I feel like crawling into a vat of chocolate then laying down in the fetal position and crying. I get the worst PMS. Today my mood has flucuated from annoyance to I'd like to smash your head up against the wall. This switch in mood takes only seconds. I don't want to be Jekyll and Hyde but today that is the role I was cast to be. It's not only today really-I should be more accurate. The monkey's been riding my back all week, the delivery is scheduled to drop sometime Saturday (probably between 10 and 2). I'll take the ride down the river any day than be awakened at the crack of dawn by a screaming newborn but...I digress.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Jason meets Best Gal Pal
This weekend I brought Jason home to meet my Best Gal Pal. The plan was to hook up between 1 and 2 (closer to 2) for lunch. Seeing as Jason usually greets the day on Saturdays around the time the rest of us are winding down, I knew I needed to give him incentive. A reason to want to drag his butt out of bed before 4pm other than just the knowledge he'd get to see my beautiful face. I made that incentive Vegetarian Palate, a restaurant devoted entirely to his eating lifestyle. A place where everything on the menu is for him and he doesn't have to do the "side order" dance.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Boycott
It woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details here because, well, I'm not in the mood to relive it. All I have to say is that four days in the shadow of Martin Luther King, Jr Day racism and racial profiling in America is still alive and well. Jason and I were viciously and aggressively singled out at the Ralph Lauren store at 888 Madison Avenue (E72nd) and intimidated in a manner I have never experienced before-and Momma's been followed many a time in a store. In any event, I am writing to the corporate office as we speak-if nothing less I would like an apology. The treatment that we receive was appalling.
Monday, January 16, 2006
America, my own mother!
"You can't really be that slow"...this is the message my mother IM'd me this morning. For those who know me, your probably on her side-nodding your head.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Another little game...
I've been tagged to be apart of a blogger game by Genna. Here goes nothing.
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
Thursday, January 12, 2006
And the survey says...
Welcome to the new 2006 edition of getting to know your friends. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10am but I didn't get out of bed until 7:30am.
2. Diamonds or pearls?Either
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Memoirs of a Geisha
4. What is your favorite TV show?Seinfeld or anything of the Law and Order type
5. What did you have for breakfast?Water, half of a banana and a little (like really little) muffin that I swiped from an early morning meeting (that I was obviously not at).
6. What is your middle name?Michel
7. What is your favorite food? There are so many...
8. What foods do you dislike?Beets or chicken on the bone that is not really, really, really well done. I don't like to bite into it and then have a vein pop, that is the worst!
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I haven't met a chip that I didn't like.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?India.Arie (Visit to India??) track #5 and maybe Gwen Stephani, Mariah Carey the Platinum Edition.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hah!
14 Favorite drink? H20 or a nice iced tea
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? French Polynesia
16.What color is your bathroom? stark white with a light gray tile
17. Favorite brand of clothing? No respector of brands...if it looks good I wear it. I do love Free People-but can't really afford their stuff.
18.Where would you retire?At the waters edge.
19 Favorite time of day? When I'm on MY time.
21. Favorite sport to watch? Football or Figure Skating.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back?Irene
23. Person you expect to send it back first?Not sure...Mommy or Stacy??
24. What laundry detergent do you use? I haven't used it in a while-I've been sending my laundry out (gasp!)
25. Coke or Pepsi? If I can't have water, a couple swigs of Pepsi never hurt anyone.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? On vacation I love the morning...otherwise no.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 or 9
28. Do you have pets?Unfortunately...one cat-it's a love hate relationship. It goes both ways.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? Nothing on the tip of my tongue.
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.
31. Favorite Candy Bar?anything with nuts
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I worked in the daycare of an emergency housing community, I was a candy striper for a bit...I was a cashier and then shift manager at Pluck U for 4 years while I was in school, I worked with people with disablities right out of school and now I'm working at a cancer center.
34. Favorite season?S-U-M-M-E-R
35. Nicknames you've had?monkey, Ri, Ria, Marie (despise-this one)
36. Piercings: ears only.
37. Eye color:Brown
38. Ever been to Africa?No
39. Ever been toilet papering?No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry?Yes
41. Been in a car accident?Yes, but it wasn't serious.
42. What's something no one has ever asked you/said to you? You have an interesting life. (rather than always constantly wanting to know when I'm getting married and having kids. NEVER-how does NEVER sound!)
43. Favorite day of the week?Thursday-I've loved this day since I was young.
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the reason for dining out.
45. Favorite flower? Wild flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Strawberry, anything with nuts or chocolate
47. Disney or Warner Brothers?don't care
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? any place with fries
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? horrible tile that I'm re-doing within the next 6 months.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?If you never take it you can't fail.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Best Gal Pal
52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? Sak's
53. What do you do most often when you are bored?Eat, write, sleep, read
54. Bedtime:usually in the 11-12 hour
56. Last person you went to dinner with?Irene-but she didn't eat, only I did so - I'll pick Jason.
57. Ford or Chevy?don't care
58. What are you listening to right now?Some electronic sound coming from my co-workers computer
59. What is your favorite color?Big fan of purple-but anything bright and summer like.
60. Lake, Ocean or River?Ocean hands down.
61. How many tattoos do you have?None
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Egg
63. How many people are you sending this email to? Posting to my fans that read me
64. Favorite Cocktail?Kettle One on the rocks Extra Lime
65. Red or White wine? Red
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Any place with a beautiful beach and great nightlife.
67. What do you want to be? Happy, satisfied and successful.
68. Republican or Democrat? A human being.
69. Favorite Family Vacation?We have never ALL been away at the exact same time.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10am but I didn't get out of bed until 7:30am.
2. Diamonds or pearls?Either
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Memoirs of a Geisha
4. What is your favorite TV show?Seinfeld or anything of the Law and Order type
5. What did you have for breakfast?Water, half of a banana and a little (like really little) muffin that I swiped from an early morning meeting (that I was obviously not at).
6. What is your middle name?Michel
7. What is your favorite food? There are so many...
8. What foods do you dislike?Beets or chicken on the bone that is not really, really, really well done. I don't like to bite into it and then have a vein pop, that is the worst!
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I haven't met a chip that I didn't like.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?India.Arie (Visit to India??) track #5 and maybe Gwen Stephani, Mariah Carey the Platinum Edition.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hah!
14 Favorite drink? H20 or a nice iced tea
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? French Polynesia
16.What color is your bathroom? stark white with a light gray tile
17. Favorite brand of clothing? No respector of brands...if it looks good I wear it. I do love Free People-but can't really afford their stuff.
18.Where would you retire?At the waters edge.
19 Favorite time of day? When I'm on MY time.
21. Favorite sport to watch? Football or Figure Skating.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back?Irene
23. Person you expect to send it back first?Not sure...Mommy or Stacy??
24. What laundry detergent do you use? I haven't used it in a while-I've been sending my laundry out (gasp!)
25. Coke or Pepsi? If I can't have water, a couple swigs of Pepsi never hurt anyone.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? On vacation I love the morning...otherwise no.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 or 9
28. Do you have pets?Unfortunately...one cat-it's a love hate relationship. It goes both ways.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? Nothing on the tip of my tongue.
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.
31. Favorite Candy Bar?anything with nuts
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I worked in the daycare of an emergency housing community, I was a candy striper for a bit...I was a cashier and then shift manager at Pluck U for 4 years while I was in school, I worked with people with disablities right out of school and now I'm working at a cancer center.
34. Favorite season?S-U-M-M-E-R
35. Nicknames you've had?monkey, Ri, Ria, Marie (despise-this one)
36. Piercings: ears only.
37. Eye color:Brown
38. Ever been to Africa?No
39. Ever been toilet papering?No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry?Yes
41. Been in a car accident?Yes, but it wasn't serious.
42. What's something no one has ever asked you/said to you? You have an interesting life. (rather than always constantly wanting to know when I'm getting married and having kids. NEVER-how does NEVER sound!)
43. Favorite day of the week?Thursday-I've loved this day since I was young.
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the reason for dining out.
45. Favorite flower? Wild flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Strawberry, anything with nuts or chocolate
47. Disney or Warner Brothers?don't care
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? any place with fries
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? horrible tile that I'm re-doing within the next 6 months.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?If you never take it you can't fail.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Best Gal Pal
52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? Sak's
53. What do you do most often when you are bored?Eat, write, sleep, read
54. Bedtime:usually in the 11-12 hour
56. Last person you went to dinner with?Irene-but she didn't eat, only I did so - I'll pick Jason.
57. Ford or Chevy?don't care
58. What are you listening to right now?Some electronic sound coming from my co-workers computer
59. What is your favorite color?Big fan of purple-but anything bright and summer like.
60. Lake, Ocean or River?Ocean hands down.
61. How many tattoos do you have?None
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Egg
63. How many people are you sending this email to? Posting to my fans that read me
64. Favorite Cocktail?Kettle One on the rocks Extra Lime
65. Red or White wine? Red
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Any place with a beautiful beach and great nightlife.
67. What do you want to be? Happy, satisfied and successful.
68. Republican or Democrat? A human being.
69. Favorite Family Vacation?We have never ALL been away at the exact same time.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
you
When she called with her cryptic clue for one moment I thought of you. I thought I'd hear that it wasn't true. Why does it always come back to you? It always has you know, some how your always there, in the folds of my mind and the curve of my heart.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Comes to Dawn
Last night I scanned my bookshelves looking for my long lost Weight Watchers materials. I found them tucked away neatly in the carrying case that I paid $19.99 for almost two years ago. The time I spent at WW wasn't a waste, it was a learning experience. I learned what portions are and how it feels to be hungry. I learned that I can lose weight. I learned that it's not easy and that there are a lot of us out there struggling with it.
That isn't what's on my mind though.
As I dusted off the Food Companions and checked to make sure my WW calculator still worked an envelope fell on the floor. As I picked up the stuffed envelope and turned it over to look at who it was addressed to, it came back to me. I remembered the night that I sat on my bed and through tears wrote a letter to a MIML nearly 3 years ago. As I sat down to read the letter I pulled out the 5 sheets of pink notebook paper. I tried to read the whole thing through to the end but I couldn't. It was so pathetic, so whiny- so not the person I see myself as today. Today I don't think I would write a letter like that to a MIML. Today and every day I come closer to understanding and believing the words in the poem that hang in my bathroom.
That isn't what's on my mind though.
As I dusted off the Food Companions and checked to make sure my WW calculator still worked an envelope fell on the floor. As I picked up the stuffed envelope and turned it over to look at who it was addressed to, it came back to me. I remembered the night that I sat on my bed and through tears wrote a letter to a MIML nearly 3 years ago. As I sat down to read the letter I pulled out the 5 sheets of pink notebook paper. I tried to read the whole thing through to the end but I couldn't. It was so pathetic, so whiny- so not the person I see myself as today. Today I don't think I would write a letter like that to a MIML. Today and every day I come closer to understanding and believing the words in the poem that hang in my bathroom.
Comes to Dawn
Author unknown
After a while you learn
The subtle difference
Between holding a hand
And chaining a soul...
And you learn
That love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child...
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down
In mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you bask too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn...
With every goodbye
You learn.
Friday, January 6, 2006
Jonesin'
I'm jonesin'. I got it bad. I've been trying to hold back the demons these last few weeks but it's getting harder and harder, and I'm getting weaker and weaker. I gave in a little over this long weekend-I had to have a taste of that sweet stuff. I was at My Dear Friend Irene's in the kitchen searching for something to munch on and I saw it out of the corner of my eye, high on the shelf, it wanted me. I tried not to look at it face on for fear it would bring up memories that are too hard to think of now. Now that the mercury is dropping a bit more everyday. I left the kitchen and went to sit on the couch. I tried to concentrate on the words coming from the big screen but "it" was calling me back, wanting me to remember-wanting me to want it.
I walked back toward the kitchen with my eyes aimed at that sweet sweet stuff. There it was, sitting there waiting for me to hold it, pop the top and smell the delicious scent. The scent that brings to mind warm sun wrapped all over your body, cool drinks, sand, bathing suits, laughter. I turned the bottle over and lathered my arms with Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion, breathing deeply with each stroke. I breathed deep and held the breathe in much the same way I've people who smoke weed do. In that moment I understood why they do it like that, you need it in you, to be a part of you, to last.
I walked back toward the kitchen with my eyes aimed at that sweet sweet stuff. There it was, sitting there waiting for me to hold it, pop the top and smell the delicious scent. The scent that brings to mind warm sun wrapped all over your body, cool drinks, sand, bathing suits, laughter. I turned the bottle over and lathered my arms with Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion, breathing deeply with each stroke. I breathed deep and held the breathe in much the same way I've people who smoke weed do. In that moment I understood why they do it like that, you need it in you, to be a part of you, to last.
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