Before everything happened on Saturday I was headed home to Long Gisland. I use the term home loosely. In this case, home only connotates place of birth and growing up years. I'm not really that fond of the place in all honesty.
So, I was headed to out to celebrate the first birthday of my best gal pal's son. I made the trek because your only one once. The next birthday I'll see him at is his sweet 16.
I tried to be conscience of what I wore to this suburban shin-dig. I didn't want anything to low or tight or high. Anything that might confirm there suspicions that I'm a fornicatin', drinkin', unmarried city girl. I know they don't ALL think like that but, some of 'em do. I was mostly nervous about seeing gal pal's mom. The last time she got me alone she took my hand and with all the love in the world asked me, "Don't you WANT to get married?". "Sure Mom I wanna get hitched some day but uhm, I'm not going to stand on the corner with a sign in my hand. When and if it is supposed to happen it will". She hurt my feelings with that. I mean it was a couple years ago and she's not the only one who's inquired so I should be over it I guess.
I know my family has wondered for years since I've been out of college. I never brought anyone home, I never talked about anyone. My mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was gay, always in a joke. She would always finish up the question with, "Because if you were, I don't have a problem with that. Your my daughter and I love you".It still hurt.
I dated off and on. No one really stuck. I didn't want to just bring ANYONE home to my family. If I'm bringing them to my family-I like them- a lot. I feel about my family the way single parents feel about introducing their child to someone they date. You only do it if it's going somewhere. That is my motto.
So this was my dilemna Saturday. Then I remembered, this is the children's party today. Last night, was the family get together...I wouldn't have to be roasted at the stake after all. Of course at the children's party would be all the late 20-somethings with their 2.5 children and 2 carat diamond engagement rings with matching eternity bands. They never ask me why I'm not married but I see the questions in their eyes. "How are things" they say. Things are always good. Even if things were bad, do they REALLY want to know about how bad they are? I don't think so. I'm not part of their club, this Suburban Wives Club. I'm a part of the NYC Women's Club. I don't want to give us a bad name so, things are always Fab-U-Lous!
Maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. No, It's them, I have conferred with other NYC Women and married or unmarried (see in the NYC club the married women are a different breed) they know what I'm talking about. It's definetly a suburbia thing. You must be married or engaged by 25 or else. It's not just the Jewish girls either. It's everyone.
I used to feel a lot of pressure. I don't anymore. It's my life. Now that I'm seeing someone I'm sure by next year my mom will want to know when we're getting married. After all I'm pushing 30 and haven't had a kid yet, oh the horror!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I can't make this stuff up...
I have no faith in the criminal justice system. None. I believe that all cops are corrupt and abusive of their power. I hate them all. I'm not looking to be reformed-I'm too far gone.
My 16 yo brother was arrested today. He allegedly robbed a woman at gun point. Anyone who knows my brother knows that this is not possible. I'm not being the naive big sister. I know my brother, he's not "that type". He plays video games and rides bikes, his favorite past time is annoying his sisters. He hasn't even make enough friends in Virginia to have access to a gun (well there is that one cousin...). My brother has be home from school for two days because of testing and holidays, home with my mom. That's why she made him go out this morning. He went to Wendy's to apply for a job.
He left at 10am and called my mom at 10:15am to inform my mom that the cops "had him". My mom ran to the Wendy's - Yes, ran. When she arrived she found five police cars and my 16 yo brother being read his Miranda Rights. He cried as he was handcuffed and placed against a wall. When he was put in the police car my mom asked to sit with him. Her request was denied.
An hour later after interviewing the woman accusing my brother, he was released. They took his picture though. I told my mom to refuse this but trying to be a law abiding citizen she let the pigs win.
He's home now, safe? (well that I don't know) but, he's home. He wants now more than ever to come back to New York and I can't blame him.
My 16 yo brother was arrested today. He allegedly robbed a woman at gun point. Anyone who knows my brother knows that this is not possible. I'm not being the naive big sister. I know my brother, he's not "that type". He plays video games and rides bikes, his favorite past time is annoying his sisters. He hasn't even make enough friends in Virginia to have access to a gun (well there is that one cousin...). My brother has be home from school for two days because of testing and holidays, home with my mom. That's why she made him go out this morning. He went to Wendy's to apply for a job.
He left at 10am and called my mom at 10:15am to inform my mom that the cops "had him". My mom ran to the Wendy's - Yes, ran. When she arrived she found five police cars and my 16 yo brother being read his Miranda Rights. He cried as he was handcuffed and placed against a wall. When he was put in the police car my mom asked to sit with him. Her request was denied.
An hour later after interviewing the woman accusing my brother, he was released. They took his picture though. I told my mom to refuse this but trying to be a law abiding citizen she let the pigs win.
He's home now, safe? (well that I don't know) but, he's home. He wants now more than ever to come back to New York and I can't blame him.
Friday, November 11, 2005
...
I remember being three years old and being at my mother's wedding. I had the chicken pox and my face was covered in calamine lotion. At the reception I wasn't feeling well and someone brought me home. My next memory is at five. It was a summer day and I was walking to the store with my mom. We were visiting Nana and Pop that day. My mom shared a story with me that changed my life. I remember feeling the shift, even at five years old. She told me about how the man she married wasn't the man who made me. She explained to me what that meant. I still remember how I felt hearing that in my little girl ears. I felt sad. I felt like I lost something.
I remember being seven. My mom told me that she needed to talk to me about something. She came into my room with a pencil and some sheets of paper. We sat on the bed and she explained what "getting your period" meant. She also explained to me what sex was. My mom drew diagrams of the male and female reproductive system complete with labels. I remember hoping I wouldn't get my period until I was sixteen. To me, sixteen seemed like the perfect age because I would be able to go to Genovese and buy sanitary napkins without feeling embarrassed. I "got my period" at age nine. My mother was working nights at the time and I didn't tell her for two months. I just used toilet paper.
I remember being eight and my father getting really drunk and breaking the glass cover that contained the record player. That was the first time I remember him getting violent.
I remember being nine turning ten. It was the morning of my tenth birthday party and I'd invited friends from school for a birthday party. It was a Saturday morning. We had to set up the screened-in porch for the party because the night before my father punched holes in the walls.
I remember my dad took us all to see the movie "Song of the South". That was a nice day. I remember leaving the movie theatre and the sun being out.
I remember my mom reading us "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" every night at bedtime. I remember her buying us chocolate for the part when they reach the factory.
I remember my grandfather having Thanksgiving dinner with us the year after my grandmother died. He said that he was thankful to be with us that day.
I remember that I never realized we didn't have much money until I was a teenager.
I remember when my parent's separated, I was in ninth grade. We moved into a house that was in really bad shape. I remember we didn't have food. I remember my mom applied for public assistance. I remember thinking I loved my mom so much. I wished there was something I could do. I remember my dad finished rehab and came home. I remember feeling sad.
I remember moving into a nice new house. I remember having the things that we needed. I remember my mom going back to college. I remember her finishing and going to graduate school. I remember feeling proud.
I remember moving away from home and missing my family.
I remember falling in love with "E". I remember being so happy. I remember growing up and knowing it wasn't right. I remember saying goodbye.
I remember when I stopped hating my father. I remember when I started understanding. I remember laying in my sister's room on the first day of school eve. We would peek out of the window and hope the sun would come up so we could wear our new clothes. I remember getting my sisters together upstairs in one of our rooms and praying daddy would stop yelling. Praying that mommy would be able to get some sleep tonight.
I remember my dad bringing home cupcakes for us on Valentines Day.
I remember how I felt last year when my parent's finally separated. I remember the day my nieces were born.I remember the day "E" died. I remember the day I graduated from high school and college. I remember the first time I went out with Jason. I remember how it feels to lie on the beach with no worries. I remember...I remember it all...
I remember being seven. My mom told me that she needed to talk to me about something. She came into my room with a pencil and some sheets of paper. We sat on the bed and she explained what "getting your period" meant. She also explained to me what sex was. My mom drew diagrams of the male and female reproductive system complete with labels. I remember hoping I wouldn't get my period until I was sixteen. To me, sixteen seemed like the perfect age because I would be able to go to Genovese and buy sanitary napkins without feeling embarrassed. I "got my period" at age nine. My mother was working nights at the time and I didn't tell her for two months. I just used toilet paper.
I remember being eight and my father getting really drunk and breaking the glass cover that contained the record player. That was the first time I remember him getting violent.
I remember being nine turning ten. It was the morning of my tenth birthday party and I'd invited friends from school for a birthday party. It was a Saturday morning. We had to set up the screened-in porch for the party because the night before my father punched holes in the walls.
I remember my dad took us all to see the movie "Song of the South". That was a nice day. I remember leaving the movie theatre and the sun being out.
I remember my mom reading us "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" every night at bedtime. I remember her buying us chocolate for the part when they reach the factory.
I remember my grandfather having Thanksgiving dinner with us the year after my grandmother died. He said that he was thankful to be with us that day.
I remember that I never realized we didn't have much money until I was a teenager.
I remember when my parent's separated, I was in ninth grade. We moved into a house that was in really bad shape. I remember we didn't have food. I remember my mom applied for public assistance. I remember thinking I loved my mom so much. I wished there was something I could do. I remember my dad finished rehab and came home. I remember feeling sad.
I remember moving into a nice new house. I remember having the things that we needed. I remember my mom going back to college. I remember her finishing and going to graduate school. I remember feeling proud.
I remember moving away from home and missing my family.
I remember falling in love with "E". I remember being so happy. I remember growing up and knowing it wasn't right. I remember saying goodbye.
I remember when I stopped hating my father. I remember when I started understanding. I remember laying in my sister's room on the first day of school eve. We would peek out of the window and hope the sun would come up so we could wear our new clothes. I remember getting my sisters together upstairs in one of our rooms and praying daddy would stop yelling. Praying that mommy would be able to get some sleep tonight.
I remember my dad bringing home cupcakes for us on Valentines Day.
I remember how I felt last year when my parent's finally separated. I remember the day my nieces were born.I remember the day "E" died. I remember the day I graduated from high school and college. I remember the first time I went out with Jason. I remember how it feels to lie on the beach with no worries. I remember...I remember it all...
The Difference
Alone feels like
Your favorite movie with no interruptions
Waking up without an agenda
Saturday afternoon to do as you please
Peace
Lonely feels like
Your the only one left on the planet
Darkness without light
No one to kiss goodnight
Empty
Your favorite movie with no interruptions
Waking up without an agenda
Saturday afternoon to do as you please
Peace
Lonely feels like
Your the only one left on the planet
Darkness without light
No one to kiss goodnight
Empty
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Things are good
Lately I've been feeling restless. Maybe uneasy is a better word. My personal life is for once, calm. Is this normal? I don't know, I don't do normal so I wouldn't really know what to look for. I just got off the phone with an old friend she asked about the MIML. My only response was, "Things are good". No, "I have stories to tell" no, "Please, I don't even want to think about" no, "Who?". Things are actually undramatic and uncomplicated on the romantic front. This weekend marks 8 months since our first date. Time really flies.
I feel kind of guilty that my personal life is in the state that it's in and the rest of the world (family/friends) seem to be falling into pieces. I mean I've still got plenty of issues but who doesn't?
Last night I had tea and conversation with a couple of friends who allowed me to join their Knitting Circle for an evening. Tonight I'm meeting up with my book club to have dinner and we will update each other on the lastest in our lives. Tomorrow night I'm running, Friday I'll be out with the MIML. My life is really full right now, I'm so happy for that. I remember a time when it wasn't this way. For once I want to put my insecurities aside and just enjoy the moment.
I feel kind of guilty that my personal life is in the state that it's in and the rest of the world (family/friends) seem to be falling into pieces. I mean I've still got plenty of issues but who doesn't?
Last night I had tea and conversation with a couple of friends who allowed me to join their Knitting Circle for an evening. Tonight I'm meeting up with my book club to have dinner and we will update each other on the lastest in our lives. Tomorrow night I'm running, Friday I'll be out with the MIML. My life is really full right now, I'm so happy for that. I remember a time when it wasn't this way. For once I want to put my insecurities aside and just enjoy the moment.
from the mouths of babes
Yesterday after leaving work I walked to the subway station. I ended up walking behind a man with his son and beside a women with a young boy in a stroller. At East 67th and 2nd avenue the little boy holding his fathers hand recognized that he was standing next to his classmate. His eyes lit up when he saw his friend and he smiled and waved and tried to get his father to turn and look and see his friend. Father only turned to tell little boy to, "Come on", because the light had changed. Little boys smile faded as he was pulled across the street. Little boy turned around halfway across the street, his eyes trying to locate his friend. When he made eye contact he held out his one free arm to his friend and started singing what appeared to be a nursery school rhyme. I couldn't help but smile.
Epilogue-If it can happen, It will happen
The money was NOT posted to my account this morning. I had to call the bank, they credited the account with me on the phone.
Monday, November 7, 2005
If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME
The story of my life has been, If it CAN happen, It WILL happen TO ME. I've learned to accept that truth. Accepting is half the battle. This leads to less frustruation on my part when something goes wrong.
Take this Saturday for instance. My best gal pal was in town for some shopping and eating and a day without baby bags. After we warmed up our shopping skills in Daffy's and DSW I hit the ATM. I wanted to have cash on hand because when shopping by plastic I often forget that everytime I swipe the card, my hard earned money (okay, well you know what I mean) is snatched from my account faster than I can make it back.
I approached the Bank of America ATM giving it the once over. I mean I'm a hip NYC girl, I know you have to be warying of ATM's that have devices on them that steal your identity. Although if anyone ever attempted to steal my identity-they'd probably want to give it right back with an apology, "Sorry, I had NO idea". So after my thorough evaluation, I dipped my card in the ATM. This was one of the ATM's where you just dip your card in and take it right back out. I added my PIN number pressed enter, requested $100.00, was then informed I'd be charged $2.00. I accepted this punishment for using a foreign ATM then waited as "transaction proccessing" flashed. I waited for the whur of the bills being dropped down into the dispenser, nothing. I shifted nervously on my feet, "What is taking so long?". I turned to my gal pal who was finished getting her fun pass at this point, "Nothing's happening, It won't give me my money"
"Is there money to be got?"
"For once, yeah"
I pressed CANCEL, nothing. I pressed every key on the machine. The machine went black and started to reboot itself. Never stopping to dispense my $100.00. My eyes searched frantically for a telephone number to call. I wanted to dial 9-1-1 but my eyes found a number. I dialed the toll free number was informed that this number had been changed, I dialed the new number and was informed that, "This number has been disconnected message 5428".
This seemed so fitting for my life, I barely batted an eye as I called Citibank. After hitting random numbers trying to talk to a person, I finally spoke to Louisa. Louisa informed me that yes, it did look as if I had taken out $102.00 dollars but Citibank would be able to tell on an electronic level that I had not. She assured me that Tuesday morning I would be credited for $102. 00. I want to believe her, I don't.
Take this Saturday for instance. My best gal pal was in town for some shopping and eating and a day without baby bags. After we warmed up our shopping skills in Daffy's and DSW I hit the ATM. I wanted to have cash on hand because when shopping by plastic I often forget that everytime I swipe the card, my hard earned money (okay, well you know what I mean) is snatched from my account faster than I can make it back.
I approached the Bank of America ATM giving it the once over. I mean I'm a hip NYC girl, I know you have to be warying of ATM's that have devices on them that steal your identity. Although if anyone ever attempted to steal my identity-they'd probably want to give it right back with an apology, "Sorry, I had NO idea". So after my thorough evaluation, I dipped my card in the ATM. This was one of the ATM's where you just dip your card in and take it right back out. I added my PIN number pressed enter, requested $100.00, was then informed I'd be charged $2.00. I accepted this punishment for using a foreign ATM then waited as "transaction proccessing" flashed. I waited for the whur of the bills being dropped down into the dispenser, nothing. I shifted nervously on my feet, "What is taking so long?". I turned to my gal pal who was finished getting her fun pass at this point, "Nothing's happening, It won't give me my money"
"Is there money to be got?"
"For once, yeah"
I pressed CANCEL, nothing. I pressed every key on the machine. The machine went black and started to reboot itself. Never stopping to dispense my $100.00. My eyes searched frantically for a telephone number to call. I wanted to dial 9-1-1 but my eyes found a number. I dialed the toll free number was informed that this number had been changed, I dialed the new number and was informed that, "This number has been disconnected message 5428".
This seemed so fitting for my life, I barely batted an eye as I called Citibank. After hitting random numbers trying to talk to a person, I finally spoke to Louisa. Louisa informed me that yes, it did look as if I had taken out $102.00 dollars but Citibank would be able to tell on an electronic level that I had not. She assured me that Tuesday morning I would be credited for $102. 00. I want to believe her, I don't.
Friday, November 4, 2005
a birthday memory
This picture was taken on my 26th or 27th birthday. I can never remember. We're at Cabana at the south street seaport. All I can remember is that I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday that year. It was a first. I was going to let the day pass quietly by and throw a pity party for one. Funny how now I can't even really remember what had me so down. Life is strange that way.
A few friends decided if it was going to be a pity party, I'd have to open up the guestlist. It felt so nice to be surrounded by people who cared about me. I always look at myself as someone in the care giver role and it's hard for me to be on the receiving end. I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve kindness. That sounds sick. I can't even believe that I just said that, it's the God's honest truth but, sick nonetheless.
Thursday, November 3, 2005
time for baking...
In a couple of weeks I'm going to dust off my stove and get down and dirty. I do it about twice a year, turn on my stove that is. I've placed my Fresh Direct order today, it's scheduled to arrive Sunday night. This order contains butter, cream, sugar (dark brown, light brown and white), flour, chocolate and all sorts of lovelies.
I'm going to make brownies, chocolate chip cookies and sweet potatoe pies this month. I make all of these items well, if I may say so myself. I don't make these delicious treats for myself though. I'd eat whole trays of brownies and entire pies and batches of batter if I did. I make these treats with love, for others. I myself have always loved receiving baked goods from people. Baking takes time and forethought and it makes you feel special if someone bakes a goodie just for you.
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
The First Time
I was inspired to write about my first experience in South Beach, Miami with my dear friend Irene. It was the first spring after I graduated from college so I must have been about 22. I can't really remember how it all went down, I think she might have been sharing stories and some how I wound up invited or inviting myself. Irene did all of the booking, I handed over my hard earned money and high expectations. We were booked on a Spring Break package even though we were a tad past our prime. By the time that we booked all of the flight packages were taken and so we were scheduled to leave by chartered bus. The details of the 26 hour bus ride were not exactly music to my ears but I was just glad to be nominated!
I was so excited! I shopped for days for this trip. I packed, unpacked and repacked. I'd been to florida once before this trip but Sarasota doesn't really count does it?
The trip was a total of eight days including the two it would take to come and go. The ride down was actually kind of fun, it gave everyone time to bond. When we got to South Beach we'd already made friends.
That year Irene and I stayed at the Rose Hotel which is now called the Ocean Five Hotel. I was old in the way that most Art Deco hotels in that area that aren't luxury are. The water pressure was bad, it smelled sort of wet because of the ocean air but to me it was the best thing ever. I loved it from the top of it's non elevatored floor to the bottom of it's badly needing to be changed hallway rug. I was on VACATION! The hotel was on Ocean Drive across the street from the beach, it really doesn't get better than that.
For a whole week my life was beach, relaxing and going out. We made friends with a guy group on the bus who were from the Bronx. We actually used their shower a couple of times due to our lack of water pressure. They were cool guys, Danny was my favorite. We nicknamed him Drama King because he was always making things bigger than they really were.
One night we went for pre-going out drinks at The Chesterfield Hotel then wound up making a night of it on the hotel porch. At some point one of the guys decided that we were spending to much on happy hour and miraculously a bottle of Hennessy, Pepsi ® and ice appeared. Hours later all bottles and cups were empty and we were looking for the next adventure. I think we all went dancing for a bit that night...yes, it's all coming back to me know. Oh, yeah (a-hem) it's ALL coming back to me now...
Fast forward.
Over all the week was filled with laughing, eating, drinking, sun worship all the things that any good vacation are made of. I think that is even the year I had a celebrity spotting. I also randomly ran into two guys from High School-it's a small, small world.
Since that trip I've been back to South Beach just about every year, sometimes twice! It's always a good time. I've stayed at lots of hotels and travelled with different people down there and always had a good time but some how you never for get the first time.
I was so excited! I shopped for days for this trip. I packed, unpacked and repacked. I'd been to florida once before this trip but Sarasota doesn't really count does it?
The trip was a total of eight days including the two it would take to come and go. The ride down was actually kind of fun, it gave everyone time to bond. When we got to South Beach we'd already made friends.
That year Irene and I stayed at the Rose Hotel which is now called the Ocean Five Hotel. I was old in the way that most Art Deco hotels in that area that aren't luxury are. The water pressure was bad, it smelled sort of wet because of the ocean air but to me it was the best thing ever. I loved it from the top of it's non elevatored floor to the bottom of it's badly needing to be changed hallway rug. I was on VACATION! The hotel was on Ocean Drive across the street from the beach, it really doesn't get better than that.
For a whole week my life was beach, relaxing and going out. We made friends with a guy group on the bus who were from the Bronx. We actually used their shower a couple of times due to our lack of water pressure. They were cool guys, Danny was my favorite. We nicknamed him Drama King because he was always making things bigger than they really were.
One night we went for pre-going out drinks at The Chesterfield Hotel then wound up making a night of it on the hotel porch. At some point one of the guys decided that we were spending to much on happy hour and miraculously a bottle of Hennessy, Pepsi ® and ice appeared. Hours later all bottles and cups were empty and we were looking for the next adventure. I think we all went dancing for a bit that night...yes, it's all coming back to me know. Oh, yeah (a-hem) it's ALL coming back to me now...
Fast forward.
Over all the week was filled with laughing, eating, drinking, sun worship all the things that any good vacation are made of. I think that is even the year I had a celebrity spotting. I also randomly ran into two guys from High School-it's a small, small world.
Since that trip I've been back to South Beach just about every year, sometimes twice! It's always a good time. I've stayed at lots of hotels and travelled with different people down there and always had a good time but some how you never for get the first time.
Monday, October 31, 2005
When I'm gone, I want to be missed.
My friend Tracey just walked into my office in a rush wanting to know if I was okay. He dreamt that he was at my funeral. His voice cracked when he told me.
Have you ever wondered what your funeral would be like? I have. I wonder who would come? What would they say about me? What would I be wearing...mostly I think about who would come? Have I lead a life that has touched others in a positive way? Have a made a difference/impact on anyones life for the better? Are there people out there who sometimes wonder how I am?
He said there were a lot of people there to mourn me. I know it was only a dream but that makes me feel nice. When I'm gone I want to be missed.
Have you ever wondered what your funeral would be like? I have. I wonder who would come? What would they say about me? What would I be wearing...mostly I think about who would come? Have I lead a life that has touched others in a positive way? Have a made a difference/impact on anyones life for the better? Are there people out there who sometimes wonder how I am?
He said there were a lot of people there to mourn me. I know it was only a dream but that makes me feel nice. When I'm gone I want to be missed.
The yellow brick road
I headed to Ricky's right after work on Friday to get my costume. I was nervous that I'd waited too long. I waited because I wanted to make sure that the night was actually going to happen. Sometimes plans with certain friends of mine, who shall remain nameless sometimes...fall through. I went to the store on 64th and 1st, it was packed. I was approached by a cute salesman who asked if he could help me. He then lead me down a narrow aisle stocked floor to ceiling with costumes in plastic bags and customers on each side. After many utterances of "Excuse me" we reached the end of the aisle and came face to face with the last Dorothy costume. As he reached for the costume he turned to me and said, "Did you want sexy Dorothy, because we're out?. "I'm good with the old fashion one, thanks".
I kind of did want sexy Dorothy but it's too short. I didn't want to hurt the baby. My legs are not sexy, my legs in the sexy Dorothy costume would only be scary Dorothy. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be cute, at the very least. I think I achieved that.
When I got home I immediately stripped and put on the costume. I looked like an oversized doll. This costume was going to need some alterations. I laid the dress on my bed and stared at it. Where could I being? What could I change to give it a boost of "cute"? I called Irene. She hadn't seen the dress but from my description she too believed it needed some alteration. We talked about somehow adding a V-neck or scoop neck or something to show I HAD a neck. The sleeves were killing me, big, poofy elastic sleeves. One shower and about forty-five minutes later my dress was sleeveless. The next afternoon I would channel more of my seamstress wisdom and create a V-neck. I completed my costume with white bobby socks, red pumps, two pig-tails with white ribbons, blue eyeshadow and red lipstick.
Irene picked me up around nine-thirty-ish. We had to head back to her house though to get Toto and Patrice. Irene was the cowardly lion with signature Irene flair. Patrice was our tin-woman, her aluminum eyelashes were a nice touch. Our new friend Marita was wicked witch of the west with New York style. Nikia our scarecrow was a no show due to undisclosed personal stuff.
After finding overpriced parking we proceeded to Opal, we were forty-five minutes late to the two hour open bar. We enter and head straight to the bar to "get our moneys worth". I think I have two drinks in twenty minutes, then I took it alittle more slowly. My logic was that if I could get 3 drinks down, I'd gotten my money's worth (Hey, I work hard and this is NYC!). None of my invitees confirmed but I was determined to have a nice night out. I mean it was my first Halloween in costume!
We danced, we laughed, we took lots of pictures. None of which I have now. At some point the jello shot girl was offering and I was purchasing. I ordered three shots, picking out the prettiest colors. I remember her saying one was Tequila, I nodded and passed the shot. Irene, Patrice and I eye balled "Cheers" and down the hatch they went. After that, we all had another drink and that is about when Irene excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She was gone awhile, so long that the rest of us upstairs started to lean in and whisper to each other, "Where's Irene?". Maybe she had been gone a while? I nominated myself to go check on her. Irene disappearing is really not something I'm unfamiliar with. I expected to find her somewhere talking to someone. I found her somewhere and she was talking to God. Well, not God exactly, more like the porcelain god. This was a first. I'd never seen her like this before. Compared to me she's a heavy-weight when it comes to drinking. She doesn't do drunk, well at least not where you can actually notice.
Over an hour later, and much vomitting we found a cab and made our way downtown. I didn't want to leave her car in the garage for fear of the tab she would rack up but we had no choice. She was feeling better and I thought we could better decide who was going where over burger, fries and coffee. At Around-the-Clock, Marita and I made a plan, Irene slept and Patrice held back nausea. I would take Irene with me, Marita would take Patrice. Tomorrow we would worry about the car.
We all shared a cab to Brooklyn with a very friendly driver. They usually aren't thrilled to leave the borough at that time of night so, having him was a God send. We pulled up in front of my apartment at about six am. Without words, the lion and I made our way upstairs and into bed without any mishaps. It felt nice to be back in Kansas.
I kind of did want sexy Dorothy but it's too short. I didn't want to hurt the baby. My legs are not sexy, my legs in the sexy Dorothy costume would only be scary Dorothy. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be cute, at the very least. I think I achieved that.
When I got home I immediately stripped and put on the costume. I looked like an oversized doll. This costume was going to need some alterations. I laid the dress on my bed and stared at it. Where could I being? What could I change to give it a boost of "cute"? I called Irene. She hadn't seen the dress but from my description she too believed it needed some alteration. We talked about somehow adding a V-neck or scoop neck or something to show I HAD a neck. The sleeves were killing me, big, poofy elastic sleeves. One shower and about forty-five minutes later my dress was sleeveless. The next afternoon I would channel more of my seamstress wisdom and create a V-neck. I completed my costume with white bobby socks, red pumps, two pig-tails with white ribbons, blue eyeshadow and red lipstick.
Irene picked me up around nine-thirty-ish. We had to head back to her house though to get Toto and Patrice. Irene was the cowardly lion with signature Irene flair. Patrice was our tin-woman, her aluminum eyelashes were a nice touch. Our new friend Marita was wicked witch of the west with New York style. Nikia our scarecrow was a no show due to undisclosed personal stuff.
After finding overpriced parking we proceeded to Opal, we were forty-five minutes late to the two hour open bar. We enter and head straight to the bar to "get our moneys worth". I think I have two drinks in twenty minutes, then I took it alittle more slowly. My logic was that if I could get 3 drinks down, I'd gotten my money's worth (Hey, I work hard and this is NYC!). None of my invitees confirmed but I was determined to have a nice night out. I mean it was my first Halloween in costume!
We danced, we laughed, we took lots of pictures. None of which I have now. At some point the jello shot girl was offering and I was purchasing. I ordered three shots, picking out the prettiest colors. I remember her saying one was Tequila, I nodded and passed the shot. Irene, Patrice and I eye balled "Cheers" and down the hatch they went. After that, we all had another drink and that is about when Irene excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She was gone awhile, so long that the rest of us upstairs started to lean in and whisper to each other, "Where's Irene?". Maybe she had been gone a while? I nominated myself to go check on her. Irene disappearing is really not something I'm unfamiliar with. I expected to find her somewhere talking to someone. I found her somewhere and she was talking to God. Well, not God exactly, more like the porcelain god. This was a first. I'd never seen her like this before. Compared to me she's a heavy-weight when it comes to drinking. She doesn't do drunk, well at least not where you can actually notice.
Over an hour later, and much vomitting we found a cab and made our way downtown. I didn't want to leave her car in the garage for fear of the tab she would rack up but we had no choice. She was feeling better and I thought we could better decide who was going where over burger, fries and coffee. At Around-the-Clock, Marita and I made a plan, Irene slept and Patrice held back nausea. I would take Irene with me, Marita would take Patrice. Tomorrow we would worry about the car.
We all shared a cab to Brooklyn with a very friendly driver. They usually aren't thrilled to leave the borough at that time of night so, having him was a God send. We pulled up in front of my apartment at about six am. Without words, the lion and I made our way upstairs and into bed without any mishaps. It felt nice to be back in Kansas.
Friday, October 28, 2005
I've got alot on my mind but I can't seem to calm down long enough to sort it all out. The holidays will be upon me in no time. I hope I'm ready. I'm starting to prepare myself now because I don't want a repeat of last year. Of course, the separation is a year old this month so everyone should be a little more settled in the situation. We as a family have dealt with a complete year of birthdays, anniversaries and even one round of holidays. This year we should really be able to learn from our mistakes and make this transition to the whole "separate but equal" holiday system much easier.
We are scheduled to have a Thanksgiving dinner with my second youngest sister, brother-in-law and kids as usual. This dinner takes place because they go upstate to visit his family for the actual day. In times past, the whole family would gather at the house and the living room would be transformed into a cafeteria to accommodate my family of eleven (plus boyfriends, friends and extended family). It's always an entertaining time. This year my mom and brother Matt won't be there. They moved to Virginia this summer. It will be weird not having them there this year. This holiday season, traveling to see family will involve more than an LIRR ticket. This time I will need a plane ticket to get to them. It is hard getting used to have my core family spread out so far. Before they were all just exits away on the LIE. Holiday travel planning is much more intensive this year.
For Christmas Mom and Matt will come up to see all of us. Everyone will have to grin and bear it as we ALL spend Christmas Eve together with my three nieces Noelle, Hannah and Naliyah (Leah). I can't wait to see Noelle and Hannah this Christmas, they are at the age where they finally "get it". Leah is still much too young to understand, she'll only be eight months old by Christmas.
As far as gift giving goes, we all buy gifts for the kids. Then for all of my immediate family we have a grab bag with a price minimum that is usually decided randomly around Halloween. "The List" as we refer to it, was posted on our family website this week. Once "The List" is posted we all post our wish list, this way the person who has us for the grab bag has some general idea of what we want. In addition, everyone usually gets a few stocking stuffers for everyone else. It's a tradition that just sort of happened over the years. We always open all presents on Christmas Eve while we eat and karaoke and try not to fight to much.
Christmas Day has never been a really big day in my family. This year it's Sunday so I think the plan is for everyone to go to church together. That should be nice.
Some people find it bizarre when they hear that I'm from a family of six children. I can't imagine my life another way. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by all of these people who share your blood. Now I have nieces and I love seeing them grow up and be apart of this crazy family of mine. They have all this love surrounding them. Three little girls with six aunts and two uncles (if I include aunts and uncles by marriage) in their immediate family. That is amazing.
I didn't have a perfect childhood but it's over and most days when I think back I have a lot of fond memories. I know you can only shelter children from so much in this world but I wish I could let my nieces have only happy days. When my they think back on their lives, I want the only memories that they feel or remember is to be how much that they are loved.
We are scheduled to have a Thanksgiving dinner with my second youngest sister, brother-in-law and kids as usual. This dinner takes place because they go upstate to visit his family for the actual day. In times past, the whole family would gather at the house and the living room would be transformed into a cafeteria to accommodate my family of eleven (plus boyfriends, friends and extended family). It's always an entertaining time. This year my mom and brother Matt won't be there. They moved to Virginia this summer. It will be weird not having them there this year. This holiday season, traveling to see family will involve more than an LIRR ticket. This time I will need a plane ticket to get to them. It is hard getting used to have my core family spread out so far. Before they were all just exits away on the LIE. Holiday travel planning is much more intensive this year.
For Christmas Mom and Matt will come up to see all of us. Everyone will have to grin and bear it as we ALL spend Christmas Eve together with my three nieces Noelle, Hannah and Naliyah (Leah). I can't wait to see Noelle and Hannah this Christmas, they are at the age where they finally "get it". Leah is still much too young to understand, she'll only be eight months old by Christmas.
As far as gift giving goes, we all buy gifts for the kids. Then for all of my immediate family we have a grab bag with a price minimum that is usually decided randomly around Halloween. "The List" as we refer to it, was posted on our family website this week. Once "The List" is posted we all post our wish list, this way the person who has us for the grab bag has some general idea of what we want. In addition, everyone usually gets a few stocking stuffers for everyone else. It's a tradition that just sort of happened over the years. We always open all presents on Christmas Eve while we eat and karaoke and try not to fight to much.
Christmas Day has never been a really big day in my family. This year it's Sunday so I think the plan is for everyone to go to church together. That should be nice.
Some people find it bizarre when they hear that I'm from a family of six children. I can't imagine my life another way. It's a nice feeling to be surrounded by all of these people who share your blood. Now I have nieces and I love seeing them grow up and be apart of this crazy family of mine. They have all this love surrounding them. Three little girls with six aunts and two uncles (if I include aunts and uncles by marriage) in their immediate family. That is amazing.
I didn't have a perfect childhood but it's over and most days when I think back I have a lot of fond memories. I know you can only shelter children from so much in this world but I wish I could let my nieces have only happy days. When my they think back on their lives, I want the only memories that they feel or remember is to be how much that they are loved.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Plans
I wore a coat to work today. It really saddens me, I think I have SAD. I don't have feelings of suicide or anything but fall and winter put me in a funk. It's a slippery slope of depression, overeating, skipping exercise and the inevitable weight gain that follows. I don't want to go down that road this year. I'm fighting back. My eating is in control at the moment but every minute is a battle. Every fat cell in my body is craving to be given fuel so that they can multiple. I'm drinking green tea by the gallons in an attempt to fight the cravings and perhaps kick start my metabolism that seems to be out of commission as of late.
In other news,
The holiday season is upon us. It's time to buy holiday cards and make gift lists. Create dinner menus for all the "eves" and "days" to come. It's also time to "fall clean"...or should I have done that already?. I haven't switched my closet over yet. I just kind of keep hoping that if I don't unpack my sweaters, maybe I won't need them. That hypothesis is not proving true, with each passing day the mercury drops a little more.
Then there is the whole deep clean factor. I haven't deep cleaned since August. I know this as a fact because I had people over the weekend I did it. This morning I got nauseous leaving my apartment in the state that it's in. It needs a good once over. That is what I plan to do tonight. I plan to scrub, reorganize, put away my laundry from Sunday and mop. Which reminds me, I have to get some gloves from the unit today.
I will feel alot better once I have a nice clean house. Another thing that I need is to get some new "stuff" in there. Not sure quite sure what I want yet but, I'm tired of looking at the same ole, same ole. New stuff always makes you me feel better. I definetly need a new dresser, a rug might brighten things up some also. I'm feeling a little bit better now, like I have a plan. Smile.
In other news,
The holiday season is upon us. It's time to buy holiday cards and make gift lists. Create dinner menus for all the "eves" and "days" to come. It's also time to "fall clean"...or should I have done that already?. I haven't switched my closet over yet. I just kind of keep hoping that if I don't unpack my sweaters, maybe I won't need them. That hypothesis is not proving true, with each passing day the mercury drops a little more.
Then there is the whole deep clean factor. I haven't deep cleaned since August. I know this as a fact because I had people over the weekend I did it. This morning I got nauseous leaving my apartment in the state that it's in. It needs a good once over. That is what I plan to do tonight. I plan to scrub, reorganize, put away my laundry from Sunday and mop. Which reminds me, I have to get some gloves from the unit today.
I will feel alot better once I have a nice clean house. Another thing that I need is to get some new "stuff" in there. Not sure quite sure what I want yet but, I'm tired of looking at the same ole, same ole. New stuff always makes you me feel better. I definetly need a new dresser, a rug might brighten things up some also. I'm feeling a little bit better now, like I have a plan. Smile.
Friday, October 21, 2005
ex-boyfriend
We met online new years eve. It was the year 2002 became 2003. You left me a note that I almost deleted because of your crazy screen name. I didn't even care about the divorce or kid because you seemed genuine. For a short while you made me feel like I mattered.
The day we met I was so nervous. You weren't the first guy I'd dated that I met online but you'd be the last. We met at Starbucks and talked and talked. When they closed you asked if I'd like to go somewhere else, so we did. I had a good feeling and I didn't want to lose it yet. We went to Barnes and Noble and with an armful of books sat on the floor and you read poetry to me. You had my heart. You made me smile. It was fun. I didn't eat for 2 days after we met. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. Months passed and I met your mom and sisters. I never met your daughter...even to this day. I suppose I'm not worthy of that. As I wasn't worthy of your love.
I used the "L" word with you. Your the second man I used it with. You never knew how precious the word is to me. Never. You couldn't "get it"...that I could fall. That's because it was a place you couldn't go.
Then things changed.
Your time, your life, your ex-wife became more important than anything else. She ruled your every move, I can't compete with the type of disease that mascarades as love. I'm worth so much more. I've come too far to be second best.
I remember how I felt then, I wanted you so much. You told me lies
L: I know there is a risk involved in everything....I wanted to believe you.
I risked it all when I shared a smile with you,
I am opening myself up to you.
L: I tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things I can't understand,
Turning away from those who say they care so much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly.
L: You reminded me that there is never an easy way to love.
I can't approach it cautiously.
It will not wait for me to arm myself.
It does not care if I turn away.
L: It is everywhere, it is in everything.
Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
It strikes the strongest of mind.
And brings them to their knees in one blow.
L: Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
it hurts to be the other part
of someone else,
But I want to belong with you to be a part of you
but, for the moment I am still scared,
L: to me that sums up my risks
L: what about you
brooklyntcb: did you write that?
L: partially
L: the first part
L: well first half
L: and the last paragraph
L: y
brooklyntcb: is it for me or something that you like?
L: it's for you
Then you disappeared, just vanished from my life as if you'd never been there. Your phone still rang but for me there was never an answer. I almost started to believe that it had been a dream. At the time I didn't understand why? I wondered what was wrong with me?
While you were gone I met someone. He was beautiful and felt the same way about me. We had a few nights out, we shared a kiss later, long after you and I parted, we shared more...
You finally reappeared and you accused me of cheating. I can't cheat when I never had you...you never claimed me as yours. Remember?
We ended almost as we had begun, suddenly. I couldn't take your arrogance and selfishness anymore. You had no room in your life for me. Once again, as in the beginning, I felt that this was "meant to be".
Trick or Treat.
Halloween is coming and I've been invited to two parties. The party next Friday is at Mars2112, the party on Saturday is at Opal. This is going to the first time since I was very young that I've dressed up for Halloween. Growing up we didn't celebrate Halloween. We didn't celebrate for all the All Saints Eve reasons, "it's the devils holiday" and blah, blah, blah. I never really cared much about the dressing up part really, it seemed so messy. All the makeup and raggedy clothes did nothing for me. I don't like being messy. As a little girl I didn't like making mud pies because it got my hands dirty. I'm no sissy though, I just like being clean.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.
The only time I remember caring about dressing up was in first or second grade. I think it was second because I had Mrs. Scott. Mrs. Scott always smelled like cigarrettes and perfume. On Halloween everyone would bring there costumes to school in a bag and after lunch you'd get dressed up and there would be a parade around the school of all the classes. This particular Halloween was the first that I didn't dress up. All day "what you were going to be" was the talk of class. I avoided the topic. I tried to think up something witty to say. I think I told the kids I was going to be, "myself, that's scary enough". My humor hasn't changed much over the years.
When it came time to get dressed I felt really out of place and sad. Everyone was all dressed up in there plastic masks with the rubber band that goes around the back of your head, and their witches hats. There I was with my regular school clothes on looking plain. Mrs. Scott made me walk the parade with no costume. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't have a costume on and I couldn't form words to give an excuse. The words just stayed stuck in my throat. When I got home I told me my mom what happened. After that she let us stay home on Halloween if we wanted to. I always wanted to.
This year I really didn't want to get dressed up. Not because I don't believe in it. I know lots of people consider Halloween satans holiday. Those same people live like the devil everyday though, I don't get it.
I digress.
I didn't want to get dressed up but my dear friend decided we should all get dressed up for Halloween as characters from the Wizard of Oz and go to a party. I'm going to be Dorothy. I already have the costume all picked out. I'm getting the dress from Rickys, I've already got shoes and a bag. I need a Toto and tights which can be gotten with ease. I suppose I need some sort of over done makeup? I have an old red lipstick some where and a few bold eyeshadow colors. I think I've got all the bases covered. My only concern is that I don't want to hurt the baby. I have to take pictures this going to truly be a night to remember.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
fat people got no reason to live...
I'm having a bad day. I already said that. I decided at lunch time I would run down the street to Ann Taylor Loft for a pick-me-up. Okay, not so much a pick-me-up as a pair of pants to wear to work tomorrow seeing as I have two bags of laundry at home that I need to do.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.
I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.
When I arrive at the store I go in and head for the sale section. I'm feeling good. Taking in the sights and sounds. I'm glad to be there, I haven't touched new clothes in some time. I'm feeling the different materials, looking at colors, taking in the new clothes smell. Once my arms are full I head to the dressing room. Probably shouldn't be called a dressing room, it should probably be called something like, "Room with Harsh Lighting and Squeaky Clean Mirrors" or "Room of Shame".
I enter and close the door. Then, I look at myself. Full on. I do this almost all the time when I enter a dressing room. I want to see what the world sees. This time I didn't like what I saw. I need sprucing up. I'm always so frumpy in fall and winter. Probably because I hate those seasons. For this reason, I have almost no winter clothes. I need to go shopping.
I took off my shoes and pants, I kept my shirt on because I didn't want to see all of me naked. I tried on the skirts first, six of them in total. First the khaki with the green stripe, it was the most expensive but if it looked amazing I was going to consider it. It didn't look amazing it looked okay. I tried on a few more, tan, plaid, striped. Nothing. I didn't love anything. My last piece was a pair of pants, tan, they sit at the waist and have stretch. I felt good in them. I put everything back on hangers and exited the "Room of Shame". I am now the owner of a new pair of pants.
After I left, I ran over to the Gap and Banana but nothing looked good on me. I need to lose more weight. It's so depressing! Why is it so freaking hard to lose weight and so easy to gain. At the trunk show yesterday I felt SO huge next to all those women. I felt fatter than the pregnant women who was WITH us. Seriously, I just want to run, work out, something until the weight is gone. I know this wedding is six and a half months away but I'll be damned if I go to it at this weight. I need to be at goal by January. There is no excuse other than laziness and that is not an excuse.
I didn't update this week about my weight loss. My weight is still down 6.5 lbs but I didn't lose this week. I continue to fight the fight though, one battle at a time.
My head hurts. I feel nauseous and cranky and I really don't want to be here today. Not only do I have to be here today, I have to be here until about 9:00pm today. Starting this week until many many months from now I will be doing much over time. Although 2006 seems light years away to some, financially it's just around the corner for me. Around the corner waits a bachelorette, a bridal shower, a wedding, a friend's 30th birthday in L.A. and a volunteer backpacking trip to mentor teenage girls. This list does not include, birthdays, trips to see my mom in VA or Christmas.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.
I guess this is life huh?
It doesn't help that this cubicle is smaller than a jail cell and I'm here for 8 hours a day. Isn't the called "solitary confinement"?
I'm dying on the inside.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Friends
Today is going to be an exciting day. My good friend Jodi is getting married and we're going to look at dresses at 4:15pm. There is going to be a Trunk Show with Jenny Lee designs and Jenny Lee with be there. I had no idea who Jenny Lee was until last week but I think it's exciting to meet the person who thought it all up.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.
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