybe I won't need them. That hypothesis is not proving true, with each passing day the mercury drops a little more.
Then there is the whole deep clean factor. I haven't deep cleaned since August. I know this as a fact because I had people over the weekend I did it. This morning I got nauseous leaving my apartment in the state that it's in. It needs a good once over. That is what I plan to do tonight. I plan to scrub, reorganize, put away my laundry from Sunday and mop. Which reminds me, I have to get some gloves from the unit today.
I will feel alot better once I have a nice clean house. Another thing that I need is to get some new "stuff" in there. Not sure quite sure what I want yet but, I'm tired of looking at the same ole, same ole. New stuff always makes you me feel better. I definetly need a new dresser, a rug might brighten things up some also. I'm feeling a little bit better now, like I have a plan. Smile.

ex-boyfriend

We met online new years eve. It was the year 2002 became 2003. You left me a note that I almost deleted because of your crazy screen name. I didn't even care about the divorce or kid because you seemed genuine. For a short while you made me feel like I mattered.
The day we met I was so nervous. You weren't the first guy I'd dated that I met online but you'd be the last. We met at Starbucks and talked and talked. When they closed you asked if I'd like to go somewhere else, so we did. I had a good feeling and I didn't want to lose it yet. We went to Barnes and Noble and with an armful of books sat on the floor and you read poetry to me. You had my heart. You made me smile. It was fun. I didn't eat for 2 days after we met. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. Months passed and I met your mom and sisters. I never met your daughter...even to this day. I suppose I'm not worthy of that. As I wasn't worthy of your love.
I used the "L" word with you. Your the second man I used it with. You never knew how precious the word is to me. Never. You couldn't "get it"...that I could fall. That's because it was a place you couldn't go.
Then things changed.
Your time, your life, your ex-wife became more important than anything else. She ruled your every move, I can't compete with the type of disease that mascarades as love. I'm worth so much more. I've come too far to be second best.
I remember how I felt then, I wanted you so much. You told me lies

L: I know there is a risk involved in everything.
I risked it all when I shared a smile with you,
I am opening myself up to you.

L: I tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things I can't understand,
Turning away from those who say they care so much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

L: You reminded me that there is never an easy way to love.
I can't approach it cautiously.
It will not wait for me to arm myself.
It does not care if I turn away.

L: It is everywhere, it is in everything.
Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
It strikes the strongest of mind.
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

L: Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
it hurts to be the other part
of someone else,
But I want to belong with you to be a part of you
but, for the moment I am still scared,

L: to me that sums up my risks
L: what about you
brooklyntcb: did you write that?
L: partially
L: the first part
L: well first half
L: and the last paragraph
L: y
brooklyntcb: is it for me or something that you like?
L: it's for you

...I wanted to believe you.
Then you disappeared, just vanished from my life as if you'd never been there. Your phone still rang but for me there was never an answer. I almost started to believe that it had been a dream. At the time I didn't understand why? I wondered what was wrong with me?
While you were gone I met someone. He was beautiful and felt the same way about me. We had a few nights out, we shared a kiss later, long after you and I parted, we shared more...
You finally reappeared and you accused me of cheating. I can't cheat when I never had you...you never claimed me as yours. Remember?
We ended almost as we had begun, suddenly. I couldn't take your arrogance and selfishness anymore. You had no room in your life for me. Once again, as in the beginning, I felt that this was "meant to be".

Trick or Treat.

Halloween is coming and I've been invited to two parties. The party next Friday is at Mars2112, the party on Saturday is at Opal. This is going to the first time since I was very young that I've dressed up for Halloween. Growing up we didn't celebrate Halloween. We didn't celebrate for all the All Saints Eve reasons, "it's the devils holiday" and blah, blah, blah. I never really cared much about the dressing up part really, it seemed so messy. All the makeup and raggedy clothes did nothing for me. I don't like being messy. As a little girl I didn't like making mud pies because it got my hands dirty. I'm no sissy though, I just like being clean.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.

fat people got no reason to live...

I'm having a bad day. I already said that. I decided at lunch time I would run down the street to Ann Taylor Loft for a pick-me-up. Okay, not so much a pick-me-up as a pair of pants to wear to work tomorrow seeing as I have two bags of laundry at home that I need to do.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.

I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.

My head hurts. I feel nauseous and cranky and I really don't want to be here today. Not only do I have to be here today, I have to be here until about 9:00pm today. Starting this week until many many months from now I will be doing much over time. Although 2006 seems light years away to some, financially it's just around the corner for me. Around the corner waits a bachelorette, a bridal shower, a wedding, a friend's 30th birthday in L.A. and a volunteer backpacking trip to mentor teenage girls. This list does not include, birthdays, trips to see my mom in VA or Christmas.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.

Friends

Today is going to be an exciting day. My good friend Jodi is getting married and we're going to look at dresses at 4:15pm. There is going to be a Trunk Show with Jenny Lee designs and Jenny Lee with be there. I had no idea who Jenny Lee was until last week but I think it's exciting to meet the person who thought it all up.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.

One man's trash is another man's treasure

Last night the MIML took me to see my dear friend Irene in Queens. I know he was tired, but he took me anyway. I was picking up a hand-me-down electronic, a television. It was given to her by her son's paternal grandparents (grandparents are always giving someone something).
One man's trash is another man's treasure they say, in my case, one man's trash is another man's trash. The MIML lugged the oversized television down two flights of stairs and then drove me to Brooklyn. He then carried said television UP three flights of stairs to my apartment. He helped me set up all the necessary wires, plugged in all the plugs and then we switched it on. I anticipated a clear, crisp 30-something inch picture on my newish television. What we saw was primetime through a rose colored screen. The fact that everything was shades of pink didn't alarm us at all, we just attempted to adjust controls. We adjusted, then adjusted some more...nothing. It was pushing 10pm by this time and I was getting frustrated and tired. I thanked MIML for all his help and he was out the door with a hug, kiss and my old television in his arms. I got in bed and attempted to adjust the color, tint, sharpness...nothing. After about thirty minutes I called MIML.
"It's not working, I want my t.v. back"
"so go down now, it should still be there"
"aughhhhh....I don't wannnnnaaaaa"
"come on Maria, don't be lazy"
"DON'T CALL ME LAZY, I'M TIRED!"
"calm down, I'm joking"
"bye"
Moments later I was downstairs attempting to carry my very old, very heavy but very working television up three flights. I unattached all wires and plugs from the rose colored television and set it by the door, where trash belongs. I then put Old Faithful in her rightful position atop my IKEA stand re-attached all necessary wires and viola! CSI:Miami the way it should be.
I then called the MIML.
"I got it"
"Good, Is everything okay now?"
"Yeah, I hurt my thumb though. It was heavy"
"Sorry"
"We'll have a good night"
"You too love, I may drive tomorrow"
"Okay, so pick me up"
"Okay, Good night"
"Night"
It was a long night. As I was falling asleep I felt really greatful for the MIML. He's always there to shuttle me around and make sure I'm okay. Even when I just want things and don't really know what I'm getting in to. Even when I just want him to just BE there. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who will be there for us just because? Someone who is on our team routing for us regardless of the cause

decisions

I woke up today with a feeling of dread. I woke up feeling as if I shouldn't be happy for some reason. My mind groggy from sleep, I forced my eyes open and tried to remember why. Ah, yes I received a late night call from a family member in distress. They are trying to decide on a huge life decision and they became overwhelmed last night and called me. Not for advice I'm sure, just to hear a familiar voice on the other end, listening. I did the right thing, I listened. I listened through the tears as her hurt poured out in words through the telephone line. I didn't offer much advice other than, "You have to make a decision that you can live everyday of your life with". It sounds a lot easier to say than to do. I know this first hand.

It's raining it's pouring...

I wish that my job would come up with some more call in days. I can call in sick, request vacation and personal days, I can even take an emergency vacation day. What about a emergency rain day? It's been raining since last week I believe, and it's going to rain for the rest of the week. I hate coming in soaking wet to a building that is still using air conditioning or fans or something that isn't HEAT. It amuses me that you are expected to sit in the wetness and be productive. Well, to combat that wonderful feeling today, I came in prepared. I wore my sweats and sneakers and changed into my nice dry pants and shoes when I arrived at work. It was an improvement to not sit in wet clothes all day long. By the time your clothes dry it's time for you to brave the elements once again.
Today I really wish I could go home and have warm cookies of some sort and a big cup of tea. Then open up my latest Netflix arrivals cozy up in the covers and make a night of it. No cookies for me though. Not this week at least. Next week my eating regiment relaxes a bit and I can add a cookie or two but this week fruit is supposed to get me over the sugar fix. Yeah. Can't wait.
Yesterday I bought two new teas though, so that is kind of exciting. I think. I'm a big tea person. I think I have about 10 kinds at home right now. They're nice to have as the weather cools off.
Before I bought the tea yesterday I stopped at the drugstore. The whole point in going there was to pick up my prescription. I also needed a shower cap. The plastic bag from Pathmark didn't really work to well the other day. So I go in and I become overwhelmed with all the shiny makeup and all the different types of conditioners and the trash magazines. As I'm wandering the aisles I remember that I need cosmetic pads and nail polish remover. Forty-five minutes later I make my way to the register with cosmetic pads, nail polish remover and two shower caps (one for home and one for my over night bag). As the train pulls into my station in Brooklyn I remember what I forgot. My prescription. The one reason why I WENT to the store in the first place. Today I have four post-it's around my desk that say "pharmacy". This should be a no brainer today right?

This post has absolutely no point. I'm rambling.
I want to leave, go home. Go ANYWHERE as long as it's away from here.
I want my boss to go home early and pretend to celebrate Yom Kippur or at least tell me to go home. Someone deserves to be home sipping tea catching up on their Netflix.

Progress Note #2

How is it that a simple hair cut makes you feel 150% better about everything? I love walking out of a Margaret session-I feel like the girl in the Pantene commercial. Bounce bounce shake shake, slow head turn, smile. It's amazing.
I wish it were that easy to solve other problems in life. Snip Snip Done. I've been at the weight thing aggressively for seven days. I'm down 5.9 lbs. It's been painful. I received two compliments this morning asking me if I'd lost weight. That makes it all worth it. I truly does.
I started this adventure as I was pms-ing so you know it's been a crazy week for me. I'm so happy that I stuck it out though, week 1 down-week 2 to go.

I have a function next weekend and I want to go feeling like a new and inspired women. My goal right now is to feel good in my jeans at this event. I have to keep my goals short term at this point so that I don't lose focus. The next goal after the function will be Thanksgiving, gaining that weekend is a given so I'd like to be down by a few pounds and have a cushion. Each day that passes it gets easier to say yes to being healthy. I'm not really craving sugar as much these days but I still remember what cake tastes like. When I find my mind wandering I just redirect my thoughts to the person that I want to see in the mirror. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was my butt. Slow and steady wins the race.

No one knew your pain until today

We watched through closed eyes, the signs

We assumed you wanted to live your life in a verbal and emotional cage

Aren't people in pain supposed to cry out?

Yell

Kick

Scream

Pray to God to save you?

Is THAT what you were doing all those prayer meeting nights when you prayed your never ending prayers?

Your safe now for a while from him

The gig is up

he'll eat his own words

"All things done in the dark, must come to light"

family

Since the start of the year, my family has been falling. Thankfully the falling has not caused us to fall apart from one another completely. Although, there were moments when I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I'm still not sure, because there are still family members holding resentments in their broken hearts. I was one of them for a time this year. Then I decided that the anger was only killing me, no one else had any idea of the pain I was carrying around in their name. I've decided that in families you can't choose sides. We are all on the same team, however fortunate or unfortunate that is. Not even divorce can divide the team when there are children and grandchildren involved as in my family. I wish other members would start to look at it that way. That we have to be on each others side, really be on each others side. Not just say that you are and then your actions scream otherwise.
I don't know what the future holds but I want to see my family whole again. I have no idea what that will take. Perhaps it will take time and divine intervention. I believe in God, I believe it's possible. I've seen miraculous things happen in my short life and I truly believe that it is possible.

Progress Note #1

I've got two things on my mind. First of all, I've been avoiding the scale like the plague for a few months now. I decided to do this because my weight is a constant thorn in my side and I was tired of obsessing over every pound and everything that I was eating. I wanted to eat and not feel guilt, drink without wondering of the carb count. I wanted to be free. Living free got me 15 lbs fatter. I am officially on lock-down.
I know I've talked this talk before but this time, I'm walking the walk. Official today I am dieting and exercising consistently. From my mouth to God's ears. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse. I will keep my progress posted, to keep me accountable. Next progress note will be next Tuesday.

I said I had two things on my mind. This is the second one, on a totally unrelated subject. What is it about another person's success that causes people to lose their minds? Is it that another person's success in life causes you to take a cold hard look at your own, shining a light on your short comings?
I've been thinking, "Have I ever been jealous of a friend?". I have, I can't remember a time I was jealous of material things, but, I remember I've been jealous of other things. I've been jealous of the fact that a person knows what they want to be "when they grow up". I've only just narrowed it down and I'm pushing 30. I've always wished I could have been born knowing like some people. I thought I had been born knowing for a long time but, it was a false alarm. I rest assured in the fact that one day I will know. I mean, that's how it goes...Right??
I've been jealous of friends that have a family, a two car garage and a dog. I don't wish that they didn't have what they have, I just wish I could have it too, one day. I'm not ready for it today. I'm not ready for the responsiblity that comes with the husband/kids package. I want more time to take care of me. It must be nice to know that they're there though. When I'm ready I hope there's still a package left for me. I don't think it's fair to take it sooner than your ready because everyone loses out and then it's not happy and it's not healthy and that's not my plan.
I've been jealous of friends who are thinner than me. I've been more than jealous of those bi-otches actually. Those friends that "run 5 miles a day" and eat cottage cheese for breakfast. Okay, I'm not really jealous of the cottage cheese part. I'm kind of jealous of the "run 5 miles a day" part though, seriously. I mean that is will power and determination at it's best. What is it about my fat a$$ that I can't get out there an do something every day I'm just as good as them. That's why I've decided I have to do something- I can live like this no mas. I want someone to be jealous of me (is that sick?). I can be consistent and persistent and get this weight off, I can. Then when I slide into my sevens without having to jump up and down and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle and put on my cute Vickies top and head out on the town You can envy Me.

Things I need: to be appreciated, chocolate, water, lotion, to know my family is okay, to love, to be loved, hugs, a warm soft bed, pillows, to feel the sun, mangos, my dad's strawberry shortcake, airplane flights to new places, biscuits with butter and honey, my cellphone, Brooklyn, close friends (the ones who REALLY know me), to be able to sleep at the beach a few days a year, good soap, to help others, to let go sometimes, to laugh, to know it's okay to cry, shoes, tea...To be continued.

It's Monday. Please don't let it be a week from hell. It's starting out like that already. I forgot my work keys and ID today. I had to sit and wait for my boss to get in and let me into the office. No early morning quiet time for me to sit and eat breakfast, drink water and catch up on my favorite blogs. There is going to me lots of overtime this week because Friday is my project deadline. It will definetly be a long week. I just don't want it to be hellish. I think that there is a difference.
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed. I was supposed to clean the apartment and take a much needed trip to do laundry. I have one towel left and nothing to wear to work. I couldn't get up. I had a raging headache, the kind that makes you nauseous. I felt to dizzy when I stood up to go downstairs to the corner store. At 5:34pm Jason called to see what I was up to. After I spoke to him I felt ashamed of feeling so sick and forced myself to take a shower, go downstairs and buy a bottle of overpriced Motrin and a bag of cat food. The cat had not eaten all day and really hadn't eaten enough the day before either because all she had was the remnants of dry food that were left in the box. I found some luncheon meat in the refrigerator and gave that to her at one point. I felt bad, neglectful, she depends on me and it wasn't right. She was a big reason why I forced myself downstairs.
When I got downstairs I grabbed a bag of food for indoor cats (it's supposed to keep them from having so many hair balls-in my opinion it doesn't help). Then I went to the counter and pointed to the bottle of pain reliever on the wall that I wanted but the cashier couldn't seem to understand that I wanted the Adult Motrin not the Children's Motrin. Even though I kept saying, "No, the OTHER orange one". Angel came from somewhere in the store and saved the day. Thank you Angel.
Once upstairs, I fed the cat. She took 3 bites and went to lay down. So much for the starving cat theory.
I myself stripped, chased a fitful of pills with a few swigs of water and curled up on the bed in the fetal position. The t.v. watched me as I dosed in and out of consciousness. If I felt pain upon awakening I would force myself back down into sleep. That is the only time I got up yesterday, aside from using the bathroom.
Around 8:00pm I stopped feeling guilty because everyone was getting ready to pack it in right? So I watched a few Sunday prime time shows and fell asleep at some point because I woke up this morning around 6:00am.

pre-date

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm focusing on tomorrow because I can't take anymore of today. Tomorrow after work I'm going to go home and get ready for my date with Jason. It's been a long two weeks and I am really in the mood for some good food, good drinks and TLC. I haven't really decided on what to wear. I should really do the pre-date fashion show tonight so that tomorrow I'm less stressed and can just take a shower and get dressed.

Having the opportunity to sit in the Unit these past few weeks has been an experience. I am doing my best to empathize, I am. Some of them are very sick I realize that. I also emphasize some of them because some of them are just very crazy. I think the chemo affects brain function or something. You think I'm going to hell, do you? Well, I'm sorry after a while working anywhere wears on the nerves a bit. I'm sure you've got jokes at your job also. I just look really evil cause at my job the folks sometimes are on their way to crossing Jordan.
It's been one of those weeks. I know, I know it's tuesday. I've been at work everyday except Sunday since last Monday so pardon me, it's been one of those weeks. I need some time off because I'm getting cold, really cold and it's not good. I'm smiling and nodding and on the inside I'm saying, "If I throw a stick will you go away?". If you don't want to go away I will. I want to cuddle up in my bed right now and sleep but I can't . Good thing I'm in the Urgent Care, maybe I could get one of the RN's to put my tea on IV 'cause I'm slippin' fast.


Tomorrow I'm meeting the girls for drinks and I so need it. I can't wait. Provided I can stay awake long enough to put back a few. My plan is to stay here tonight until I put a dent in my workload, I have a Monday deadline I'm trying to make. This is the biggest thing that I've worked on in my new position and I don't want my boss to think I'm a slacker. I'm not a slacker, I'm a multi-tasker. I can IM, email, blog and work all at the same time, can't you??

weekend plans

I'm feeling good today. I've got a busy weekend ahead and a work week full of overtime behind. Last night I met up with friends for dinner under the guise of "Book Club" at Mizu. I had edamame to start and then the Teka Don with salmon and a couple glasses of sake. It was delish. It was nice to see the girls and catch up. We got so caught up talking about life that we forgot to talk about the book! I left dinner in a very positive mood.
Tonight, I'm headed to the Coffee Shop to stake out a sidewalk table for drinks and people watching. If Union Square isn't the best people watching spot, I don't know what is. People of all shapes and sizes fill the Square at all times of the day. I wonder what they will be protesting tonight? There is ALWAYS a protest going on there. Maybe I'll see Drew Barrymore skateboarding again or that guy from the first Apprentice if he still lives on 14th. Sitting anywhere on the Square you just have to smile and say, "I love New York".
Sunday is an exciting day, I'm taking my self out to see Joss Stone. I'm going alone. I've been to the movies on a Saturday alone, I've even had lunch and early dinners alone. I've never gone out at night to something like this alone. I'm feeling good about it though. I want to step out of the box a little more. I did ask someone to come but they are out of town. I'm excited about being there alone because Joss Stone has an amazing voice and I'll be able to experience it without any distractions. I imagine it will be almost like when I listen to her cd's in my apartment and dance around in front of the mirror lipsyncing the words... only better. It will be better for the general public because I'll have on more than my underwear.

I'm on my way home to Brooklyn and the life I've created. I rarely look at it like that though. I should think of my life more like that. A creation.
I chose to live in Brooklyn, I did. I tried Manhattan it wasn't for me. The same with the Bronx. I dabbled with Queens but, they didn't want me. I suppose there was no place for my brown face in Kew Gardens back then (I experienced blatant verbal racism when I lived there-more than once).
Brooklyn opened her arms to me and I accepted. I chose to live alone the second time around in Brooklyn. I am the eldest of six children, I've rarely been alone. I sacrificed more space via a roommate to go at it alone in a studio. It felt so nice to come home and find things where you left them. To open the refrigerator and to have the food that you left there-still there. My mothers house was always filled with children, some not even related to me. My mother is a lover of children and her motto was, "What's one more?". Our house teemed with children running, playing, eating, laughing and or crying. The sounds were endless. I learned to sleep through any amount of noise. It was just something you had to do-if you wanted to sleep.
I've never regretted it but sometimes...sometimes I could use a goodnight hug or some night cap love, sometimes.
I didn't chose my cat. She was a gift, given to me after a break-up to ease the pain of loneliness. Keeping her was my choice.
For what it's worth I even chose my job-I chose all of it. If I'm unhappy with it then am I to blame?

done.

I'm so tired of people and their attitudes. I'm not going to walk on egg shells, holding my words with both hands to protect your ego. Grow up! I REFUSE to apologize for being me. I've searched so long for who I am, I can not deny me now. Perhaps if you knew who you were my strength would not offend you so. I choose not to live a life of regret. The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own. What do you choose? To snivel and whine your life away?
I hope the day you wake up and see that I was right I'm still here.

I met the girl of my dreams!

I met the girl of my dreams. I did! No, no it's nothing like that (not that there's anything wrong with that). I met the girl of my writing dreams, her name is, Stephanie Klein. She was all that I imagined, all New York girl without the attitude. It was so exciting to see her for the first time...her hair wasn't as red as I imagined, it's more strawberry blonde, her makeup was flawless and her smile warming.
After the workshop I flitted around the room talking to a few teachers all the while preparing to make my way for my introduction. After all, I couldn't get this close and not introduce myself. When I was done with the preliminaries I got in line (there was one person a head of me) to shake her hand. As I approached we made eye contact and I kind of wanted to run out of the room but it was far too late for that.

"Hi, Stephanie. I read your blog and... wanted to introduce myself...Maria"

Reaching both hands out to grasp my one as she smiles.

"Oh, thank you, tell me your name again?..."

"Maria"

"Maria"

Then we chatted a bit, you know, as writers do...

What I learned from Stephanie Klein:

Do it.

Don't be afraid.

I want to make a difference in this world, I want to write honestly and with all my heart. I'm a bit afraid but I'm going to Do it anyway.

I sat on the bed with you, wrapped up in your arms wishing you would stay. I wished you could see how much that I needed you. My head rested on your superman tatoo, I breathed in your scent and I wished that you could save me. From myself.
You took my face in your hands and turned my head to you. Your eyes looked sad.

"You know what's so sad?, Your beautiful and you don't even know it", you whispered and then you left.

A Memory

The year is 1995. Method Man and Mary are "All I need to get by", Mariah's in a "Fantasy" and Guru has "Mass Appeal. Chicka and I were up to our usual tricks and I was "going out" with "E", it didn't get better than that. In some ways I think I knew it was good, that I needed to savor the moments like you savor the last bite of your favorite dessert. You don't want it to end, even though you know that it has to. So, you kind of hold it in your mouth for a few seconds longer before you swallow so the taste lingers.

We had good times, me and "E". I don't want them back though. Sometimes people say how they want to go back, I don't. It was good, but I want to keep it there, I can go back and relive the memories.
I always kinda had in the back of my mind that one day when we were 50 something, we'd "get together with the kids" and the signifigant others and talk about the old days. I never imagined that it would be like this. That you'd be gone without a good bye, or a true reconciliation. I always thought I had more time. I got the message from my mom that you asked about me a while back, and I meant to get back to you but…life happened and then it was lower down on my to-do list. This way is so much more painful because there's so much I had left to say. It's all right there at the tip of my tongue and I need to dish. I need to tell you what's been going on since we last spoke and I need to hear your laugh and see you smile. Just don't seem like, fair. Just don't seem fair that you had to go so soon. Just doesn't seem fair that it's forever, it's so, final. You can't cry to make it stop, you can't press rewind. That's it.
I don't want to go back and relive the memories because you can't come.

I'm all for adoption

I've never had maternal pangs. I've never felt like I couldn't have a complete life it I didn't have children. I just never have. I've had maternal "pinches" if you will. Like when I spend time with my nieces or a friends kids and they're just so dawg garn cute, and I could just swish-em and kiss-em and love-em to death.
I have wondered what a child of mine would look like though, I've even gone so far as to include the features of the Man in my life(MIML) at the time. It's not that I don't love children, oh but I do. I love them bunches, this is why I am so hestitant to have one. I mean, what kind of mother would I BE?? I don't do well on limited sleep. I like to shower and change my clothes daily. Don't even lie, I have mother-friends and mother-sisters and I KNOW that sometimes just the daily basic needs are a chore.
I remember the 2 days I spent helping my sister with the kids after my brother-in-law had the motorcycle accident. It was all about pampers and feedings and cleaning up and holding. There wasn't much time spent with showers, sleep or eating. Sitting down doing nothing, having a moment to yourself to think or let your mind wander wasn't on the daily to-do list.
Then there is the whole labor thing, no one ever really wants to delve into that whole subject now, do they? I swear, every time someone close comes home from having a baby the FIRST thing that I ask is so, "How was it REALLY?". I ask because it's always a vague answer like, "Oh, it wasn't as bad as I thought" or "It hurt a lot but it was over fast". I feel like there is a blue wall of silence with this whole labor and delivery thing. I feel like they are all secretly conspiring with each other to claim another member.
I've seen the heads of some newborns and their heads are BIG. Newborn-shmewborn those suckers got heads like melons. I have trouble making some days and it's no where as large as a head.
I'm all for adoption.
I'm not being fair I suppose, I'm only stating the negative, the hard stuff. There is a lot of good stuff too, I've heard. They're sweet at "that age" that age where they depend on you and you depend on them to give you unconditional love. Then they get a little older and being to verbalize the world as they see it. We have all experienced life "from the mouth of babes". They say it how they see it, straight up and raw. It makes us laugh until we cry sometimes. This is the good stuff; this is the stuff you remember. This is the stuff I could miss out on.
Today I found out that the MIML who is having paternal pangs, has TWINS that run in his family. His paternal grandmother had twin boys. His father didn't have any. If my high school biology serves me correctly this means the MIML is due for a double bundle of joy. So let's say we "made it official" ... the possibilities!
Here I was hesitant of the mother I would be to one child and there is a possiblity of TWINS! and you know it's so going to happen to me because well, "this is my life" and if it can happen it will happen to me. I admit I'm rushing a bit a head of myself. I've got myself married and pregnant and we've only been dating for 6 months.
Maybe I'm being overly anxious. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's just that, I'm getting "older" (there I said it) and "everyone's doing it". Everyone is getting married and having babies or some variation there of and here I am with my MIML and an unsure future. Not that marriage is a sure anything, I've learned. I don't feel pressure in the sense that I want to do it because others are, I feel pressure from within to decide for myself which way I want to sail this ship.
It's not that I don't want children in my life. I'm open to adoption which is a much less painful option. However, this is not something that I want to do alone. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to go down the single-mother-take-on-the-world road. I need a husband to stand by me with his hand on my elbow to make sure that when I stumble down road of motherhood that I don't fall. I know there are plenty of women out there strong, intelligent woman making the choice to do it alone. There are some of those same women who had the choice made for them. I want to make the choice to have a child when I'm ready with someone who is equally ready 'cause twins is double duty!