I've never had maternal pangs. I've never felt like I couldn't have a complete life it I didn't have children. I just never have. I've had maternal "pinches" if you will. Like when I spend time with my nieces or a friends kids and they're just so dawg garn cute, and I could just swish-em and kiss-em and love-em to death.
I have wondered what a child of mine would look like though, I've even gone so far as to include the features of the Man in my life(MIML) at the time. It's not that I don't love children, oh but I do. I love them bunches, this is why I am so hestitant to have one. I mean, what kind of mother would I BE?? I don't do well on limited sleep. I like to shower and change my clothes daily. Don't even lie, I have mother-friends and mother-sisters and I KNOW that sometimes just the daily basic needs are a chore.
I remember the 2 days I spent helping my sister with the kids after my brother-in-law had the motorcycle accident. It was all about pampers and feedings and cleaning up and holding. There wasn't much time spent with showers, sleep or eating. Sitting down doing nothing, having a moment to yourself to think or let your mind wander wasn't on the daily to-do list.
Then there is the whole labor thing, no one ever really wants to delve into that whole subject now, do they? I swear, every time someone close comes home from having a baby the FIRST thing that I ask is so, "How was it REALLY?". I ask because it's always a vague answer like, "Oh, it wasn't as bad as I thought" or "It hurt a lot but it was over fast". I feel like there is a blue wall of silence with this whole labor and delivery thing. I feel like they are all secretly conspiring with each other to claim another member.
I've seen the heads of some newborns and their heads are BIG. Newborn-shmewborn those suckers got heads like melons. I have trouble making some days and it's no where as large as a head.
I'm all for adoption.
I'm not being fair I suppose, I'm only stating the negative, the hard stuff. There is a lot of good stuff too, I've heard. They're sweet at "that age" that age where they depend on you and you depend on them to give you unconditional love. Then they get a little older and being to verbalize the world as they see it. We have all experienced life "from the mouth of babes". They say it how they see it, straight up and raw. It makes us laugh until we cry sometimes. This is the good stuff; this is the stuff you remember. This is the stuff I could miss out on.
Today I found out that the MIML who is having paternal pangs, has TWINS that run in his family. His paternal grandmother had twin boys. His father didn't have any. If my high school biology serves me correctly this means the MIML is due for a double bundle of joy. So let's say we "made it official" ... the possibilities!
Here I was hesitant of the mother I would be to one child and there is a possiblity of TWINS! and you know it's so going to happen to me because well, "this is my life" and if it can happen it will happen to me. I admit I'm rushing a bit a head of myself. I've got myself married and pregnant and we've only been dating for 6 months.
Maybe I'm being overly anxious. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's just that, I'm getting "older" (there I said it) and "everyone's doing it". Everyone is getting married and having babies or some variation there of and here I am with my MIML and an unsure future. Not that marriage is a sure anything, I've learned. I don't feel pressure in the sense that I want to do it because others are, I feel pressure from within to decide for myself which way I want to sail this ship.
It's not that I don't want children in my life. I'm open to adoption which is a much less painful option. However, this is not something that I want to do alone. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to go down the single-mother-take-on-the-world road. I need a husband to stand by me with his hand on my elbow to make sure that when I stumble down road of motherhood that I don't fall. I know there are plenty of women out there strong, intelligent woman making the choice to do it alone. There are some of those same women who had the choice made for them. I want to make the choice to have a child when I'm ready with someone who is equally ready 'cause twins is double duty!
