...

I remember being three years old and being at my mother's wedding. I had the chicken pox and my face was covered in calamine lotion. At the reception I wasn't feeling well and someone brought me home. My next memory is at five. It was a summer day and I was walking to the store with my mom. We were visiting Nana and Pop that day. My mom shared a story with me that changed my life. I remember feeling the shift, even at five years old. She told me about how the man she married wasn't the man who made me. She explained to me what that meant. I still remember how I felt hearing that in my little girl ears. I felt sad. I felt like I lost something.
I remember being seven. My mom told me that she needed to talk to me about something. She came into my room with a pencil and some sheets of paper. We sat on the bed and she explained what "getting your period" meant. She also explained to me what sex was. My mom drew diagrams of the male and female reproductive system complete with labels. I remember hoping I wouldn't get my period until I was sixteen. To me, sixteen seemed like the perfect age because I would be able to go to Genovese and buy sanitary napkins without feeling embarrassed. I "got my period" at age nine. My mother was working nights at the time and I didn't tell her for two months. I just used toilet paper.
I remember being eight and my father getting really drunk and breaking the glass cover that contained the record player. That was the first time I remember him getting violent.
I remember being nine turning ten. It was the morning of my tenth birthday party and I'd invited friends from school for a birthday party. It was a Saturday morning. We had to set up the screened-in porch for the party because the night before my father punched holes in the walls.
I remember my dad took us all to see the movie "Song of the South". That was a nice day. I remember leaving the movie theatre and the sun being out.
I remember my mom reading us "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" every night at bedtime. I remember her buying us chocolate for the part when they reach the factory.
I remember my grandfather having Thanksgiving dinner with us the year after my grandmother died. He said that he was thankful to be with us that day.
I remember that I never realized we didn't have much money until I was a teenager.
I remember when my parent's separated, I was in ninth grade. We moved into a house that was in really bad shape. I remember we didn't have food. I remember my mom applied for public assistance. I remember thinking I loved my mom so much. I wished there was something I could do. I remember my dad finished rehab and came home. I remember feeling sad.
I remember moving into a nice new house. I remember having the things that we needed. I remember my mom going back to college. I remember her finishing and going to graduate school. I remember feeling proud.
I remember moving away from home and missing my family.
I remember falling in love with "E". I remember being so happy. I remember growing up and knowing it wasn't right. I remember saying goodbye.
I remember when I stopped hating my father. I remember when I started understanding. I remember laying in my sister's room on the first day of school eve. We would peek out of the window and hope the sun would come up so we could wear our new clothes. I remember getting my sisters together upstairs in one of our rooms and praying daddy would stop yelling. Praying that mommy would be able to get some sleep tonight.
I remember my dad bringing home cupcakes for us on Valentines Day.
I remember how I felt last year when my parent's finally separated. I remember the day my nieces were born.I remember the day "E" died. I remember the day I graduated from high school and college. I remember the first time I went out with Jason. I remember how it feels to lie on the beach with no worries. I remember...I remember it all...

The Difference

Alone feels like
Your favorite movie with no interruptions
Waking up without an agenda
Saturday afternoon to do as you please
Peace

Lonely feels like
Your the only one left on the planet
Darkness without light
No one to kiss goodnight
Empty