I guess it's time for reflecting huh? Thinking about all the ways 2005 sucked and how 2006 is going to be wonderful and fabulous and yadda, yadda, yadda. I mean, 2005 did suck and in my opinion MY 2006 IS going to be fabulous. I'm just kind of tired of saying it out loud-Let's get it started!
I have such a fan-tabulous year planned. Planned is the operative word-nothing to date has ever really gone "as planned" in my life. This some how doesn't deter me from planning though. I'm pretty much booked all year although, things don't really start rolling until April. This year my friends and I will begin to turn "A certain age". I don't official cross that bridge until 2007 but I'm still close enough to feel the fire and smell the smoke. I'm coming to terms with it, no really I am. When I arrive I'm preparing myself to feel nothing less than blessed. Some people in my life didn't make it to 30-sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Then I feel foolish because every day is really a precious gift.
Next subject.
Tomorrow night is the big night. The biggest night of the year for most. In October the whispers start and by Thanksgiving most people "have a place". By this I mean, they know where they are spending New Years Eve. They've paid the big bucks to stand elbow to elbow in a building full of sweaty, drunk strangers and celebrate the passing of the old and the birth of the new.
In years passed, I've frantically searched for "some place to go" and "some thing to wear" and actually felt anxiety. I used to believe that how one spent New Years Eve was indicative of what the anticipated year held. I don't really believe that anymore.
Last New Years Eve by no fault of my own, (actually maybe it was-I made plans with a liar) I spent the evening alone. It made me sad on so many levels. I've been alone at night before...that wasn't it. It was the fact that I made plans with this guy who basically stood me up-on New Years Eve of all nights. He never really apologized for it either, not in the way I wanted to hear. We were in telephone contact all night but he couldn't seem to break himself away from his friends so that we could go out-and he didn't want me to come to where he was with his friends because of some lame excuse. Last New Years Eve as I rejected an invitation from a girlfriend to a house party moments after realizing that I was going to spend the night alone I laid on my bed and cried. It wasn't just the fact that I'd bought a new outfit and new makeup or that I was already dressed when I realized (and then decided) I wasn't going anywhere. It was the silence that was screaming in my apartment that made me cry. Rewinding MIML that had come to naught. It was watching in silence all the smiling people in Times Square on the television that I couldn't bare to hear laughing and enjoying themselves. They seemed to be mocking my feelings of abandonment. It was knowing my friends were all "some where" doing "some thing" and I couldn't bring myself to call them in tears and ruin their night. I couldn't bear to call and have them think of me as I felt in those moments as I lay there.
This year I've decided that I'm going to take it easy this year. I haven't bought an outfit, I'm not obsessing. I have asked a few people what they will be up to because well, old habits die hard. The thing is I'm not really feeling crazy because I don't have plans set in stone. I'm feeling like-I'll go where the night takes me and I'll be sure to report back all the gory details come Tuesday. This is my life, if you know nothing you KNOW there WILL be details.
Well kids, If you don't be good be careful!
Good Night and Good Luck in the New Year!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Christmas Day 2005
Santa brought me what I wanted this year. He allowed my family to stop dissing the functional and just pretend to be normal for a few hours.
Even when my dad arrived drunk and without a formal invitation to the Christmas Eve gathering we still all made it through the evening. Behind frozen smiles, avoiding each others eyes we lost ourselves in the childrens joy and we made it through. Putting it out there like that it might still seem a bit dysfunctional to some but to me it's progress. We haven't ever been able to do that. At some point someone just can't keep it together and they go off the deep end.
I've come to believe that happiness is something that you create-in some ways it's a figment of your imagination(The mind after all is a powerful thing). If this is true than we did a good job. We used our brains! (Mothers across the globe had their wish come true-a child used their brain). Speaking to my sisters prior to last night I made them aware of my expectation for Christmas Eve. I wanted to have a nice day-a day without drama. We were all in one accord in this regard. I'm glad that everyone prepared their hearts and minds before arriving and that we all stuck to the goal.
Even when my dad arrived drunk and without a formal invitation to the Christmas Eve gathering we still all made it through the evening. Behind frozen smiles, avoiding each others eyes we lost ourselves in the childrens joy and we made it through. Putting it out there like that it might still seem a bit dysfunctional to some but to me it's progress. We haven't ever been able to do that. At some point someone just can't keep it together and they go off the deep end.
I've come to believe that happiness is something that you create-in some ways it's a figment of your imagination(The mind after all is a powerful thing). If this is true than we did a good job. We used our brains! (Mothers across the globe had their wish come true-a child used their brain). Speaking to my sisters prior to last night I made them aware of my expectation for Christmas Eve. I wanted to have a nice day-a day without drama. We were all in one accord in this regard. I'm glad that everyone prepared their hearts and minds before arriving and that we all stuck to the goal.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I still stand behind 'em-only now I'm on my knees...
Praying to God to-MAKE IT STOP! Pretty pretty please make it stop. I'll never complain about the transit system again, not even when the "G" train is referred to as Brigadoon-appearing out of the mist once every 100 years. I promise. I'm sleep deprived, I haven't finished Christmas shopping and my mom is coming into the city via Greyhound within the next 24 hours.
There is something that brings me solace though...the fact that my family isn't the only dysfunctional thing going on this holiday season. This year everyone gets to taste it.
There is something that brings me solace though...the fact that my family isn't the only dysfunctional thing going on this holiday season. This year everyone gets to taste it.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Today is Wednesday
I spent all day yesterday at my friends house. Instead of fighting our way into Manhattan to our respective places of employment we set up shop in her livingroom. I manned the pc and she took over the laptop. With the local news channel as our backdrop we chatted and worked. We DID actually work. I even made my 12:30pm deadline. After putting in our unofficial hourage we devoured cheap chinese, homemade brownies and milk.
Today I'm back to the traditional grindstone. I got up early, showered quickly, dressed in clothes that appeared to be in the same color scheme and stumbled into the dark cold morning. This morning though I had no cramped train ride to dread, I didn't have to let a train or two pass because they were too full. Today there were no trains. The Transit Workers Union is on strike, they feel as if they are being short changed by the MTA. I stand behind them, I do, I support them. They deserve basic human kindness and consideration. Mayor Bloomberg is way off base in some of the things that he has said thus far, in my humble opinion. This is not however the time nor the place.
Today I tried to work really hard and stay focused all day but-not really happening. My To Do list keeps running around in my head and it's on repeat. I still need a "little something" for this one and a gift bag for "that one" and other random things. I'm not even really sure what day it is. Every day this week has seemed like a week in and of itself. I keep thinking that Friday is Christmas Eve and freaking out-but then I remember, it's Saturday and I take a breath. Friday my mom and brother will be up from VA. Saturday and Sunday my whole family will be together, there will be plenty of time to freak out.
Today I'm back to the traditional grindstone. I got up early, showered quickly, dressed in clothes that appeared to be in the same color scheme and stumbled into the dark cold morning. This morning though I had no cramped train ride to dread, I didn't have to let a train or two pass because they were too full. Today there were no trains. The Transit Workers Union is on strike, they feel as if they are being short changed by the MTA. I stand behind them, I do, I support them. They deserve basic human kindness and consideration. Mayor Bloomberg is way off base in some of the things that he has said thus far, in my humble opinion. This is not however the time nor the place.
Today I tried to work really hard and stay focused all day but-not really happening. My To Do list keeps running around in my head and it's on repeat. I still need a "little something" for this one and a gift bag for "that one" and other random things. I'm not even really sure what day it is. Every day this week has seemed like a week in and of itself. I keep thinking that Friday is Christmas Eve and freaking out-but then I remember, it's Saturday and I take a breath. Friday my mom and brother will be up from VA. Saturday and Sunday my whole family will be together, there will be plenty of time to freak out.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Come back home wit' me for a little bit...
On Saturday I dropped off four rolls of seriously neglected film. They have been sitting in my apartment for a while. They chronical various time periods this summer. I've been dying to see how they turned out but laziness has kept me forgetting to develop them. Last night I picked them up along with about $200.00 worth of goods and merchandise for the various children in my life (stop having kids people...no seriously).
I thought I'd take you on a trip down memory lane today. Trips are always fun right? Tonight I leave for a trip to D.C. I'm going to reunite with the 6 young girls I mentored on a 8 day backpacking trip in West Virginia this summer. The experience is one that I will never forget. Myself and other mentor are driving down tonight and are scheduled to meet 3-4 of the girls and their youth leader tomorrow for an afternoon about town. I'm really excited to see the girls, we have been in touch since the trip in August and some of them are doing better than others.
They appear in the photos.
And so it begins...
This is Naliyah (Leah) my baby niece...isn't she the cutest!
I thought I'd take you on a trip down memory lane today. Trips are always fun right? Tonight I leave for a trip to D.C. I'm going to reunite with the 6 young girls I mentored on a 8 day backpacking trip in West Virginia this summer. The experience is one that I will never forget. Myself and other mentor are driving down tonight and are scheduled to meet 3-4 of the girls and their youth leader tomorrow for an afternoon about town. I'm really excited to see the girls, we have been in touch since the trip in August and some of them are doing better than others.
They appear in the photos.
And so it begins...
This is Naliyah (Leah) my baby niece...isn't she the cutest!
This is a picture of Hannah and Noelle, my other nieces. Hannah is the one leaning on her hands. Her sister is next to her.
My brother Matt...
Jason and I...he would probably stop talking to me if he knew I posted this. It's not a flattering picture of him...I look okay though...
Halloween this year...
This is the heavy hitter-My little cousin Jayson. He was born 11 lbs at birth and fit clothing for a 3 month old coming home from the hospital. He was delivered naturally (ouch?).
This is the group that I am going to see this weekend.
On this cold winter day I'm going to leave with the money shot. The BBQ, the epidemy of what summer is all about. These next few months are going to be hard and I need all the happy thoughts I can hold with both hands.
Here's to Summer! We love you, and miss you, come back soon now ya' hear!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
This little piggy goes crack, crack, crack all the way to the Orthopedist
Once again, if it can happen it will happen to me. Three weeks into the training season for the race in April and I break a toe last night. Yes folks, didn't think you could break those little buggers did you? Well, Miss. Maria figured it out-yes, y'all she did.
How? you ask? Well I'll tell you. I was in the bathroom hanging christmas lights (yes-the bathroom). I thought the bathroom would be a nice place for white lights because it would be decoration and a night light all in one. So I pulled the step stool into the bathroom, climbed up and was on my way to creating my masterpiece. After I hung the lights on the top of the window, I heard my phone ringing to Jason's ringtone. I jumped down, answered the phone and headed back to the bathroom. I climbed back on the step stool holding my phone in place with my shoulder so my hands would be free to arrange the lights. I kind of remember thinking, I should stop this isn't going to work with me on the phone. I remember laughing at something Jason said and trying to step down off the step stool, but feeling off balance and then reaching out for the (plastic) towel rack. The next thing I felt was the scrap of the plastic dowel as it slid up my forearm and the fire in my toe. I dropped the phone and tried to stand upright but pain shot through my foot. At that point, I couldn't pinpoint the source of the pain. I could hear Jason yelling my name into the phone but I couldn't respond because I'd been knocked senseless in agony.
When I finally found my voice I searched for the phone under the random clothing pieces that had slid off the towel rack when it fell. I reassured Jason that I was indeed going to live but not without some pain. I held some frozen vegetables for lack of ice cubes on my foot for a little while then went to bed.
Even before I had my X-ray at work today I knew it was broken. I broke another toe when I was in college, same foot. You don't forget the pain-it's like a stubbed toe that won't quit.
I'm feeling really sad because I'm not sure what this means in terms of training. I don't belong to a gym and I can't really AFFORD to belong to one. All of our training is outdoors. I'm scheduled to see an orthopedist Friday so-I guess she'll let me know what will or will not be.
I refuse to give up...even if I have to walk I plan to be out there with the best of 'em.
How? you ask? Well I'll tell you. I was in the bathroom hanging christmas lights (yes-the bathroom). I thought the bathroom would be a nice place for white lights because it would be decoration and a night light all in one. So I pulled the step stool into the bathroom, climbed up and was on my way to creating my masterpiece. After I hung the lights on the top of the window, I heard my phone ringing to Jason's ringtone. I jumped down, answered the phone and headed back to the bathroom. I climbed back on the step stool holding my phone in place with my shoulder so my hands would be free to arrange the lights. I kind of remember thinking, I should stop this isn't going to work with me on the phone. I remember laughing at something Jason said and trying to step down off the step stool, but feeling off balance and then reaching out for the (plastic) towel rack. The next thing I felt was the scrap of the plastic dowel as it slid up my forearm and the fire in my toe. I dropped the phone and tried to stand upright but pain shot through my foot. At that point, I couldn't pinpoint the source of the pain. I could hear Jason yelling my name into the phone but I couldn't respond because I'd been knocked senseless in agony.
When I finally found my voice I searched for the phone under the random clothing pieces that had slid off the towel rack when it fell. I reassured Jason that I was indeed going to live but not without some pain. I held some frozen vegetables for lack of ice cubes on my foot for a little while then went to bed.
Even before I had my X-ray at work today I knew it was broken. I broke another toe when I was in college, same foot. You don't forget the pain-it's like a stubbed toe that won't quit.
I'm feeling really sad because I'm not sure what this means in terms of training. I don't belong to a gym and I can't really AFFORD to belong to one. All of our training is outdoors. I'm scheduled to see an orthopedist Friday so-I guess she'll let me know what will or will not be.
I refuse to give up...even if I have to walk I plan to be out there with the best of 'em.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Maybe it's all I need...
This weekend I spent a few hours with my nieces Noelle and Hannah. They are five and four respectively. As we waited for my brother in law and sister to finish checking out at Kohl's Hannah looked over at me and informed me that she was getting me something for Christmas. Hannah being the pip that she is had me hooked in anticipation.
"Really?" I asked. "Well, I'm getting you something too, what are you getting me?".
"A wedding dress" she replied without batting an eye. I tried to keep a straight face but the corners of my mouth were twitching. "Why are you getting me a wedding dress Hannah?" "Because I want you to wear one tomorrow". Then Noelle turns to me and asks me if I had a brush. I told her that I do but I didn't bring it with me, I only have a comb. Noelle pauses from playing with the doll in her hand and says, "I'm going to get you a brush...AND a comb".
Maybe THIS is what my life has been missing...
From the mouth of babes.
"Really?" I asked. "Well, I'm getting you something too, what are you getting me?".
"A wedding dress" she replied without batting an eye. I tried to keep a straight face but the corners of my mouth were twitching. "Why are you getting me a wedding dress Hannah?" "Because I want you to wear one tomorrow". Then Noelle turns to me and asks me if I had a brush. I told her that I do but I didn't bring it with me, I only have a comb. Noelle pauses from playing with the doll in her hand and says, "I'm going to get you a brush...AND a comb".
Maybe THIS is what my life has been missing...
From the mouth of babes.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
Monday, December 5, 2005
It's the most wonderful time of the year
Sunday evening Jason suggested we "go see the tree". I've only actually "seen the tree" a handful of times and it seemed like a nice way to wrap up the weekend. We arrived around 9:00pm and Rockefeller Center was bustling with activity. Familes, lovers and other groups huddled together in the cold to snap shots with the famous tree as the backdrop. The plaza was set up with angel and heart figurines perfect for posing with. Even Sponge Bob and Santa were there willing to take a picture with you for $7.00. Even we got in on the action.
As we looked down on the ice skaters in the rink Jason had an "ah-ha" moment. He decided we needed to ice skate to complete the experience. I tried to explain to him that I can't even rollerskate and that me on ice with razor blades on my feet is just asking for trouble. I pointed to The Rock Center Cafe and suggested a drink, on ME even. I tried to convince him that HE should definetly do it-don't let me stop the fun. I'll take lots of pictures and smile and wave. He finally conceded but, I felt bad. He was like a little boy who wants to show you his latest trick and I was saying I didn't have time. So, I agreed.
$50.00 later we were strapped into your every own ice skates and headed out to the rink. The moment my foot touched the ice my life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly the rink that I had boldly proclaimed looked so small upstairs looked like acres of unchartered land. About an hour into the experience Jason was able to pry my cold, alive hands from the side of the rink and hand in hand we made the best of it. I wasn't the only one out there who looked like a fish out of water, and for that I was thankful. I didn't fall once, which is more than I could say for the woman who broke her ankle right in front of me.
When we wrapped up the night it was 12:00 am and we (okay, it was me) were hungry. After stopped off for a something to fill the void he dropped me home. As I snuggled into bed visions of sugar plums danced in my head.
As we looked down on the ice skaters in the rink Jason had an "ah-ha" moment. He decided we needed to ice skate to complete the experience. I tried to explain to him that I can't even rollerskate and that me on ice with razor blades on my feet is just asking for trouble. I pointed to The Rock Center Cafe and suggested a drink, on ME even. I tried to convince him that HE should definetly do it-don't let me stop the fun. I'll take lots of pictures and smile and wave. He finally conceded but, I felt bad. He was like a little boy who wants to show you his latest trick and I was saying I didn't have time. So, I agreed.
$50.00 later we were strapped into your every own ice skates and headed out to the rink. The moment my foot touched the ice my life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly the rink that I had boldly proclaimed looked so small upstairs looked like acres of unchartered land. About an hour into the experience Jason was able to pry my cold, alive hands from the side of the rink and hand in hand we made the best of it. I wasn't the only one out there who looked like a fish out of water, and for that I was thankful. I didn't fall once, which is more than I could say for the woman who broke her ankle right in front of me.
When we wrapped up the night it was 12:00 am and we (okay, it was me) were hungry. After stopped off for a something to fill the void he dropped me home. As I snuggled into bed visions of sugar plums danced in my head.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
Sometimes you don't know what you got-even when it's gone
"And every time I see him put the bottle to his mouth he doesn't suck out of it-it sucks outof him" -One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Rumor has it your up to your old tricks
Trying to fill your soul
with your liquid gold
So many years
So many tears
still hasn't lost it's hold
yet it's all you have left
Family gone
Home gone
Health gone
Nothing remains and you still refuse to change
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