It wasn't a decision that came easy. She tells me how she cried many nights before she came to peace with it. Peace in knowing that it was the choice she was going to make. Funny thing is, she hasn't had peace of mind since.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Suggestions?
11 weeks. 11 weeks until I hit the beaches of Miami and Cancun and I'm not ready. My body won't co-operate. I'm running, I'm cutting back. I'm cutting out-I'm ready to cut OFF the fat on my thighs because, I don't see any other way to remove it. I was just emailed pictures of myself from a recent event and it wasn't nuthin' nice. It's disappointing because I've been good. Even on the weekend-even in the dark, when no one is watching but me. Still, nothing. I don't understand.
Maybe it's my pill?? I had a long talk with a doctor friend to get her opinion but she doesn't think so. The thing is my period is ferocious without that little pill. I'm talking tampon AND a pad. I was tired of walking about hemmoraging every month. This pill has been a life saver. I don't really want to give it up but...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. I want my thighs to fit in my jeans. I want to be able to utilize my entire wardrobe.
The messed up thing is that some days I FEEL good then I take out something from my cute days and can't get it over my fat ass. I want to scream!
Short of starvation I'm not sure what to do...any suggestions? I'm wide-open...
Monday, February 20, 2006
Question:
Does the truth really set you free? I used to believe that it did. Now, I think that sometimes, the truth just stabs you in the heart and makes it hard to breathe. Would it be better to live in ignorant bliss? Who knows?
Monday, February 13, 2006
xoxo Hallmark Holidays xoxo
I can't remember the last time I had a Valentine. Well, a few years ago I had a half-assed one, he picked up flowers at the deli and gave me a kiss and that was that. It felt forced, even then. I don't have a problem with bodega flowers, when you get down to it a flower is a flower... My issue is, no forethought. There is something to be said for thinking it through, trying to find a gift that suits me. I don't care about the price tag-I swear, I mean I'm not giving back diamonds but, it's not a prerequiste. I just want to know that you cared enough to think about my likes and dislikes, my wants and desires. Did you remember the conversation we had when I mentioned that I loved the cupcakes at Magnolia? or that my favorite soap scent at L'Occitane is Miel? If I'm in to you, I'm listening. I'm listening and taking notes and you should do the same. What's fair is fair. I don't buy gifts that I cannot afford and you shouldn't either. That is not my point.
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
everywhere
It was an early Sunday morning. The suns rays got caught in the mini blinds and shone into my eyes, waking me. I looked over at you, I thought you were still sleeping but, you were looking at me. "I want you to come with me", you whispered. "Where?" I questioned, glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand that read 7:34am. "Everywhere" you sighed and pulled me closer.
Promise??
Best Gal Pal and her 3yr old Diva Daughter
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Friday, February 3, 2006
"That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!"
I've been thinking about friendships alot lately. Friends are the best. You chose each other and if all goes well then-you stay together for years. Sometimes you have to break up because well, sometimes that's how life is but, most times, it's friends till the end. Isn't that cool?
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Life
I think I have writers block. The well of creativity seems to have shut off, much like the water fountains in Prospect Park this time of year. Maybe it's not block at all, maybe it's life overload. There is so much going on around and in my life right now that it's hard to separate each thought out and put each one where it belongs. They are all swirling like a whirlwind in my head. My desk at work is covered in post-its; my planner is chuck full of to-do lists. I've even started to put my bills in my planner sorted by due-date and affixed with paper clips or staples-just so that I don't forget. Con Edison doesn't take kindly to late payments, as I found out a few months ago when I received a turn-off notice because I forgot to pay. I don't forget anymore.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
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