I feel guilty because I don't feel any emotion. I feel nothing, if I feel nothing then maybe I am feeling...it is just that the emotion is nothing-ness. I'm worried because shouldn't I feel mad or sad or glad? something would be better than this nothing numbness that I feel.
The only thing I really feel is that I wish it had happened to you.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Last night I had my first workout at Lucille Roberts in downtown Brooklyn. Now being that it's in downtown Brooklyn, you know it was interesting. If you don't know-I'll tell you. Let's just say, all of Taquan's baby mutha's was there. I know, I know that's not fair but, true isn't always fair. All jokes aside, since I've never been to a Lucille Roberts I didn't really know what it would be like. At this particular location the main focus is classes. The class area is on the main gym floor (the whole gym is the main gym floor actually, it's small) and the weights and cardio machines are on the perimeter facing the class. During class the backs of the participates are to the people training on machines. I actually liked that part because the upbeat music that they use can be heard by everyone working out and it really helped me last night.
I just don't understand why women are so catty towards each other. I picked Lucille Roberts not only because of the price and location but because it's all women. I was tired of feeling to intimidated to use the free weights or machines where all the muscle heads congregated. I'm too sensitive I suppose. I need to grow tougher skin and not give a crap what other peoples agendas are. I'm trying to work on this.
Overall I'm glad that I joined. It's not a fancy place to work out but it will get the job done. I have 6 weeks left before I have to take it all off and I want to be ready. I mean, I'm already fabulous so can you imagine the unveiling?!
I just don't understand why women are so catty towards each other. I picked Lucille Roberts not only because of the price and location but because it's all women. I was tired of feeling to intimidated to use the free weights or machines where all the muscle heads congregated. I'm too sensitive I suppose. I need to grow tougher skin and not give a crap what other peoples agendas are. I'm trying to work on this.
Overall I'm glad that I joined. It's not a fancy place to work out but it will get the job done. I have 6 weeks left before I have to take it all off and I want to be ready. I mean, I'm already fabulous so can you imagine the unveiling?!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Friday, March 24, 2006
Drunk dialing
Last night I was drunk dialing. Only I wasn't drunk, at least I don't think I was. There was something in that frozen Mojito that did something to me. Seriously. When I got home I had this really strange desire. All I wanted in the world was to be on vacation. I wanted to pack my things and head to the airport. Do you know what it feels like to spend the day at the beach nodding in out of naptime with the sun caressing your body and the sound of the ocean in your ears? Do you know what it feels like to return back to your hotel just as the sun is setting to shower and get dressed for the night ahead? The smells of salt water and your after beach snack mingle closely as you gear up for a night of people watching and dancing. Last night I felt like I should be taking a shower and then getting dressed to go out, vacation out.
With track 15 of Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi on repeat I dug out the photo albums, poured a glass of water and called My Dear Friend Irene. No answer. So, I called her home phone, still no answer. As I continued to thumb through the pictures I took a trip down memory lane, note to self-get rid of the ex-files. Page after page reflected back to me my past. Places I've been people I've known, then I saw her, Nicole. I haven't spoken to her since the new year and my fingers searched for her number in my phone. On the first try I dialed her old cell phone and was greeted by the piercing "do-Do-DO, the number you have reached is no longer in service". I panicked because it was almost 10:30pm and I didn't want to call her house directly and risk waking up the kids or her parents but, I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear a familiar voice, I just did. Okay, maybe I was drunk.
While I was looking for the new cellphone number, My Dear Friend Irene called. Her voice filled with sleep she wanted to know if everything was okay.
"Yeah, it's just that, I need to go on vacation. I can't take it anymore 'rene I can't. I'm dying on the inside. I want to just pack my bags and go in the morning, that's all I want". "I'm looking at pictures of the first time in Miami. I see Tito and Micky and, and-what's that guys name?? Danny right? yeah Danny".
"Maria you need to go to sleep"
"I don't want to sleep I want to talk"
"Okay well, I'm going to sleep"
"Auughhhh, I hate you"
Click.
With a little more searching I found Nicole's new cell number and dialed. She had to call me back. When she did we talked briefly, quick family updates and a promise to get together. She's off most Sundays so we will get together soon. It's always "soon" isn't it? "Well do something soon", "See you soon", soon sucks, 'cause sometimes soon doesn't happen. We however, do have a date and it is soon.
With track 15 of Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi on repeat I dug out the photo albums, poured a glass of water and called My Dear Friend Irene. No answer. So, I called her home phone, still no answer. As I continued to thumb through the pictures I took a trip down memory lane, note to self-get rid of the ex-files. Page after page reflected back to me my past. Places I've been people I've known, then I saw her, Nicole. I haven't spoken to her since the new year and my fingers searched for her number in my phone. On the first try I dialed her old cell phone and was greeted by the piercing "do-Do-DO, the number you have reached is no longer in service". I panicked because it was almost 10:30pm and I didn't want to call her house directly and risk waking up the kids or her parents but, I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear a familiar voice, I just did. Okay, maybe I was drunk.
While I was looking for the new cellphone number, My Dear Friend Irene called. Her voice filled with sleep she wanted to know if everything was okay.
"Yeah, it's just that, I need to go on vacation. I can't take it anymore 'rene I can't. I'm dying on the inside. I want to just pack my bags and go in the morning, that's all I want". "I'm looking at pictures of the first time in Miami. I see Tito and Micky and, and-what's that guys name?? Danny right? yeah Danny".
"Maria you need to go to sleep"
"I don't want to sleep I want to talk"
"Okay well, I'm going to sleep"
"Auughhhh, I hate you"
Click.
With a little more searching I found Nicole's new cell number and dialed. She had to call me back. When she did we talked briefly, quick family updates and a promise to get together. She's off most Sundays so we will get together soon. It's always "soon" isn't it? "Well do something soon", "See you soon", soon sucks, 'cause sometimes soon doesn't happen. We however, do have a date and it is soon.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Be afraid, be very afraid
It doesn't take much to get me in at tizzy. This wins first prize. I've known about this colon cleansing stuff for a few years know but, this is so graphic. I'm really messed up over this, I have parasites? I can't even bring myself to look at the testimonial pictures. I accidently saw half of one picture and had to scroll back up. It ain't nuthin nice. I think I need to use my newfound drugs to get me through this difficult time.
My Best Gal Pal's husband is taking the plunge, or rather, he's about to BE plunged. The goods arrived today as we chatted on the tellie. After reading about all the crap (pun intended) that came out of all the other customers I asked, "Are you going to look? Are you going to look and see what comes out?" "I might" she said, "I just want to see if it's that nasty".
No one believes me but when I "go" I don't look. Ever. Yes, I've caught a glance here and there for one odd reason or another but, generally, I flush before I even leave the bowl. What am I looking at that crap (again, pun intended) for?!
So, needless to say I haven't eaten much today. I can't believe THIS is what it took to keep me from shoveling food in my mouth all day. Maybe I SHOULD look at the pictures and beat this demon head on?
Okay, I'm done talking about things that come out of your butt. Now let's talk about things that go on your face. Things like the fabulous vintage Gianfranco Ferre sunglasses I tried on last night. That I plan to buy soon, very soon, like today or tomorrow when I get the nerve to spend the money. They aren't flashy, they are classic and I love them. In all honesty they aren't that expensive to the average person but, I generally don't pay more than $15.00 for a pair of sunglasses. Eyeglasses, well, for that I'll splurge a bit more for. I just don't get to spend enough time in the sun to justify such a luxurious purchase when it comes to sunglasses(If only my job didn't interfere with my love of travel so much). This summer however, is scheduled to be fan-tab-u-lous and I should be also because well, I am!
My Best Gal Pal's husband is taking the plunge, or rather, he's about to BE plunged. The goods arrived today as we chatted on the tellie. After reading about all the crap (pun intended) that came out of all the other customers I asked, "Are you going to look? Are you going to look and see what comes out?" "I might" she said, "I just want to see if it's that nasty".
No one believes me but when I "go" I don't look. Ever. Yes, I've caught a glance here and there for one odd reason or another but, generally, I flush before I even leave the bowl. What am I looking at that crap (again, pun intended) for?!
So, needless to say I haven't eaten much today. I can't believe THIS is what it took to keep me from shoveling food in my mouth all day. Maybe I SHOULD look at the pictures and beat this demon head on?
Okay, I'm done talking about things that come out of your butt. Now let's talk about things that go on your face. Things like the fabulous vintage Gianfranco Ferre sunglasses I tried on last night. That I plan to buy soon, very soon, like today or tomorrow when I get the nerve to spend the money. They aren't flashy, they are classic and I love them. In all honesty they aren't that expensive to the average person but, I generally don't pay more than $15.00 for a pair of sunglasses. Eyeglasses, well, for that I'll splurge a bit more for. I just don't get to spend enough time in the sun to justify such a luxurious purchase when it comes to sunglasses(If only my job didn't interfere with my love of travel so much). This summer however, is scheduled to be fan-tab-u-lous and I should be also because well, I am!
Friday, March 17, 2006
To my family with Irish roots: I celebrate you
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends, but rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Co-habitating
One cigarette next to a lighter. I found it yesterday in my apartment. I knew it was his because, he was there the night before. It still startled me. I've lived sans roommate for 5 years now and I'm used to things always being where I left them last. I don't have lots of people over so there really is never anything new that is left behind. So, yesterday evening as I was preparing to sit down for a little dinner and mindless brainwashing I was suprised to see the cigarette and lighter on the t.v. table.
Recently, I've had flashes of "us" living in the same dwelling. I've kept these flashes to myself but, I've thought them none the less. I'm not quite sure how something like that would work. Let's forget the most obvious question of where would we even FIND an apartment and talk about how we would live in it together and both survive to tell the story. To date, his place is a bachelors paradise. Lots of male activities take place around the clock that I would never in a million years tolerate in a home for "us"-of which he is aware. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are always welcome in my home for a visit. My defintion of a visit is something that is infrequent and scheduled-it has a beginning and ending time.
As I picked up the cigarette I remembered how it got there. He'd asked if he could smoke in the bathroom-no, wait-he didn't ask. He's asked in the past-twice, and I said yes. This time we was kind of sneaking off to the bathroom with said cigarette in hand. He knows I hate it, I know he's addicted, we try to dance the dance of understanding around this touchy subject. A subject which he hid from me for the first 2-3 months that we were dating. He said he wanted to get me hooked first before I judged him. As he made his was to the bathroom I said out loud, "No smoking" in my whiniest most annoying voice, to which he huffed and set the cigarette and lighter on the table.
Which brings me to my next point. If it's "our" place can I force/request/demand him to smoke outside or in the bathroom? I mean if he doesn't, he's killing us both slowly-at least if it's confined he's only killing himself a little at a time. I don't want to die because of someone else's addiction without any of the benefits. I want to at least be able to say that, "I had a helluva time!".
Recently, I've had flashes of "us" living in the same dwelling. I've kept these flashes to myself but, I've thought them none the less. I'm not quite sure how something like that would work. Let's forget the most obvious question of where would we even FIND an apartment and talk about how we would live in it together and both survive to tell the story. To date, his place is a bachelors paradise. Lots of male activities take place around the clock that I would never in a million years tolerate in a home for "us"-of which he is aware. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are always welcome in my home for a visit. My defintion of a visit is something that is infrequent and scheduled-it has a beginning and ending time.
As I picked up the cigarette I remembered how it got there. He'd asked if he could smoke in the bathroom-no, wait-he didn't ask. He's asked in the past-twice, and I said yes. This time we was kind of sneaking off to the bathroom with said cigarette in hand. He knows I hate it, I know he's addicted, we try to dance the dance of understanding around this touchy subject. A subject which he hid from me for the first 2-3 months that we were dating. He said he wanted to get me hooked first before I judged him. As he made his was to the bathroom I said out loud, "No smoking" in my whiniest most annoying voice, to which he huffed and set the cigarette and lighter on the table.
Which brings me to my next point. If it's "our" place can I force/request/demand him to smoke outside or in the bathroom? I mean if he doesn't, he's killing us both slowly-at least if it's confined he's only killing himself a little at a time. I don't want to die because of someone else's addiction without any of the benefits. I want to at least be able to say that, "I had a helluva time!".
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Things I wanna do this springsummer:
We all know I love springsummer. That is not a typo, it should really be one word dontcha think? I think I'll start the lobbying in Washington-who's in?? I'm always down for a road trip. So, my baby will be here next week, she's due to arrive on Monday. Spring that is, her sister will follow in a few-as they say. I've been inspired to make a list of things I wanna do this springsummer. This is in addition to the things that I'm officially doing already. These items are in random order.
1. Take the ferry to Staten Island. Not exactly the MOST exciting thing to do but, I've never done it...
2. See Coney Island at night. I'm not touching the rides but I just kind of want to see the meat market action in lights. I want to eat a hot dog and greasy french fries and laugh about how my diet is going to hell.
3. Take a week day off to go to the movies or shopping or whatever I want. I do this every year.
4. Take part in as many free City activities as I can. Last year I finally made it to Bryant Park for the Monday night movie in the park. It was 239 degrees even at 9pm. Good Times though.
5. Find a great outdoor eatery and use it to death all summer.
6. Hang out in my neighborhood more-last year was the first year I really did that.
7. Have Tea with friends.
8. Have lots of after work drinks and dinners with friends.
9. Take lots of weekend trips to VA Beach this summer (Beach and family-I'm so glad my mom is a beach lover too ) on the Chinatown bus-$40 roundtrip-now THAT'S a bargain! (disclaimer: a scary life threatening bargain but, one nonetheless).
10. Work really really hard on my personal endeavors so that in a few years I can do what I want and have what I want.
1. Take the ferry to Staten Island. Not exactly the MOST exciting thing to do but, I've never done it...
2. See Coney Island at night. I'm not touching the rides but I just kind of want to see the meat market action in lights. I want to eat a hot dog and greasy french fries and laugh about how my diet is going to hell.
3. Take a week day off to go to the movies or shopping or whatever I want. I do this every year.
4. Take part in as many free City activities as I can. Last year I finally made it to Bryant Park for the Monday night movie in the park. It was 239 degrees even at 9pm. Good Times though.
5. Find a great outdoor eatery and use it to death all summer.
6. Hang out in my neighborhood more-last year was the first year I really did that.
7. Have Tea with friends.
8. Have lots of after work drinks and dinners with friends.
9. Take lots of weekend trips to VA Beach this summer (Beach and family-I'm so glad my mom is a beach lover too ) on the Chinatown bus-$40 roundtrip-now THAT'S a bargain! (disclaimer: a scary life threatening bargain but, one nonetheless).
10. Work really really hard on my personal endeavors so that in a few years I can do what I want and have what I want.
My time
My next free Saturday to myself is May 27th. This year is SO busy but, in a good way. I'm doing a lot of things that I've been talking about forever. On the one hand it feels really good to be productive but at the same time it's stressful. I can feel it in my bones that this is going to be a great year and that I'm going to burst into my 30's with all this great momentum and energy! It's exciting. I promised myself 2006 would be my year and so far it's going good. There are always going to be slips and falls, this is life not a fairy tale-but I'm ready.
I recently read an entry by Genna that talks about self image. Genna faults herself for at times thinking of herself in a negative way but finds joy in the fact that she is moving away from that way of thinking.
Anyone close to me knows that my self image isn't exactly 100%, so I can't sit here and lie. I admit, I've got a rack full of issues but, I don't want to be like that any more. I know, I know, I've said this before...lots of times before. This time I am going to be pro-active about it. I want to see myself the way others see me. I am sure that the people who care about me don't see me as harshly as I view myself. I'm going to begin to practice self acceptance.
Thursday, March 9, 2006
What's done in the dark, always comes to light
I've read about it twice today. This morning, I read an article in yesterday's paper that told the story of Teri Hatchers abuse and the role she played in locking up the uncle that abused her. She came forward because a 14 year old little girl who was abused by Teri's uncle committed suicide recently. He's been doing it for 35 years. After I settled in to work (or the avoidance thereof) I checked My Morning Tea and there was someone else telling their story of abuse.
A couple of months ago BestGalPal, her daughter The Diva and I visited the home of my sister and two nieces. The girls believe that they are "cousins" and always have loads of fun whenever they have the opportunity for a play date. This day was no exception.
Prior to our arrival my Martha Stewart sister (Sister #2-in birth order) had prepared homemade playdough and cupcakes. The girls spent the afternoon enjoying each others company as they created doughy one of a kind masterpieces and decorated cupcakes made from scratch (but of course!). As the children settled into a lazy day Saturday afternoon rythmn of Barbies and Dora the adults settled into the livingroom. Sisters #2 , #4 and #5 joined BestGalPal and I for an afternoon chat. At some point the conversation turned to abuse-I'm not sure how or why. Sister #4 spouted a statistic, "One in five women are sexually abused". We all stopped talking and looked around the room. I held my breathe. There we were, my 3 sisters and one friend wondering, "Who?". There was a small pause and someone offered up a story of improperity, some uncomfortable moment at a young age. I don't remember all the details because I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, pounding. All I could see was, what happened to me.
I can't believe it happens so often. It's scary and sad. My story is like everyone elses. It involves and uncle and a family friends older son. It starts with sleepovers and dark bedrooms where older boys are trusted to be alone with little girls and they coerce them into playing "games" that make little girls feel uncomfortable. This little girl has a protective mommy who is fiercely afraid that something like this could happen. Her mommy does her best to protect her but-she locks the beast inside.
This little girl has an uncle that isn't quite "right". One day the little girl is left alone for a short while on a warm spring day in her mommy's bedroom. As soon as her mommy leaves uncle picks up the little girl who just started kindergarten and tries to pull down the little girls pants. He lays her on the bed and puts his body on top of hers-the little girl cries out, she doesn't know what is going on. Mommy comes running into the room and her fists and angry words are flying at uncle. He is looking at her like he doesn't quite understand what he just did. Mommy and the little girl never talk about it again, ever. It makes the little girl feel bad because she remembers all the time. Years later, the little girl is a big girl and she sees her uncle several more times. Every time she has to hug him and she remembers it all over again. She remembers that everyone else forgot.
A couple of months ago BestGalPal, her daughter The Diva and I visited the home of my sister and two nieces. The girls believe that they are "cousins" and always have loads of fun whenever they have the opportunity for a play date. This day was no exception.
Prior to our arrival my Martha Stewart sister (Sister #2-in birth order) had prepared homemade playdough and cupcakes. The girls spent the afternoon enjoying each others company as they created doughy one of a kind masterpieces and decorated cupcakes made from scratch (but of course!). As the children settled into a lazy day Saturday afternoon rythmn of Barbies and Dora the adults settled into the livingroom. Sisters #2 , #4 and #5 joined BestGalPal and I for an afternoon chat. At some point the conversation turned to abuse-I'm not sure how or why. Sister #4 spouted a statistic, "One in five women are sexually abused". We all stopped talking and looked around the room. I held my breathe. There we were, my 3 sisters and one friend wondering, "Who?". There was a small pause and someone offered up a story of improperity, some uncomfortable moment at a young age. I don't remember all the details because I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, pounding. All I could see was, what happened to me.
I can't believe it happens so often. It's scary and sad. My story is like everyone elses. It involves and uncle and a family friends older son. It starts with sleepovers and dark bedrooms where older boys are trusted to be alone with little girls and they coerce them into playing "games" that make little girls feel uncomfortable. This little girl has a protective mommy who is fiercely afraid that something like this could happen. Her mommy does her best to protect her but-she locks the beast inside.
This little girl has an uncle that isn't quite "right". One day the little girl is left alone for a short while on a warm spring day in her mommy's bedroom. As soon as her mommy leaves uncle picks up the little girl who just started kindergarten and tries to pull down the little girls pants. He lays her on the bed and puts his body on top of hers-the little girl cries out, she doesn't know what is going on. Mommy comes running into the room and her fists and angry words are flying at uncle. He is looking at her like he doesn't quite understand what he just did. Mommy and the little girl never talk about it again, ever. It makes the little girl feel bad because she remembers all the time. Years later, the little girl is a big girl and she sees her uncle several more times. Every time she has to hug him and she remembers it all over again. She remembers that everyone else forgot.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Money and Class
I saw a woman today on the subway and she reminded me of you. Blonde curls arranged in a way that lets us know it comes naturally. Soft curls nestled around her face protecting her from the cold, making me wish that I was a "curly girl". She was tall and lean, dressed in money and dripping with class.
On my mind
I feel like I'm having a breakdown and it's making me nervous. Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I was being chased by a monster in another world. Somehow I made it back to this world but the monster was still following me. I woke up more depressed than I was when I went to sleep.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Thursday, March 2, 2006
This thing called Love
Romantic love is a crazy thing. It's the one elusive that everyone searchs for. The one need that we all have in common-whether we choose to admit it or not. First love, now THAT'S a topic that we could spend all day on! The first time you give your heart you always fall hard. First love takes your breathe away. When it's gone-you suffocate.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)