deal or no deal?

We found it. We found our house on Thursday. It's a two bedroom two and a half bath townhouse that overlooks a pond. I must say it seems surreal. The process has been so smooth and seamless that I found myself holding my breathe a few times today. Nothing in my life has ever moved so smoothly and I wish I didn't feel as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If all goes well I could very well be a homeowner before the new year! I can't wait to have a bedroom with a DOOR and an actual kitchen. I can finally entertain friends without causing a fire violation.

Next summer I can only being to imagine the possibilities of BBQ's and nights sitting under the stars on my patio. Thinking about heading over to the pool on Saturday mornings makes me nearly giddy with excitement.

There's no place like home

We've yet to go to the chapel but we've been to the mortgage banker. Me and the Man are looking for a place to call home. This experience is a little overwhelming, it's my biggest collaboration. The fact that we have a really clear (read: tight) budget is making things easier.

I can't seem to tear myself away from the internet real estate sites. It would be wonderful if I could take bits and pieces from several different homes and create my own unique place. In searching for the 'perfect' Realtor I've put out feelers looking for a personal referral. After all isn't it always better to use someone with whom you know their track record?

This morning I sent an email to an 'old friend' and he called back almost immediately to tell me that his townhouse is for sale as of this week! It's a bit out of my price range but I always loved that place. How crazy would it be to live there with the Man? I don't even think that its something that I could actually do. It's just to weird. I wouldn't even have to do a walk through - I've seen the whole place!

Sunday night, as Jason dropped me off in front of my building I turned to him and said, "You know pretty soon you won't have to drop me off because we'll live in the same place".

"I know" he said smiling. "But right now we don't and I need to get home and park the car on the right side so I don't have to move it in the morning".

Where everybody knows your name

Going to bars where the bartender is familiar with you is nice. Going anywhere where the staff knows you is nice because you know that you'll be taken care of. You don't have to repeat your preferences again and again you just say, "the usual" and they get it right. Ketel on the rocks with an extra lime is my usual unless I'm at Burrito Bar. If I'm at Burrito Bar my usual is a margarita straight up no salt and Courtney knows this. I love Courtney. I'm not drunk typing right now I'm actually very sober. Courtney is a struggling artist but who isn't in NYC?

Last week as I saddled up to the bar my eyes scanned behind the bar looking for Courtney to give her the nod. My eyes settled on a tall thin male 20 something behind the counter and I got disoriented for a minute. My heart beat a tad faster as I glanced at my friend and gushed, "Where's Courtney?". Apparently Courtney got a promotion and is a manager now. I tried to hide my disappointment as I ordered with new guy. When he asks if I'd like anything else I couldn't help but mutter, "Yeah, I want Courtney". I think he heard me.

Yesterday I thought I was strong enough to call my mother. I thought that I was strong enough to battle her depression and my own frustrations. I wasn't. I wish I had the strength to carry everyone I loved on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish I could cash them in for a set with less needs and issues, then I feel guilty. I love them and I know they love me but sometimes it's so hard to be a part of this family. It's. Just. So. Hard.

Drinking is sweet release and that scares me a bit. I don't want to go the way so many of my family has gone, seeking asylum in a bottle. Seriously, I don't think that could ever be me. I will never allow myself to become THAT person. I've spent to many years of my life running from that life. My dream has been to create a life that has peace. No more days dreading the night and what it may bring. No more sleeping in parked cars huddled next to those that I love because we can't go home.

Lately I've been having yearnings that I don't think are maternal but maybe they are. The yearnings are to nest. To find a house and make it a home. I'd be satisfied with just Jason and I as family if that is all that comes. But, I need a home. Perhaps on some level this IS maternal this need to nest and create roots. It's just that I've spent so much of my life wandering and I'm tired. I'm so so tired.

My body WILL BE Vicious...

Cause I've been up in the Gym just workin' on my fitness.

***

The River of Life

This morning I awoke to the river of life gushing between my legs warm and wet onto my white Hanes. The brief moment of sadness caught me by surprise. This is my first month off of the pill in nearly a decade and I wasn't really sure when it was coming but the reality is that it could have not come. I haven't been reckless but nothing in life in foul proof.
Even as I waited and waited for it to arrive the weekend I didn't feel anxious about it's lack of presence. That also shocked me but deep down I know why - J is a great guy and would make an awesome dad. While I'm relieved that parenthood will have to wait it felt kind of nice to think about carrying his child.

Pink took the words right out of my mouth

I keep hearing the same words. It's not the voices in my head, it's the people around me. The want to know when we're getting married. We're both happy the way we are. "I want to be with him forever but I'm not ready for forever "(Pink).

My Soda

Almost a month and a half ago I was diagnosed with hypertension that needs to be controlled with medication. I must say that I did not take it in a stride. I cried. I've since calmed down and be on a mission to get healthy and live medication free if possible. I've been keeping a watchful eye on what I eat but I'm not on a diet. Losing weight would definetly help my plight but I am doing my best to not become fixated with that outcome. I have been making sure that I am consciously active for 30 minutes plus each and every day. Some days I'll just get off of the train or bus at the wrong stop to get it in. I've been feeling much much better. I've also started acupuncture therapy and this has really helped to increase my energy level. My treatment is also aimed at helping to lower and stabilize my blood pressure as much as possible.
In thinking about what lead to this point I had a conversation with my Mother. We began to think about my Aunt actually who lost 20 lbs when she stopped mainlining Pepsi Cola. The frustrating thing is that I don't even DO soda. As these words came out of my mother I had another thought, "Mom, what's my soda?". Together we tried to brainstorm and she shared her soda with me, it's sugar in any form. Makes sense cause she's a diabetic. I also am a cake and cookies biggest fan but I REALLY deprive myself. Might not seem like it but it's true folks. I generally like to have desert when out dining but I ALWAYS share. If no one wants to share I don't have it. I hurt on the inside when that happens but I survive.
Back to my soda, so we finally figured it out! My soda is eating out. Cooking really isn't my forte, the cuisines I really enjoy such as Indian, Thai, Spanish I don't know how to make the things that I really like. Spanish maybe but not Indian or Thai. Well I'm going to obviously have to learn. I've been going grocery shopping and keeping food in the house. Might seem bizarre but I never used to have anything in the fridge. Not true actually, I had plenty of spoiled things in there but nothing you'd actually want to eat. So I'm looking for recipes for fast, easy tasty morsels. It helps if the meal is also vegetarian because then the Man and I can dine together (read: He can eat the left overs so the food doesn't go to waste).
I plan to try out a curry tofu recipe tonight wish me luck.

Advice

You can't use all your friends for all things. You just can't. Maybe it's just me, and maybe 'I' just can't. I can't talk to them all about the same things or hold them all to the same standards. Often times I talk to vent - NOT - to hear what your advice. I say it to you so that I don't have to say it out loud to the air. You are my sounding board. Boards can't talk, you shouldn't either. Don't insult my intelligence by treating me like a child. I may not want to grow up but I am wise beyond my years.

Summer Lovin' Had me a Blast

Fresh off the beaches of Miami I'm still trying to hold on to the glow of it all. Vacationing with a group of people is always a good time. It gives you options and everyone loves options. No matter what you want to do you can always find someone to do it with you. And if you DON'T want to do something with someone you can always pawn them off on someone else (ha-ha).

Getting away is also a really great way to reconnect with your signifigant other...away from the stresses and strains of daily life you get to see the best in each other. These are the things that you hold on to when your waiting in the airport with them and they are complaining for the upteenth time about your delayed flight or the fact that they lost their sunglasses.

In 6 weeks I'll be sailing on a cruise ship sans the Man to several dynamite locations. I can't wait!

May 21, 2005

Two years come and gone so fast. I wish I was dreamin'.

American Life

I've been listening to the Madonna Re Invention Tour (or whatever she called it) on repeat for days and I agree with her - this modern life ain't for me.
I have no time these days. I can't remember the last time I saw my friends. I scheduled a brunch on Sunday as a kind of friend group visit - I'll making myself available for a chunk of time and I'm asking them to do the same. It's pitiful. I invited one girlfriend and she said, "I have to share time with other people? No, I don't want to do that. When else can you see me?" She's penciled in for next week...
I have a feeling that when the snow thaws and the mercury rises I'll still have friends but it ain't lookin' that great. I can't even get anyone on the phone these days.
It seems as if everyone in my life is working their arses off!! I know that I am. I've never worked so hard in all my life. I've never drank as much either. I don't think this makes me a bad person...at least I hope not.
There are thirty something days between me and a Miami weekend and it's hard to imagine that I'll last that long. Just this morning I dreamt of 'la isla bonita'. Walking through the automatic sliding doors at Miami International and being slammed in the face with a wall of heat and humidity is like something that fairy tales are made of. My tongue can almost taste the icy sweet of my frozen 'easter egg' drink from Wet Willies. There is a part of me that thinks this might be the next time that I actually SEE My Dear Friend Irene - this frightens me.
I'm going to cross my fingers from now until Sunday and hope that no one cancels.

V-day

My most memorable Valentine's Day ever was the year I was about 14 or 15. I had a girlfriend named Jo that year, she was my neighbor actually. To the rest of the world she was a bad seed. The type you don't want your kids hanging around because she smoked like a chimney and drank. She did drugs too but that would be later that year...
She was kind of crazy, I'll admit it. There wasn't much of anything "ladylike" or politically correct about her - she cussed like a sailor and was allergic to skirts but I loved hanging out with her. She was fun and funny too! She'd have you rollin'.
This is the year I was crushed on someone that she was actually having sex with. She didn't really know how I felt about him so I tried not to hold it against her. This Valentine's Day however she showed up on my doorstep with 2 big heart shaped boxed of Russell Stove chocolate candy. We sat on my front porch and ate candy and talked about boys and family and life and I don't remember it being that cold but, it probably was. All I remember was feeling really really happy and loved.

Sabotage

It was all a little too good. Much much to "Easy Street" to be my REAL life. I knew it but, I wanted to ride out the wave. I had a feeling one was going to hit any day. I was right.
I'm being sabotaged.
Funny thing is...I think it's amusing-that is when I'm not crying about it. The tears are mostly from anger because I don't know how else to express what it is that I am feeling.
After some detective work on my part I've learned where the attack is coming from and that it has nothing to actually do with me. It's about sad, small people trying to prove that they exist to the world. This part actually impowers me to be fan-tab-u-lous (when I'm not weeping).
I don't want to toss and turn tonight but I fear that I will. Last night I couldn't sleep either. I can't get conversations and emails out of my mind. I tried meditation to get me back to sleep. You know the type, breathe deep and clear your mind. It worked...until my mind was once again UNCLEAR.
On one thing I am CLEAR I will not let this effect me where it counts that most.

Say a little pray for me...

hairy situation

Mini (pronouned Me-Nee) -the threading lady: "You do your upper lip too?"
Me: (shake head no)
Mini: "No??"
Me: (continue shaking head no) "no just eyebrows"
Mini: "You sure? You have really long hairs"
Me: "Oh yeah go da hell, you're gonna have a really big black eye if you don't shut up!"

Okay I didn't say that but I really really wanted to. I just swallowed really hard and tried not to cry.

Ode (err?)

This long weekend was nothing of what I imagined it to be. I spent Saturday depressed in wallowing in my own self pity. I never left the bed. Well briefly, to take a shower, after which I changed into fresh pajamas and crawled back in. I read and watched The Office online and wrote some-here actually but then I lost my connection and it got erased.

I have this weird odor in my apartment and I can't find the source. At first I thought it was the trash but, I took it out and sprayed the can with Lysol-still it lingered. I changed the litter box-still lingering. I can only smell it if I leave and then walk back in...not something I've done much this weekend.

The smell is probably me.

I can't wait for the mooves

I have Monday off and I'm excited. This is the first time ever since college where I've had a job where I get the "holidays" off without having to request it. They are generally floating holidays that you have the option to add to your vacation time. I don't know which is a better bet but I have to say that I love the fact of the long weekend.

What makes it even more fun is that I'm going to see Charlottes Web with my two nieces on Monday. I think that they are as excited as I am. Earlier this week Noelle's journal entry read, "I cant wait for the mooves".

I can't wait either...

Prospero Ano

I'm starting the new year with not only a new attitude but a new job! After a year of looking and looking and interviewing and getting rejected I found something to get excited about! The great thing is that they felt the same way.

I will finally have time once again to write. I've really missed it.

Live to Tell

It started off innocent enough. Scratch that, I'm lying. This is my family, nothing is ever innocent or easy.

• Sister runs off from VA with derelict 'boyfriend' and my five month old niece to live in NY again (and I use the term 'boyfriend' very very loosely). This is done in secret 2 days before Thanksgiving.
• Mother calls hysterical when she arrives home to find the house empty.
• Discover that Mother is using cigarettes to sedate herself.
• Meet my brand new nephew Justice who is beautiful.
• Get hugs from my niece Leah.
• Have fight with boyfriend.
• Drop cellphone in public toilet at mall with NO money to purchase another one if phone decides it will not come back to life.
• Make up with boyfriend.
• Decide to stay one extra day because I worry about leaving my mother alone after she's had a house full for 4 days.
• Cellphone comes back to life.
• Arrive at bus depot only to be informed that the bus is full and oversold and that I will have to leave Sunday night at midnight.
• Arrive in NYC Monday morning at 6:30am and go straight to work sans shower or sleep.

Thanksgiving holiday over: PRICELESS

an you thought that YOU had it hard...

"Yeah, it's not that bad though, even though I have to take the "L" train n' all. I mean, it's not like it's HARLEM where you need a gun just to go to the grocery store".

(overheard 11.13.06 in Union Square NYC)