Progress Note #1

I've got two things on my mind. First of all, I've been avoiding the scale like the plague for a few months now. I decided to do this because my weight is a constant thorn in my side and I was tired of obsessing over every pound and everything that I was eating. I wanted to eat and not feel guilt, drink without wondering of the carb count. I wanted to be free. Living free got me 15 lbs fatter. I am officially on lock-down.
I know I've talked this talk before but this time, I'm walking the walk. Official today I am dieting and exercising consistently. From my mouth to God's ears. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse. I will keep my progress posted, to keep me accountable. Next progress note will be next Tuesday.

I said I had two things on my mind. This is the second one, on a totally unrelated subject. What is it about another person's success that causes people to lose their minds? Is it that another person's success in life causes you to take a cold hard look at your own, shining a light on your short comings?
I've been thinking, "Have I ever been jealous of a friend?". I have, I can't remember a time I was jealous of material things, but, I remember I've been jealous of other things. I've been jealous of the fact that a person knows what they want to be "when they grow up". I've only just narrowed it down and I'm pushing 30. I've always wished I could have been born knowing like some people. I thought I had been born knowing for a long time but, it was a false alarm. I rest assured in the fact that one day I will know. I mean, that's how it goes...Right??
I've been jealous of friends that have a family, a two car garage and a dog. I don't wish that they didn't have what they have, I just wish I could have it too, one day. I'm not ready for it today. I'm not ready for the responsiblity that comes with the husband/kids package. I want more time to take care of me. It must be nice to know that they're there though. When I'm ready I hope there's still a package left for me. I don't think it's fair to take it sooner than your ready because everyone loses out and then it's not happy and it's not healthy and that's not my plan.
I've been jealous of friends who are thinner than me. I've been more than jealous of those bi-otches actually. Those friends that "run 5 miles a day" and eat cottage cheese for breakfast. Okay, I'm not really jealous of the cottage cheese part. I'm kind of jealous of the "run 5 miles a day" part though, seriously. I mean that is will power and determination at it's best. What is it about my fat a$$ that I can't get out there an do something every day I'm just as good as them. That's why I've decided I have to do something- I can live like this no mas. I want someone to be jealous of me (is that sick?). I can be consistent and persistent and get this weight off, I can. Then when I slide into my sevens without having to jump up and down and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle and put on my cute Vickies top and head out on the town You can envy Me.

Things I need: to be appreciated, chocolate, water, lotion, to know my family is okay, to love, to be loved, hugs, a warm soft bed, pillows, to feel the sun, mangos, my dad's strawberry shortcake, airplane flights to new places, biscuits with butter and honey, my cellphone, Brooklyn, close friends (the ones who REALLY know me), to be able to sleep at the beach a few days a year, good soap, to help others, to let go sometimes, to laugh, to know it's okay to cry, shoes, tea...To be continued.