ex-boyfriend

We met online new years eve. It was the year 2002 became 2003. You left me a note that I almost deleted because of your crazy screen name. I didn't even care about the divorce or kid because you seemed genuine. For a short while you made me feel like I mattered.
The day we met I was so nervous. You weren't the first guy I'd dated that I met online but you'd be the last. We met at Starbucks and talked and talked. When they closed you asked if I'd like to go somewhere else, so we did. I had a good feeling and I didn't want to lose it yet. We went to Barnes and Noble and with an armful of books sat on the floor and you read poetry to me. You had my heart. You made me smile. It was fun. I didn't eat for 2 days after we met. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. Months passed and I met your mom and sisters. I never met your daughter...even to this day. I suppose I'm not worthy of that. As I wasn't worthy of your love.
I used the "L" word with you. Your the second man I used it with. You never knew how precious the word is to me. Never. You couldn't "get it"...that I could fall. That's because it was a place you couldn't go.
Then things changed.
Your time, your life, your ex-wife became more important than anything else. She ruled your every move, I can't compete with the type of disease that mascarades as love. I'm worth so much more. I've come too far to be second best.
I remember how I felt then, I wanted you so much. You told me lies

L: I know there is a risk involved in everything.
I risked it all when I shared a smile with you,
I am opening myself up to you.

L: I tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things I can't understand,
Turning away from those who say they care so much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

L: You reminded me that there is never an easy way to love.
I can't approach it cautiously.
It will not wait for me to arm myself.
It does not care if I turn away.

L: It is everywhere, it is in everything.
Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
It strikes the strongest of mind.
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

L: Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
it hurts to be the other part
of someone else,
But I want to belong with you to be a part of you
but, for the moment I am still scared,

L: to me that sums up my risks
L: what about you
brooklyntcb: did you write that?
L: partially
L: the first part
L: well first half
L: and the last paragraph
L: y
brooklyntcb: is it for me or something that you like?
L: it's for you

...I wanted to believe you.
Then you disappeared, just vanished from my life as if you'd never been there. Your phone still rang but for me there was never an answer. I almost started to believe that it had been a dream. At the time I didn't understand why? I wondered what was wrong with me?
While you were gone I met someone. He was beautiful and felt the same way about me. We had a few nights out, we shared a kiss later, long after you and I parted, we shared more...
You finally reappeared and you accused me of cheating. I can't cheat when I never had you...you never claimed me as yours. Remember?
We ended almost as we had begun, suddenly. I couldn't take your arrogance and selfishness anymore. You had no room in your life for me. Once again, as in the beginning, I felt that this was "meant to be".

Trick or Treat.

Halloween is coming and I've been invited to two parties. The party next Friday is at Mars2112, the party on Saturday is at Opal. This is going to the first time since I was very young that I've dressed up for Halloween. Growing up we didn't celebrate Halloween. We didn't celebrate for all the All Saints Eve reasons, "it's the devils holiday" and blah, blah, blah. I never really cared much about the dressing up part really, it seemed so messy. All the makeup and raggedy clothes did nothing for me. I don't like being messy. As a little girl I didn't like making mud pies because it got my hands dirty. I'm no sissy though, I just like being clean.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.