No regrets

I made a new friend this summer. He is a physically fit gentleman in his mid-fifties with a hearty sense of humor and a personality larger than life. His body is his personal canvas. He has adorned himself head to toe in sentimental works of art. He is a father and a husband. He is living with cancer. Yesterday he found out he is dying.

Have you ever wondered what if would feel like to know that your dying, and there isn't anything you can do about it? There is no cure. No hope. All you have is today. All any of us really have is today isn't it? We forget that but it's true.

Thinking about how it must feel to be in his place had me really upset last night. I even dreamed that my doctor called me and told me that "I" was dying. The mind is a crazy thing. I tried to think about what I would do? Who I would go see? How would I live out my last days? I feel weird even writing about this. "We first start dying the day of birth" isn't that how the saying goes? (sigh)

I don't want to live my life with regrets. To date I have only one. It is not something that I can change so I try not to dwell on it. I want to have the courage to say all the things that I mean, all the things that are on my heart. My intention is not to hurt or offend others but to live. This blog is one way that I can do this. It's semi-anonymous but it's a small world out there. My words will ruffle feathers but, that's the point. I don't want to live life standing on the side lines-I want to get in and play the game.

My monday morning 2 cents

I hate waiting for the penny. You know the penny in change that you get back when something is $1.99 or $1.49? That penny. I just bought a bag of overpriced pretzels in the giftshop, they were $1.49 so I gave the cashier one dollar and two quarters. Then I waited the awkward wait while he made the change. I guess he didn't expect me to stick around for the penny because he glanced up kinda surprised that I was still there and asked, "Would you like a bag?" "Urgh, uhm no, no" I mumbled as I reached out for my penny feeling like Oliver Twist. Should I not take the penny? It is mine, I work (okay, maybe not) really hard for my pennies.
My other thing is when the bodega guy charges me for the penny. He'll charge me $2.00 for something that is $1.99. I don't think that this is fair either. My whole thing is that pennies add up to dollars and dollars add up to down payments for houses, groceries, vacations and well, maybe I'm stretching it but you get where I'm going with this. Every little bit counts.

I feel guilty because I don't feel any emotion. I feel nothing, if I feel nothing then maybe I am feeling...it is just that the emotion is nothing-ness. I'm worried because shouldn't I feel mad or sad or glad? something would be better than this nothing numbness that I feel.

The only thing I really feel is that I wish it had happened to you.

Last night I had my first workout at Lucille Roberts in downtown Brooklyn. Now being that it's in downtown Brooklyn, you know it was interesting. If you don't know-I'll tell you. Let's just say, all of Taquan's baby mutha's was there. I know, I know that's not fair but, true isn't always fair. All jokes aside, since I've never been to a Lucille Roberts I didn't really know what it would be like. At this particular location the main focus is classes. The class area is on the main gym floor (the whole gym is the main gym floor actually, it's small) and the weights and cardio machines are on the perimeter facing the class. During class the backs of the participates are to the people training on machines. I actually liked that part because the upbeat music that they use can be heard by everyone working out and it really helped me last night.

I just don't understand why women are so catty towards each other. I picked Lucille Roberts not only because of the price and location but because it's all women. I was tired of feeling to intimidated to use the free weights or machines where all the muscle heads congregated. I'm too sensitive I suppose. I need to grow tougher skin and not give a crap what other peoples agendas are. I'm trying to work on this.

Overall I'm glad that I joined. It's not a fancy place to work out but it will get the job done. I have 6 weeks left before I have to take it all off and I want to be ready. I mean, I'm already fabulous so can you imagine the unveiling?!

It doesn't hurt less because I know your angry. My face still gets hot and my jaw clenches when you hurl out words in frustration that you'll regret later. Even though you said it in a whisper it still falls on my heart like a ton of bricks. I heard every word.

Drunk dialing

Last night I was drunk dialing. Only I wasn't drunk, at least I don't think I was. There was something in that frozen Mojito that did something to me. Seriously. When I got home I had this really strange desire. All I wanted in the world was to be on vacation. I wanted to pack my things and head to the airport. Do you know what it feels like to spend the day at the beach nodding in out of naptime with the sun caressing your body and the sound of the ocean in your ears? Do you know what it feels like to return back to your hotel just as the sun is setting to shower and get dressed for the night ahead? The smells of salt water and your after beach snack mingle closely as you gear up for a night of people watching and dancing. Last night I felt like I should be taking a shower and then getting dressed to go out, vacation out.
With track 15 of Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi on repeat I dug out the photo albums, poured a glass of water and called My Dear Friend Irene. No answer. So, I called her home phone, still no answer. As I continued to thumb through the pictures I took a trip down memory lane, note to self-get rid of the ex-files. Page after page reflected back to me my past. Places I've been people I've known, then I saw her, Nicole. I haven't spoken to her since the new year and my fingers searched for her number in my phone. On the first try I dialed her old cell phone and was greeted by the piercing "do-Do-DO, the number you have reached is no longer in service". I panicked because it was almost 10:30pm and I didn't want to call her house directly and risk waking up the kids or her parents but, I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear a familiar voice, I just did. Okay, maybe I was drunk.
While I was looking for the new cellphone number, My Dear Friend Irene called. Her voice filled with sleep she wanted to know if everything was okay.
"Yeah, it's just that, I need to go on vacation. I can't take it anymore 'rene I can't. I'm dying on the inside. I want to just pack my bags and go in the morning, that's all I want". "I'm looking at pictures of the first time in Miami. I see Tito and Micky and, and-what's that guys name?? Danny right? yeah Danny".
"Maria you need to go to sleep"
"I don't want to sleep I want to talk"
"Okay well, I'm going to sleep"
"Auughhhh, I hate you"
Click.
With a little more searching I found Nicole's new cell number and dialed. She had to call me back. When she did we talked briefly, quick family updates and a promise to get together. She's off most Sundays so we will get together soon. It's always "soon" isn't it? "Well do something soon", "See you soon", soon sucks, 'cause sometimes soon doesn't happen. We however, do have a date and it is soon.

Be afraid, be very afraid

It doesn't take much to get me in at tizzy. This wins first prize. I've known about this colon cleansing stuff for a few years know but, this is so graphic. I'm really messed up over this, I have parasites? I can't even bring myself to look at the testimonial pictures. I accidently saw half of one picture and had to scroll back up. It ain't nuthin nice. I think I need to use my newfound drugs to get me through this difficult time.
My Best Gal Pal's husband is taking the plunge, or rather, he's about to BE plunged. The goods arrived today as we chatted on the tellie. After reading about all the crap (pun intended) that came out of all the other customers I asked, "Are you going to look? Are you going to look and see what comes out?" "I might" she said, "I just want to see if it's that nasty".
No one believes me but when I "go" I don't look. Ever. Yes, I've caught a glance here and there for one odd reason or another but, generally, I flush before I even leave the bowl. What am I looking at that crap (again, pun intended) for?!
So, needless to say I haven't eaten much today. I can't believe THIS is what it took to keep me from shoveling food in my mouth all day. Maybe I SHOULD look at the pictures and beat this demon head on?

Okay, I'm done talking about things that come out of your butt. Now let's talk about things that go on your face. Things like the fabulous vintage Gianfranco Ferre sunglasses I tried on last night. That I plan to buy soon, very soon, like today or tomorrow when I get the nerve to spend the money. They aren't flashy, they are classic and I love them. In all honesty they aren't that expensive to the average person but, I generally don't pay more than $15.00 for a pair of sunglasses. Eyeglasses, well, for that I'll splurge a bit more for. I just don't get to spend enough time in the sun to justify such a luxurious purchase when it comes to sunglasses(If only my job didn't interfere with my love of travel so much). This summer however, is scheduled to be fan-tab-u-lous and I should be also because well, I am!

To my family with Irish roots: I celebrate you

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends, but rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

What are Friday nights made of?
What are Friday nights made of?
Drinks with ice and everything nice.
That's what Friday nights are made of.

What are Sunday nights made of?
What are Sunday nights made of?
Lots of dread for the Monday morning tread.
That's what Sunday nights are made of.

Co-habitating

One cigarette next to a lighter. I found it yesterday in my apartment. I knew it was his because, he was there the night before. It still startled me. I've lived sans roommate for 5 years now and I'm used to things always being where I left them last. I don't have lots of people over so there really is never anything new that is left behind. So, yesterday evening as I was preparing to sit down for a little dinner and mindless brainwashing I was suprised to see the cigarette and lighter on the t.v. table.
Recently, I've had flashes of "us" living in the same dwelling. I've kept these flashes to myself but, I've thought them none the less. I'm not quite sure how something like that would work. Let's forget the most obvious question of where would we even FIND an apartment and talk about how we would live in it together and both survive to tell the story. To date, his place is a bachelors paradise. Lots of male activities take place around the clock that I would never in a million years tolerate in a home for "us"-of which he is aware. Don't get me wrong, friends and family are always welcome in my home for a visit. My defintion of a visit is something that is infrequent and scheduled-it has a beginning and ending time.
As I picked up the cigarette I remembered how it got there. He'd asked if he could smoke in the bathroom-no, wait-he didn't ask. He's asked in the past-twice, and I said yes. This time we was kind of sneaking off to the bathroom with said cigarette in hand. He knows I hate it, I know he's addicted, we try to dance the dance of understanding around this touchy subject. A subject which he hid from me for the first 2-3 months that we were dating. He said he wanted to get me hooked first before I judged him. As he made his was to the bathroom I said out loud, "No smoking" in my whiniest most annoying voice, to which he huffed and set the cigarette and lighter on the table.
Which brings me to my next point. If it's "our" place can I force/request/demand him to smoke outside or in the bathroom? I mean if he doesn't, he's killing us both slowly-at least if it's confined he's only killing himself a little at a time. I don't want to die because of someone else's addiction without any of the benefits. I want to at least be able to say that, "I had a helluva time!".

Things I wanna do this springsummer:

We all know I love springsummer. That is not a typo, it should really be one word dontcha think? I think I'll start the lobbying in Washington-who's in?? I'm always down for a road trip. So, my baby will be here next week, she's due to arrive on Monday. Spring that is, her sister will follow in a few-as they say. I've been inspired to make a list of things I wanna do this springsummer. This is in addition to the things that I'm officially doing already. These items are in random order.

1. Take the ferry to Staten Island. Not exactly the MOST exciting thing to do but, I've never done it...

2. See Coney Island at night. I'm not touching the rides but I just kind of want to see the meat market action in lights. I want to eat a hot dog and greasy french fries and laugh about how my diet is going to hell.

3. Take a week day off to go to the movies or shopping or whatever I want. I do this every year.

4. Take part in as many free City activities as I can. Last year I finally made it to Bryant Park for the Monday night movie in the park. It was 239 degrees even at 9pm. Good Times though.

5. Find a great outdoor eatery and use it to death all summer.

6. Hang out in my neighborhood more-last year was the first year I really did that.

7. Have Tea with friends.

8. Have lots of after work drinks and dinners with friends.

9. Take lots of weekend trips to VA Beach this summer (Beach and family-I'm so glad my mom is a beach lover too ) on the Chinatown bus-$40 roundtrip-now THAT'S a bargain! (disclaimer: a scary life threatening bargain but, one nonetheless).

10. Work really really hard on my personal endeavors so that in a few years I can do what I want and have what I want.

My time

My next free Saturday to myself is May 27th. This year is SO busy but, in a good way. I'm doing a lot of things that I've been talking about forever. On the one hand it feels really good to be productive but at the same time it's stressful. I can feel it in my bones that this is going to be a great year and that I'm going to burst into my 30's with all this great momentum and energy! It's exciting. I promised myself 2006 would be my year and so far it's going good. There are always going to be slips and falls, this is life not a fairy tale-but I'm ready.
I recently read an entry by Genna that talks about self image. Genna faults herself for at times thinking of herself in a negative way but finds joy in the fact that she is moving away from that way of thinking.
Anyone close to me knows that my self image isn't exactly 100%, so I can't sit here and lie. I admit, I've got a rack full of issues but, I don't want to be like that any more. I know, I know, I've said this before...lots of times before. This time I am going to be pro-active about it. I want to see myself the way others see me. I am sure that the people who care about me don't see me as harshly as I view myself. I'm going to begin to practice self acceptance.

What's done in the dark, always comes to light

I've read about it twice today. This morning, I read an article in yesterday's paper that told the story of Teri Hatchers abuse and the role she played in locking up the uncle that abused her. She came forward because a 14 year old little girl who was abused by Teri's uncle committed suicide recently. He's been doing it for 35 years. After I settled in to work (or the avoidance thereof) I checked My Morning Tea and there was someone else telling their story of abuse.

A couple of months ago BestGalPal, her daughter The Diva and I visited the home of my sister and two nieces. The girls believe that they are "cousins" and always have loads of fun whenever they have the opportunity for a play date. This day was no exception.

Prior to our arrival my Martha Stewart sister (Sister #2-in birth order) had prepared homemade playdough and cupcakes. The girls spent the afternoon enjoying each others company as they created doughy one of a kind masterpieces and decorated cupcakes made from scratch (but of course!). As the children settled into a lazy day Saturday afternoon rythmn of Barbies and Dora the adults settled into the livingroom. Sisters #2 , #4 and #5 joined BestGalPal and I for an afternoon chat. At some point the conversation turned to abuse-I'm not sure how or why. Sister #4 spouted a statistic, "One in five women are sexually abused". We all stopped talking and looked around the room. I held my breathe. There we were, my 3 sisters and one friend wondering, "Who?". There was a small pause and someone offered up a story of improperity, some uncomfortable moment at a young age. I don't remember all the details because I wasn't really listening. All I could hear was the sound of my heart, pounding. All I could see was, what happened to me.

I can't believe it happens so often. It's scary and sad. My story is like everyone elses. It involves and uncle and a family friends older son. It starts with sleepovers and dark bedrooms where older boys are trusted to be alone with little girls and they coerce them into playing "games" that make little girls feel uncomfortable. This little girl has a protective mommy who is fiercely afraid that something like this could happen. Her mommy does her best to protect her but-she locks the beast inside.

This little girl has an uncle that isn't quite "right". One day the little girl is left alone for a short while on a warm spring day in her mommy's bedroom. As soon as her mommy leaves uncle picks up the little girl who just started kindergarten and tries to pull down the little girls pants. He lays her on the bed and puts his body on top of hers-the little girl cries out, she doesn't know what is going on. Mommy comes running into the room and her fists and angry words are flying at uncle. He is looking at her like he doesn't quite understand what he just did. Mommy and the little girl never talk about it again, ever. It makes the little girl feel bad because she remembers all the time. Years later, the little girl is a big girl and she sees her uncle several more times. Every time she has to hug him and she remembers it all over again. She remembers that everyone else forgot.

Money and Class

I saw a woman today on the subway and she reminded me of you. Blonde curls arranged in a way that lets us know it comes naturally. Soft curls nestled around her face protecting her from the cold, making me wish that I was a "curly girl". She was tall and lean, dressed in money and dripping with class.

On my mind

I feel like I'm having a breakdown and it's making me nervous. Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I was being chased by a monster in another world. Somehow I made it back to this world but the monster was still following me. I woke up more depressed than I was when I went to sleep.

Last night I broke down in tears over what would appear to the lay person as nothing. If someone had come up to Jason and handed him committal papers last night-I think he would have signed on the dotted line without batting and eyelid.

I'm feeling anxious and frustrated over a few things. First and foremost, I'm training for a half-marathon. This month and next I have to up my running to four nights a week while I simultaneously raise the rest of my $2100.00 fundraising minumum. Yes, I know-this is the life I chose. It still wakes me up in the middle of the night and gives me stomach pains. Next up on my "things that are driving me mad" list is the fact that work is beyond unchallenging. Work is uninteresting and I am dying to leave but, now isn't a good time because of the things going on in my personal life. I really have to wait until the end of the summer to look/leave-it won't work any other way. Spending the majority of my time at a place where I am unhappy and unfulfilled is hard. These days I am finding joy in the private events that I am planning to create a second income and my summer of travel.

This my sound pretentious but, having not been away for a leisurely, frosted drink, beach bum, party till the sun comes up vacation is taking it's toll. With my mother and brother departing South this summer I have left the state a few times but, a whirlwind weekend trip to VA isn't my idea of paradise. At this point I need AT LEAST a week to forget my worries and sleep my pain away.

I'm going to start shopping this weekend. I have 9 weeks left-and I can't wait! I need spring work clothes, spring fun clothes and a dress for the Mexico wedding. I'm so happy that Spring officially starts this month. I know temperature wise it means almost nothing but, the worst is over. I made it through the winter, almost. The training for the half-marathon helped me deal, this is a positive.

While I'm on the topic:

All are invited to my Fundraising event FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2006 7pm to 9pm

$40.00 PREMIUM OPEN BAR (ie-Hennessy and Kettle One)
Karaoke, Raffles included in admission
Lemongrass Grill (DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LOUNGE)
9 East 13th Street (btwn 5th ave and University Place)

Email me with any questions.

If your in the area stop by-I could use the support.

This thing called Love

Romantic love is a crazy thing. It's the one elusive that everyone searchs for. The one need that we all have in common-whether we choose to admit it or not. First love, now THAT'S a topic that we could spend all day on! The first time you give your heart you always fall hard. First love takes your breathe away. When it's gone-you suffocate.
For a long time I believed that you only find true love once. I felt that if you get to have it just once your lucky. It's a crazy wonderful feeling and to be able to even experience it that one time would be worth the while. You could live off of the vibrations for years. Have you ever heard anyone talk about a first love? Their face lights up with a smile that even time can't wash away. It's a powerful thing, this thing called love.
Speaking of which, what IS love? I was raised to believe that love is patient, kind, it doesn't envy or boast, it's not self-seeking and that it keeps no record of wrongs. Over the years I have come to except this as my truth. I have moved away from childish notions of love that focus on appearance or materials things. Both of the former can be taken away. I do believe that physical attractiveness is essential to a romantic relationship though. I've come to see that the personality of a person shines through and often times a person who you wouldn't give a second glance some how becomes all the more attract. The same holds true for someone who you might find to be very physically attractive, once you meet the "real" them - everything changes.
You know what's also interesting?
You never end up with who you think you will.
I don't believe in finding someone to "complete you". I'm a whole person (thanks to years of therapy) and I've been looking for another whole person, someone to compliment me, and vice versa. I believe that relationships are about each person giving 100%, if you don't give your all then what do you have?
This last year I've spent with someone who compliments me. It's been a long time coming. A LONG TIME! They are not perfect but, neither am I. He has a beautiful heart and his actions show his feelings for me everyday, it's all that I've ever asked for.

As told to me:

It wasn't a decision that came easy. She tells me how she cried many nights before she came to peace with it. Peace in knowing that it was the choice she was going to make. Funny thing is, she hasn't had peace of mind since.
When I look into her eyes as she tells the story of how her life was forever altered the line between right and wrong somehow becomes harder to see. My gut, my morales-the "way I was raised" suddenly fall aside and somehow I see this human girl in front of me. Tears in her eyes choking on words she hasn't uttered out loud since that day in the clinic, when she sat opposite her "counselor". She tells me that she's a good girl-she wasn't raised "like this".
I believe her.
How many of us have lives that have detoured from, "Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will never depart from it"? I had to nod my head in agreement-I hope the gesture wasn't misconstrued. It's only that-I've been there. Standing in the streets of my life looking around wondering, "When?" "How?".
After a while she continues, she wants to shares the details with me. Details I'd much rather not hear. We compromise and she tells me how she felt when it was over. As she lay on the stretcher waking up from anesthesia, the first feeling she felt was loss. She tries to explain the feeling to me, "It's kinda like when you wear earrings everyday and one day you forget but like a million times worse. It's gut wrenching-how can I lose something that I never had right?" I listen to every word. I feel as if I've lived this experience with her. I want to reach out and hold her hand and let her know that she's not alone.

Suggestions?

11 weeks. 11 weeks until I hit the beaches of Miami and Cancun and I'm not ready. My body won't co-operate. I'm running, I'm cutting back. I'm cutting out-I'm ready to cut OFF the fat on my thighs because, I don't see any other way to remove it. I was just emailed pictures of myself from a recent event and it wasn't nuthin' nice. It's disappointing because I've been good. Even on the weekend-even in the dark, when no one is watching but me. Still, nothing. I don't understand.
Maybe it's my pill?? I had a long talk with a doctor friend to get her opinion but she doesn't think so. The thing is my period is ferocious without that little pill. I'm talking tampon AND a pad. I was tired of walking about hemmoraging every month. This pill has been a life saver. I don't really want to give it up but...I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without gagging. I want my thighs to fit in my jeans. I want to be able to utilize my entire wardrobe.
The messed up thing is that some days I FEEL good then I take out something from my cute days and can't get it over my fat ass. I want to scream!
Short of starvation I'm not sure what to do...any suggestions? I'm wide-open...

Question:

Does the truth really set you free? I used to believe that it did. Now, I think that sometimes, the truth just stabs you in the heart and makes it hard to breathe. Would it be better to live in ignorant bliss? Who knows?

xoxo Hallmark Holidays xoxo

I can't remember the last time I had a Valentine. Well, a few years ago I had a half-assed one, he picked up flowers at the deli and gave me a kiss and that was that. It felt forced, even then. I don't have a problem with bodega flowers, when you get down to it a flower is a flower... My issue is, no forethought. There is something to be said for thinking it through, trying to find a gift that suits me. I don't care about the price tag-I swear, I mean I'm not giving back diamonds but, it's not a prerequiste. I just want to know that you cared enough to think about my likes and dislikes, my wants and desires. Did you remember the conversation we had when I mentioned that I loved the cupcakes at Magnolia? or that my favorite soap scent at L'Occitane is Miel? If I'm in to you, I'm listening. I'm listening and taking notes and you should do the same. What's fair is fair. I don't buy gifts that I cannot afford and you shouldn't either. That is not my point.
This year I have a Valentine that won't suck. He's being dragged into celebrating kicking and screaming, because, he knows it's what I want. I know also that he confided in a friend in regards to a gift for me. That is what I'm talking about, forethought. Even if you think it's a Hallmark holiday-which it is, take one for the team.
I'm not doing the going out to dinner thing. That is my only request. It's too cheesy, all those couples-coupling over candlelight and champagne. It's nauseating. I want to order in, watch a good movie and be happy for what I have. That to me will be a great holiday...oh and the gift...yeah, don't forget the gift.

xoxo

everywhere

It was an early Sunday morning. The suns rays got caught in the mini blinds and shone into my eyes, waking me. I looked over at you, I thought you were still sleeping but, you were looking at me. "I want you to come with me", you whispered. "Where?" I questioned, glancing at the digital clock on the nightstand that read 7:34am. "Everywhere" you sighed and pulled me closer.

Promise??

Best Gal Pal and her 3yr old Diva Daughter

Diva Daughter, "Mommy, can I have 2 PopTarts?"

Best Gal Pal, "If you eat 1 you can have another one."

Diva Daughter, "Well, I certainly like that deal!"

Best Gal Pal and ME

ME, "Mommy, can I have two vodkas on the rocks?"

Best Gal Pal, "Only if you finish your shot of tequila!"

ME, "Well, I certainly like that deal"

"That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!"

I've been thinking about friendships alot lately. Friends are the best. You chose each other and if all goes well then-you stay together for years. Sometimes you have to break up because well, sometimes that's how life is but, most times, it's friends till the end. Isn't that cool?
My oldest friend is Nicole. I've known her since I was 5 (she was 4)-our families grew up in the same church together. There were others that I was friends with but we've actually stayed the test of time. We sometimes go a month of two without speaking but when we do...it's as if no time at all has passed. Nicole has a family almost as crazy as mine and we've learned to laugh together about it. She knows all of my "stuff" like even #55. Nicole let me cry on her shoulder when I broke up with him. I mean snot and all...she even came to Brooklyn to spend the night with me. This is huge because she hates the city and has to be pulled by her eye teeth in order to make the trip. That night though, she just came. The following year I got to do the same for her when her 5 year relationship made it's final bow.
Now Best Gal Pal, she's the part I was missing. You'd have to meet her to see it. It's not all peaches though-she gets on my nerves, but, it goes both ways. We've been friends since the High School days. We would spend whole days in school together and then come home and spend hours on the telephone. What we talked about? I haven't got a clue. We joke that we were each others boyfriends-we spent every weekend together. Seriously-it was EVERY weekend. We would watch the KNICKS games and each junk food and gossip. I would sometimes come with milk or cereal in tow because my mom didn't think that it was right that I spend the weekend and not bring any food. Once we got old enough for boyfriends they would join us for this friday night ritual of John Starks and Haagen Daz. If boys were involved though we'd have to wrap the party up by 12am-because that was BGP's curfew. I never had a curfew because any place I went was with BGP and if I wasn't with her I wasn't out. My curfew by default was 12am. A minor technicality mind you if BGP got wind of a party.
I remember the night we walked to an underclassmens "Sweet 16" or some such event. Walking THERE was fine it was summer and the sun hadn't yet set. Walking home in the dark (in Eastern Long Island-with limited lighting on the road) was another thing. The OTHER thing being her mother, who we didn't manage to beat home. As we were walking/running back to BGP's house her mother spotted us on the side of the rode and pulled over. We were like a deer caught in the headlights. The only place we had to go was inside the car and face the music. Once we were safely inside of the car she proceeded (using 4 letter explicitives) to warn us of all the danger we had just put ourselves in. She even threatened to call my mom when we got home (before the advent of cell phones). She never called and we survived yet another adventure in the chronicles of Maria and Chicka.
After High School we got out of touch for a bit...she missed some stuff. It's not all good and I don't like going backwards so when we got back in touch I never talked about it. Sometimes it weighs on my heart though.
The last several years things have been the way they should be...I'm happy for that. We have our own lanuage of phrases, "That sounds like a whole lotta crazy!" is the latest addition.
Now, My Dear Friend Irene and I also have a lanuage; it's bizarre-like us. Irene calls herself "Big Momma" and I call myself "Momma". Maybe Irene remembers but-I don't remember where it started. I met Irene's mom before I met her. I liked her mom alot-her I didn't really think about. Her version of the story is different though maybe one day she'll tell it. I became friends with Irene the same year she became a mom. I was a senior in college and she had just deferred her collegiate dreams. We've come of adult years together. We've spent nights out and due to lack of childcare just as many of those nights in. Irene and I do the daily friend grind together. The Saturday morning calls to see what each other is doing or the Saturday night calls to see if you want to share a bottle of wine. We often travel together, Irene is my travel friend and I am hers. When I christened South Beach, Miami for the first time (or was it the other way around?) she was by my side in line at Wet Willie's for a "Call a Cab". This year we are celebrating her life back in South Beach. At first, we wanted to do something new. See something we haven't seen before, do something we hadn't done. It didn't work out that way though, and personally, I think it's for the best. South Beach is a place that we've had so many fun memories. Whether we travelled there alone or together it's the place we keep coming back to for more. I think that it's the perfect place to celebrate 30 years of life. After all, once you've been there you get to see what "livin'" really is!

***
There are so many people who have touched my life over the years-I wish I could keep writing but my fingers are getting tired. Just know that I love you all!

xoxo,

Maria

Life

I think I have writers block. The well of creativity seems to have shut off, much like the water fountains in Prospect Park this time of year. Maybe it's not block at all, maybe it's life overload. There is so much going on around and in my life right now that it's hard to separate each thought out and put each one where it belongs. They are all swirling like a whirlwind in my head. My desk at work is covered in post-its; my planner is chuck full of to-do lists. I've even started to put my bills in my planner sorted by due-date and affixed with paper clips or staples-just so that I don't forget. Con Edison doesn't take kindly to late payments, as I found out a few months ago when I received a turn-off notice because I forgot to pay. I don't forget anymore.
Well I'd love to dump the details of all that is onto these hallowed pages but...I won't-at least not today. I'm still kind of chicken in that way. I'm not really ready to tell all. Least not here anyways.
I'm not sad and nothing bad has happened. Actually, emotionally I've been feeling pretty good. Yeah, I'm still tackling the weight issue but that is never going to change-even when I lose the pounds, I'll have to fight the fat demon for the rest of my life.
In the past I've been told that I can be judgmental; this is a trait that I find unattractive in others-so I really don't want this to be something others see in me. These past few days I've been feeling judgemental. I don't want to feel that way but, I do. I haven't done it openly (I hope) , but in my heart I've been screaming, "Are you freaking kidding me???". A phrase that I often use is, "The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own". I need to heed my own words. The beauty that I find in my life isn't necessarily the beauty that another might find in their life. I try not to buy into conventional wisdom-but sometimes I find myself slipping on the cloak of mainstream thinking. It has alot to do with how I was raised. That is not a negative. It's a statement. It is my truth. I was raised to believe that this is right and this is wrong and that is all. As I've grown more and lived more and had my family life shattered at the very foundation my views on lots of things have changed. I still believe in right and wrong but I'm not the judge, God is. If you don't believe in God that's your business I suppose, I do though.
So I think the moral of this story is about personal growth. This week I got alot of "truth" pushed onto my lap, what I chose to do with it is my deal not anyone elses. I plan to concentrate on MY life and stop worrying about how those that I love could live their lives better. I have to make decisions for me that I can wake up in the middle of the night and live with-they have to do the same. As long as I don't wake up in the middle of the night with their decisions, well, then we're cool.

(sing with me) Good morning heartache...sit down

I feel like crawling into a vat of chocolate then laying down in the fetal position and crying. I get the worst PMS. Today my mood has flucuated from annoyance to I'd like to smash your head up against the wall. This switch in mood takes only seconds. I don't want to be Jekyll and Hyde but today that is the role I was cast to be. It's not only today really-I should be more accurate. The monkey's been riding my back all week, the delivery is scheduled to drop sometime Saturday (probably between 10 and 2). I'll take the ride down the river any day than be awakened at the crack of dawn by a screaming newborn but...I digress.
When I get this way I start doubting myself, and my life and my choices. I get paranoid-like, maybe my boss is on to me. Maybe he's read my print out of George Costanza's "Ways to Look Busy at Work". Maybe today is the day that my gig is up...
Perhaps he has snooped around my desk and discovered how I'm planning the details of My Dear Friend Irene's 30th Birthday. It's even possible that he's seen my flight confirmation for June-a vacation that I'm planning without asking for time first. Did he see me today when I was comparing hotels in Mexico for the wedding is May? I'm sure he did. At least he wasn't here when I updated my resume yesterday. I promise I won't start faxing until he goes on vacation next month though. I'm losing it bit by bit.
I'm supposed to hit the gym tonight and I've been talking myself out of it all day. Ever done that? Tried to convince yourself of something when you know what you really SHOULD be doing? I mean there's always Friday right? But who spends Friday night in the gym? Losers that's who!
Speaking of losers (namely me) yesterday I misread an email from my boss. The email said "Thanks. Keep at it". I read this as "Thanks. Keep it at that". In my version it meant my work was complete. In reality (a place that I don't visit often) it meant I have a crap load of work to do. I figured this out today when the Doctor Lady that I'm working with came in for us to conference and I proceeded to basically dismiss her. Even when she looked at me confused I keep talking. I even pulled up the email to prove the boss man said this is enough. Doctor Lady kept looking at me more confused and then READ the lines that I was pointing to and obviously NOT READING. So, I vow to learn to read a.s.a.p.
I also managed to get on the wrong bus going home at 10:15pm last night. How, I don't know. All I remember is I saw B38 and I got on. When the bus proceeded to go a route I was not at all familiar with I got off, when I looked again at the sign it said B26. Due to the genius that is the MetroCard I could not use my unlimited MetroCard again for 18 minutes so I walked home (granted on the walk-the RIGHT bus never passed me). I walked home in the cold with a skirt on and bleeding feet. Okay, they weren't technically bleeding but that is how they felt. Not only that, I felt like an idiot. I can't even find my way home??
Forty-five minutes till I get out of here and I think me and Orville Redenbacher are going to snuggle up and make this a night in.

Jason meets Best Gal Pal

This weekend I brought Jason home to meet my Best Gal Pal. The plan was to hook up between 1 and 2 (closer to 2) for lunch. Seeing as Jason usually greets the day on Saturdays around the time the rest of us are winding down, I knew I needed to give him incentive. A reason to want to drag his butt out of bed before 4pm other than just the knowledge he'd get to see my beautiful face. I made that incentive Vegetarian Palate, a restaurant devoted entirely to his eating lifestyle. A place where everything on the menu is for him and he doesn't have to do the "side order" dance.
He even surprised me by actually being up and ready to go at 2pm. There was a part of me that thought he'd be behind schedule-(oh ye of little faith).
***
Once we were seated at the restaurant the fun began. As we noshed on a smorgasboard of meatless fair Jason turned on the charm that is he. While attempting to bring laughter to our teenage boy waiter I think he actually achieved the opposite effect. I'm not sure if it's because teenage boy waiter didn't have a strong grasp of the english language or just because Jason wasn't funny. Either way, the one-liners fell flatter than the scallion pancakes that we ordered as appetizers.

The charm did however work on Best Gal Pal. She likes him. I mean they've both heard enough about each other over these past 10 months that it should have felt like old friends getting acquainted - I'm glad it did.

We chatted and ate for nearly 2 hours and then we moved the party up the street to ColdStone Creamery. It was here that Jason, my sister Samantha and I all had our first experience with the Creamery. Before Saturday I had only heard it spoken of in whispers. When a friend would mention the Creamery their voice would drop a few octaves and in hushed tones they would tell me about how it was, "so good" and how I "had to try it".

I have to say that while it was very good-I was so full from lunch that I couldn't totally enjoy the experience. I have to revisit one of these days when I get a craving for cool sweet cream.

Overall, with the latest family drama aside - the weekend was pretty nice.

Boycott

It woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm not going to get into all of the gory details here because, well, I'm not in the mood to relive it. All I have to say is that four days in the shadow of Martin Luther King, Jr Day racism and racial profiling in America is still alive and well. Jason and I were viciously and aggressively singled out at the Ralph Lauren store at 888 Madison Avenue (E72nd) and intimidated in a manner I have never experienced before-and Momma's been followed many a time in a store. In any event, I am writing to the corporate office as we speak-if nothing less I would like an apology. The treatment that we receive was appalling.

America, my own mother!

"You can't really be that slow"...this is the message my mother IM'd me this morning. For those who know me, your probably on her side-nodding your head.

Another little game...

I've been tagged to be apart of a blogger game by Genna. Here goes nothing.

Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" of yourself and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals."

I'm sure a lot of people in my life would dare say there are way more than five!

1. The moment I come in the door from being outside I take off my shoes and return them to their proper box in the closet. I feel uncomfortable if I don't put them back in the box.

2. I can't leave the house in the morning unless my bed is made. Even if I'm running late I just can't...I've tried. Okay, I haven't tried-but I THOUGHT about it.

3. I don't like watching the news. All that bad news makes me anxious. My mom and I always fight over this when one or the other is visiting because she HAS to watch the news.

4. Sometimes I buy shoes or bags because it's a great price. Even when I know I'll only use it once...maybe never.

5. Whenever I call someone (friends/family) I always start the conversation with, "Hi (insert friend/family name), it's Maria". Even though I've been asked to stop doing it-the caller ID tells them it's me.
I started doing this a couple years ago when I called my mother and she had a conversation with me that escalated into a fight because she mistook me for one of my sisters. I just want everyone to be clear...that's all Momma wants.


Now your it...
Monica
Toast Crumbs
Dooce
Suburban Bliss
Stephanie Klein

And the survey says...

Welcome to the new 2006 edition of getting to know your friends. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:10am but I didn't get out of bed until 7:30am.
2. Diamonds or pearls?Either
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Memoirs of a Geisha
4. What is your favorite TV show?Seinfeld or anything of the Law and Order type
5. What did you have for breakfast?Water, half of a banana and a little (like really little) muffin that I swiped from an early morning meeting (that I was obviously not at).
6. What is your middle name?Michel
7. What is your favorite food? There are so many...
8. What foods do you dislike?Beets or chicken on the bone that is not really, really, really well done. I don't like to bite into it and then have a vein pop, that is the worst!
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I haven't met a chip that I didn't like.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?India.Arie (Visit to India??) track #5 and maybe Gwen Stephani, Mariah Carey the Platinum Edition.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Hah!
14 Favorite drink? H20 or a nice iced tea
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? French Polynesia
16.What color is your bathroom? stark white with a light gray tile
17. Favorite brand of clothing? No respector of brands...if it looks good I wear it. I do love Free People-but can't really afford their stuff.
18.Where would you retire?At the waters edge.
19 Favorite time of day? When I'm on MY time.
21. Favorite sport to watch? Football or Figure Skating.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back?Irene
23. Person you expect to send it back first?Not sure...Mommy or Stacy??
24. What laundry detergent do you use? I haven't used it in a while-I've been sending my laundry out (gasp!)
25. Coke or Pepsi? If I can't have water, a couple swigs of Pepsi never hurt anyone.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? On vacation I love the morning...otherwise no.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 8.5 or 9
28. Do you have pets?Unfortunately...one cat-it's a love hate relationship. It goes both ways.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? Nothing on the tip of my tongue.
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.
31. Favorite Candy Bar?anything with nuts
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? I worked in the daycare of an emergency housing community, I was a candy striper for a bit...I was a cashier and then shift manager at Pluck U for 4 years while I was in school, I worked with people with disablities right out of school and now I'm working at a cancer center.
34. Favorite season?S-U-M-M-E-R
35. Nicknames you've had?monkey, Ri, Ria, Marie (despise-this one)
36. Piercings: ears only.
37. Eye color:Brown
38. Ever been to Africa?No
39. Ever been toilet papering?No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry?Yes
41. Been in a car accident?Yes, but it wasn't serious.
42. What's something no one has ever asked you/said to you? You have an interesting life. (rather than always constantly wanting to know when I'm getting married and having kids. NEVER-how does NEVER sound!)
43. Favorite day of the week?Thursday-I've loved this day since I was young.
44. Favorite restaurant? Depends on the reason for dining out.
45. Favorite flower? Wild flowers
46. Favorite ice cream?Strawberry, anything with nuts or chocolate
47. Disney or Warner Brothers?don't care
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? any place with fries
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? horrible tile that I'm re-doing within the next 6 months.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?If you never take it you can't fail.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Best Gal Pal
52. Which store would you choose to Max out your Credit Card? Sak's
53. What do you do most often when you are bored?Eat, write, sleep, read
54. Bedtime:usually in the 11-12 hour
56. Last person you went to dinner with?Irene-but she didn't eat, only I did so - I'll pick Jason.
57. Ford or Chevy?don't care
58. What are you listening to right now?Some electronic sound coming from my co-workers computer
59. What is your favorite color?Big fan of purple-but anything bright and summer like.
60. Lake, Ocean or River?Ocean hands down.
61. How many tattoos do you have?None
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?Egg
63. How many people are you sending this email to? Posting to my fans that read me
64. Favorite Cocktail?Kettle One on the rocks Extra Lime
65. Red or White wine? Red
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-a-way? Any place with a beautiful beach and great nightlife.
67. What do you want to be? Happy, satisfied and successful.
68. Republican or Democrat? A human being.
69. Favorite Family Vacation?We have never ALL been away at the exact same time.

you

When she called with her cryptic clue for one moment I thought of you. I thought I'd hear that it wasn't true. Why does it always come back to you? It always has you know, some how your always there, in the folds of my mind and the curve of my heart.

Comes to Dawn

Last night I scanned my bookshelves looking for my long lost Weight Watchers materials. I found them tucked away neatly in the carrying case that I paid $19.99 for almost two years ago. The time I spent at WW wasn't a waste, it was a learning experience. I learned what portions are and how it feels to be hungry. I learned that I can lose weight. I learned that it's not easy and that there are a lot of us out there struggling with it.
That isn't what's on my mind though.
As I dusted off the Food Companions and checked to make sure my WW calculator still worked an envelope fell on the floor. As I picked up the stuffed envelope and turned it over to look at who it was addressed to, it came back to me. I remembered the night that I sat on my bed and through tears wrote a letter to a MIML nearly 3 years ago. As I sat down to read the letter I pulled out the 5 sheets of pink notebook paper. I tried to read the whole thing through to the end but I couldn't. It was so pathetic, so whiny- so not the person I see myself as today. Today I don't think I would write a letter like that to a MIML. Today and every day I come closer to understanding and believing the words in the poem that hang in my bathroom.

Comes to Dawn
Author unknown

After a while you learn
The subtle difference
Between holding a hand
And chaining a soul...

And you learn
That love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child...

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down
In mid-flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you bask too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth.

And you learn...
With every goodbye
You learn.

Last call-Calling all knitters and crocheters!!

On Saturday, January 14, 2006 I will be co-hosting the launch of a fabulous new knitting/crocheting circle. This event will kick off at an uber cool Union Square locale and will be open to all skill levels. For those of you who don't know what a circle is (gasp)...it's a place for knitters and crocheters a like to get together and socialize, share projects and in the case of THIS circle...put a few back and sing karaoke. A circle is kind of like a book club for knitters and crocheters. If you or someone you know is interested pass on the info.

Click on this message to RSVP!

It's all the rave...and you get to meet me!

Jonesin'

I'm jonesin'. I got it bad. I've been trying to hold back the demons these last few weeks but it's getting harder and harder, and I'm getting weaker and weaker. I gave in a little over this long weekend-I had to have a taste of that sweet stuff. I was at My Dear Friend Irene's in the kitchen searching for something to munch on and I saw it out of the corner of my eye, high on the shelf, it wanted me. I tried not to look at it face on for fear it would bring up memories that are too hard to think of now. Now that the mercury is dropping a bit more everyday. I left the kitchen and went to sit on the couch. I tried to concentrate on the words coming from the big screen but "it" was calling me back, wanting me to remember-wanting me to want it.
I walked back toward the kitchen with my eyes aimed at that sweet sweet stuff. There it was, sitting there waiting for me to hold it, pop the top and smell the delicious scent. The scent that brings to mind warm sun wrapped all over your body, cool drinks, sand, bathing suits, laughter. I turned the bottle over and lathered my arms with Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion, breathing deeply with each stroke. I breathed deep and held the breathe in much the same way I've people who smoke weed do. In that moment I understood why they do it like that, you need it in you, to be a part of you, to last.

Time flies-and sometimes your not even having fun...

I guess it's time for reflecting huh? Thinking about all the ways 2005 sucked and how 2006 is going to be wonderful and fabulous and yadda, yadda, yadda. I mean, 2005 did suck and in my opinion MY 2006 IS going to be fabulous. I'm just kind of tired of saying it out loud-Let's get it started!
I have such a fan-tabulous year planned. Planned is the operative word-nothing to date has ever really gone "as planned" in my life. This some how doesn't deter me from planning though. I'm pretty much booked all year although, things don't really start rolling until April. This year my friends and I will begin to turn "A certain age". I don't official cross that bridge until 2007 but I'm still close enough to feel the fire and smell the smoke. I'm coming to terms with it, no really I am. When I arrive I'm preparing myself to feel nothing less than blessed. Some people in my life didn't make it to 30-sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Then I feel foolish because every day is really a precious gift.
Next subject.
Tomorrow night is the big night. The biggest night of the year for most. In October the whispers start and by Thanksgiving most people "have a place". By this I mean, they know where they are spending New Years Eve. They've paid the big bucks to stand elbow to elbow in a building full of sweaty, drunk strangers and celebrate the passing of the old and the birth of the new.
In years passed, I've frantically searched for "some place to go" and "some thing to wear" and actually felt anxiety. I used to believe that how one spent New Years Eve was indicative of what the anticipated year held. I don't really believe that anymore.
Last New Years Eve by no fault of my own, (actually maybe it was-I made plans with a liar) I spent the evening alone. It made me sad on so many levels. I've been alone at night before...that wasn't it. It was the fact that I made plans with this guy who basically stood me up-on New Years Eve of all nights. He never really apologized for it either, not in the way I wanted to hear. We were in telephone contact all night but he couldn't seem to break himself away from his friends so that we could go out-and he didn't want me to come to where he was with his friends because of some lame excuse. Last New Years Eve as I rejected an invitation from a girlfriend to a house party moments after realizing that I was going to spend the night alone I laid on my bed and cried. It wasn't just the fact that I'd bought a new outfit and new makeup or that I was already dressed when I realized (and then decided) I wasn't going anywhere. It was the silence that was screaming in my apartment that made me cry. Rewinding MIML that had come to naught. It was watching in silence all the smiling people in Times Square on the television that I couldn't bare to hear laughing and enjoying themselves. They seemed to be mocking my feelings of abandonment. It was knowing my friends were all "some where" doing "some thing" and I couldn't bring myself to call them in tears and ruin their night. I couldn't bear to call and have them think of me as I felt in those moments as I lay there.
This year I've decided that I'm going to take it easy this year. I haven't bought an outfit, I'm not obsessing. I have asked a few people what they will be up to because well, old habits die hard. The thing is I'm not really feeling crazy because I don't have plans set in stone. I'm feeling like-I'll go where the night takes me and I'll be sure to report back all the gory details come Tuesday. This is my life, if you know nothing you KNOW there WILL be details.

Well kids, If you don't be good be careful!

Good Night and Good Luck in the New Year!

Christmas Day 2005

Santa brought me what I wanted this year. He allowed my family to stop dissing the functional and just pretend to be normal for a few hours.
Even when my dad arrived drunk and without a formal invitation to the Christmas Eve gathering we still all made it through the evening. Behind frozen smiles, avoiding each others eyes we lost ourselves in the childrens joy and we made it through. Putting it out there like that it might still seem a bit dysfunctional to some but to me it's progress. We haven't ever been able to do that. At some point someone just can't keep it together and they go off the deep end.
I've come to believe that happiness is something that you create-in some ways it's a figment of your imagination(The mind after all is a powerful thing). If this is true than we did a good job. We used our brains! (Mothers across the globe had their wish come true-a child used their brain). Speaking to my sisters prior to last night I made them aware of my expectation for Christmas Eve. I wanted to have a nice day-a day without drama. We were all in one accord in this regard. I'm glad that everyone prepared their hearts and minds before arriving and that we all stuck to the goal.

Wish I was here...

I still stand behind 'em-only now I'm on my knees...

Praying to God to-MAKE IT STOP! Pretty pretty please make it stop. I'll never complain about the transit system again, not even when the "G" train is referred to as Brigadoon-appearing out of the mist once every 100 years. I promise. I'm sleep deprived, I haven't finished Christmas shopping and my mom is coming into the city via Greyhound within the next 24 hours.
There is something that brings me solace though...the fact that my family isn't the only dysfunctional thing going on this holiday season. This year everyone gets to taste it.

Today is Wednesday

I spent all day yesterday at my friends house. Instead of fighting our way into Manhattan to our respective places of employment we set up shop in her livingroom. I manned the pc and she took over the laptop. With the local news channel as our backdrop we chatted and worked. We DID actually work. I even made my 12:30pm deadline. After putting in our unofficial hourage we devoured cheap chinese, homemade brownies and milk.
Today I'm back to the traditional grindstone. I got up early, showered quickly, dressed in clothes that appeared to be in the same color scheme and stumbled into the dark cold morning. This morning though I had no cramped train ride to dread, I didn't have to let a train or two pass because they were too full. Today there were no trains. The Transit Workers Union is on strike, they feel as if they are being short changed by the MTA. I stand behind them, I do, I support them. They deserve basic human kindness and consideration. Mayor Bloomberg is way off base in some of the things that he has said thus far, in my humble opinion. This is not however the time nor the place.
Today I tried to work really hard and stay focused all day but-not really happening. My To Do list keeps running around in my head and it's on repeat. I still need a "little something" for this one and a gift bag for "that one" and other random things. I'm not even really sure what day it is. Every day this week has seemed like a week in and of itself. I keep thinking that Friday is Christmas Eve and freaking out-but then I remember, it's Saturday and I take a breath. Friday my mom and brother will be up from VA. Saturday and Sunday my whole family will be together, there will be plenty of time to freak out.

It's Monday,

and Mondays are always tough. This really touched me this morning.

Come back home wit' me for a little bit...

On Saturday I dropped off four rolls of seriously neglected film. They have been sitting in my apartment for a while. They chronical various time periods this summer. I've been dying to see how they turned out but laziness has kept me forgetting to develop them. Last night I picked them up along with about $200.00 worth of goods and merchandise for the various children in my life (stop having kids people...no seriously).
I thought I'd take you on a trip down memory lane today. Trips are always fun right? Tonight I leave for a trip to D.C. I'm going to reunite with the 6 young girls I mentored on a 8 day backpacking trip in West Virginia this summer. The experience is one that I will never forget. Myself and other mentor are driving down tonight and are scheduled to meet 3-4 of the girls and their youth leader tomorrow for an afternoon about town. I'm really excited to see the girls, we have been in touch since the trip in August and some of them are doing better than others.
They appear in the photos.
And so it begins...

This is Naliyah (Leah) my baby niece...isn't she the cutest!

This is a picture of Hannah and Noelle, my other nieces. Hannah is the one leaning on her hands. Her sister is next to her.



My brother Matt...



Jason and I...he would probably stop talking to me if he knew I posted this. It's not a flattering picture of him...I look okay though...




Halloween this year...



This is the heavy hitter-My little cousin Jayson. He was born 11 lbs at birth and fit clothing for a 3 month old coming home from the hospital. He was delivered naturally (ouch?).








This is the group that I am going to see this weekend.

On this cold winter day I'm going to leave with the money shot. The BBQ, the epidemy of what summer is all about. These next few months are going to be hard and I need all the happy thoughts I can hold with both hands.

Here's to Summer! We love you, and miss you, come back soon now ya' hear!

This little piggy goes crack, crack, crack all the way to the Orthopedist

Once again, if it can happen it will happen to me. Three weeks into the training season for the race in April and I break a toe last night. Yes folks, didn't think you could break those little buggers did you? Well, Miss. Maria figured it out-yes, y'all she did.
How? you ask? Well I'll tell you. I was in the bathroom hanging christmas lights (yes-the bathroom). I thought the bathroom would be a nice place for white lights because it would be decoration and a night light all in one. So I pulled the step stool into the bathroom, climbed up and was on my way to creating my masterpiece. After I hung the lights on the top of the window, I heard my phone ringing to Jason's ringtone. I jumped down, answered the phone and headed back to the bathroom. I climbed back on the step stool holding my phone in place with my shoulder so my hands would be free to arrange the lights. I kind of remember thinking, I should stop this isn't going to work with me on the phone. I remember laughing at something Jason said and trying to step down off the step stool, but feeling off balance and then reaching out for the (plastic) towel rack. The next thing I felt was the scrap of the plastic dowel as it slid up my forearm and the fire in my toe. I dropped the phone and tried to stand upright but pain shot through my foot. At that point, I couldn't pinpoint the source of the pain. I could hear Jason yelling my name into the phone but I couldn't respond because I'd been knocked senseless in agony.
When I finally found my voice I searched for the phone under the random clothing pieces that had slid off the towel rack when it fell. I reassured Jason that I was indeed going to live but not without some pain. I held some frozen vegetables for lack of ice cubes on my foot for a little while then went to bed.
Even before I had my X-ray at work today I knew it was broken. I broke another toe when I was in college, same foot. You don't forget the pain-it's like a stubbed toe that won't quit.
I'm feeling really sad because I'm not sure what this means in terms of training. I don't belong to a gym and I can't really AFFORD to belong to one. All of our training is outdoors. I'm scheduled to see an orthopedist Friday so-I guess she'll let me know what will or will not be.
I refuse to give up...even if I have to walk I plan to be out there with the best of 'em.

Maybe it's all I need...

This weekend I spent a few hours with my nieces Noelle and Hannah. They are five and four respectively. As we waited for my brother in law and sister to finish checking out at Kohl's Hannah looked over at me and informed me that she was getting me something for Christmas. Hannah being the pip that she is had me hooked in anticipation.
"Really?" I asked. "Well, I'm getting you something too, what are you getting me?".
"A wedding dress" she replied without batting an eye. I tried to keep a straight face but the corners of my mouth were twitching. "Why are you getting me a wedding dress Hannah?" "Because I want you to wear one tomorrow". Then Noelle turns to me and asks me if I had a brush. I told her that I do but I didn't bring it with me, I only have a comb. Noelle pauses from playing with the doll in her hand and says, "I'm going to get you a brush...AND a comb".

Maybe THIS is what my life has been missing...

From the mouth of babes.

Calling all Knitters and Crocheters...

On Saturday, January 14, 2006 I will be co-hosting the launch of a fabulous new knitting/crocheting circle. This event will kick off at an uber cool Union Square locale and will be open to all skill levels. For those of you who don't know what a circle is (gasp)...it's a place for knitters and crocheters a like to get together and socialize, share projects and in the case of THIS circle...put a few back and sing karaoke. A circle is kind of like a book club for knitters and crocheters. If you or someone you know is interested email me and I will make sure that you are on the list for the official invite.

It's all the rave...and you get to meet me!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Sunday evening Jason suggested we "go see the tree". I've only actually "seen the tree" a handful of times and it seemed like a nice way to wrap up the weekend. We arrived around 9:00pm and Rockefeller Center was bustling with activity. Familes, lovers and other groups huddled together in the cold to snap shots with the famous tree as the backdrop. The plaza was set up with angel and heart figurines perfect for posing with. Even Sponge Bob and Santa were there willing to take a picture with you for $7.00. Even we got in on the action.
As we looked down on the ice skaters in the rink Jason had an "ah-ha" moment. He decided we needed to ice skate to complete the experience. I tried to explain to him that I can't even rollerskate and that me on ice with razor blades on my feet is just asking for trouble. I pointed to The Rock Center Cafe and suggested a drink, on ME even. I tried to convince him that HE should definetly do it-don't let me stop the fun. I'll take lots of pictures and smile and wave. He finally conceded but, I felt bad. He was like a little boy who wants to show you his latest trick and I was saying I didn't have time. So, I agreed.
$50.00 later we were strapped into your every own ice skates and headed out to the rink. The moment my foot touched the ice my life flashed before my eyes. Suddenly the rink that I had boldly proclaimed looked so small upstairs looked like acres of unchartered land. About an hour into the experience Jason was able to pry my cold, alive hands from the side of the rink and hand in hand we made the best of it. I wasn't the only one out there who looked like a fish out of water, and for that I was thankful. I didn't fall once, which is more than I could say for the woman who broke her ankle right in front of me.
When we wrapped up the night it was 12:00 am and we (okay, it was me) were hungry. After stopped off for a something to fill the void he dropped me home. As I snuggled into bed visions of sugar plums danced in my head.

Sometimes you don't know what you got-even when it's gone

"And every time I see him put the bottle to his mouth he doesn't suck out of it-it sucks outof him" -One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Rumor has it your up to your old tricks

Trying to fill your soul

with your liquid gold

So many years

So many tears

still hasn't lost it's hold

yet it's all you have left

Family gone

Home gone

Health gone

Nothing remains and you still refuse to change

Thanksgiving Update

The essay section (read previous post) went well. I passed and that is what really counts.

Before I go there though, I should start at the beginning. I guess I should start at the part where the un-insured rental car that we were driving got hit on the Verazzano Bridge. After that, I'll tell you about how we missed the turn onto Route 13 after the Delaware Memorial Bridge and wound up driving 3 hours out of our way.

So...yeah...we got hit. Jason was driving the way he usually does, like a bat outta hell and I was trying to find my happy place so I didn't say anything to agitate him. Okay, maybe he's not THAT bad but you don't really want to mess with him when he's driving...he's a man on a mission when he's behind the wheel. A James Bond mission that is.

What had happened was...I'm really not sure actually because I have this bad habit of not paying attention when I'm being chauffered. What I do remember is-us stopping short and feeling the car behind us hit us ever so gently from behind followed immediately with a gentle cracking sound. The next sound that I remember hearing is Jason's voice as his vocabulary exploded into four letter words and him jumping out of the car screaming at the top of his lungs, "But it's a rental, it's a RENTAL MAN". Highway patrol found us and did the necessary paper work and sent us on our way. The fate that would await us upon returning the car loomed in the back of our minds but we journeyed on.

Journey we did do...five hours later on I-95 my mom called to see how things were and how close we were. When we mentioned that we were still on I-95 she informed us that we were indeed headed in the right direction but that we had missed our turn for a more direct trip. Mom informed us that we could continue but that she would consult her map and give us a call back. She also informed us to never take a trip without a map again.

Once we arrived in Virginia things went smoothly. My mom's friend almost didn't come because he knew that my siblings and I would be there. I guess he was afraid we'd burn him at the stake or something. This didn't make me happy though because it made my mom sad so, I did the noble thing. I called him and asked politely (as politely as I could) if he could make sure to arrive in a timely fashion. He missed the day due to transportation gliches with Greyhound but he finally made it. That made my mom happy and so that made me happy.
My brother was really glad to see his friends from New York that came up with us. They were inseparable for the whole time that we were there. Jason never missed a beat, you would have thought that he'd been around for years. The food was delish and everyone was happy. It was a very nice holiday overall.

Epilogue

Jason gave a $200.00 deposit towards damages that are estimated to be between $500.00 and $1000.00. He will be billed for the balance.

My Thanksgiving Promise

I've been penning my thoughts the last few days...like in the old days. I sometimes transfer my thoughts from the notebook to the big screen but today I'm not in the mood for all the work.
Thanksgiving is moments away. The actual day that is, this past Saturday I celebrated thanksgiving with my dad and sisters and their children. It went well, uneventful. Family gatherings rarely go uneventfully but I'm thankful that it did. It almost didn't, it could have gotten ugly-I was a big girl though I didn't take the bait. When my sister's new guy friend got snotty I didn't rip him a new one-like I wanted to, no, I just smiled and pretended he didn't just use a "tone" with me. He truly had nerve but I'm not going to go there. The day overall was good. If this Thanksgiving Holiday is being divided like a Mid-term exam that was the multiple choice. Thursday with my Mom is going to be the essay section. The essay part is always the part of the exam that I paused and took a few minutes to ponder over. I wanted to make sure that every word counted. I wanted to make sure I could say it all in 250 words or more. That is what the next few days will be like. I'll be watching my words making sure I don't say anything to offend my mother and her "friend" who I can't stand. I love my mother and I'll do this for her. I'll pause before I speak, form the words in my head before I let them walk over the bridge of my tongue and through the gate of my teeth. I'll be the good daughter, just like I was the good sister Saturday. I won't be the bi-otch everyone expects me to be. I promise.

music that makes me smile

Just when I thought I couldn't love Mariah's music anymore than I already do she comes out with this.

I haven't lost my mind...

I KNOW it's not nice out but, this is too funny!

April 30, 2006

I am officially signed up for the New Jersey Half Marathon on April 30, 2006!

I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'm going to run 13.1 miles! I am registered as a member of Team in Training with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am so excited about the shape I will be in come the spring. I am excited about the shape I will be in come May when I go to Cancun for my friends wedding. I am also excited to raise money for a great cause, cancer research.

Leave me alone...

Why does every NYC man (okay, not every but you get me) feel that it is their God given right to speak to me in the morning? They also feel that just because THEY speak I should RESPOND. I don't understand this. I just want to walk in peace.
I mean did you see your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife off with as much gusto as your using to get my attention this morning? I dare say you did not.
When I am walking down the sidewalk and I CLEARLY see you and do NOT make any attempt to acknowledge you, let me be. You invading my personal space to yell Good Morning over what you assume are working headphones does not make me want you. Ps-the headphones aren't even attached to a working device. They are just a deterant for the likes of men like you...obviously you didn't get the memo.
I'm flattered you find me so breathtaking that you must make you rpresence known to me. I would be more flattered if you would just smile and nod. It lets me know you saw me and it lets you know I saw you. Then we move on. You go home to your family or work or wherever you're going and have a nice life.
When you agitate me like this it takes me awhile to calm down and get my attitude back on track. That pisses Momma off.

Suburbia

Before everything happened on Saturday I was headed home to Long Gisland. I use the term home loosely. In this case, home only connotates place of birth and growing up years. I'm not really that fond of the place in all honesty.
So, I was headed to out to celebrate the first birthday of my best gal pal's son. I made the trek because your only one once. The next birthday I'll see him at is his sweet 16.
I tried to be conscience of what I wore to this suburban shin-dig. I didn't want anything to low or tight or high. Anything that might confirm there suspicions that I'm a fornicatin', drinkin', unmarried city girl. I know they don't ALL think like that but, some of 'em do. I was mostly nervous about seeing gal pal's mom. The last time she got me alone she took my hand and with all the love in the world asked me, "Don't you WANT to get married?". "Sure Mom I wanna get hitched some day but uhm, I'm not going to stand on the corner with a sign in my hand. When and if it is supposed to happen it will". She hurt my feelings with that. I mean it was a couple years ago and she's not the only one who's inquired so I should be over it I guess.
I know my family has wondered for years since I've been out of college. I never brought anyone home, I never talked about anyone. My mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was gay, always in a joke. She would always finish up the question with, "Because if you were, I don't have a problem with that. Your my daughter and I love you".It still hurt.
I dated off and on. No one really stuck. I didn't want to just bring ANYONE home to my family. If I'm bringing them to my family-I like them- a lot. I feel about my family the way single parents feel about introducing their child to someone they date. You only do it if it's going somewhere. That is my motto.
So this was my dilemna Saturday. Then I remembered, this is the children's party today. Last night, was the family get together...I wouldn't have to be roasted at the stake after all. Of course at the children's party would be all the late 20-somethings with their 2.5 children and 2 carat diamond engagement rings with matching eternity bands. They never ask me why I'm not married but I see the questions in their eyes. "How are things" they say. Things are always good. Even if things were bad, do they REALLY want to know about how bad they are? I don't think so. I'm not part of their club, this Suburban Wives Club. I'm a part of the NYC Women's Club. I don't want to give us a bad name so, things are always Fab-U-Lous!
Maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. No, It's them, I have conferred with other NYC Women and married or unmarried (see in the NYC club the married women are a different breed) they know what I'm talking about. It's definetly a suburbia thing. You must be married or engaged by 25 or else. It's not just the Jewish girls either. It's everyone.
I used to feel a lot of pressure. I don't anymore. It's my life. Now that I'm seeing someone I'm sure by next year my mom will want to know when we're getting married. After all I'm pushing 30 and haven't had a kid yet, oh the horror!

I can't make this stuff up...

I have no faith in the criminal justice system. None. I believe that all cops are corrupt and abusive of their power. I hate them all. I'm not looking to be reformed-I'm too far gone.
My 16 yo brother was arrested today. He allegedly robbed a woman at gun point. Anyone who knows my brother knows that this is not possible. I'm not being the naive big sister. I know my brother, he's not "that type". He plays video games and rides bikes, his favorite past time is annoying his sisters. He hasn't even make enough friends in Virginia to have access to a gun (well there is that one cousin...). My brother has be home from school for two days because of testing and holidays, home with my mom. That's why she made him go out this morning. He went to Wendy's to apply for a job.
He left at 10am and called my mom at 10:15am to inform my mom that the cops "had him". My mom ran to the Wendy's - Yes, ran. When she arrived she found five police cars and my 16 yo brother being read his Miranda Rights. He cried as he was handcuffed and placed against a wall. When he was put in the police car my mom asked to sit with him. Her request was denied.
An hour later after interviewing the woman accusing my brother, he was released. They took his picture though. I told my mom to refuse this but trying to be a law abiding citizen she let the pigs win.
He's home now, safe? (well that I don't know) but, he's home. He wants now more than ever to come back to New York and I can't blame him.

...

I remember being three years old and being at my mother's wedding. I had the chicken pox and my face was covered in calamine lotion. At the reception I wasn't feeling well and someone brought me home. My next memory is at five. It was a summer day and I was walking to the store with my mom. We were visiting Nana and Pop that day. My mom shared a story with me that changed my life. I remember feeling the shift, even at five years old. She told me about how the man she married wasn't the man who made me. She explained to me what that meant. I still remember how I felt hearing that in my little girl ears. I felt sad. I felt like I lost something.
I remember being seven. My mom told me that she needed to talk to me about something. She came into my room with a pencil and some sheets of paper. We sat on the bed and she explained what "getting your period" meant. She also explained to me what sex was. My mom drew diagrams of the male and female reproductive system complete with labels. I remember hoping I wouldn't get my period until I was sixteen. To me, sixteen seemed like the perfect age because I would be able to go to Genovese and buy sanitary napkins without feeling embarrassed. I "got my period" at age nine. My mother was working nights at the time and I didn't tell her for two months. I just used toilet paper.
I remember being eight and my father getting really drunk and breaking the glass cover that contained the record player. That was the first time I remember him getting violent.
I remember being nine turning ten. It was the morning of my tenth birthday party and I'd invited friends from school for a birthday party. It was a Saturday morning. We had to set up the screened-in porch for the party because the night before my father punched holes in the walls.
I remember my dad took us all to see the movie "Song of the South". That was a nice day. I remember leaving the movie theatre and the sun being out.
I remember my mom reading us "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" every night at bedtime. I remember her buying us chocolate for the part when they reach the factory.
I remember my grandfather having Thanksgiving dinner with us the year after my grandmother died. He said that he was thankful to be with us that day.
I remember that I never realized we didn't have much money until I was a teenager.
I remember when my parent's separated, I was in ninth grade. We moved into a house that was in really bad shape. I remember we didn't have food. I remember my mom applied for public assistance. I remember thinking I loved my mom so much. I wished there was something I could do. I remember my dad finished rehab and came home. I remember feeling sad.
I remember moving into a nice new house. I remember having the things that we needed. I remember my mom going back to college. I remember her finishing and going to graduate school. I remember feeling proud.
I remember moving away from home and missing my family.
I remember falling in love with "E". I remember being so happy. I remember growing up and knowing it wasn't right. I remember saying goodbye.
I remember when I stopped hating my father. I remember when I started understanding. I remember laying in my sister's room on the first day of school eve. We would peek out of the window and hope the sun would come up so we could wear our new clothes. I remember getting my sisters together upstairs in one of our rooms and praying daddy would stop yelling. Praying that mommy would be able to get some sleep tonight.
I remember my dad bringing home cupcakes for us on Valentines Day.
I remember how I felt last year when my parent's finally separated. I remember the day my nieces were born.I remember the day "E" died. I remember the day I graduated from high school and college. I remember the first time I went out with Jason. I remember how it feels to lie on the beach with no worries. I remember...I remember it all...

The Difference

Alone feels like
Your favorite movie with no interruptions
Waking up without an agenda
Saturday afternoon to do as you please
Peace

Lonely feels like
Your the only one left on the planet
Darkness without light
No one to kiss goodnight
Empty

Things are good

Lately I've been feeling restless. Maybe uneasy is a better word. My personal life is for once, calm. Is this normal? I don't know, I don't do normal so I wouldn't really know what to look for. I just got off the phone with an old friend she asked about the MIML. My only response was, "Things are good". No, "I have stories to tell" no, "Please, I don't even want to think about" no, "Who?". Things are actually undramatic and uncomplicated on the romantic front. This weekend marks 8 months since our first date. Time really flies.
I feel kind of guilty that my personal life is in the state that it's in and the rest of the world (family/friends) seem to be falling into pieces. I mean I've still got plenty of issues but who doesn't?
Last night I had tea and conversation with a couple of friends who allowed me to join their Knitting Circle for an evening. Tonight I'm meeting up with my book club to have dinner and we will update each other on the lastest in our lives. Tomorrow night I'm running, Friday I'll be out with the MIML. My life is really full right now, I'm so happy for that. I remember a time when it wasn't this way. For once I want to put my insecurities aside and just enjoy the moment.

from the mouths of babes

Yesterday after leaving work I walked to the subway station. I ended up walking behind a man with his son and beside a women with a young boy in a stroller. At East 67th and 2nd avenue the little boy holding his fathers hand recognized that he was standing next to his classmate. His eyes lit up when he saw his friend and he smiled and waved and tried to get his father to turn and look and see his friend. Father only turned to tell little boy to, "Come on", because the light had changed. Little boys smile faded as he was pulled across the street. Little boy turned around halfway across the street, his eyes trying to locate his friend. When he made eye contact he held out his one free arm to his friend and started singing what appeared to be a nursery school rhyme. I couldn't help but smile.

Epilogue-If it can happen, It will happen

The money was NOT posted to my account this morning. I had to call the bank, they credited the account with me on the phone.

If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME

The story of my life has been, If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME. I've learned to accept that truth. Accepting is half the battle. This leads to less frustruation on my part when something goes wrong.
Take this Saturday for instance. My best gal pal was in town for some shopping and eating and a day without baby bags. After we warmed up our shopping skills in Daffy's and DSW I hit the ATM. I wanted to have cash on hand because when shopping by plastic I often forget that everytime I swipe the card, my hard earned money (okay, well you know what I mean) is snatched from my account faster than I can make it back.
I approached the Bank of America ATM giving it the once over. I mean I'm a hip NYC girl, I know you have to be warying of ATM's that have devices on them that steal your identity. Although if anyone ever attempted to steal my identity-they'd probably want to give it right back with an apology, "Sorry, I had NO idea". So after my thorough evaluation, I dipped my card in the ATM. This was one of the ATM's where you just dip your card in and take it right back out. I added my PIN number pressed enter, requested $100.00, was then informed I'd be charged $2.00. I accepted this punishment for using a foreign ATM then waited as "transaction proccessing" flashed. I waited for the whur of the bills being dropped down into the dispenser, nothing. I shifted nervously on my feet, "What is taking so long?". I turned to my gal pal who was finished getting her fun pass at this point, "Nothing's happening, It won't give me my money"
"Is there money to be got?"
"For once, yeah"
I pressed CANCEL, nothing. I pressed every key on the machine. The machine went black and started to reboot itself. Never stopping to dispense my $100.00. My eyes searched frantically for a telephone number to call. I wanted to dial 9-1-1 but my eyes found a number. I dialed the toll free number was informed that this number had been changed, I dialed the new number and was informed that, "This number has been disconnected message 5428".
This seemed so fitting for my life, I barely batted an eye as I called Citibank. After hitting random numbers trying to talk to a person, I finally spoke to Louisa. Louisa informed me that yes, it did look as if I had taken out $102.00 dollars but Citibank would be able to tell on an electronic level that I had not. She assured me that Tuesday morning I would be credited for $102. 00. I want to believe her, I don't.

a birthday memory

This picture was taken on my 26th or 27th birthday. I can never remember. We're at Cabana at the south street seaport. All I can remember is that I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday that year. It was a first. I was going to let the day pass quietly by and throw a pity party for one. Funny how now I can't even really remember what had me so down. Life is strange that way.
A few friends decided if it was going to be a pity party, I'd have to open up the guestlist. It felt so nice to be surrounded by people who cared about me. I always look at myself as someone in the care giver role and it's hard for me to be on the receiving end. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve kindness. That sounds sick. I can't even believe that I just said that, it's the God's honest truth but, sick nonetheless.

time for baking...

In a couple of weeks I'm going to dust off my stove and get down and dirty. I do it about twice a year, turn on my stove that is. I've placed my Fresh Direct order today, it's scheduled to arrive Sunday night. This order contains butter, cream, sugar (dark brown, light brown and white), flour, chocolate and all sorts of lovelies.




I'm going to make brownies, chocolate chip cookies and sweet potatoe pies this month. I make all of these items well, if I may say so myself. I don't make these delicious treats for myself though. I'd eat whole trays of brownies and entire pies and batches of batter if I did. I make these treats with love, for others. I myself have always loved receiving baked goods from people. Baking takes time and forethought and it makes you feel special if someone bakes a goodie just for you.