Kelly Green

Jealousy is ugly. In reality it takes, it takes your pride some times even friendships it's like a black hole of sorts. Some times I feel jealous - not so much for the material things of life but rather situations. Maybe it's just fear that I'm feeling, yeah that's it. That's what I want to believe anyway. No one wants those kind of green eyes. Everyone expects you to be happy for them and supportive and loving and give a crap but some times you don't care some times you just want to climb on top of them so that you can finally, finally exhale.

How I Raised My Brother

A little over a year ago my brother came to visit me...and never left. I have to accept some responsiblity because I agreed to the arrangement but I can admit that I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. It's been a rollercoast ride of emotions as we slipped in and out of the blurred lines of a sister/brother mother/son relationship.

On many accounts it's been a long year of late nights spent worrying as I was forced into the role of surrogate mother for my teenage brother. But after wrestling a few demons to the ground he's emerged a new man.

On Thursday he told me that he's moving out in a couple weeks. This was part of the original plan - the arrangement was designed to be a hand up, not a hand out. I know how important and helpful hand ups can be - I've been blessed to have some really special people in my life who have helped me along the way. I can't even begin to pretend to have arrived but I've come along way baby and truly believe that it's because of the beautiful people that God has sent my way.

I'm really proud of my brother, he's come a long way since the day he arrived. I'd love to think that I had something to do with that.

A few of my favorite things

I recently learned of a little experiment circulating cyberspace. People around the country have committed to taking a picture a day for 365 days and blogging about it. I'm committed to blogging about a picture a day - even if I didn't take it that day. I'll likely make up the rules as I go along - but what else is new.

Day 1 -

This photo was taken en route to Jamaica and captures one of my favorite sights, an airplane wing. The sight of an airplane wing represents freedom, relaxation, fun and adventure to me. I thought it appropriate that I start my project out with one of my favorite things.

Life moves

Dear Diary,

I haven't been able to get my thoughts organized enough to write anything coherent or meaningful in a while. One would think that when you are writing to yourself those things wouldn't really matter, right?

Lately I've been struggling with my next "life move" and I think that the confusion is adding to my writers block. I'm pretty sure that I want to go back to school. The thing I'm not 100% sure about is for what. The areas of study that I'm entertaining require at least a year of pre-requisite study and I'm looking forward to that like a hole in the head. My theory is that the pre-reqs will make or break my decision - if I can't hang with the big boys during that part, it's not for me. My timeline is to begin in the fall and my gut is to just go with it. I don't want to play chicken with my dreams and goals and I feel like that is what I'm doing if I hold out any longer.

The dawn of spring had really boosted my mood and energy level. I'm taking time off in April, May and June and I can't wait. In April I get to spend time with mommy and the rest of the family, May I'll be with The Man in Jamaica and June it's an all girls weekend in SoBe. The thought of summer so close makes me deliriously happy. I'm certain that after some time to relax and spend time with family and friends I'll emerge with a clear heart and mind to do what I was called to do.

Wishing me all the best - always,

Me

The C-R-A-Z-Y

I'm getting my period next week. That means that this week I've got the crazies. It won't take much to set me off the deep end or send me into uncontrolable sobs. There will be nothing that you can do to please me from this point on until it's over. Any and/or every word out of your mouth is bound to piss me off. Since I've realized my pattern I try to actively keep myself in check and manage my reactions and emotions during this time period. It works...sometimes.

I wish that I wasn't like this - it's draining, not only on me but my relationships as well. I've tried medication but it only works when you remember to take it. For now, I'm going to try to have a good night. I decided to write a little to calm myself down because I was getting pretty worked up over things that I have absolutely no control over. I cannot control another persons actions -only my own. Tonight, in the battle of the c-r-a-z-y I am determined to triumph.

Sterility

Today I sat next to a lady on the bus having a conversation with her fertility specialists office. The feeling of wanting to turn a bit in my seat and look at her was overwhelming but I resisted the urge to do so. I felt bad even wanting to turn to look at her and examine her 30 - something face - a face not unlike my own. Most women of child-bearing age spend the majority of those years finding ways to NOT bear children. We scheme and stuff ourselves full of hormones with little thought to the future. Or maybe it is the future that keeps us cramming the hormones into our fertile bodies, tricking our ovaries month after month. Pretty soon the months turn into years and before we know it the damage is done. When my time comes, I pray that if the gods don't see fit to forgive my sins - I'm in a position to pay.



Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring





























Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring