Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Money and Class
I saw a woman today on the subway and she reminded me of you. Blonde curls arranged in a way that lets us know it comes naturally. Soft curls nestled around her face protecting her from the cold, making me wish that I was a "curly girl". She was tall and lean, dressed in money and dripping with class.
On my mind
I feel like I'm having a breakdown and it's making me nervous. Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I was being chased by a monster in another world. Somehow I made it back to this world but the monster was still following me. I woke up more depressed than I was when I went to sleep.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.
I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.
This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.
I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.
While I'm on the topic:
All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm
$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)
Email me with any questions.
If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.
Thursday, March 2, 2006
This thing called Love
Romantic love is a crazy thing. It's the one elusive that everyone searchs for. The one need that we all have in common-whether we choose to admit it or not. First love, now THAT'S a topic that we could spend all day on! The first time you give your heart you always fall hard. First love takes your breathe away. When it's gone-you suffocate.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
As told to me:
It wasn't a decision that came easy. She tells me how she cried many nights before she came to peace with it. Peace in knowing that it was the choice she was going to make. Funny thing is, she hasn't had peace of mind since.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.
Suggestions?
11 weeks. 11 weeks until I hit the beaches of Miami and Cancun and I'm not ready. My body won't co-operate. I'm running, I'm cutting back. I'm cutting out-I'm ready to cut OFF the fat on my thighs because, I don't see any other way to remove it. I was just emailed pictures of myself from a recent event and it wasn't nuthin' nice. It's disappointing because I've been good. Even on the weekend-even in the dark, when no one is watching but me. Still, nothing. I don't understand.
Maybe it's my pill?? I had a long talk with a doctor friend to get her opinion but she doesn't think so. The thing is my period is ferocious without that little pill. I'm talking tampon AND a pad. I was tired of walking about hemmoraging every month. This pill has been a life saver. I don't really want to give it up but...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. I want my thighs to fit in my jeans. I want to be able to utilize my entire wardrobe.
The messed up thing is that some days I FEEL good then I take out something from my cute days and can't get it over my fat ass. I want to scream!
Short of starvation I'm not sure what to do...any suggestions? I'm wide-open...
Monday, February 20, 2006
Question:
Does the truth really set you free? I used to believe that it did. Now, I think that sometimes, the truth just stabs you in the heart and makes it hard to breathe. Would it be better to live in ignorant bliss? Who knows?
Monday, February 13, 2006
xoxo Hallmark Holidays xoxo
I can't remember the last time I had a Valentine. Well, a few years ago I had a half-assed one, he picked up flowers at the deli and gave me a kiss and that was that. It felt forced, even then. I don't have a problem with bodega flowers, when you get down to it a flower is a flower... My issue is, no forethought. There is something to be said for thinking it through, trying to find a gift that suits me. I don't care about the price tag-I swear, I mean I'm not giving back diamonds but, it's not a prerequiste. I just want to know that you cared enough to think about my likes and dislikes, my wants and desires. Did you remember the conversation we had when I mentioned that I loved the cupcakes at Magnolia? or that my favorite soap scent at L'Occitane is Miel? If I'm in to you, I'm listening. I'm listening and taking notes and you should do the same. What's fair is fair. I don't buy gifts that I cannot afford and you shouldn't either. That is not my point.
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
everywhere
It was an early Sunday morning. The suns rays got caught in the mini blinds and shone into my eyes, waking me. I looked over at you, I thought you were still sleeping but, you were looking at me. "I want you to come with me", you whispered. "Where?" I questioned, glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand that read 7:34am. "Everywhere" you sighed and pulled me closer.
Promise??
Best Gal Pal and her 3yr old Diva Daughter
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"
Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."
Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"
Best Gal Pal and ME
ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"
Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"
ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"
Friday, February 3, 2006
"That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!"
I've been thinking about friendships alot lately. Friends are the best. You chose each other and if all goes well then-you stay together for years. Sometimes you have to break up because well, sometimes that's how life is but, most times, it's friends till the end. Isn't that cool?
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!
***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!
xoxo,
Maria
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Life
I think I have writers block. The well of creativity seems to have shut off, much like the water fountains in Prospect Park this time of year. Maybe it's not block at all, maybe it's life overload. There is so much going on around and in my life right now that it's hard to separate each thought out and put each one where it belongs. They are all swirling like a whirlwind in my head. My desk at work is covered in post-its; my planner is chuck full of to-do lists. I've even started to put my bills in my planner sorted by due-date and affixed with paper clips or staples-just so that I don't forget. Con Edison doesn't take kindly to late payments, as I found out a few months ago when I received a turn-off notice because I forgot to pay. I don't forget anymore.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
(sing with me) Good morning heartache...sit down
I feel like crawling into a vat of chocolate then laying down in the fetal position and crying. I get the worst PMS. Today my mood has flucuated from annoyance to I'd like to smash your head up against the wall. This switch in mood takes only seconds. I don't want to be Jekyll and Hyde but today that is the role I was cast to be. It's not only today really-I should be more accurate. The monkey's been riding my back all week, the delivery is scheduled to drop sometime Saturday (probably between 10 and 2). I'll take the ride down the river any day than be awakened at the crack of dawn by a screaming newborn but...I digress.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Jason meets Best Gal Pal
This weekend I brought Jason home to meet my Best Gal Pal. The plan was to hook up between 1 and 2 (closer to 2) for lunch. Seeing as Jason usually greets the day on Saturdays around the time the rest of us are winding down, I knew I needed to give him incentive. A reason to want to drag his butt out of bed before 4pm other than just the knowledge he'd get to see my beautiful face. I made that incentive Vegetarian Palate, a restaurant devoted entirely to his eating lifestyle. A place where everything on the menu is for him and he doesn't have to do the "side order" dance.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.
The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.
We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".
I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.
Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Boycott
It woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details here because, well, I'm not in the mood to relive it. All I have to say is that four days in the shadow of Martin Luther King, Jr Day racism and racial profiling in America is still alive and well. Jason and I were viciously and aggressively singled out at the Ralph Lauren store at 888 Madison Avenue (E72nd) and intimidated in a manner I have never experienced before-and Momma's been followed many a time in a store. In any event, I am writing to the corporate office as we speak-if nothing less I would like an apology. The treatment that we receive was appalling.
Monday, January 16, 2006
America, my own mother!
"You can't really be that slow"...this is the message my mother IM'd me this morning. For those who know me, your probably on her side-nodding your head.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Another little game...
I've been tagged to be apart of a blogger game by Genna. Here goes nothing.
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."
I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!
1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.
2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.
3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.
4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.
5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.
Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein
Thursday, January 12, 2006
And the survey says...
Welcome to the new 2006 edition of getting to know your friends. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10am but I didn't get out of bed until 7:30am.
2. Diamonds or pearls?Either
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Memoirs of a Geisha
4. What is your favorite TV show?Seinfeld or anything of the Law and Order type
5. What did you have for breakfast?Water, half of a banana and a little (like really little) muffin that I swiped from an early morning meeting (that I was obviously not at).
6. What is your middle name?Michel
7. What is your favorite food? There are so many...
8. What foods do you dislike?Beets or chicken on the bone that is not really, really, really well done. I don't like to bite into it and then have a vein pop, that is the worst!
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I haven't met a chip that I didn't like.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?India.Arie (Visit to India??) track #5 and maybe Gwen Stephani, Mariah Carey the Platinum Edition.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hah!
14 Favorite drink? H20 or a nice iced tea
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? French Polynesia
16.What color is your bathroom? stark white with a light gray tile
17. Favorite brand of clothing? No respector of brands...if it looks good I wear it. I do love Free People-but can't really afford their stuff.
18.Where would you retire?At the waters edge.
19 Favorite time of day? When I'm on MY time.
21. Favorite sport to watch? Football or Figure Skating.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back?Irene
23. Person you expect to send it back first?Not sure...Mommy or Stacy??
24. What laundry detergent do you use? I haven't used it in a while-I've been sending my laundry out (gasp!)
25. Coke or Pepsi? If I can't have water, a couple swigs of Pepsi never hurt anyone.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? On vacation I love the morning...otherwise no.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 or 9
28. Do you have pets?Unfortunately...one cat-it's a love hate relationship. It goes both ways.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? Nothing on the tip of my tongue.
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.
31. Favorite Candy Bar?anything with nuts
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I worked in the daycare of an emergency housing community, I was a candy striper for a bit...I was a cashier and then shift manager at Pluck U for 4 years while I was in school, I worked with people with disablities right out of school and now I'm working at a cancer center.
34. Favorite season?S-U-M-M-E-R
35. Nicknames you've had?monkey, Ri, Ria, Marie (despise-this one)
36. Piercings: ears only.
37. Eye color:Brown
38. Ever been to Africa?No
39. Ever been toilet papering?No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry?Yes
41. Been in a car accident?Yes, but it wasn't serious.
42. What's something no one has ever asked you/said to you? You have an interesting life. (rather than always constantly wanting to know when I'm getting married and having kids. NEVER-how does NEVER sound!)
43. Favorite day of the week?Thursday-I've loved this day since I was young.
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the reason for dining out.
45. Favorite flower? Wild flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Strawberry, anything with nuts or chocolate
47. Disney or Warner Brothers?don't care
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? any place with fries
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? horrible tile that I'm re-doing within the next 6 months.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?If you never take it you can't fail.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Best Gal Pal
52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? Sak's
53. What do you do most often when you are bored?Eat, write, sleep, read
54. Bedtime:usually in the 11-12 hour
56. Last person you went to dinner with?Irene-but she didn't eat, only I did so - I'll pick Jason.
57. Ford or Chevy?don't care
58. What are you listening to right now?Some electronic sound coming from my co-workers computer
59. What is your favorite color?Big fan of purple-but anything bright and summer like.
60. Lake, Ocean or River?Ocean hands down.
61. How many tattoos do you have?None
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Egg
63. How many people are you sending this email to? Posting to my fans that read me
64. Favorite Cocktail?Kettle One on the rocks Extra Lime
65. Red or White wine? Red
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Any place with a beautiful beach and great nightlife.
67. What do you want to be? Happy, satisfied and successful.
68. Republican or Democrat? A human being.
69. Favorite Family Vacation?We have never ALL been away at the exact same time.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10am but I didn't get out of bed until 7:30am.
2. Diamonds or pearls?Either
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Memoirs of a Geisha
4. What is your favorite TV show?Seinfeld or anything of the Law and Order type
5. What did you have for breakfast?Water, half of a banana and a little (like really little) muffin that I swiped from an early morning meeting (that I was obviously not at).
6. What is your middle name?Michel
7. What is your favorite food? There are so many...
8. What foods do you dislike?Beets or chicken on the bone that is not really, really, really well done. I don't like to bite into it and then have a vein pop, that is the worst!
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I haven't met a chip that I didn't like.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?India.Arie (Visit to India??) track #5 and maybe Gwen Stephani, Mariah Carey the Platinum Edition.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hah!
14 Favorite drink? H20 or a nice iced tea
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? French Polynesia
16.What color is your bathroom? stark white with a light gray tile
17. Favorite brand of clothing? No respector of brands...if it looks good I wear it. I do love Free People-but can't really afford their stuff.
18.Where would you retire?At the waters edge.
19 Favorite time of day? When I'm on MY time.
21. Favorite sport to watch? Football or Figure Skating.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back?Irene
23. Person you expect to send it back first?Not sure...Mommy or Stacy??
24. What laundry detergent do you use? I haven't used it in a while-I've been sending my laundry out (gasp!)
25. Coke or Pepsi? If I can't have water, a couple swigs of Pepsi never hurt anyone.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? On vacation I love the morning...otherwise no.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 or 9
28. Do you have pets?Unfortunately...one cat-it's a love hate relationship. It goes both ways.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? Nothing on the tip of my tongue.
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.
31. Favorite Candy Bar?anything with nuts
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I worked in the daycare of an emergency housing community, I was a candy striper for a bit...I was a cashier and then shift manager at Pluck U for 4 years while I was in school, I worked with people with disablities right out of school and now I'm working at a cancer center.
34. Favorite season?S-U-M-M-E-R
35. Nicknames you've had?monkey, Ri, Ria, Marie (despise-this one)
36. Piercings: ears only.
37. Eye color:Brown
38. Ever been to Africa?No
39. Ever been toilet papering?No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry?Yes
41. Been in a car accident?Yes, but it wasn't serious.
42. What's something no one has ever asked you/said to you? You have an interesting life. (rather than always constantly wanting to know when I'm getting married and having kids. NEVER-how does NEVER sound!)
43. Favorite day of the week?Thursday-I've loved this day since I was young.
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the reason for dining out.
45. Favorite flower? Wild flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Strawberry, anything with nuts or chocolate
47. Disney or Warner Brothers?don't care
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? any place with fries
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? horrible tile that I'm re-doing within the next 6 months.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?If you never take it you can't fail.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Best Gal Pal
52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? Sak's
53. What do you do most often when you are bored?Eat, write, sleep, read
54. Bedtime:usually in the 11-12 hour
56. Last person you went to dinner with?Irene-but she didn't eat, only I did so - I'll pick Jason.
57. Ford or Chevy?don't care
58. What are you listening to right now?Some electronic sound coming from my co-workers computer
59. What is your favorite color?Big fan of purple-but anything bright and summer like.
60. Lake, Ocean or River?Ocean hands down.
61. How many tattoos do you have?None
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Egg
63. How many people are you sending this email to? Posting to my fans that read me
64. Favorite Cocktail?Kettle One on the rocks Extra Lime
65. Red or White wine? Red
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Any place with a beautiful beach and great nightlife.
67. What do you want to be? Happy, satisfied and successful.
68. Republican or Democrat? A human being.
69. Favorite Family Vacation?We have never ALL been away at the exact same time.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
you
When she called with her cryptic clue for one moment I thought of you. I thought I'd hear that it wasn't true. Why does it always come back to you? It always has you know, some how your always there, in the folds of my mind and the curve of my heart.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Comes to Dawn
Last night I scanned my bookshelves looking for my long lost Weight Watchers materials. I found them tucked away neatly in the carrying case that I paid $19.99 for almost two years ago. The time I spent at WW wasn't a waste, it was a learning experience. I learned what portions are and how it feels to be hungry. I learned that I can lose weight. I learned that it's not easy and that there are a lot of us out there struggling with it.
That isn't what's on my mind though.
As I dusted off the Food Companions and checked to make sure my WW calculator still worked an envelope fell on the floor. As I picked up the stuffed envelope and turned it over to look at who it was addressed to, it came back to me. I remembered the night that I sat on my bed and through tears wrote a letter to a MIML nearly 3 years ago. As I sat down to read the letter I pulled out the 5 sheets of pink notebook paper. I tried to read the whole thing through to the end but I couldn't. It was so pathetic, so whiny- so not the person I see myself as today. Today I don't think I would write a letter like that to a MIML. Today and every day I come closer to understanding and believing the words in the poem that hang in my bathroom.
That isn't what's on my mind though.
As I dusted off the Food Companions and checked to make sure my WW calculator still worked an envelope fell on the floor. As I picked up the stuffed envelope and turned it over to look at who it was addressed to, it came back to me. I remembered the night that I sat on my bed and through tears wrote a letter to a MIML nearly 3 years ago. As I sat down to read the letter I pulled out the 5 sheets of pink notebook paper. I tried to read the whole thing through to the end but I couldn't. It was so pathetic, so whiny- so not the person I see myself as today. Today I don't think I would write a letter like that to a MIML. Today and every day I come closer to understanding and believing the words in the poem that hang in my bathroom.
Comes to Dawn
Author unknown
After a while you learn
The subtle difference
Between holding a hand
And chaining a soul...
And you learn
That love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child...
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down
In mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you bask too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.
And you learn...
With every goodbye
You learn.
Friday, January 6, 2006
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