One cigarette next to a lighter. I found it yesterday in my apartment. I knew it was his because, he was there the night before. It still startled me. I've lived sans roommate for 5 years now and I'm used to things always being where I left them last. I don't have lots of people over so there really is never anything new that is left behind. So, yesterday evening as I was preparing to sit down for a little dinner and mindless brainwashing I was suprised to see the cigarette and lighter on the t.v. table.
Recently, I've had flashes of "us" living in the same dwelling. I've kept these flashes to myself but, I've thought them none the less. I'm not quite sure how something like that would work. Let's forget the most obvious question of where would we even FIND an apartment and talk about how we would live in it together and both survive to tell the story. To date, his place is a bachelors paradise. Lots of male activities take place around the clock that I would never in a million years tolerate in a home for "us"-of which he is aware. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are always welcome in my home for a visit. My defintion of a visit is something that is infrequent and scheduled-it has a beginning and ending time.
As I picked up the cigarette I remembered how it got there. He'd asked if he could smoke in the bathroom-no, wait-he didn't ask. He's asked in the past-twice, and I said yes. This time we was kind of sneaking off to the bathroom with said cigarette in hand. He knows I hate it, I know he's addicted, we try to dance the dance of understanding around this touchy subject. A subject which he hid from me for the first 2-3 months that we were dating. He said he wanted to get me hooked first before I judged him. As he made his was to the bathroom I said out loud, "No smoking" in my whiniest most annoying voice, to which he huffed and set the cigarette and lighter on the table.
Which brings me to my next point. If it's "our" place can I force/request/demand him to smoke outside or in the bathroom? I mean if he doesn't, he's killing us both slowly-at least if it's confined he's only killing himself a little at a time. I don't want to die because of someone else's addiction without any of the benefits. I want to at least be able to say that, "I had a helluva time!".
