The C-R-A-Z-Y

I'm getting my period next week. That means that this week I've got the crazies. It won't take much to set me off the deep end or send me into uncontrolable sobs. There will be nothing that you can do to please me from this point on until it's over. Any and/or every word out of your mouth is bound to piss me off. Since I've realized my pattern I try to actively keep myself in check and manage my reactions and emotions during this time period. It works...sometimes.

I wish that I wasn't like this - it's draining, not only on me but my relationships as well. I've tried medication but it only works when you remember to take it. For now, I'm going to try to have a good night. I decided to write a little to calm myself down because I was getting pretty worked up over things that I have absolutely no control over. I cannot control another persons actions -only my own. Tonight, in the battle of the c-r-a-z-y I am determined to triumph.

Sterility

Today I sat next to a lady on the bus having a conversation with her fertility specialists office. The feeling of wanting to turn a bit in my seat and look at her was overwhelming but I resisted the urge to do so. I felt bad even wanting to turn to look at her and examine her 30 - something face - a face not unlike my own. Most women of child-bearing age spend the majority of those years finding ways to NOT bear children. We scheme and stuff ourselves full of hormones with little thought to the future. Or maybe it is the future that keeps us cramming the hormones into our fertile bodies, tricking our ovaries month after month. Pretty soon the months turn into years and before we know it the damage is done. When my time comes, I pray that if the gods don't see fit to forgive my sins - I'm in a position to pay.



Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring





























Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring

"I'm in a good mood, you lucky, I got a good groove" (jay-z)

Nothing could be further from the truth actually. I'm in a ef-fed up mood, so really ya ain't so lucky and groove? What groove? I don't know what my deal is of late. I'm second guessing so many things and I don't like that. I don't do what if - I like to feel confident in my decisions. I'm not feeling confident at all.

I need a distraction.

Dear House gods,

Please stop letting things break in my house, I can't afford anymore. I can do light bulbs sir but not major appliances. I need my washing machine to work I really really do - please bring it back from the dead, it's NEW! I saw the receipt with my own eyes. I swear I did. Thank you for giving Jason the strength and wisdom to fix the toilet after his jackass friend flushed a piece of plastic down it. We are forever in your gratitude. But no more doors or windows or anything like that okay? We can't handle it...It makes me want to burn the house down - after all, that would be cheaper.



-Amen

Eyes wide shut

There has been nothing written because I'm afraid of what I have to say. In some way I feel like I should be talking about fields of daisies and baking cookies but, it's to cold for daisies and I need to Stop Eating! My belief in happily ever after...actually, I don't have a belief in happily ever after. I believe that life's tough and it gets harder for the most part. The past 4 months has been a roller coaster filled with highs and lows. In my mind I never imagined it would be this hard or this easy. Somehow, I knew it would be this worthwhile.

So much has happened. Contracts have been made and cancelled and then made again. Closing is scheduled for Monday at 1:30pm at this point. I will surrender my apartment on the 18th. It sounds so final, surrender. That apartment has been my home for the past almost eight years. I got it all by myself, no roommates, no parents nobody but me and God. I didn't even borrow a dime to get it - it was all my money.

After I got off of the phone with the management company yesterday my heart was beating a bit fast. I'm giving up a part of my independence, the single come and go as you please Maria will start to fade away. Don't get me wrong - I'm not exactly one to be put in a box but I'll have to do the courtesy "I'll be home late" call from now on. I'll also have to consider two if I stop for take out on the way home. What about my midnight refrigerator raids? Can I still do that? It's no secret this girl likes to indulge but there will be less secrets.

We're moving to Pear Tree Lane how surburan is that? It sounds like something from a 50's sitcom. I'm scared and nervous and happy all mixed up together. Monday I'm a home owner.

Things to do this lifetime

Run a half marathon - Done
Go on a wilderness trip (backpacking) - Done
Buy a house -Done
Get a license -Done
Buy property in Miami
Drive cross country
Visit as many beaches of the world as possible
Get serious about piano again
Host the holidays (cooked not catered) -Done
Own a piano
Ignore ignorant people -Trying
Buy a hotel
Buy a brownstone in Brooklyn
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving Day
Keep adding and crossing off things on this list

Tall Tales

Sometimes in order to tell a story I have to 'tell' a story. Not lies and untruths just all the details like, who said what and who was standing where. There have been times when my audience rushes me to the ending but it's so much more fun to get out the details then the punch line. Today as I shared stories with friends I lost lost track of time, it's such a good feeling.

I'm trying to figure out the next chapter in my life story these days. I'm toying with the idea of going back to school. It's never been on the list of maybe's for me - more like maybe NOT. I know I can do it, I could even do it well but I can't do it unless I'm excited. Finding a way to recapture the excitement that got me through the first go round is what is in the way.

My mission statement for life is to affect positive change in the world (and own a hotel). Is it possible to do both at the same time? Helping people vacation is after all a positive thing right? Maybe lawyer school? I like to write but I don't know if I'm cut out to be a novelist, short stories or blurbs on citysearch.com would be more my speed. I wonder who you have to sleep with to get a sweet gig like that?

Next year is the year to complete the 2009 plan for the 'next step'. Maybe it would help to create a list of things I want to do before I - well, I hestitate to say die. But, that's what I'm getting at.

Yeah that sounds like a good plan. It's better than a cheesy New Year's Resolution.

Sleepwalking

Yesterday we made an offer on the house and they accepted it. Of course it didn't actually go down like that. The back and forth went on all day and finally around 7pm we agreed to disagree or something like that. I still feel like I'm sleep walking. We're moving to New Jersey and I'm looking at it as the newest adventure in my life thus far. People are talking and adding their two cents to this decision - they can't seem to understand why we'd make this move. What I don't understand is why people have to always add their two cents. Isn't there something in your screwed up life that you could worry about?

As early as next month we could be living in sin. I can't believe it really. I feel like I'm actually starting to live my 'real life' and I must say that it does feel quite nice.

deal or no deal?

We found it. We found our house on Thursday. It's a two bedroom two and a half bath townhouse that overlooks a pond. I must say it seems surreal. The process has been so smooth and seamless that I found myself holding my breathe a few times today. Nothing in my life has ever moved so smoothly and I wish I didn't feel as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If all goes well I could very well be a homeowner before the new year! I can't wait to have a bedroom with a DOOR and an actual kitchen. I can finally entertain friends without causing a fire violation.

Next summer I can only being to imagine the possibilities of BBQ's and nights sitting under the stars on my patio. Thinking about heading over to the pool on Saturday mornings makes me nearly giddy with excitement.

There's no place like home

We've yet to go to the chapel but we've been to the mortgage banker. Me and the Man are looking for a place to call home. This experience is a little overwhelming, it's my biggest collaboration. The fact that we have a really clear (read: tight) budget is making things easier.

I can't seem to tear myself away from the internet real estate sites. It would be wonderful if I could take bits and pieces from several different homes and create my own unique place. In searching for the 'perfect' Realtor I've put out feelers looking for a personal referral. After all isn't it always better to use someone with whom you know their track record?

This morning I sent an email to an 'old friend' and he called back almost immediately to tell me that his townhouse is for sale as of this week! It's a bit out of my price range but I always loved that place. How crazy would it be to live there with the Man? I don't even think that its something that I could actually do. It's just to weird. I wouldn't even have to do a walk through - I've seen the whole place!

Sunday night, as Jason dropped me off in front of my building I turned to him and said, "You know pretty soon you won't have to drop me off because we'll live in the same place".

"I know" he said smiling. "But right now we don't and I need to get home and park the car on the right side so I don't have to move it in the morning".

Where everybody knows your name

Going to bars where the bartender is familiar with you is nice. Going anywhere where the staff knows you is nice because you know that you'll be taken care of. You don't have to repeat your preferences again and again you just say, "the usual" and they get it right. Ketel on the rocks with an extra lime is my usual unless I'm at Burrito Bar. If I'm at Burrito Bar my usual is a margarita straight up no salt and Courtney knows this. I love Courtney. I'm not drunk typing right now I'm actually very sober. Courtney is a struggling artist but who isn't in NYC?

Last week as I saddled up to the bar my eyes scanned behind the bar looking for Courtney to give her the nod. My eyes settled on a tall thin male 20 something behind the counter and I got disoriented for a minute. My heart beat a tad faster as I glanced at my friend and gushed, "Where's Courtney?". Apparently Courtney got a promotion and is a manager now. I tried to hide my disappointment as I ordered with new guy. When he asks if I'd like anything else I couldn't help but mutter, "Yeah, I want Courtney". I think he heard me.

Yesterday I thought I was strong enough to call my mother. I thought that I was strong enough to battle her depression and my own frustrations. I wasn't. I wish I had the strength to carry everyone I loved on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish I could cash them in for a set with less needs and issues, then I feel guilty. I love them and I know they love me but sometimes it's so hard to be a part of this family. It's. Just. So. Hard.

Drinking is sweet release and that scares me a bit. I don't want to go the way so many of my family has gone, seeking asylum in a bottle. Seriously, I don't think that could ever be me. I will never allow myself to become THAT person. I've spent to many years of my life running from that life. My dream has been to create a life that has peace. No more days dreading the night and what it may bring. No more sleeping in parked cars huddled next to those that I love because we can't go home.

Lately I've been having yearnings that I don't think are maternal but maybe they are. The yearnings are to nest. To find a house and make it a home. I'd be satisfied with just Jason and I as family if that is all that comes. But, I need a home. Perhaps on some level this IS maternal this need to nest and create roots. It's just that I've spent so much of my life wandering and I'm tired. I'm so so tired.

My body WILL BE Vicious...

Cause I've been up in the Gym just workin' on my fitness.

***

The River of Life

This morning I awoke to the river of life gushing between my legs warm and wet onto my white Hanes. The brief moment of sadness caught me by surprise. This is my first month off of the pill in nearly a decade and I wasn't really sure when it was coming but the reality is that it could have not come. I haven't been reckless but nothing in life in foul proof.
Even as I waited and waited for it to arrive the weekend I didn't feel anxious about it's lack of presence. That also shocked me but deep down I know why - J is a great guy and would make an awesome dad. While I'm relieved that parenthood will have to wait it felt kind of nice to think about carrying his child.

Pink took the words right out of my mouth

I keep hearing the same words. It's not the voices in my head, it's the people around me. The want to know when we're getting married. We're both happy the way we are. "I want to be with him forever but I'm not ready for forever "(Pink).

My Soda

Almost a month and a half ago I was diagnosed with hypertension that needs to be controlled with medication. I must say that I did not take it in a stride. I cried. I've since calmed down and be on a mission to get healthy and live medication free if possible. I've been keeping a watchful eye on what I eat but I'm not on a diet. Losing weight would definetly help my plight but I am doing my best to not become fixated with that outcome. I have been making sure that I am consciously active for 30 minutes plus each and every day. Some days I'll just get off of the train or bus at the wrong stop to get it in. I've been feeling much much better. I've also started acupuncture therapy and this has really helped to increase my energy level. My treatment is also aimed at helping to lower and stabilize my blood pressure as much as possible.
In thinking about what lead to this point I had a conversation with my Mother. We began to think about my Aunt actually who lost 20 lbs when she stopped mainlining Pepsi Cola. The frustrating thing is that I don't even DO soda. As these words came out of my mother I had another thought, "Mom, what's my soda?". Together we tried to brainstorm and she shared her soda with me, it's sugar in any form. Makes sense cause she's a diabetic. I also am a cake and cookies biggest fan but I REALLY deprive myself. Might not seem like it but it's true folks. I generally like to have desert when out dining but I ALWAYS share. If no one wants to share I don't have it. I hurt on the inside when that happens but I survive.
Back to my soda, so we finally figured it out! My soda is eating out. Cooking really isn't my forte, the cuisines I really enjoy such as Indian, Thai, Spanish I don't know how to make the things that I really like. Spanish maybe but not Indian or Thai. Well I'm going to obviously have to learn. I've been going grocery shopping and keeping food in the house. Might seem bizarre but I never used to have anything in the fridge. Not true actually, I had plenty of spoiled things in there but nothing you'd actually want to eat. So I'm looking for recipes for fast, easy tasty morsels. It helps if the meal is also vegetarian because then the Man and I can dine together (read: He can eat the left overs so the food doesn't go to waste).
I plan to try out a curry tofu recipe tonight wish me luck.

Advice

You can't use all your friends for all things. You just can't. Maybe it's just me, and maybe 'I' just can't. I can't talk to them all about the same things or hold them all to the same standards. Often times I talk to vent - NOT - to hear what your advice. I say it to you so that I don't have to say it out loud to the air. You are my sounding board. Boards can't talk, you shouldn't either. Don't insult my intelligence by treating me like a child. I may not want to grow up but I am wise beyond my years.

Summer Lovin' Had me a Blast

Fresh off the beaches of Miami I'm still trying to hold on to the glow of it all. Vacationing with a group of people is always a good time. It gives you options and everyone loves options. No matter what you want to do you can always find someone to do it with you. And if you DON'T want to do something with someone you can always pawn them off on someone else (ha-ha).

Getting away is also a really great way to reconnect with your signifigant other...away from the stresses and strains of daily life you get to see the best in each other. These are the things that you hold on to when your waiting in the airport with them and they are complaining for the upteenth time about your delayed flight or the fact that they lost their sunglasses.

In 6 weeks I'll be sailing on a cruise ship sans the Man to several dynamite locations. I can't wait!

May 21, 2005

Two years come and gone so fast. I wish I was dreamin'.