I'm shaking. I'm physically shaking. Why is my life so dramatic? I have received three telephone calls within 48 hours for job interviews. Nothing for two months and all of a sudden the gates of heaven have just opened up. I'm so excited and scared. I have two really interesting possible opportunities on the table. I'll hear back about one Tuesday and other tonight. I'm going to really stepping out and taking a risk with both.
It's so wonderful that things are really looking up. It seems as if the people in my life are finding their purpose. They are fulfilling their hopes and dreams not only in career but also in their family life. 2006 overall has been a really good year.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Lovin' me ain't nothing healthy
The past couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I have had such emotion highs and lows that I've scared even myself. I pity those that love me and have to deal with this. Friday I think I must have called the same friends in tears after work only to call back late Friday night on a complete high after my telephone job interview with Zariya-the matchmaker. I haven't been taking my happy pills and it's taking its effect. I am back on schedule now, hopefully I'll be normal soon.
For months I have been searching for gainful employment only to come up empty handed. This has really taken a toll on me. Slowly but surely the calls are now begining to come in and some of the pressure is lifting. I would really like to being this new adventure as early as October. I can't wait to have a fresh start. I am taking this service slow because I really want to find something that I enjoy. I don't want to just jump because I'm tired and bored. Is with most things in life, it's hard to take it slow.
The strain of saving money and thinking about looking for the house(condo,townhouse,whatever) is giving me heart palpatations too. I know that I am doing that right thing and that I can handle it but, it's such a grown up move and that scares me a bit.
For months I have been searching for gainful employment only to come up empty handed. This has really taken a toll on me. Slowly but surely the calls are now begining to come in and some of the pressure is lifting. I would really like to being this new adventure as early as October. I can't wait to have a fresh start. I am taking this service slow because I really want to find something that I enjoy. I don't want to just jump because I'm tired and bored. Is with most things in life, it's hard to take it slow.
The strain of saving money and thinking about looking for the house(condo,townhouse,whatever) is giving me heart palpatations too. I know that I am doing that right thing and that I can handle it but, it's such a grown up move and that scares me a bit.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Dear Man on the subway,
I was really feeling pretty sluggish this morning as I entered the A train. All I really wanted to do was turn around and go home and get under my covers and snuggle up and go to sleep or watch cartoons and fade away into sleep but, I digress. When I stepped onto the train your body odor nearly sent last nights dinner back into the known universe. Dear Sir it's summer, not only that but, it's summer in New York City. Heat magnifies odor. You had odor. You were very magnified today as you stood on the train with your hands on your hips as if WE were the ones with the problem. We were only trying to breathe, and it was very difficult. Very difficult indeed.
Here's to never seeing you again,
The girl had to stand next to you on the crowded train.
Here's to never seeing you again,
The girl had to stand next to you on the crowded train.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Home Sweet Home
I'm so excited! I'm officially in the market. For a house that is. "We" are officially in the market. Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse a bit seeing as we don't meet with the mortage banker until tomorrow evening. It is then that we will officially know how much (little) we can afford. It will be such a wonderful feeling to own the place that I live in and I'm just through the roof! It's even more scary that we're doing it together.
I've already started looking a bit and running my findings past the Man and it's so interesting to hear his input, to see what he's looking for in a place. Today he asked me if the townhouse that I was looking at had a garage...it's not something that I would have ever thought of-as I am sans license (but in hot pursuit). He examines the floor plans looking for the perfect layout explaining how he doesn't like kitchens that open into living rooms.
My main concern is a closet space, I've been living in a studio with one closet for six years. I'm tired of looking for creative ways to store my belongings. I'm tired of under bed storage and plastic containers holding last seasons pieces. I'm no Rachel Ray but I can't wait to have a KITCHEN with CABINETS that are big enough to hold more than condiments. I can't wait to use my refrigerator to store actual food inside of tupperware and pots and pans and any other odd kitchen item that I can no longer stand to see out in the open.
I know that there is such a long road to hoe yet but I'm still so EXCITED!!
I've already started looking a bit and running my findings past the Man and it's so interesting to hear his input, to see what he's looking for in a place. Today he asked me if the townhouse that I was looking at had a garage...it's not something that I would have ever thought of-as I am sans license (but in hot pursuit). He examines the floor plans looking for the perfect layout explaining how he doesn't like kitchens that open into living rooms.
My main concern is a closet space, I've been living in a studio with one closet for six years. I'm tired of looking for creative ways to store my belongings. I'm tired of under bed storage and plastic containers holding last seasons pieces. I'm no Rachel Ray but I can't wait to have a KITCHEN with CABINETS that are big enough to hold more than condiments. I can't wait to use my refrigerator to store actual food inside of tupperware and pots and pans and any other odd kitchen item that I can no longer stand to see out in the open.
I know that there is such a long road to hoe yet but I'm still so EXCITED!!
Friday, August 4, 2006
Senior Year
Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.
1. Who was your best friend?
Best Gal Pal
2.What sports did you play?
Soccer and Cheerleading. Yes, Cheerleading is a sport, I had the bruises to show it.
3. What kind of car did you drive?
I bummed rides, some things never change.
4. Friday night where were you at?
Best Gal Pals house watching the Knicks and eating whatever wasn't tied down.
5. Were you a party animal?
Not exactly.
6. Were you considered a flirt?
I doubt it.
7. Ever skip school?
Yes, Best Gal Pal introduced me to the Art of Skipping.
8. Were you a nerd?
Not exactly.
10. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heavens no.
11. Can you sing the fight song?
No.
12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Senior year I don't know if I had a favorite. The most RETARDED teacher was Mr. Scott. If I had to pick maybe Mrs. Schlessinger? she was pretty cool.
13. Favorite class?
English
14. What was your school's full name?
Bellport Senior High School
15. School mascot?
A bulldog and a Clipper ship.
16. Did you go to Prom?
Of course! Looking fabulous as ever with Best Gal Pal on my arm.
17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Of course, I wish I could see those crazy kids again for one more go round.
18. What do you remember most about graduation?
Being with the two people I loved most in the world and just having my family around me and Happy.
19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
It's all a blur of Good Times...
20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
I signed the senior wall if that counts.
21. Did you have a job your senior year?
The summer before, yes.
22. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Senior cafeteria.
23. Have you gained weight since then?
Please don't make me cry.
24. What did you do after graduation?
Went to college two weeks later (I started early).
25. When did you graduate?
1995
26. Where are most of your classmates?
Pretty scattered actually.
27. Are you going to your ten year reunion?
Been there done that-so glad I did though.
28. Who was your home room teacher?
I'm blanking.
29. Who will repost this after you?
Someone I hope, it would be fun to see the answers.
1. Who was your best friend?
Best Gal Pal
2.What sports did you play?
Soccer and Cheerleading. Yes, Cheerleading is a sport, I had the bruises to show it.
3. What kind of car did you drive?
I bummed rides, some things never change.
4. Friday night where were you at?
Best Gal Pals house watching the Knicks and eating whatever wasn't tied down.
5. Were you a party animal?
Not exactly.
6. Were you considered a flirt?
I doubt it.
7. Ever skip school?
Yes, Best Gal Pal introduced me to the Art of Skipping.
8. Were you a nerd?
Not exactly.
10. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heavens no.
11. Can you sing the fight song?
No.
12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Senior year I don't know if I had a favorite. The most RETARDED teacher was Mr. Scott. If I had to pick maybe Mrs. Schlessinger? she was pretty cool.
13. Favorite class?
English
14. What was your school's full name?
Bellport Senior High School
15. School mascot?
A bulldog and a Clipper ship.
16. Did you go to Prom?
Of course! Looking fabulous as ever with Best Gal Pal on my arm.
17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Of course, I wish I could see those crazy kids again for one more go round.
18. What do you remember most about graduation?
Being with the two people I loved most in the world and just having my family around me and Happy.
19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
It's all a blur of Good Times...
20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
I signed the senior wall if that counts.
21. Did you have a job your senior year?
The summer before, yes.
22. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Senior cafeteria.
23. Have you gained weight since then?
Please don't make me cry.
24. What did you do after graduation?
Went to college two weeks later (I started early).
25. When did you graduate?
1995
26. Where are most of your classmates?
Pretty scattered actually.
27. Are you going to your ten year reunion?
Been there done that-so glad I did though.
28. Who was your home room teacher?
I'm blanking.
29. Who will repost this after you?
Someone I hope, it would be fun to see the answers.
Friends Forever
On the phone:
Best Gal Pal: "I was thinking, I'd like to have you in the room with me when I have the baby"
Me: (eyes wide looking over my shoulder)"Who are you talking to???"
BGP: "You. I'm serious, I think it would be fun"
Me: (silence)
BGP: "You know, 'Good times' and all that"
Me: (shaking my head) "I'm sorry, I can't do that, don't you want me to EVER have children? I just can't, I can't.
Best Gal Pal: "I was thinking, I'd like to have you in the room with me when I have the baby"
Me: (eyes wide looking over my shoulder)"Who are you talking to???"
BGP: "You. I'm serious, I think it would be fun"
Me: (silence)
BGP: "You know, 'Good times' and all that"
Me: (shaking my head) "I'm sorry, I can't do that, don't you want me to EVER have children? I just can't, I can't.
Thursday, August 3, 2006
My experience on the Couch
"You have issues with men", my therapist announced one evening.
He said it matter of fact. The way you'd state the condition of the weather outside your window. The funny thing is, it was as obvious as ill-fitting panties underneath too tight pants. It's painfully obvious and yet no one really gets called out on it.
I had issues with men.
In alot of way that night was the beginning to my "ah-ha" moment. You know, the moment when you "get it", finally. It's one thing to feel out of wack. It's another to be able to identify the issue and work at moving on. I truly wanted to move on. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college and a long term relationship and trying to be a grown up. Whatever that meant. I knew it meant mentally healthy and I knew I wasn't that. I turned to therapy as a way to figure it all out. I had begun to feel so sad that I was afraid to cry. I had the feeling that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I was really hurting.
It was so liberating to lose myself in tears. Even with a stranger. That whole session I cried.
I cried for the little girl in me who watched her father fall down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. For a mother who struggled to pick up the pieces and create a life for her children.
I had been carrying a burden of responsibility around for a long long time and it was really weighing me down. I LOOKED depressed. I felt guilty that I didn't have to live with alcoholism anymore and yet my family wasn't free. Going to sleep without the fear of waking up to breaking dishes or a pot left on the stove was no longer a part of my life. I couldn't enjoy it though. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. It was okay to have my own life.
I'd never really relaxed my whole life. It's hard to relax when you live with alcoholism. You have to always be alert and on guard because days and nights can change with a moments notice.
I cried because I didn't have one male in my life that I could depend on. Not one. If you don't count my grandfather who I lost at 12 years old. I never really had. I wondered what having a relationship with your father would be like? To be able to just sit and chat. I never wanted to be in the same room with mine, let alone have to exchange words with him.
I cried because the one man in the world that I thought I could trust had betrayed me. His betrayal was far greater than anything I could ever imagine him doing and I was devastated. Somehow his disloyalty caused me to feel like trash and hurled me into a deeper depression. I'd smile and nod but on the inside I was a mess. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide but I knew that wasn't the answer.
Three years later I was better. I wouldn't go so far as to say "healed" but on the inside I was miles away from the girl who had first walked into my therapists office. I'm so glad that I made that choice to seek help. Since that time I've been able to share my experience with friends and family and some of them have decided to seek out therapy as a way to get through hard times. Sometimes people are going through hard times and they feel like they are the only ones who have had that experience. It's nice to know that you are not the only one.
He said it matter of fact. The way you'd state the condition of the weather outside your window. The funny thing is, it was as obvious as ill-fitting panties underneath too tight pants. It's painfully obvious and yet no one really gets called out on it.
I had issues with men.
In alot of way that night was the beginning to my "ah-ha" moment. You know, the moment when you "get it", finally. It's one thing to feel out of wack. It's another to be able to identify the issue and work at moving on. I truly wanted to move on. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college and a long term relationship and trying to be a grown up. Whatever that meant. I knew it meant mentally healthy and I knew I wasn't that. I turned to therapy as a way to figure it all out. I had begun to feel so sad that I was afraid to cry. I had the feeling that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I was really hurting.
It was so liberating to lose myself in tears. Even with a stranger. That whole session I cried.
I cried for the little girl in me who watched her father fall down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. For a mother who struggled to pick up the pieces and create a life for her children.
I had been carrying a burden of responsibility around for a long long time and it was really weighing me down. I LOOKED depressed. I felt guilty that I didn't have to live with alcoholism anymore and yet my family wasn't free. Going to sleep without the fear of waking up to breaking dishes or a pot left on the stove was no longer a part of my life. I couldn't enjoy it though. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. It was okay to have my own life.
I'd never really relaxed my whole life. It's hard to relax when you live with alcoholism. You have to always be alert and on guard because days and nights can change with a moments notice.
I cried because I didn't have one male in my life that I could depend on. Not one. If you don't count my grandfather who I lost at 12 years old. I never really had. I wondered what having a relationship with your father would be like? To be able to just sit and chat. I never wanted to be in the same room with mine, let alone have to exchange words with him.
I cried because the one man in the world that I thought I could trust had betrayed me. His betrayal was far greater than anything I could ever imagine him doing and I was devastated. Somehow his disloyalty caused me to feel like trash and hurled me into a deeper depression. I'd smile and nod but on the inside I was a mess. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide but I knew that wasn't the answer.
Three years later I was better. I wouldn't go so far as to say "healed" but on the inside I was miles away from the girl who had first walked into my therapists office. I'm so glad that I made that choice to seek help. Since that time I've been able to share my experience with friends and family and some of them have decided to seek out therapy as a way to get through hard times. Sometimes people are going through hard times and they feel like they are the only ones who have had that experience. It's nice to know that you are not the only one.
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