"You have issues with men", my therapist announced one evening.
He said it matter of fact. The way you'd state the condition of the weather outside your window. The funny thing is, it was as obvious as ill-fitting panties underneath too tight pants. It's painfully obvious and yet no one really gets called out on it.
I had issues with men.
In alot of way that night was the beginning to my "ah-ha" moment. You know, the moment when you "get it", finally. It's one thing to feel out of wack. It's another to be able to identify the issue and work at moving on. I truly wanted to move on. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college and a long term relationship and trying to be a grown up. Whatever that meant. I knew it meant mentally healthy and I knew I wasn't that. I turned to therapy as a way to figure it all out. I had begun to feel so sad that I was afraid to cry. I had the feeling that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I was really hurting.
It was so liberating to lose myself in tears. Even with a stranger. That whole session I cried.
I cried for the little girl in me who watched her father fall down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. For a mother who struggled to pick up the pieces and create a life for her children.
I had been carrying a burden of responsibility around for a long long time and it was really weighing me down. I LOOKED depressed. I felt guilty that I didn't have to live with alcoholism anymore and yet my family wasn't free. Going to sleep without the fear of waking up to breaking dishes or a pot left on the stove was no longer a part of my life. I couldn't enjoy it though. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. It was okay to have my own life.
I'd never really relaxed my whole life. It's hard to relax when you live with alcoholism. You have to always be alert and on guard because days and nights can change with a moments notice.
I cried because I didn't have one male in my life that I could depend on. Not one. If you don't count my grandfather who I lost at 12 years old. I never really had. I wondered what having a relationship with your father would be like? To be able to just sit and chat. I never wanted to be in the same room with mine, let alone have to exchange words with him.
I cried because the one man in the world that I thought I could trust had betrayed me. His betrayal was far greater than anything I could ever imagine him doing and I was devastated. Somehow his disloyalty caused me to feel like trash and hurled me into a deeper depression. I'd smile and nod but on the inside I was a mess. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide but I knew that wasn't the answer.
Three years later I was better. I wouldn't go so far as to say "healed" but on the inside I was miles away from the girl who had first walked into my therapists office. I'm so glad that I made that choice to seek help. Since that time I've been able to share my experience with friends and family and some of them have decided to seek out therapy as a way to get through hard times. Sometimes people are going through hard times and they feel like they are the only ones who have had that experience. It's nice to know that you are not the only one.
