Going to bars where the bartender is familiar with you is nice. Going anywhere where the staff knows you is nice because you know that you'll be taken care of. You don't have to repeat your preferences again and again you just say, "the usual" and they get it right. Ketel on the rocks with an extra lime is my usual unless I'm at Burrito Bar. If I'm at Burrito Bar my usual is a margarita straight up no salt and Courtney knows this. I love Courtney. I'm not drunk typing right now I'm actually very sober. Courtney is a struggling artist but who isn't in NYC?
Last week as I saddled up to the bar my eyes scanned behind the bar looking for Courtney to give her the nod. My eyes settled on a tall thin male 20 something behind the counter and I got disoriented for a minute. My heart beat a tad faster as I glanced at my friend and gushed, "Where's Courtney?". Apparently Courtney got a promotion and is a manager now. I tried to hide my disappointment as I ordered with new guy. When he asks if I'd like anything else I couldn't help but mutter, "Yeah, I want Courtney". I think he heard me.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Yesterday I thought I was strong enough to call my mother. I thought that I was strong enough to battle her depression and my own frustrations. I wasn't. I wish I had the strength to carry everyone I loved on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish I could cash them in for a set with less needs and issues, then I feel guilty. I love them and I know they love me but sometimes it's so hard to be a part of this family. It's. Just. So. Hard.
Drinking is sweet release and that scares me a bit. I don't want to go the way so many of my family has gone, seeking asylum in a bottle. Seriously, I don't think that could ever be me. I will never allow myself to become THAT person. I've spent to many years of my life running from that life. My dream has been to create a life that has peace. No more days dreading the night and what it may bring. No more sleeping in parked cars huddled next to those that I love because we can't go home.
Lately I've been having yearnings that I don't think are maternal but maybe they are. The yearnings are to nest. To find a house and make it a home. I'd be satisfied with just Jason and I as family if that is all that comes. But, I need a home. Perhaps on some level this IS maternal this need to nest and create roots. It's just that I've spent so much of my life wandering and I'm tired. I'm so so tired.
Drinking is sweet release and that scares me a bit. I don't want to go the way so many of my family has gone, seeking asylum in a bottle. Seriously, I don't think that could ever be me. I will never allow myself to become THAT person. I've spent to many years of my life running from that life. My dream has been to create a life that has peace. No more days dreading the night and what it may bring. No more sleeping in parked cars huddled next to those that I love because we can't go home.
Lately I've been having yearnings that I don't think are maternal but maybe they are. The yearnings are to nest. To find a house and make it a home. I'd be satisfied with just Jason and I as family if that is all that comes. But, I need a home. Perhaps on some level this IS maternal this need to nest and create roots. It's just that I've spent so much of my life wandering and I'm tired. I'm so so tired.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)