fat people got no reason to live...

I'm having a bad day. I already said that. I decided at lunch time I would run down the street to Ann Taylor Loft for a pick-me-up. Okay, not so much a pick-me-up as a pair of pants to wear to work tomorrow seeing as I have two bags of laundry at home that I need to do.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.

I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.

My head hurts. I feel nauseous and cranky and I really don't want to be here today. Not only do I have to be here today, I have to be here until about 9:00pm today. Starting this week until many many months from now I will be doing much over time. Although 2006 seems light years away to some, financially it's just around the corner for me. Around the corner waits a bachelorette, a bridal shower, a wedding, a friend's 30th birthday in L.A. and a volunteer backpacking trip to mentor teenage girls. This list does not include, birthdays, trips to see my mom in VA or Christmas.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.