My friend Tracey just walked into my office in a rush wanting to know if I was okay. He dreamt that he was at my funeral. His voice cracked when he told me.
Have you ever wondered what your funeral would be like? I have. I wonder who would come? What would they say about me? What would I be wearing...mostly I think about who would come? Have I lead a life that has touched others in a positive way? Have a made a difference/impact on anyones life for the better? Are there people out there who sometimes wonder how I am?
He said there were a lot of people there to mourn me. I know it was only a dream but that makes me feel nice. When I'm gone I want to be missed.
Monday, October 31, 2005
The yellow brick road
I headed to Ricky's right after work on Friday to get my costume. I was nervous that I'd waited too long. I waited because I wanted to make sure that the night was actually going to happen. Sometimes plans with certain friends of mine, who shall remain nameless sometimes...fall through. I went to the store on 64th and 1st, it was packed. I was approached by a cute salesman who asked if he could help me. He then lead me down a narrow aisle stocked floor to ceiling with costumes in plastic bags and customers on each side. After many utterances of "Excuse me" we reached the end of the aisle and came face to face with the last Dorothy costume. As he reached for the costume he turned to me and said, "Did you want sexy Dorothy, because we're out?. "I'm good with the old fashion one, thanks".
I kind of did want sexy Dorothy but it's too short. I didn't want to hurt the baby. My legs are not sexy, my legs in the sexy Dorothy costume would only be scary Dorothy. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be cute, at the very least. I think I achieved that.
When I got home I immediately stripped and put on the costume. I looked like an oversized doll. This costume was going to need some alterations. I laid the dress on my bed and stared at it. Where could I being? What could I change to give it a boost of "cute"? I called Irene. She hadn't seen the dress but from my description she too believed it needed some alteration. We talked about somehow adding a V-neck or scoop neck or something to show I HAD a neck. The sleeves were killing me, big, poofy elastic sleeves. One shower and about forty-five minutes later my dress was sleeveless. The next afternoon I would channel more of my seamstress wisdom and create a V-neck. I completed my costume with white bobby socks, red pumps, two pig-tails with white ribbons, blue eyeshadow and red lipstick.
Irene picked me up around nine-thirty-ish. We had to head back to her house though to get Toto and Patrice. Irene was the cowardly lion with signature Irene flair. Patrice was our tin-woman, her aluminum eyelashes were a nice touch. Our new friend Marita was wicked witch of the west with New York style. Nikia our scarecrow was a no show due to undisclosed personal stuff.
After finding overpriced parking we proceeded to Opal, we were forty-five minutes late to the two hour open bar. We enter and head straight to the bar to "get our moneys worth". I think I have two drinks in twenty minutes, then I took it alittle more slowly. My logic was that if I could get 3 drinks down, I'd gotten my money's worth (Hey, I work hard and this is NYC!). None of my invitees confirmed but I was determined to have a nice night out. I mean it was my first Halloween in costume!
We danced, we laughed, we took lots of pictures. None of which I have now. At some point the jello shot girl was offering and I was purchasing. I ordered three shots, picking out the prettiest colors. I remember her saying one was Tequila, I nodded and passed the shot. Irene, Patrice and I eye balled "Cheers" and down the hatch they went. After that, we all had another drink and that is about when Irene excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She was gone awhile, so long that the rest of us upstairs started to lean in and whisper to each other, "Where's Irene?". Maybe she had been gone a while? I nominated myself to go check on her. Irene disappearing is really not something I'm unfamiliar with. I expected to find her somewhere talking to someone. I found her somewhere and she was talking to God. Well, not God exactly, more like the porcelain god. This was a first. I'd never seen her like this before. Compared to me she's a heavy-weight when it comes to drinking. She doesn't do drunk, well at least not where you can actually notice.
Over an hour later, and much vomitting we found a cab and made our way downtown. I didn't want to leave her car in the garage for fear of the tab she would rack up but we had no choice. She was feeling better and I thought we could better decide who was going where over burger, fries and coffee. At Around-the-Clock, Marita and I made a plan, Irene slept and Patrice held back nausea. I would take Irene with me, Marita would take Patrice. Tomorrow we would worry about the car.
We all shared a cab to Brooklyn with a very friendly driver. They usually aren't thrilled to leave the borough at that time of night so, having him was a God send. We pulled up in front of my apartment at about six am. Without words, the lion and I made our way upstairs and into bed without any mishaps. It felt nice to be back in Kansas.
I kind of did want sexy Dorothy but it's too short. I didn't want to hurt the baby. My legs are not sexy, my legs in the sexy Dorothy costume would only be scary Dorothy. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be cute, at the very least. I think I achieved that.
When I got home I immediately stripped and put on the costume. I looked like an oversized doll. This costume was going to need some alterations. I laid the dress on my bed and stared at it. Where could I being? What could I change to give it a boost of "cute"? I called Irene. She hadn't seen the dress but from my description she too believed it needed some alteration. We talked about somehow adding a V-neck or scoop neck or something to show I HAD a neck. The sleeves were killing me, big, poofy elastic sleeves. One shower and about forty-five minutes later my dress was sleeveless. The next afternoon I would channel more of my seamstress wisdom and create a V-neck. I completed my costume with white bobby socks, red pumps, two pig-tails with white ribbons, blue eyeshadow and red lipstick.
Irene picked me up around nine-thirty-ish. We had to head back to her house though to get Toto and Patrice. Irene was the cowardly lion with signature Irene flair. Patrice was our tin-woman, her aluminum eyelashes were a nice touch. Our new friend Marita was wicked witch of the west with New York style. Nikia our scarecrow was a no show due to undisclosed personal stuff.
After finding overpriced parking we proceeded to Opal, we were forty-five minutes late to the two hour open bar. We enter and head straight to the bar to "get our moneys worth". I think I have two drinks in twenty minutes, then I took it alittle more slowly. My logic was that if I could get 3 drinks down, I'd gotten my money's worth (Hey, I work hard and this is NYC!). None of my invitees confirmed but I was determined to have a nice night out. I mean it was my first Halloween in costume!
We danced, we laughed, we took lots of pictures. None of which I have now. At some point the jello shot girl was offering and I was purchasing. I ordered three shots, picking out the prettiest colors. I remember her saying one was Tequila, I nodded and passed the shot. Irene, Patrice and I eye balled "Cheers" and down the hatch they went. After that, we all had another drink and that is about when Irene excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She was gone awhile, so long that the rest of us upstairs started to lean in and whisper to each other, "Where's Irene?". Maybe she had been gone a while? I nominated myself to go check on her. Irene disappearing is really not something I'm unfamiliar with. I expected to find her somewhere talking to someone. I found her somewhere and she was talking to God. Well, not God exactly, more like the porcelain god. This was a first. I'd never seen her like this before. Compared to me she's a heavy-weight when it comes to drinking. She doesn't do drunk, well at least not where you can actually notice.
Over an hour later, and much vomitting we found a cab and made our way downtown. I didn't want to leave her car in the garage for fear of the tab she would rack up but we had no choice. She was feeling better and I thought we could better decide who was going where over burger, fries and coffee. At Around-the-Clock, Marita and I made a plan, Irene slept and Patrice held back nausea. I would take Irene with me, Marita would take Patrice. Tomorrow we would worry about the car.
We all shared a cab to Brooklyn with a very friendly driver. They usually aren't thrilled to leave the borough at that time of night so, having him was a God send. We pulled up in front of my apartment at about six am. Without words, the lion and I made our way upstairs and into bed without any mishaps. It felt nice to be back in Kansas.
Friday, October 28, 2005
I've got alot on my mind but I can't seem to calm down long enough to sort it all out. The holidays will be upon me in no time. I hope I'm ready. I'm starting to prepare myself now because I don't want a repeat of last year. Of course, the separation is a year old this month so everyone should be a little more settled in the situation. We as a family have dealt with a complete year of birthdays, anniversaries and even one round of holidays. This year we should really be able to learn from our mistakes and make this transition to the whole "separate but equal" holiday system much easier.
We are scheduled to have a Thanksgiving dinner with my second youngest sister, brother-in-law and kids as usual. This dinner takes place because they go upstate to visit his family for the actual day. In times past, the whole family would gather at the house and the living room would be transformed into a cafeteria to accommodate my family of eleven (plus boyfriends, friends and extended family). It's always an entertaining time. This year my mom and brother Matt won't be there. They moved to Virginia this summer. It will be weird not having them there this year. This holiday season, traveling to see family will involve more than an LIRR ticket. This time I will need a plane ticket to get to them. It is hard getting used to have my core family spread out so far. Before they were all just exits away on the LIE. Holiday travel planning is much more intensive this year.
For Christmas Mom and Matt will come up to see all of us. Everyone will have to grin and bear it as we ALL spend Christmas Eve together with my three nieces Noelle, Hannah and Naliyah (Leah). I can't wait to see Noelle and Hannah this Christmas, they are at the age where they finally "get it". Leah is still much too young to understand, she'll only be eight months old by Christmas.
As far as gift giving goes, we all buy gifts for the kids. Then for all of my immediate family we have a grab bag with a price minimum that is usually decided randomly around Halloween. "The List" as we refer to it, was posted on our family website this week. Once "The List" is posted we all post our wish list, this way the person who has us for the grab bag has some general idea of what we want. In addition, everyone usually gets a few stocking stuffers for everyone else. It's a tradition that just sort of happened over the years. We always open all presents on Christmas Eve while we eat and karaoke and try not to fight to much.
Christmas Day has never been a really big day in my family. This year it's Sunday so I think the plan is for everyone to go to church together. That should be nice.
Some people find it bizarre when they hear that I'm from a family of six children. I can't imagine my life another way. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by all of these people who share your blood. Now I have nieces and I love seeing them grow up and be apart of this crazy family of mine. They have all this love surrounding them. Three little girls with six aunts and two uncles (if I include aunts and uncles by marriage) in their immediate family. That is amazing.
I didn't have a perfect childhood but it's over and most days when I think back I have a lot of fond memories. I know you can only shelter children from so much in this world but I wish I could let my nieces have only happy days. When my they think back on their lives, I want the only memories that they feel or remember is to be how much that they are loved.
We are scheduled to have a Thanksgiving dinner with my second youngest sister, brother-in-law and kids as usual. This dinner takes place because they go upstate to visit his family for the actual day. In times past, the whole family would gather at the house and the living room would be transformed into a cafeteria to accommodate my family of eleven (plus boyfriends, friends and extended family). It's always an entertaining time. This year my mom and brother Matt won't be there. They moved to Virginia this summer. It will be weird not having them there this year. This holiday season, traveling to see family will involve more than an LIRR ticket. This time I will need a plane ticket to get to them. It is hard getting used to have my core family spread out so far. Before they were all just exits away on the LIE. Holiday travel planning is much more intensive this year.
For Christmas Mom and Matt will come up to see all of us. Everyone will have to grin and bear it as we ALL spend Christmas Eve together with my three nieces Noelle, Hannah and Naliyah (Leah). I can't wait to see Noelle and Hannah this Christmas, they are at the age where they finally "get it". Leah is still much too young to understand, she'll only be eight months old by Christmas.
As far as gift giving goes, we all buy gifts for the kids. Then for all of my immediate family we have a grab bag with a price minimum that is usually decided randomly around Halloween. "The List" as we refer to it, was posted on our family website this week. Once "The List" is posted we all post our wish list, this way the person who has us for the grab bag has some general idea of what we want. In addition, everyone usually gets a few stocking stuffers for everyone else. It's a tradition that just sort of happened over the years. We always open all presents on Christmas Eve while we eat and karaoke and try not to fight to much.
Christmas Day has never been a really big day in my family. This year it's Sunday so I think the plan is for everyone to go to church together. That should be nice.
Some people find it bizarre when they hear that I'm from a family of six children. I can't imagine my life another way. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by all of these people who share your blood. Now I have nieces and I love seeing them grow up and be apart of this crazy family of mine. They have all this love surrounding them. Three little girls with six aunts and two uncles (if I include aunts and uncles by marriage) in their immediate family. That is amazing.
I didn't have a perfect childhood but it's over and most days when I think back I have a lot of fond memories. I know you can only shelter children from so much in this world but I wish I could let my nieces have only happy days. When my they think back on their lives, I want the only memories that they feel or remember is to be how much that they are loved.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Plans
I wore a coat to work today. It really saddens me, I think I have SAD. I don't have feelings of suicide or anything but fall and winter put me in a funk. It's a slippery slope of depression, overeating, skipping exercise and the inevitable weight gain that follows. I don't want to go down that road this year. I'm fighting back. My eating is in control at the moment but every minute is a battle. Every fat cell in my body is craving to be given fuel so that they can multiple. I'm drinking green tea by the gallons in an attempt to fight the cravings and perhaps kick start my metabolism that seems to be out of commission as of late.
In other news,
The holiday season is upon us. It's time to buy holiday cards and make gift lists. Create dinner menus for all the "eves" and "days" to come. It's also time to "fall clean"...or should I have done that already?. I haven't switched my closet over yet. I just kind of keep hoping that if I don't unpack my sweaters, maybe I won't need them. That hypothesis is not proving true, with each passing day the mercury drops a little more.
Then there is the whole deep clean factor. I haven't deep cleaned since August. I know this as a fact because I had people over the weekend I did it. This morning I got nauseous leaving my apartment in the state that it's in. It needs a good once over. That is what I plan to do tonight. I plan to scrub, reorganize, put away my laundry from Sunday and mop. Which reminds me, I have to get some gloves from the unit today.
I will feel alot better once I have a nice clean house. Another thing that I need is to get some new "stuff" in there. Not sure quite sure what I want yet but, I'm tired of looking at the same ole, same ole. New stuff always makes you me feel better. I definetly need a new dresser, a rug might brighten things up some also. I'm feeling a little bit better now, like I have a plan. Smile.
In other news,
The holiday season is upon us. It's time to buy holiday cards and make gift lists. Create dinner menus for all the "eves" and "days" to come. It's also time to "fall clean"...or should I have done that already?. I haven't switched my closet over yet. I just kind of keep hoping that if I don't unpack my sweaters, maybe I won't need them. That hypothesis is not proving true, with each passing day the mercury drops a little more.
Then there is the whole deep clean factor. I haven't deep cleaned since August. I know this as a fact because I had people over the weekend I did it. This morning I got nauseous leaving my apartment in the state that it's in. It needs a good once over. That is what I plan to do tonight. I plan to scrub, reorganize, put away my laundry from Sunday and mop. Which reminds me, I have to get some gloves from the unit today.
I will feel alot better once I have a nice clean house. Another thing that I need is to get some new "stuff" in there. Not sure quite sure what I want yet but, I'm tired of looking at the same ole, same ole. New stuff always makes you me feel better. I definetly need a new dresser, a rug might brighten things up some also. I'm feeling a little bit better now, like I have a plan. Smile.
Friday, October 21, 2005
ex-boyfriend
We met online new years eve. It was the year 2002 became 2003. You left me a note that I almost deleted because of your crazy screen name. I didn't even care about the divorce or kid because you seemed genuine. For a short while you made me feel like I mattered.
The day we met I was so nervous. You weren't the first guy I'd dated that I met online but you'd be the last. We met at Starbucks and talked and talked. When they closed you asked if I'd like to go somewhere else, so we did. I had a good feeling and I didn't want to lose it yet. We went to Barnes and Noble and with an armful of books sat on the floor and you read poetry to me. You had my heart. You made me smile. It was fun. I didn't eat for 2 days after we met. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. Months passed and I met your mom and sisters. I never met your daughter...even to this day. I suppose I'm not worthy of that. As I wasn't worthy of your love.
I used the "L" word with you. Your the second man I used it with. You never knew how precious the word is to me. Never. You couldn't "get it"...that I could fall. That's because it was a place you couldn't go.
Then things changed.
Your time, your life, your ex-wife became more important than anything else. She ruled your every move, I can't compete with the type of disease that mascarades as love. I'm worth so much more. I've come too far to be second best.
I remember how I felt then, I wanted you so much. You told me lies
L: I know there is a risk involved in everything....I wanted to believe you.
I risked it all when I shared a smile with you,
I am opening myself up to you.
L: I tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things I can't understand,
Turning away from those who say they care so much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.
L: You reminded me that there is never an easy way to love.
I can't approach it cautiously.
It will not wait for me to arm myself.
It does not care if I turn away.
L: It is everywhere, it is in everything.
Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
It strikes the strongest of mind.
And brings them to their knees in one blow.
L: Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
it hurts to be the other part
of someone else,
But I want to belong with you to be a part of you
but, for the moment I am still scared,
L: to me that sums up my risks
L: what about you
brooklyntcb: did you write that?
L: partially
L: the first part
L: well first half
L: and the last paragraph
L: y
brooklyntcb: is it for me or something that you like?
L: it's for you
Then you disappeared, just vanished from my life as if you'd never been there. Your phone still rang but for me there was never an answer. I almost started to believe that it had been a dream. At the time I didn't understand why? I wondered what was wrong with me?
While you were gone I met someone. He was beautiful and felt the same way about me. We had a few nights out, we shared a kiss later, long after you and I parted, we shared more...
You finally reappeared and you accused me of cheating. I can't cheat when I never had you...you never claimed me as yours. Remember?
We ended almost as we had begun, suddenly. I couldn't take your arrogance and selfishness anymore. You had no room in your life for me. Once again, as in the beginning, I felt that this was "meant to be".
Trick or Treat.
Halloween is coming and I've been invited to two parties. The party next Friday is at Mars2112, the party on Saturday is at Opal. This is going to the first time since I was very young that I've dressed up for Halloween. Growing up we didn't celebrate Halloween. We didn't celebrate for all the All Saints Eve reasons, "it's the devils holiday" and blah, blah, blah. I never really cared much about the dressing up part really, it seemed so messy. All the makeup and raggedy clothes did nothing for me. I don't like being messy. As a little girl I didn't like making mud pies because it got my hands dirty. I'm no sissy though, I just like being clean.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
fat people got no reason to live...
I'm having a bad day. I already said that. I decided at lunch time I would run down the street to Ann Taylor Loft for a pick-me-up. Okay, not so much a pick-me-up as a pair of pants to wear to work tomorrow seeing as I have two bags of laundry at home that I need to do.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.
I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.
I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.
My head hurts. I feel nauseous and cranky and I really don't want to be here today. Not only do I have to be here today, I have to be here until about 9:00pm today. Starting this week until many many months from now I will be doing much over time. Although 2006 seems light years away to some, financially it's just around the corner for me. Around the corner waits a bachelorette, a bridal shower, a wedding, a friend's 30th birthday in L.A. and a volunteer backpacking trip to mentor teenage girls. This list does not include, birthdays, trips to see my mom in VA or Christmas.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Friends
Today is going to be an exciting day. My good friend Jodi is getting married and we're going to look at dresses at 4:15pm. There is going to be a Trunk Show with Jenny Lee designs and Jenny Lee with be there. I had no idea who Jenny Lee was until last week but I think it's exciting to meet the person who thought it all up.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
One man's trash is another man's treasure
Last night the MIML took me to see my dear friend Irene in Queens. I know he was tired, but he took me anyway. I was picking up a hand-me-down electronic, a television. It was given to her by her son's paternal grandparents (grandparents are always giving someone something).
One man's trash is another man's treasure they say, in my case, one man's trash is another man's trash. The MIML lugged the oversized television down two flights of stairs and then drove me to Brooklyn. He then carried said television UP three flights of stairs to my apartment. He helped me set up all the necessary wires, plugged in all the plugs and then we switched it on. I anticipated a clear, crisp 30-something inch picture on my newish television. What we saw was primetime through a rose colored screen. The fact that everything was shades of pink didn't alarm us at all, we just attempted to adjust controls. We adjusted, then adjusted some more...nothing. It was pushing 10pm by this time and I was getting frustrated and tired. I thanked MIML for all his help and he was out the door with a hug, kiss and my old television in his arms. I got in bed and attempted to adjust the color, tint, sharpness...nothing. After about thirty minutes I called MIML.
"It's not working, I want my t.v. back"
"so go down now, it should still be there"
"aughhhhh....I don't wannnnnaaaaa"
"come on Maria, don't be lazy"
"DON'T CALL ME LAZY, I'M TIRED!"
"calm down, I'm joking"
"bye"
Moments later I was downstairs attempting to carry my very old, very heavy but very working television up three flights. I unattached all wires and plugs from the rose colored television and set it by the door, where trash belongs. I then put Old Faithful in her rightful position atop my IKEA stand re-attached all necessary wires and viola! CSI:Miami the way it should be.
I then called the MIML.
"I got it"
"Good, Is everything okay now?"
"Yeah, I hurt my thumb though. It was heavy"
"Sorry"
"We'll have a good night"
"You too love, I may drive tomorrow"
"Okay, so pick me up"
"Okay, Good night"
"Night"
It was a long night. As I was falling asleep I felt really greatful for the MIML. He's always there to shuttle me around and make sure I'm okay. Even when I just want things and don't really know what I'm getting in to. Even when I just want him to just BE there. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who will be there for us just because? Someone who is on our team routing for us regardless of the cause
One man's trash is another man's treasure they say, in my case, one man's trash is another man's trash. The MIML lugged the oversized television down two flights of stairs and then drove me to Brooklyn. He then carried said television UP three flights of stairs to my apartment. He helped me set up all the necessary wires, plugged in all the plugs and then we switched it on. I anticipated a clear, crisp 30-something inch picture on my newish television. What we saw was primetime through a rose colored screen. The fact that everything was shades of pink didn't alarm us at all, we just attempted to adjust controls. We adjusted, then adjusted some more...nothing. It was pushing 10pm by this time and I was getting frustrated and tired. I thanked MIML for all his help and he was out the door with a hug, kiss and my old television in his arms. I got in bed and attempted to adjust the color, tint, sharpness...nothing. After about thirty minutes I called MIML.
"It's not working, I want my t.v. back"
"so go down now, it should still be there"
"aughhhhh....I don't wannnnnaaaaa"
"come on Maria, don't be lazy"
"DON'T CALL ME LAZY, I'M TIRED!"
"calm down, I'm joking"
"bye"
Moments later I was downstairs attempting to carry my very old, very heavy but very working television up three flights. I unattached all wires and plugs from the rose colored television and set it by the door, where trash belongs. I then put Old Faithful in her rightful position atop my IKEA stand re-attached all necessary wires and viola! CSI:Miami the way it should be.
I then called the MIML.
"I got it"
"Good, Is everything okay now?"
"Yeah, I hurt my thumb though. It was heavy"
"Sorry"
"We'll have a good night"
"You too love, I may drive tomorrow"
"Okay, so pick me up"
"Okay, Good night"
"Night"
It was a long night. As I was falling asleep I felt really greatful for the MIML. He's always there to shuttle me around and make sure I'm okay. Even when I just want things and don't really know what I'm getting in to. Even when I just want him to just BE there. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who will be there for us just because? Someone who is on our team routing for us regardless of the cause
Friday, October 14, 2005
decisions
I woke up today with a feeling of dread. I woke up feeling as if I shouldn't be happy for some reason. My mind groggy from sleep, I forced my eyes open and tried to remember why. Ah, yes I received a late night call from a family member in distress. They are trying to decide on a huge life decision and they became overwhelmed last night and called me. Not for advice I'm sure, just to hear a familiar voice on the other end, listening. I did the right thing, I listened. I listened through the tears as her hurt poured out in words through the telephone line. I didn't offer much advice other than, "You have to make a decision that you can live everyday of your life with". It sounds a lot easier to say than to do. I know this first hand.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
It's raining it's pouring...
I wish that my job would come up with some more call in days. I can call in sick, request vacation and personal days, I can even take an emergency vacation day. What about a emergency rain day? It's been raining since last week I believe, and it's going to rain for the rest of the week. I hate coming in soaking wet to a building that is still using air conditioning or fans or something that isn't HEAT. It amuses me that you are expected to sit in the wetness and be productive. Well, to combat that wonderful feeling today, I came in prepared. I wore my sweats and sneakers and changed into my nice dry pants and shoes when I arrived at work. It was an improvement to not sit in wet clothes all day long. By the time your clothes dry it's time for you to brave the elements once again.
Today I really wish I could go home and have warm cookies of some sort and a big cup of tea. Then open up my latest Netflix arrivals cozy up in the covers and make a night of it. No cookies for me though. Not this week at least. Next week my eating regiment relaxes a bit and I can add a cookie or two but this week fruit is supposed to get me over the sugar fix. Yeah. Can't wait.
Yesterday I bought two new teas though, so that is kind of exciting. I think. I'm a big tea person. I think I have about 10 kinds at home right now. They're nice to have as the weather cools off.
Before I bought the tea yesterday I stopped at the drugstore. The whole point in going there was to pick up my prescription. I also needed a shower cap. The plastic bag from Pathmark didn't really work to well the other day. So I go in and I become overwhelmed with all the shiny makeup and all the different types of conditioners and the trash magazines. As I'm wandering the aisles I remember that I need cosmetic pads and nail polish remover. Forty-five minutes later I make my way to the register with cosmetic pads, nail polish remover and two shower caps (one for home and one for my over night bag). As the train pulls into my station in Brooklyn I remember what I forgot. My prescription. The one reason why I WENT to the store in the first place. Today I have four post-it's around my desk that say "pharmacy". This should be a no brainer today right?
This post has absolutely no point. I'm rambling.
I want to leave, go home. Go ANYWHERE as long as it's away from here.
I want my boss to go home early and pretend to celebrate Yom Kippur or at least tell me to go home. Someone deserves to be home sipping tea catching up on their Netflix.
Today I really wish I could go home and have warm cookies of some sort and a big cup of tea. Then open up my latest Netflix arrivals cozy up in the covers and make a night of it. No cookies for me though. Not this week at least. Next week my eating regiment relaxes a bit and I can add a cookie or two but this week fruit is supposed to get me over the sugar fix. Yeah. Can't wait.
Yesterday I bought two new teas though, so that is kind of exciting. I think. I'm a big tea person. I think I have about 10 kinds at home right now. They're nice to have as the weather cools off.
Before I bought the tea yesterday I stopped at the drugstore. The whole point in going there was to pick up my prescription. I also needed a shower cap. The plastic bag from Pathmark didn't really work to well the other day. So I go in and I become overwhelmed with all the shiny makeup and all the different types of conditioners and the trash magazines. As I'm wandering the aisles I remember that I need cosmetic pads and nail polish remover. Forty-five minutes later I make my way to the register with cosmetic pads, nail polish remover and two shower caps (one for home and one for my over night bag). As the train pulls into my station in Brooklyn I remember what I forgot. My prescription. The one reason why I WENT to the store in the first place. Today I have four post-it's around my desk that say "pharmacy". This should be a no brainer today right?
This post has absolutely no point. I'm rambling.
I want to leave, go home. Go ANYWHERE as long as it's away from here.
I want my boss to go home early and pretend to celebrate Yom Kippur or at least tell me to go home. Someone deserves to be home sipping tea catching up on their Netflix.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Progress Note #2
How is it that a simple hair cut makes you feel 150% better about everything? I love walking out of a Margaret session-I feel like the girl in the Pantene commercial. Bounce bounce shake shake, slow head turn, smile. It's amazing.
I wish it were that easy to solve other problems in life. Snip Snip Done. I've been at the weight thing aggressively for seven days. I'm down 5.9 lbs. It's been painful. I received two compliments this morning asking me if I'd lost weight. That makes it all worth it. I truly does.
I started this adventure as I was pms-ing so you know it's been a crazy week for me. I'm so happy that I stuck it out though, week 1 down-week 2 to go.
I have a function next weekend and I want to go feeling like a new and inspired women. My goal right now is to feel good in my jeans at this event. I have to keep my goals short term at this point so that I don't lose focus. The next goal after the function will be Thanksgiving, gaining that weekend is a given so I'd like to be down by a few pounds and have a cushion. Each day that passes it gets easier to say yes to being healthy. I'm not really craving sugar as much these days but I still remember what cake tastes like. When I find my mind wandering I just redirect my thoughts to the person that I want to see in the mirror. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was my butt. Slow and steady wins the race.
I wish it were that easy to solve other problems in life. Snip Snip Done. I've been at the weight thing aggressively for seven days. I'm down 5.9 lbs. It's been painful. I received two compliments this morning asking me if I'd lost weight. That makes it all worth it. I truly does.
I started this adventure as I was pms-ing so you know it's been a crazy week for me. I'm so happy that I stuck it out though, week 1 down-week 2 to go.
I have a function next weekend and I want to go feeling like a new and inspired women. My goal right now is to feel good in my jeans at this event. I have to keep my goals short term at this point so that I don't lose focus. The next goal after the function will be Thanksgiving, gaining that weekend is a given so I'd like to be down by a few pounds and have a cushion. Each day that passes it gets easier to say yes to being healthy. I'm not really craving sugar as much these days but I still remember what cake tastes like. When I find my mind wandering I just redirect my thoughts to the person that I want to see in the mirror. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was my butt. Slow and steady wins the race.
Monday, October 10, 2005
No one knew your pain until today
We watched through closed eyes, the signs
We assumed you wanted to live your life in a verbal and emotional cage
Aren't people in pain supposed to cry out?
Yell
Kick
Scream
Pray to God to save you?
Is THAT what you were doing all those prayer meeting nights when you prayed your never ending prayers?
Your safe now for a while from him
The gig is up
he'll eat his own words
"All things done in the dark, must come to light"
Sunday, October 9, 2005
family
Since the start of the year, my family has been falling. Thankfully the falling has not caused us to fall apart from one another completely. Although, there were moments when I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I'm still not sure, because there are still family members holding resentments in their broken hearts. I was one of them for a time this year. Then I decided that the anger was only killing me, no one else had any idea of the pain I was carrying around in their name. I've decided that in families you can't choose sides. We are all on the same team, however fortunate or unfortunate that is. Not even divorce can divide the team when there are children and grandchildren involved as in my family. I wish other members would start to look at it that way. That we have to be on each others side, really be on each others side. Not just say that you are and then your actions scream otherwise.
I don't know what the future holds but I want to see my family whole again. I have no idea what that will take. Perhaps it will take time and divine intervention. I believe in God, I believe it's possible. I've seen miraculous things happen in my short life and I truly believe that it is possible.
I don't know what the future holds but I want to see my family whole again. I have no idea what that will take. Perhaps it will take time and divine intervention. I believe in God, I believe it's possible. I've seen miraculous things happen in my short life and I truly believe that it is possible.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
Progress Note #1
I've got two things on my mind. First of all, I've been avoiding the scale like the plague for a few months now. I decided to do this because my weight is a constant thorn in my side and I was tired of obsessing over every pound and everything that I was eating. I wanted to eat and not feel guilt, drink without wondering of the carb count. I wanted to be free. Living free got me 15 lbs fatter. I am officially on lock-down.
I know I've talked this talk before but this time, I'm walking the walk. Official today I am dieting and exercising consistently. From my mouth to God's ears. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse. I will keep my progress posted, to keep me accountable. Next progress note will be next Tuesday.
I said I had two things on my mind. This is the second one, on a totally unrelated subject. What is it about another person's success that causes people to lose their minds? Is it that another person's success in life causes you to take a cold hard look at your own, shining a light on your short comings?
I've been thinking, "Have I ever been jealous of a friend?". I have, I can't remember a time I was jealous of material things, but, I remember I've been jealous of other things. I've been jealous of the fact that a person knows what they want to be "when they grow up". I've only just narrowed it down and I'm pushing 30. I've always wished I could have been born knowing like some people. I thought I had been born knowing for a long time but, it was a false alarm. I rest assured in the fact that one day I will know. I mean, that's how it goes...Right??
I've been jealous of friends that have a family, a two car garage and a dog. I don't wish that they didn't have what they have, I just wish I could have it too, one day. I'm not ready for it today. I'm not ready for the responsiblity that comes with the husband/kids package. I want more time to take care of me. It must be nice to know that they're there though. When I'm ready I hope there's still a package left for me. I don't think it's fair to take it sooner than your ready because everyone loses out and then it's not happy and it's not healthy and that's not my plan.
I've been jealous of friends who are thinner than me. I've been more than jealous of those bi-otches actually. Those friends that "run 5 miles a day" and eat cottage cheese for breakfast. Okay, I'm not really jealous of the cottage cheese part. I'm kind of jealous of the "run 5 miles a day" part though, seriously. I mean that is will power and determination at it's best. What is it about my fat a$$ that I can't get out there an do something every day I'm just as good as them. That's why I've decided I have to do something- I can live like this no mas. I want someone to be jealous of me (is that sick?). I can be consistent and persistent and get this weight off, I can. Then when I slide into my sevens without having to jump up and down and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle and put on my cute Vickies top and head out on the town You can envy Me.
I know I've talked this talk before but this time, I'm walking the walk. Official today I am dieting and exercising consistently. From my mouth to God's ears. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse. I will keep my progress posted, to keep me accountable. Next progress note will be next Tuesday.
I said I had two things on my mind. This is the second one, on a totally unrelated subject. What is it about another person's success that causes people to lose their minds? Is it that another person's success in life causes you to take a cold hard look at your own, shining a light on your short comings?
I've been thinking, "Have I ever been jealous of a friend?". I have, I can't remember a time I was jealous of material things, but, I remember I've been jealous of other things. I've been jealous of the fact that a person knows what they want to be "when they grow up". I've only just narrowed it down and I'm pushing 30. I've always wished I could have been born knowing like some people. I thought I had been born knowing for a long time but, it was a false alarm. I rest assured in the fact that one day I will know. I mean, that's how it goes...Right??
I've been jealous of friends that have a family, a two car garage and a dog. I don't wish that they didn't have what they have, I just wish I could have it too, one day. I'm not ready for it today. I'm not ready for the responsiblity that comes with the husband/kids package. I want more time to take care of me. It must be nice to know that they're there though. When I'm ready I hope there's still a package left for me. I don't think it's fair to take it sooner than your ready because everyone loses out and then it's not happy and it's not healthy and that's not my plan.
I've been jealous of friends who are thinner than me. I've been more than jealous of those bi-otches actually. Those friends that "run 5 miles a day" and eat cottage cheese for breakfast. Okay, I'm not really jealous of the cottage cheese part. I'm kind of jealous of the "run 5 miles a day" part though, seriously. I mean that is will power and determination at it's best. What is it about my fat a$$ that I can't get out there an do something every day I'm just as good as them. That's why I've decided I have to do something- I can live like this no mas. I want someone to be jealous of me (is that sick?). I can be consistent and persistent and get this weight off, I can. Then when I slide into my sevens without having to jump up and down and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle and put on my cute Vickies top and head out on the town You can envy Me.
Things I need: to be appreciated, chocolate, water, lotion, to know my family is okay, to love, to be loved, hugs, a warm soft bed, pillows, to feel the sun, mangos, my dad's strawberry shortcake, airplane flights to new places, biscuits with butter and honey, my cellphone, Brooklyn, close friends (the ones who REALLY know me), to be able to sleep at the beach a few days a year, good soap, to help others, to let go sometimes, to laugh, to know it's okay to cry, shoes, tea...To be continued.
Monday, October 3, 2005
It's Monday. Please don't let it be a week from hell. It's starting out like that already. I forgot my work keys and ID today. I had to sit and wait for my boss to get in and let me into the office. No early morning quiet time for me to sit and eat breakfast, drink water and catch up on my favorite blogs. There is going to me lots of overtime this week because Friday is my project deadline. It will definetly be a long week. I just don't want it to be hellish. I think that there is a difference.
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed. I was supposed to clean the apartment and take a much needed trip to do laundry. I have one towel left and nothing to wear to work. I couldn't get up. I had a raging headache, the kind that makes you nauseous. I felt to dizzy when I stood up to go downstairs to the corner store. At 5:34pm Jason called to see what I was up to. After I spoke to him I felt ashamed of feeling so sick and forced myself to take a shower, go downstairs and buy a bottle of overpriced Motrin and a bag of cat food. The cat had not eaten all day and really hadn't eaten enough the day before either because all she had was the remnants of dry food that were left in the box. I found some luncheon meat in the refrigerator and gave that to her at one point. I felt bad, neglectful, she depends on me and it wasn't right. She was a big reason why I forced myself downstairs.
When I got downstairs I grabbed a bag of food for indoor cats (it's supposed to keep them from having so many hair balls-in my opinion it doesn't help). Then I went to the counter and pointed to the bottle of pain reliever on the wall that I wanted but the cashier couldn't seem to understand that I wanted the Adult Motrin not the Children's Motrin. Even though I kept saying, "No, the OTHER orange one". Angel came from somewhere in the store and saved the day. Thank you Angel.
Once upstairs, I fed the cat. She took 3 bites and went to lay down. So much for the starving cat theory.
I myself stripped, chased a fitful of pills with a few swigs of water and curled up on the bed in the fetal position. The t.v. watched me as I dosed in and out of consciousness. If I felt pain upon awakening I would force myself back down into sleep. That is the only time I got up yesterday, aside from using the bathroom.
Around 8:00pm I stopped feeling guilty because everyone was getting ready to pack it in right? So I watched a few Sunday prime time shows and fell asleep at some point because I woke up this morning around 6:00am.
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed. I was supposed to clean the apartment and take a much needed trip to do laundry. I have one towel left and nothing to wear to work. I couldn't get up. I had a raging headache, the kind that makes you nauseous. I felt to dizzy when I stood up to go downstairs to the corner store. At 5:34pm Jason called to see what I was up to. After I spoke to him I felt ashamed of feeling so sick and forced myself to take a shower, go downstairs and buy a bottle of overpriced Motrin and a bag of cat food. The cat had not eaten all day and really hadn't eaten enough the day before either because all she had was the remnants of dry food that were left in the box. I found some luncheon meat in the refrigerator and gave that to her at one point. I felt bad, neglectful, she depends on me and it wasn't right. She was a big reason why I forced myself downstairs.
When I got downstairs I grabbed a bag of food for indoor cats (it's supposed to keep them from having so many hair balls-in my opinion it doesn't help). Then I went to the counter and pointed to the bottle of pain reliever on the wall that I wanted but the cashier couldn't seem to understand that I wanted the Adult Motrin not the Children's Motrin. Even though I kept saying, "No, the OTHER orange one". Angel came from somewhere in the store and saved the day. Thank you Angel.
Once upstairs, I fed the cat. She took 3 bites and went to lay down. So much for the starving cat theory.
I myself stripped, chased a fitful of pills with a few swigs of water and curled up on the bed in the fetal position. The t.v. watched me as I dosed in and out of consciousness. If I felt pain upon awakening I would force myself back down into sleep. That is the only time I got up yesterday, aside from using the bathroom.
Around 8:00pm I stopped feeling guilty because everyone was getting ready to pack it in right? So I watched a few Sunday prime time shows and fell asleep at some point because I woke up this morning around 6:00am.
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