Ode (err?)

This long weekend was nothing of what I imagined it to be. I spent Saturday depressed in wallowing in my own self pity. I never left the bed. Well briefly, to take a shower, after which I changed into fresh pajamas and crawled back in. I read and watched The Office online and wrote some-here actually but then I lost my connection and it got erased.

I have this weird odor in my apartment and I can't find the source. At first I thought it was the trash but, I took it out and sprayed the can with Lysol-still it lingered. I changed the litter box-still lingering. I can only smell it if I leave and then walk back in...not something I've done much this weekend.

The smell is probably me.

I can't wait for the mooves

I have Monday off and I'm excited. This is the first time ever since college where I've had a job where I get the "holidays" off without having to request it. They are generally floating holidays that you have the option to add to your vacation time. I don't know which is a better bet but I have to say that I love the fact of the long weekend.

What makes it even more fun is that I'm going to see Charlottes Web with my two nieces on Monday. I think that they are as excited as I am. Earlier this week Noelle's journal entry read, "I cant wait for the mooves".

I can't wait either...

Prospero Ano

I'm starting the new year with not only a new attitude but a new job! After a year of looking and looking and interviewing and getting rejected I found something to get excited about! The great thing is that they felt the same way.

I will finally have time once again to write. I've really missed it.

Live to Tell

It started off innocent enough. Scratch that, I'm lying. This is my family, nothing is ever innocent or easy.

• Sister runs off from VA with derelict 'boyfriend' and my five month old niece to live in NY again (and I use the term 'boyfriend' very very loosely). This is done in secret 2 days before Thanksgiving.
• Mother calls hysterical when she arrives home to find the house empty.
• Discover that Mother is using cigarettes to sedate herself.
• Meet my brand new nephew Justice who is beautiful.
• Get hugs from my niece Leah.
• Have fight with boyfriend.
• Drop cellphone in public toilet at mall with NO money to purchase another one if phone decides it will not come back to life.
• Make up with boyfriend.
• Decide to stay one extra day because I worry about leaving my mother alone after she's had a house full for 4 days.
• Cellphone comes back to life.
• Arrive at bus depot only to be informed that the bus is full and oversold and that I will have to leave Sunday night at midnight.
• Arrive in NYC Monday morning at 6:30am and go straight to work sans shower or sleep.

Thanksgiving holiday over: PRICELESS

an you thought that YOU had it hard...

"Yeah, it's not that bad though, even though I have to take the "L" train n' all. I mean, it's not like it's HARLEM where you need a gun just to go to the grocery store".

(overheard 11.13.06 in Union Square NYC)

with this ring I me wed...

Growing up I always imagined that I'd "have it all". Sometimes I saw myself going out there and getting it and sometimes I saw myself getting a few things and then having the rest handed to me by the elusive "him".

As I am swiftly becoming, "a woman of a certain age" I find myself more than ever attempting to get my affairs in order. It's no longer okay to rent where I live, I want roots. I want to be able to hang pictures without worrying about how I'll cover the holes when I move. I want to purchase furniture. For the first time. Everything I possess is hand-me downs, articles that been eaten off of, sat on and slept in before they belonged to me.

It's not okay to stay with the same company just because I've been here for seven years already. I want to move on-explore my options. Maybe I'll fall on my face and prove everyone right but I want to at least be able to say that, "I did it, when I wanted to do it". I can't follow behind people who have lives that are half lived.

This past year I've had a growing affinity for diamonds so, I bought myself some. I bought a pair of diamond studs and most recently a diamond band for my right hand. They are truly a girls best friend! I'm all about this new diamonds on your right hand movement that is going on. In this life, I believe you have to decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for other people to do it for you.

Whenever I get complimented on my earrings or ring I just smile and say thanks, "I bought them for me".

-pic coming soon

Books

1. One book that’s changed your life.
Small Town Girls. It touched me on so many different levels.

2. One book that you have read more than once.
A tree grows in Brooklyn-I love it more each time.

3. One book that you would want on a deserted island
Sister of my heart by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

4. One book that made you cry
I'm pretty mushy so there has been more than one. The most recent was, "My sisters keeper by Jodi Picoult, I bawled.

5. One book that made you laugh.
If they can make you cry they can generally make you laugh. I stick to those listed above.

6. One book you wish had been written.
Small Town Girls.

7. One book you wish had never been written.
There is something for everyone. There is a book I can't get into and I've TRIED like 3 times it's, "A prayer for Owen Meany". I see people reading it and I'm like, "HOW??".

8. One book you are currently reading.
Mercy by Jodi Picoult.

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Straight up and Dirty by Stephanie Klein.

10. One book you're glad to own.
I love all my books.

11. One book from which you must read aloud.
The Hundred Penny Box.

"You have NO new messages"

I'm waiting for a call. Waiting for a call is the worst feeling ever. All I can think about is what the caller must be doing. Are they having a busy day or is it just bad news? As long as you don't hear anything bad news is still good news right? No news is good news they say. I can't wholly agree.

I'm waiting for the recruiter to call me and tell me if I "got the job". At which point I fane disbelief, "Are you serious? Of course I accept." It is by no means my dream job but I've been dreaming about the paycheck it will give me since I learned of it.

If I checked my voicemail 50 times since 9:30 am I'm really low balling. I really just want to hear the good, bad or ugly before this evening. This way I can start Monday on a clean slate. I can get back in the trenches and once again survey the scene. It's pretty tough out there...I hope I get called in from the war.

Here comes the bride.

Saturday morning I was recruited to go wedding dress shopping. It was a most unexpected invitation and I had a ball! Once the bride and I hooked up she informed me that she didn't actually have appointments at her shops of choice, she was crashing, and hoped they'd take us. We didn't actually have to worry about arriving san appointment because both bridal shops in her top 3 choices didn't open until 12 noon and it was only 11am.
Bright eyed and bushy tailed we hailed a cab and headed to shop number three, Myr Jan. It should have been our first stop. This place is one stop shopping. They carry everything you could possibly need. If they don't have it they have a relationship with someone who does. The service was superb also. We arrived without an appointment and were treated with one on one personal service by the owner herself.
I modeled dresses for the bride as she is not yet at goal weight and the samples actually FIT ME!! Now that's saying something. I have to admit, I was quite the vision. In one gown that I tried on I almost took my own breathe away. It was a really nice finish to a long long work week.
Right now only she and I know the details of the dress. I can't wait until June when I see her walk down the aisle on The Hotel rooftop with the Miami skyline as her wedding backdrop in the dress that we picked out together. She's going to be a breathtaking bride.

I'm crying everyones tears

I've been faithfully taking my blue and white happy pill every day to keep the crazies at bay. The pill is only strong enough to deal with my rollercoaster life though. Today my heart has had to deal with too much sorrow. It was a long long weekend.

When it rains it pours

I'm shaking. I'm physically shaking. Why is my life so dramatic? I have received three telephone calls within 48 hours for job interviews. Nothing for two months and all of a sudden the gates of heaven have just opened up. I'm so excited and scared. I have two really interesting possible opportunities on the table. I'll hear back about one Tuesday and other tonight. I'm going to really stepping out and taking a risk with both.
It's so wonderful that things are really looking up. It seems as if the people in my life are finding their purpose. They are fulfilling their hopes and dreams not only in career but also in their family life. 2006 overall has been a really good year.

Lovin' me ain't nothing healthy

The past couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I have had such emotion highs and lows that I've scared even myself. I pity those that love me and have to deal with this. Friday I think I must have called the same friends in tears after work only to call back late Friday night on a complete high after my telephone job interview with Zariya-the matchmaker. I haven't been taking my happy pills and it's taking its effect. I am back on schedule now, hopefully I'll be normal soon.

For months I have been searching for gainful employment only to come up empty handed. This has really taken a toll on me. Slowly but surely the calls are now begining to come in and some of the pressure is lifting. I would really like to being this new adventure as early as October. I can't wait to have a fresh start. I am taking this service slow because I really want to find something that I enjoy. I don't want to just jump because I'm tired and bored. Is with most things in life, it's hard to take it slow.

The strain of saving money and thinking about looking for the house(condo,townhouse,whatever) is giving me heart palpatations too. I know that I am doing that right thing and that I can handle it but, it's such a grown up move and that scares me a bit.

Dear Man on the subway,

I was really feeling pretty sluggish this morning as I entered the A train. All I really wanted to do was turn around and go home and get under my covers and snuggle up and go to sleep or watch cartoons and fade away into sleep but, I digress. When I stepped onto the train your body odor nearly sent last nights dinner back into the known universe. Dear Sir it's summer, not only that but, it's summer in New York City. Heat magnifies odor. You had odor. You were very magnified today as you stood on the train with your hands on your hips as if WE were the ones with the problem. We were only trying to breathe, and it was very difficult. Very difficult indeed.

Here's to never seeing you again,

The girl had to stand next to you on the crowded train.

Home Sweet Home

I'm so excited! I'm officially in the market. For a house that is. "We" are officially in the market. Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse a bit seeing as we don't meet with the mortage banker until tomorrow evening. It is then that we will officially know how much (little) we can afford. It will be such a wonderful feeling to own the place that I live in and I'm just through the roof! It's even more scary that we're doing it together.

I've already started looking a bit and running my findings past the Man and it's so interesting to hear his input, to see what he's looking for in a place. Today he asked me if the townhouse that I was looking at had a garage...it's not something that I would have ever thought of-as I am sans license (but in hot pursuit). He examines the floor plans looking for the perfect layout explaining how he doesn't like kitchens that open into living rooms.

My main concern is a closet space, I've been living in a studio with one closet for six years. I'm tired of looking for creative ways to store my belongings. I'm tired of under bed storage and plastic containers holding last seasons pieces. I'm no Rachel Ray but I can't wait to have a KITCHEN with CABINETS that are big enough to hold more than condiments. I can't wait to use my refrigerator to store actual food inside of tupperware and pots and pans and any other odd kitchen item that I can no longer stand to see out in the open.

I know that there is such a long road to hoe yet but I'm still so EXCITED!!

Senior Year

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.



1. Who was your best friend?
Best Gal Pal

2.What sports did you play?
Soccer and Cheerleading. Yes, Cheerleading is a sport, I had the bruises to show it.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
I bummed rides, some things never change.

4. Friday night where were you at?
Best Gal Pals house watching the Knicks and eating whatever wasn't tied down.

5. Were you a party animal?
Not exactly.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
I doubt it.

7. Ever skip school?
Yes, Best Gal Pal introduced me to the Art of Skipping.


8. Were you a nerd?
Not exactly.


10. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heavens no.


11. Can you sing the fight song?
No.


12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Senior year I don't know if I had a favorite. The most RETARDED teacher was Mr. Scott. If I had to pick maybe Mrs. Schlessinger? she was pretty cool.

13. Favorite class?
English


14. What was your school's full name?
Bellport Senior High School

15. School mascot?
A bulldog and a Clipper ship.


16. Did you go to Prom?
Of course! Looking fabulous as ever with Best Gal Pal on my arm.


17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Of course, I wish I could see those crazy kids again for one more go round.


18. What do you remember most about graduation?
Being with the two people I loved most in the world and just having my family around me and Happy.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
It's all a blur of Good Times...


20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
I signed the senior wall if that counts.

21. Did you have a job your senior year?
The summer before, yes.


22. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Senior cafeteria.


23. Have you gained weight since then?
Please don't make me cry.

24. What did you do after graduation?
Went to college two weeks later (I started early).


25. When did you graduate?
1995


26. Where are most of your classmates?
Pretty scattered actually.


27. Are you going to your ten year reunion?
Been there done that-so glad I did though.


28. Who was your home room teacher?
I'm blanking.


29. Who will repost this after you?
Someone I hope, it would be fun to see the answers.

Friends Forever

On the phone:

Best Gal Pal: "I was thinking, I'd like to have you in the room with me when I have the baby"

Me: (eyes wide looking over my shoulder)"Who are you talking to???"

BGP: "You. I'm serious, I think it would be fun"

Me: (silence)

BGP: "You know, 'Good times' and all that"

Me: (shaking my head) "I'm sorry, I can't do that, don't you want me to EVER have children? I just can't, I can't.

My experience on the Couch

"You have issues with men", my therapist announced one evening.
He said it matter of fact. The way you'd state the condition of the weather outside your window. The funny thing is, it was as obvious as ill-fitting panties underneath too tight pants. It's painfully obvious and yet no one really gets called out on it.
I had issues with men.
In alot of way that night was the beginning to my "ah-ha" moment. You know, the moment when you "get it", finally. It's one thing to feel out of wack. It's another to be able to identify the issue and work at moving on. I truly wanted to move on. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college and a long term relationship and trying to be a grown up. Whatever that meant. I knew it meant mentally healthy and I knew I wasn't that. I turned to therapy as a way to figure it all out. I had begun to feel so sad that I was afraid to cry. I had the feeling that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I was really hurting.
It was so liberating to lose myself in tears. Even with a stranger. That whole session I cried.
I cried for the little girl in me who watched her father fall down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. For a mother who struggled to pick up the pieces and create a life for her children.
I had been carrying a burden of responsibility around for a long long time and it was really weighing me down. I LOOKED depressed. I felt guilty that I didn't have to live with alcoholism anymore and yet my family wasn't free. Going to sleep without the fear of waking up to breaking dishes or a pot left on the stove was no longer a part of my life. I couldn't enjoy it though. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. It was okay to have my own life.
I'd never really relaxed my whole life. It's hard to relax when you live with alcoholism. You have to always be alert and on guard because days and nights can change with a moments notice.
I cried because I didn't have one male in my life that I could depend on. Not one. If you don't count my grandfather who I lost at 12 years old. I never really had. I wondered what having a relationship with your father would be like? To be able to just sit and chat. I never wanted to be in the same room with mine, let alone have to exchange words with him.
I cried because the one man in the world that I thought I could trust had betrayed me. His betrayal was far greater than anything I could ever imagine him doing and I was devastated. Somehow his disloyalty caused me to feel like trash and hurled me into a deeper depression. I'd smile and nod but on the inside I was a mess. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide but I knew that wasn't the answer.
Three years later I was better. I wouldn't go so far as to say "healed" but on the inside I was miles away from the girl who had first walked into my therapists office. I'm so glad that I made that choice to seek help. Since that time I've been able to share my experience with friends and family and some of them have decided to seek out therapy as a way to get through hard times. Sometimes people are going through hard times and they feel like they are the only ones who have had that experience. It's nice to know that you are not the only one.

I always knew it

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career Or simply take in all the city has to offer.

What City Do You Belong In?

Disappointment

Sometimes the people who are closest to us are the ones who hurt us the most. I feel weepy today and it's really not any ONE thing, it's all of those things piled up together. Like the fact that I don't have overdraft protection and I'm getting screwed like a cheap whore by Citibank, it makes me really sad. The fact that I just sunk money from my savings into my checkings and it's still negative today because of FEES!! f*&^ fees! What the f*(%! How can you f*n charge me fees on the f*n fees! "F" that s&^#!
Yeah, so uhm-I'm kinda mad about that.
Then there is the whole thing with my nieces. I was supposed to see them this weekend but, now I'm feeling like my sister is going to cancel on me. You know, I've always wanted to be an Auntie in much the same way some women have always wanted to be mommy's. I've never pictured myself as the mommy. In MY daydreams, I'm always the Auntie. I give kisses and candy, I come bearing gifts. I buy cool clothes and give money for birthdays. This is what I do. I love it. I don't love when people let there own "ish" come between me and my girls. I haven't seen them in months. I just want to see my baby girls.
I think my mom is up this weekend. I haven't seen her in months either so it will be really nice to see her. I wish she was closer. I miss my mom.

Friday night

Friday I felt like the kid who gets picked last in gym class. No one wanted to play with me. It has been a long week and I wanted to go out for drinks. Heck, on short weeks I want to go out for drinks. I sent the e-mail early in the week to gauge interest, and I got a few bites. A few hesitant, "Sounds like a good idea" were in my inbox by the days end. "Sounds like a good idea" should always be read as, "I'm holding out to see what my other offers are" so I expected a few cancellations. I didn't expect to be begging for companionship on a Friday night but, that is what happened.
On Friday afternoon I sent out an ain't to proud to beg e-mail asking for some confirmations for the evening. I received two responses. They both wanted to do different things. Always one for an adventure I booked them both.
I met Chelsea and co-worker Kim immediately following the witching hour and we chatted about upcoming nuptials as we sipped on our happy hour specials. As the clock struck 7:00pm I rushed to meet Nikia for a showing of The Devil Wears Prada. We were too late, the next two shows that night were sold out. With our plans thwarted we did the next best thing, went to dinner. We went in search of a hole in the wall Italian place called Bianca. Nikia had read rave reviews and after a week long craving for lasagna we headed out in search for a little cheese and pasta. Deep in conversation as we headed down Broadway, we wound up passing Bleeker and had to make a u-turn and head back. Once arriving at Bleeker and Bowery we entered out final destination, Bianca. Bianca is a small Italian eatery designed to imitate your mothers dining room. Small tables are placed close enough together that if you pay attention you can hear your neighbors conversation. Dim lights and candles make for a romantic setting and the dishes displayed on the walls make you feel as if you've come home for dinner.
As we dined and chewed the fat (literally and figuratively) we talked of our presents and futures. Decisions that we're making and dreams that we hope to fulfill. When our stomachs were full of food and our mind of stories we said out goodbyes and made plans to do it again soon.
I'm so glad I begged.