About Me

My photo
Franklin Park, New Jersey, United States

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Past tense:

There is always one that you have to get out of your system. They are poison for you, and you know this but, they get "in" you and you can't get over the addiction. His name was, well, I am opting to protect the less than innocent. He was my latin love. I think every girl should have one-they're good for the soul.
We met at the gym. It was the first and only time that I met someone in which the initial meeting had a palpable chemistry. You could smell the pheromones and feel the eletricity. He was my self esteem booster. To be looked at the way he did, there wasn't any other way to feel. He was very sure of himself in an almost cocky way and yet, you couldn't turn away. You (I) listened to him. I kind of wanted him to boss me around, as much as it angered me-I kept coming back for more. Whatever he gave, I took. Some where along this story things got really twisted. The fun game ended and the lies began. Honestly, the lies were always there I suppose it's just that I got tired of hearing them. I got tired of half truths and deception. Chemistry was no longer enough to hold me. I needed more. I felt that I deserved more.
I grew up.
One day I opened my eyes, I mean really opened my eyes and knew that I couldn't do this anymore. I deleted him from my phone and asked that he do the same. I went through withdrawal but it was worth it to have back my sanity. I got over him. Slowly slowly I got over him. He made a brief reappearance claiming rebirth, asking for a chance to prove himself. I declined.
On Saturday he came back. Well, it wasn't HIM actually, it was just his scent. He sat next to me on the subway platform surrounded by a cloud of Acqua di Gio. The smell knocked me back a few years and took my breathe away for a moment. Then I was back. I couldn't help but smile. I'm glad for the memories but, it lets me know how far I've come. How much more I know myself and the things I want and don't want. I've had the opportunity to go down that rocky road again but, I chose not to. I am proud of myself for that.

Monday, April 24, 2006

10 of lifes simplest pleasures

(I was tagged last week to do this)

1. Enjoying nature (in the springsummer).
2. Any time that I get to spend with my family.
3. Coming home to a roommate-less apartment.
4. Laughing with Jason.
5. Sharing time/food/drinks with people with whom I hold a history.
6. Getting dressed once and having everything fit.
7. A favorite pair of jeans.
8. When everything is paid and you've got money to burn.
9. A new perfume.
10. The night before vacation.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Cats in the craddle and the silver spoon

Overheard on the bus yesterday:

Son: "I wanna be like you when I grow up, I wanna be a singer!"
Father: "Yeah?" he says smiling
Son: "No, wait I wanna be like Uncle Teddy when I grow up!"
Father: "No, no you can't be like Uncle Teddy"
Son: "Why not?"
Father: "Uncle Teddy still doesn't know what he wants to be yet...but he's gonna figure it out, yeah, he's gonna figure it out"

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I've been avoiding writing because I'm feeling funky. I have 126.86 hours in my vacation bank as we speak and 25 days till I head to Laguardia Airport. My skin is the color of cafe au lait and I so see myself as more of an island girl...I prefer my skin the color of semi-sweet. The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice has always been my motto.
The weather has been inconsistent and it's playing with my emotions. One day the sun is shining and I get to wear my new sunglasses. The very next day I have to remember to secure my scarf around my neck to fight off the cold winds. Can't anything in life be constant? Can't I at least be able to depend on the weather. Even as I'm writing that it doesn't make sense. The weather is the only change that is constant, unfortunately.
Friday I had dinner with the First Wives Club. They took the train from the 'burbs to celebrate Best Gal Pals birthday. In the mist of the rain we dined on southern italian and drank in each others stories. I was glad I came out, even as I made my way through the maze of people in Times Square looking for a pair of cheap comfortable shoes to relieve BGP's swollen pregnant feet. It wasn't quite a summer night out...but I could almost feel it. As the weather gets nicer, the plans for "let's get together" seem all the more tangible. I can't wait for afterwork drinks at the seaport followed by "we should get something to eat, you hungry?". It's what summer in New York is all about.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Watch out world here I come!

I'm learning to drive. This is my latest goal, a license. I've given up on the friends and family who have promised to "teach me to drive". I get one or two lessons out of them and that's it. It's not due to my skill level either! A couple of weeks ago after taking a good hard look at my permit, I realized, that it expires this year on my birthday. How could five years have come and gone so soon?

Shortly after making that discovery I bit the proverbial bullet and paid to enroll in a driving school. My instructors name is John. I like John. John is nice. John has patience. John used to teach mentally retarded children...not to drive...that was my question when he told me that!
I've had two lessons on the these mean Manhattan streets. I am alive to tell the story.

I was really nervous at the first lesson. It wasn't my first time behind the wheel but it was my first time with the so much traffic around me. The school in located in the Union Square area and my lessons are generally at the time of rush hour. Thankfully due to the huge "Student Driver" sign on the top of the car I have recieved some courtesy. I was only honked at once for not moving fast enough after the light changed from red to green. The honk of annoyance came from a yellow cab driver and in my book they don't count. They have very limited patience and often limited driving skills themselves. Other than that lesson number one went smoothly. Slowly but smoothly.

At lesson number two I made a conscious effort to be more relaxed. I can't worry about the cars around me. I have to relax and remember what to do. My parallel parking was really good in lesson number two.

I have three formal lessons and then my road test on May 10th.

Last night I drove home from Coney Island. I was really nervous but, I did fine. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I'm being productive and doing positive things for myself. Now all I have to do is find my way to the gym at some point in the near future because I haven't been all week. I'm running 10 miles tomorrow though so ...that's gotta count for something...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Commitment

One month from today I will be 29 years old. I've been having some crazy thoughts today. Thoughts that involve leaving New York and living somewhere else for a few years. Just quitting and packing and leaving and starting a new chapter. My stomach jumps and gets nervous at the thought of it but, why not? I couldn't keep the feelings inside any longer and I ran it by "him" just to see where his head is at in all of this. His heart is open to the possibility of adventure and that makes me smile. I've talked like this before but it was in abstract. This year I want to see how it could possibly come to life-I want to get a real plan. I'm researching and reading and I won't stop until I have some answers. I'm sure my vacation next month will get the creative juices flowing...

I keep a favorite "What I know for sure" article by Oprah on my desk and lately more than ever I want to keep it in the fore front of my mind. "Once you decide what you want, you make a commitment to that decision" I want to commit to making my life more of what I want this year.

Friday, April 7, 2006

No regrets

I made a new friend this summer. He is a physically fit gentleman in his mid-fifties with a hearty sense of humor and a personality larger than life. His body is his personal canvas. He has adorned himself head to toe in sentimental works of art. He is a father and a husband. He is living with cancer. Yesterday he found out he is dying.

Have you ever wondered what if would feel like to know that your dying, and there isn't anything you can do about it? There is no cure. No hope. All you have is today. All any of us really have is today isn't it? We forget that but it's true.

Thinking about how it must feel to be in his place had me really upset last night. I even dreamed that my doctor called me and told me that "I" was dying. The mind is a crazy thing. I tried to think about what I would do? Who I would go see? How would I live out my last days? I feel weird even writing about this. "We first start dying the day of birth" isn't that how the saying goes? (sigh)

I don't want to live my life with regrets. To date I have only one. It is not something that I can change so I try not to dwell on it. I want to have the courage to say all the things that I mean, all the things that are on my heart. My intention is not to hurt or offend others but to live. This blog is one way that I can do this. It's semi-anonymous but it's a small world out there. My words will ruffle feathers but, that's the point. I don't want to live life standing on the side lines-I want to get in and play the game.

Monday, April 3, 2006

My monday morning 2 cents

I hate waiting for the penny. You know the penny in change that you get back when something is $1.99 or $1.49? That penny. I just bought a bag of overpriced pretzels in the giftshop, they were $1.49 so I gave the cashier one dollar and two quarters. Then I waited the awkward wait while he made the change. I guess he didn't expect me to stick around for the penny because he glanced up kinda surprised that I was still there and asked, "Would you like a bag?" "Urgh, uhm no, no" I mumbled as I reached out for my penny feeling like Oliver Twist. Should I not take the penny? It is mine, I work (okay, maybe not) really hard for my pennies.
My other thing is when the bodega guy charges me for the penny. He'll charge me $2.00 for something that is $1.99. I don't think that this is fair either. My whole thing is that pennies add up to dollars and dollars add up to down payments for houses, groceries, vacations and well, maybe I'm stretching it but you get where I'm going with this. Every little bit counts.