One cigarette next to a lighter. I found it yesterday in my apartment. I knew it was his because, he was there the night before. It still startled me. I've lived sans roommate for 5 years now and I'm used to things always being where I left them last. I don't have lots of people over so there really is never anything new that is left behind. So, yesterday evening as I was preparing to sit down for a little dinner and mindless brainwashing I was suprised to see the cigarette and lighter on the t.v. table.
Recently, I've had flashes of "us" living in the same dwelling. I've kept these flashes to myself but, I've thought them none the less. I'm not quite sure how something like that would work. Let's forget the most obvious question of where would we even FIND an apartment and talk about how we would live in it together and both survive to tell the story. To date, his place is a bachelors paradise. Lots of male activities take place around the clock that I would never in a million years tolerate in a home for "us"-of which he is aware. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are always welcome in my home for a visit. My defintion of a visit is something that is infrequent and scheduled-it has a beginning and ending time.
As I picked up the cigarette I remembered how it got there. He'd asked if he could smoke in the bathroom-no, wait-he didn't ask. He's asked in the past-twice, and I said yes. This time we was kind of sneaking off to the bathroom with said cigarette in hand. He knows I hate it, I know he's addicted, we try to dance the dance of understanding around this touchy subject. A subject which he hid from me for the first 2-3 months that we were dating. He said he wanted to get me hooked first before I judged him. As he made his was to the bathroom I said out loud, "No smoking" in my whiniest most annoying voice, to which he huffed and set the cigarette and lighter on the table.
Which brings me to my next point. If it's "our" place can I force/request/demand him to smoke outside or in the bathroom? I mean if he doesn't, he's killing us both slowly-at least if it's confined he's only killing himself a little at a time. I don't want to die because of someone else's addiction without any of the benefits. I want to at least be able to say that, "I had a helluva time!".
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Things I wanna do this springsummer:
We all know I love springsummer. That is not a typo, it should really be one word dontcha think? I think I'll start the lobbying in Washington-who's in?? I'm always down for a road trip. So, my baby will be here next week, she's due to arrive on Monday. Spring that is, her sister will follow in a few-as they say. I've been inspired to make a list of things I wanna do this springsummer. This is in addition to the things that I'm officially doing already. These items are in random order.
1. Take the ferry to Staten Island. Not exactly the MOST exciting thing to do but, I've never done it...
2. See Coney Island at night. I'm not touching the rides but I just kind of want to see the meat market action in lights. I want to eat a hot dog and greasy french fries and laugh about how my diet is going to hell.
3. Take a week day off to go to the movies or shopping or whatever I want. I do this every year.
4. Take part in as many free City activities as I can. Last year I finally made it to Bryant Park for the Monday night movie in the park. It was 239 degrees even at 9pm. Good Times though.
5. Find a great outdoor eatery and use it to death all summer.
6. Hang out in my neighborhood more-last year was the first year I really did that.
7. Have Tea with friends.
8. Have lots of after work drinks and dinners with friends.
9. Take lots of weekend trips to VA Beach this summer (Beach and family-I'm so glad my mom is a beach lover too ) on the Chinatown bus-$40 roundtrip-now THAT'S a bargain! (disclaimer: a scary life threatening bargain but, one nonetheless).
10. Work really really hard on my personal endeavors so that in a few years I can do what I want and have what I want.
1. Take the ferry to Staten Island. Not exactly the MOST exciting thing to do but, I've never done it...
2. See Coney Island at night. I'm not touching the rides but I just kind of want to see the meat market action in lights. I want to eat a hot dog and greasy french fries and laugh about how my diet is going to hell.
3. Take a week day off to go to the movies or shopping or whatever I want. I do this every year.
4. Take part in as many free City activities as I can. Last year I finally made it to Bryant Park for the Monday night movie in the park. It was 239 degrees even at 9pm. Good Times though.
5. Find a great outdoor eatery and use it to death all summer.
6. Hang out in my neighborhood more-last year was the first year I really did that.
7. Have Tea with friends.
8. Have lots of after work drinks and dinners with friends.
9. Take lots of weekend trips to VA Beach this summer (Beach and family-I'm so glad my mom is a beach lover too ) on the Chinatown bus-$40 roundtrip-now THAT'S a bargain! (disclaimer: a scary life threatening bargain but, one nonetheless).
10. Work really really hard on my personal endeavors so that in a few years I can do what I want and have what I want.
My time
My next free Saturday to myself is May 27th. This year is SO busy but, in a good way. I'm doing a lot of things that I've been talking about forever. On the one hand it feels really good to be productive but at the same time it's stressful. I can feel it in my bones that this is going to be a great year and that I'm going to burst into my 30's with all this great momentum and energy! It's exciting. I promised myself 2006 would be my year and so far it's going good. There are always going to be slips and falls, this is life not a fairy tale-but I'm ready.
I recently read an entry by Genna that talks about self image. Genna faults herself for at times thinking of herself in a negative way but finds joy in the fact that she is moving away from that way of thinking.
Anyone close to me knows that my self image isn't exactly 100%, so I can't sit here and lie. I admit, I've got a rack full of issues but, I don't want to be like that any more. I know, I know, I've said this before...lots of times before. This time I am going to be pro-active about it. I want to see myself the way others see me. I am sure that the people who care about me don't see me as harshly as I view myself. I'm going to begin to practice self acceptance.
Thursday, March 9, 2006
What's done in the dark, always comes to light
I've read about it twice today. This morning, I read an article in yesterday's paper that told the story of Teri Hatchers abuse and the role she played in locking up the uncle that abused her. She came forward because a 14 year old little girl who was abused by Teri's uncle committed suicide recently. He's been doing it for 35 years. After I settled in to work (or the avoidance thereof) I checked My Morning Tea and there was someone else telling their story of abuse.
A couple of months ago BestGalPal, her daughter The Diva and I visited the home of my sister and two nieces. The girls believe that they are "cousins" and always have loads of fun whenever they have the opportunity for a play date. This day was no exception.
Prior to our arrival my Martha Stewart sister (Sister #2-in birth order) had prepared homemade playdough and cupcakes. The girls spent the afternoon enjoying each others company as they created doughy one of a kind masterpieces and decorated cupcakes made from scratch (but of course!). As the children settled into a lazy day Saturday afternoon rythmn of Barbies and Dora the adults settled into the livingroom. Sisters #2 , #4 and #5 joined BestGalPal and I for an afternoon chat. At some point the conversation turned to abuse-I'm not sure how or why. Sister #4 spouted a statistic, "One in five women are sexually abused". We all stopped talking and looked around the room. I held my breathe. There we were, my 3 sisters and one friend wondering, "Who?". There was a small pause and someone offered up a story of improperity, some uncomfortable moment at a young age. I don't remember all the details because I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, pounding. All I could see was, what happened to me.
I can't believe it happens so often. It's scary and sad. My story is like everyone elses. It involves and uncle and a family friends older son. It starts with sleepovers and dark bedrooms where older boys are trusted to be alone with little girls and they coerce them into playing "games" that make little girls feel uncomfortable. This little girl has a protective mommy who is fiercely afraid that something like this could happen. Her mommy does her best to protect her but-she locks the beast inside.
This little girl has an uncle that isn't quite "right". One day the little girl is left alone for a short while on a warm spring day in her mommy's bedroom. As soon as her mommy leaves uncle picks up the little girl who just started kindergarten and tries to pull down the little girls pants. He lays her on the bed and puts his body on top of hers-the little girl cries out, she doesn't know what is going on. Mommy comes running into the room and her fists and angry words are flying at uncle. He is looking at her like he doesn't quite understand what he just did. Mommy and the little girl never talk about it again, ever. It makes the little girl feel bad because she remembers all the time. Years later, the little girl is a big girl and she sees her uncle several more times. Every time she has to hug him and she remembers it all over again. She remembers that everyone else forgot.
A couple of months ago BestGalPal, her daughter The Diva and I visited the home of my sister and two nieces. The girls believe that they are "cousins" and always have loads of fun whenever they have the opportunity for a play date. This day was no exception.
Prior to our arrival my Martha Stewart sister (Sister #2-in birth order) had prepared homemade playdough and cupcakes. The girls spent the afternoon enjoying each others company as they created doughy one of a kind masterpieces and decorated cupcakes made from scratch (but of course!). As the children settled into a lazy day Saturday afternoon rythmn of Barbies and Dora the adults settled into the livingroom. Sisters #2 , #4 and #5 joined BestGalPal and I for an afternoon chat. At some point the conversation turned to abuse-I'm not sure how or why. Sister #4 spouted a statistic, "One in five women are sexually abused". We all stopped talking and looked around the room. I held my breathe. There we were, my 3 sisters and one friend wondering, "Who?". There was a small pause and someone offered up a story of improperity, some uncomfortable moment at a young age. I don't remember all the details because I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, pounding. All I could see was, what happened to me.
I can't believe it happens so often. It's scary and sad. My story is like everyone elses. It involves and uncle and a family friends older son. It starts with sleepovers and dark bedrooms where older boys are trusted to be alone with little girls and they coerce them into playing "games" that make little girls feel uncomfortable. This little girl has a protective mommy who is fiercely afraid that something like this could happen. Her mommy does her best to protect her but-she locks the beast inside.
This little girl has an uncle that isn't quite "right". One day the little girl is left alone for a short while on a warm spring day in her mommy's bedroom. As soon as her mommy leaves uncle picks up the little girl who just started kindergarten and tries to pull down the little girls pants. He lays her on the bed and puts his body on top of hers-the little girl cries out, she doesn't know what is going on. Mommy comes running into the room and her fists and angry words are flying at uncle. He is looking at her like he doesn't quite understand what he just did. Mommy and the little girl never talk about it again, ever. It makes the little girl feel bad because she remembers all the time. Years later, the little girl is a big girl and she sees her uncle several more times. Every time she has to hug him and she remembers it all over again. She remembers that everyone else forgot.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Money and Class
I saw a woman today on the subway and she reminded me of you. Blonde curls arranged in a way that lets us know it comes naturally. Soft curls nestled around her face protecting her from the cold, making me wish that I was a "curly girl". She was tall and lean, dressed in money and dripping with class.
On my mind
I feel like I'm having a breakdown and it's making me nervous. Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I was being chased by a monster in another world. Somehow I made it back to this world but the monster was still following me. I woke up more depressed than I was when I went to sleep.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Thursday, March 2, 2006
This thing called Love
Romantic love is a crazy thing. It's the one elusive that everyone searchs for. The one need that we all have in common-whether we choose to admit it or not. First love, now THAT'S a topic that we could spend all day on! The first time you give your heart you always fall hard. First love takes your breathe away. When it's gone-you suffocate.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
As told to me:
It wasn't a decision that came easy. She tells me how she cried many nights before she came to peace with it. Peace in knowing that it was the choice she was going to make. Funny thing is, she hasn't had peace of mind since.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.
Suggestions?
11 weeks. 11 weeks until I hit the beaches of Miami and Cancun and I'm not ready. My body won't co-operate. I'm running, I'm cutting back. I'm cutting out-I'm ready to cut OFF the fat on my thighs because, I don't see any other way to remove it. I was just emailed pictures of myself from a recent event and it wasn't nuthin' nice. It's disappointing because I've been good. Even on the weekend-even in the dark, when no one is watching but me. Still, nothing. I don't understand.
Maybe it's my pill?? I had a long talk with a doctor friend to get her opinion but she doesn't think so. The thing is my period is ferocious without that little pill. I'm talking tampon AND a pad. I was tired of walking about hemmoraging every month. This pill has been a life saver. I don't really want to give it up but...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. I want my thighs to fit in my jeans. I want to be able to utilize my entire wardrobe.
The messed up thing is that some days I FEEL good then I take out something from my cute days and can't get it over my fat ass. I want to scream!
Short of starvation I'm not sure what to do...any suggestions? I'm wide-open...
Monday, February 20, 2006
Question:
Does the truth really set you free? I used to believe that it did. Now, I think that sometimes, the truth just stabs you in the heart and makes it hard to breathe. Would it be better to live in ignorant bliss? Who knows?
Monday, February 13, 2006
xoxo Hallmark Holidays xoxo
I can't remember the last time I had a Valentine. Well, a few years ago I had a half-assed one, he picked up flowers at the deli and gave me a kiss and that was that. It felt forced, even then. I don't have a problem with bodega flowers, when you get down to it a flower is a flower... My issue is, no forethought. There is something to be said for thinking it through, trying to find a gift that suits me. I don't care about the price tag-I swear, I mean I'm not giving back diamonds but, it's not a prerequiste. I just want to know that you cared enough to think about my likes and dislikes, my wants and desires. Did you remember the conversation we had when I mentioned that I loved the cupcakes at Magnolia? or that my favorite soap scent at L'Occitane is Miel? If I'm in to you, I'm listening. I'm listening and taking notes and you should do the same. What's fair is fair. I don't buy gifts that I cannot afford and you shouldn't either. That is not my point.
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
everywhere
It was an early Sunday morning. The suns rays got caught in the mini blinds and shone into my eyes, waking me. I looked over at you, I thought you were still sleeping but, you were looking at me. "I want you to come with me", you whispered. "Where?" I questioned, glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand that read 7:34am. "Everywhere" you sighed and pulled me closer.
Promise??
Best Gal Pal and her 3yr old Diva Daughter
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Friday, February 3, 2006
"That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!"
I've been thinking about friendships alot lately. Friends are the best. You chose each other and if all goes well then-you stay together for years. Sometimes you have to break up because well, sometimes that's how life is but, most times, it's friends till the end. Isn't that cool?
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Life
I think I have writers block. The well of creativity seems to have shut off, much like the water fountains in Prospect Park this time of year. Maybe it's not block at all, maybe it's life overload. There is so much going on around and in my life right now that it's hard to separate each thought out and put each one where it belongs. They are all swirling like a whirlwind in my head. My desk at work is covered in post-its; my planner is chuck full of to-do lists. I've even started to put my bills in my planner sorted by due-date and affixed with paper clips or staples-just so that I don't forget. Con Edison doesn't take kindly to late payments, as I found out a few months ago when I received a turn-off notice because I forgot to pay. I don't forget anymore.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
(sing with me) Good morning heartache...sit down
I feel like crawling into a vat of chocolate then laying down in the fetal position and crying. I get the worst PMS. Today my mood has flucuated from annoyance to I'd like to smash your head up against the wall. This switch in mood takes only seconds. I don't want to be Jekyll and Hyde but today that is the role I was cast to be. It's not only today really-I should be more accurate. The monkey's been riding my back all week, the delivery is scheduled to drop sometime Saturday (probably between 10 and 2). I'll take the ride down the river any day than be awakened at the crack of dawn by a screaming newborn but...I digress.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Jason meets Best Gal Pal
This weekend I brought Jason home to meet my Best Gal Pal. The plan was to hook up between 1 and 2 (closer to 2) for lunch. Seeing as Jason usually greets the day on Saturdays around the time the rest of us are winding down, I knew I needed to give him incentive. A reason to want to drag his butt out of bed before 4pm other than just the knowledge he'd get to see my beautiful face. I made that incentive Vegetarian Palate, a restaurant devoted entirely to his eating lifestyle. A place where everything on the menu is for him and he doesn't have to do the "side order" dance.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Boycott
It woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details here because, well, I'm not in the mood to relive it. All I have to say is that four days in the shadow of Martin Luther King, Jr Day racism and racial profiling in America is still alive and well. Jason and I were viciously and aggressively singled out at the Ralph Lauren store at 888 Madison Avenue (E72nd) and intimidated in a manner I have never experienced before-and Momma's been followed many a time in a store. In any event, I am writing to the corporate office as we speak-if nothing less I would like an apology. The treatment that we receive was appalling.
Monday, January 16, 2006
America, my own mother!
"You can't really be that slow"...this is the message my mother IM'd me this morning. For those who know me, your probably on her side-nodding your head.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Another little game...
I've been tagged to be apart of a blogger game by Genna. Here goes nothing.
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
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