Books

1. One book that’s changed your life.
Small Town Girls. It touched me on so many different levels.

2. One book that you have read more than once.
A tree grows in Brooklyn-I love it more each time.

3. One book that you would want on a deserted island
Sister of my heart by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

4. One book that made you cry
I'm pretty mushy so there has been more than one. The most recent was, "My sisters keeper by Jodi Picoult, I bawled.

5. One book that made you laugh.
If they can make you cry they can generally make you laugh. I stick to those listed above.

6. One book you wish had been written.
Small Town Girls.

7. One book you wish had never been written.
There is something for everyone. There is a book I can't get into and I've TRIED like 3 times it's, "A prayer for Owen Meany". I see people reading it and I'm like, "HOW??".

8. One book you are currently reading.
Mercy by Jodi Picoult.

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Straight up and Dirty by Stephanie Klein.

10. One book you're glad to own.
I love all my books.

11. One book from which you must read aloud.
The Hundred Penny Box.

"You have NO new messages"

I'm waiting for a call. Waiting for a call is the worst feeling ever. All I can think about is what the caller must be doing. Are they having a busy day or is it just bad news? As long as you don't hear anything bad news is still good news right? No news is good news they say. I can't wholly agree.

I'm waiting for the recruiter to call me and tell me if I "got the job". At which point I fane disbelief, "Are you serious? Of course I accept." It is by no means my dream job but I've been dreaming about the paycheck it will give me since I learned of it.

If I checked my voicemail 50 times since 9:30 am I'm really low balling. I really just want to hear the good, bad or ugly before this evening. This way I can start Monday on a clean slate. I can get back in the trenches and once again survey the scene. It's pretty tough out there...I hope I get called in from the war.

Here comes the bride.

Saturday morning I was recruited to go wedding dress shopping. It was a most unexpected invitation and I had a ball! Once the bride and I hooked up she informed me that she didn't actually have appointments at her shops of choice, she was crashing, and hoped they'd take us. We didn't actually have to worry about arriving san appointment because both bridal shops in her top 3 choices didn't open until 12 noon and it was only 11am.
Bright eyed and bushy tailed we hailed a cab and headed to shop number three, Myr Jan. It should have been our first stop. This place is one stop shopping. They carry everything you could possibly need. If they don't have it they have a relationship with someone who does. The service was superb also. We arrived without an appointment and were treated with one on one personal service by the owner herself.
I modeled dresses for the bride as she is not yet at goal weight and the samples actually FIT ME!! Now that's saying something. I have to admit, I was quite the vision. In one gown that I tried on I almost took my own breathe away. It was a really nice finish to a long long work week.
Right now only she and I know the details of the dress. I can't wait until June when I see her walk down the aisle on The Hotel rooftop with the Miami skyline as her wedding backdrop in the dress that we picked out together. She's going to be a breathtaking bride.

I'm crying everyones tears

I've been faithfully taking my blue and white happy pill every day to keep the crazies at bay. The pill is only strong enough to deal with my rollercoaster life though. Today my heart has had to deal with too much sorrow. It was a long long weekend.

When it rains it pours

I'm shaking. I'm physically shaking. Why is my life so dramatic? I have received three telephone calls within 48 hours for job interviews. Nothing for two months and all of a sudden the gates of heaven have just opened up. I'm so excited and scared. I have two really interesting possible opportunities on the table. I'll hear back about one Tuesday and other tonight. I'm going to really stepping out and taking a risk with both.
It's so wonderful that things are really looking up. It seems as if the people in my life are finding their purpose. They are fulfilling their hopes and dreams not only in career but also in their family life. 2006 overall has been a really good year.

Lovin' me ain't nothing healthy

The past couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I have had such emotion highs and lows that I've scared even myself. I pity those that love me and have to deal with this. Friday I think I must have called the same friends in tears after work only to call back late Friday night on a complete high after my telephone job interview with Zariya-the matchmaker. I haven't been taking my happy pills and it's taking its effect. I am back on schedule now, hopefully I'll be normal soon.

For months I have been searching for gainful employment only to come up empty handed. This has really taken a toll on me. Slowly but surely the calls are now begining to come in and some of the pressure is lifting. I would really like to being this new adventure as early as October. I can't wait to have a fresh start. I am taking this service slow because I really want to find something that I enjoy. I don't want to just jump because I'm tired and bored. Is with most things in life, it's hard to take it slow.

The strain of saving money and thinking about looking for the house(condo,townhouse,whatever) is giving me heart palpatations too. I know that I am doing that right thing and that I can handle it but, it's such a grown up move and that scares me a bit.

Dear Man on the subway,

I was really feeling pretty sluggish this morning as I entered the A train. All I really wanted to do was turn around and go home and get under my covers and snuggle up and go to sleep or watch cartoons and fade away into sleep but, I digress. When I stepped onto the train your body odor nearly sent last nights dinner back into the known universe. Dear Sir it's summer, not only that but, it's summer in New York City. Heat magnifies odor. You had odor. You were very magnified today as you stood on the train with your hands on your hips as if WE were the ones with the problem. We were only trying to breathe, and it was very difficult. Very difficult indeed.

Here's to never seeing you again,

The girl had to stand next to you on the crowded train.

Home Sweet Home

I'm so excited! I'm officially in the market. For a house that is. "We" are officially in the market. Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse a bit seeing as we don't meet with the mortage banker until tomorrow evening. It is then that we will officially know how much (little) we can afford. It will be such a wonderful feeling to own the place that I live in and I'm just through the roof! It's even more scary that we're doing it together.

I've already started looking a bit and running my findings past the Man and it's so interesting to hear his input, to see what he's looking for in a place. Today he asked me if the townhouse that I was looking at had a garage...it's not something that I would have ever thought of-as I am sans license (but in hot pursuit). He examines the floor plans looking for the perfect layout explaining how he doesn't like kitchens that open into living rooms.

My main concern is a closet space, I've been living in a studio with one closet for six years. I'm tired of looking for creative ways to store my belongings. I'm tired of under bed storage and plastic containers holding last seasons pieces. I'm no Rachel Ray but I can't wait to have a KITCHEN with CABINETS that are big enough to hold more than condiments. I can't wait to use my refrigerator to store actual food inside of tupperware and pots and pans and any other odd kitchen item that I can no longer stand to see out in the open.

I know that there is such a long road to hoe yet but I'm still so EXCITED!!

Senior Year

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.



1. Who was your best friend?
Best Gal Pal

2.What sports did you play?
Soccer and Cheerleading. Yes, Cheerleading is a sport, I had the bruises to show it.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
I bummed rides, some things never change.

4. Friday night where were you at?
Best Gal Pals house watching the Knicks and eating whatever wasn't tied down.

5. Were you a party animal?
Not exactly.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
I doubt it.

7. Ever skip school?
Yes, Best Gal Pal introduced me to the Art of Skipping.


8. Were you a nerd?
Not exactly.


10. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heavens no.


11. Can you sing the fight song?
No.


12. Who was your favorite teacher?
Senior year I don't know if I had a favorite. The most RETARDED teacher was Mr. Scott. If I had to pick maybe Mrs. Schlessinger? she was pretty cool.

13. Favorite class?
English


14. What was your school's full name?
Bellport Senior High School

15. School mascot?
A bulldog and a Clipper ship.


16. Did you go to Prom?
Of course! Looking fabulous as ever with Best Gal Pal on my arm.


17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Of course, I wish I could see those crazy kids again for one more go round.


18. What do you remember most about graduation?
Being with the two people I loved most in the world and just having my family around me and Happy.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?
It's all a blur of Good Times...


20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall?
I signed the senior wall if that counts.

21. Did you have a job your senior year?
The summer before, yes.


22. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Senior cafeteria.


23. Have you gained weight since then?
Please don't make me cry.

24. What did you do after graduation?
Went to college two weeks later (I started early).


25. When did you graduate?
1995


26. Where are most of your classmates?
Pretty scattered actually.


27. Are you going to your ten year reunion?
Been there done that-so glad I did though.


28. Who was your home room teacher?
I'm blanking.


29. Who will repost this after you?
Someone I hope, it would be fun to see the answers.

Friends Forever

On the phone:

Best Gal Pal: "I was thinking, I'd like to have you in the room with me when I have the baby"

Me: (eyes wide looking over my shoulder)"Who are you talking to???"

BGP: "You. I'm serious, I think it would be fun"

Me: (silence)

BGP: "You know, 'Good times' and all that"

Me: (shaking my head) "I'm sorry, I can't do that, don't you want me to EVER have children? I just can't, I can't.

My experience on the Couch

"You have issues with men", my therapist announced one evening.
He said it matter of fact. The way you'd state the condition of the weather outside your window. The funny thing is, it was as obvious as ill-fitting panties underneath too tight pants. It's painfully obvious and yet no one really gets called out on it.
I had issues with men.
In alot of way that night was the beginning to my "ah-ha" moment. You know, the moment when you "get it", finally. It's one thing to feel out of wack. It's another to be able to identify the issue and work at moving on. I truly wanted to move on. I was 22 years old, fresh out of college and a long term relationship and trying to be a grown up. Whatever that meant. I knew it meant mentally healthy and I knew I wasn't that. I turned to therapy as a way to figure it all out. I had begun to feel so sad that I was afraid to cry. I had the feeling that if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop. I was really hurting.
It was so liberating to lose myself in tears. Even with a stranger. That whole session I cried.
I cried for the little girl in me who watched her father fall down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. For a mother who struggled to pick up the pieces and create a life for her children.
I had been carrying a burden of responsibility around for a long long time and it was really weighing me down. I LOOKED depressed. I felt guilty that I didn't have to live with alcoholism anymore and yet my family wasn't free. Going to sleep without the fear of waking up to breaking dishes or a pot left on the stove was no longer a part of my life. I couldn't enjoy it though. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay. It was okay to have my own life.
I'd never really relaxed my whole life. It's hard to relax when you live with alcoholism. You have to always be alert and on guard because days and nights can change with a moments notice.
I cried because I didn't have one male in my life that I could depend on. Not one. If you don't count my grandfather who I lost at 12 years old. I never really had. I wondered what having a relationship with your father would be like? To be able to just sit and chat. I never wanted to be in the same room with mine, let alone have to exchange words with him.
I cried because the one man in the world that I thought I could trust had betrayed me. His betrayal was far greater than anything I could ever imagine him doing and I was devastated. Somehow his disloyalty caused me to feel like trash and hurled me into a deeper depression. I'd smile and nod but on the inside I was a mess. I had fleeting thoughts of suicide but I knew that wasn't the answer.
Three years later I was better. I wouldn't go so far as to say "healed" but on the inside I was miles away from the girl who had first walked into my therapists office. I'm so glad that I made that choice to seek help. Since that time I've been able to share my experience with friends and family and some of them have decided to seek out therapy as a way to get through hard times. Sometimes people are going through hard times and they feel like they are the only ones who have had that experience. It's nice to know that you are not the only one.

I always knew it

You Belong in New York City

You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career Or simply take in all the city has to offer.

What City Do You Belong In?

Disappointment

Sometimes the people who are closest to us are the ones who hurt us the most. I feel weepy today and it's really not any ONE thing, it's all of those things piled up together. Like the fact that I don't have overdraft protection and I'm getting screwed like a cheap whore by Citibank, it makes me really sad. The fact that I just sunk money from my savings into my checkings and it's still negative today because of FEES!! f*&^ fees! What the f*(%! How can you f*n charge me fees on the f*n fees! "F" that s&^#!
Yeah, so uhm-I'm kinda mad about that.
Then there is the whole thing with my nieces. I was supposed to see them this weekend but, now I'm feeling like my sister is going to cancel on me. You know, I've always wanted to be an Auntie in much the same way some women have always wanted to be mommy's. I've never pictured myself as the mommy. In MY daydreams, I'm always the Auntie. I give kisses and candy, I come bearing gifts. I buy cool clothes and give money for birthdays. This is what I do. I love it. I don't love when people let there own "ish" come between me and my girls. I haven't seen them in months. I just want to see my baby girls.
I think my mom is up this weekend. I haven't seen her in months either so it will be really nice to see her. I wish she was closer. I miss my mom.

Friday night

Friday I felt like the kid who gets picked last in gym class. No one wanted to play with me. It has been a long week and I wanted to go out for drinks. Heck, on short weeks I want to go out for drinks. I sent the e-mail early in the week to gauge interest, and I got a few bites. A few hesitant, "Sounds like a good idea" were in my inbox by the days end. "Sounds like a good idea" should always be read as, "I'm holding out to see what my other offers are" so I expected a few cancellations. I didn't expect to be begging for companionship on a Friday night but, that is what happened.
On Friday afternoon I sent out an ain't to proud to beg e-mail asking for some confirmations for the evening. I received two responses. They both wanted to do different things. Always one for an adventure I booked them both.
I met Chelsea and co-worker Kim immediately following the witching hour and we chatted about upcoming nuptials as we sipped on our happy hour specials. As the clock struck 7:00pm I rushed to meet Nikia for a showing of The Devil Wears Prada. We were too late, the next two shows that night were sold out. With our plans thwarted we did the next best thing, went to dinner. We went in search of a hole in the wall Italian place called Bianca. Nikia had read rave reviews and after a week long craving for lasagna we headed out in search for a little cheese and pasta. Deep in conversation as we headed down Broadway, we wound up passing Bleeker and had to make a u-turn and head back. Once arriving at Bleeker and Bowery we entered out final destination, Bianca. Bianca is a small Italian eatery designed to imitate your mothers dining room. Small tables are placed close enough together that if you pay attention you can hear your neighbors conversation. Dim lights and candles make for a romantic setting and the dishes displayed on the walls make you feel as if you've come home for dinner.
As we dined and chewed the fat (literally and figuratively) we talked of our presents and futures. Decisions that we're making and dreams that we hope to fulfill. When our stomachs were full of food and our mind of stories we said out goodbyes and made plans to do it again soon.
I'm so glad I begged.

Dilemnas

Jason to Me:

"How do I explain to my 60 something year old Trinidadian father that I can't do it tomorrow because I have plans with my girl and if I break them, I'm in the dog house?"

It wasn't just that she was being a good friend. She was, but it wasn't just that. It was that she was trying to assuage some of her guilt. She hoped the gods would see and hear her penance. That in this act of reaching out (while it was sincere) she could some how free her soul. Then maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't be kept awake at night hearing a heartbeat that years ago ceased to exist.

I grew up in out in eastern Long Island. Way east, near towns with names that are hard for you to pronounce. Names that once represented Native American tribes but are now markers of economic status. The distance in relationship to any given town tells the world what daddy does for a living. How well he's able to provide. Mommy stays home in most of these towns, it's just the way it goes.
As much as I never want to go back to live there. I miss what it has to offer. Falling asleep on summer nights with the windows open letting in the sound of crickets doing their thing. Catching fire-flies as a little girl and capturing them in clear glass jars, my own personal night light.
I love summer in the city but I yearn for summer in the suburbs. Walking bare foot in my yard, feeling the cool green grass beneath your toes and the taking in the scent of a freshly mowed lawn. I love that smell. Fresh cut grass is really the best smell. It reminds me of so many happy things.
The best is playing outside and smelling dinner as the scent of fried chicken cutlets with rice and vegetables comes through the kitchen window. Then mom would yell to us to come in and wash up for dinner once my dad returned from work. We always ate dinner as a family at the table together, mom, dad and the kids. I loved that. I want that for my future family. To much time is spent in front of computers and televisions. It's nice to come together and share and fight and be a family if only for 30 minutes a day.
I don't really see myself having a strictly suburban life. Suburbia is often devoid of diversity. I want my children to know how big the world truly is. It's hard to see that behind your chain link fence as you return from private school. I am also well aware that uptown, downtown and midtown have their own caste systems at work, as do all of the boroughs but, it's different. You can still visit a different caste and not feel shunned. It's more anonymous here, it's harder to judge a book by it's cover, old prejudices don't always fly.
I'm feeling nostalgic today I suppose. I want the best of both worlds and I don't think that it's too much to ask for either.

First comes love, then comes the house...

This weekend after a double shot of Hennessy and too much sun, he asked me to live with him. I stared back at his brown eyes like a deer caught in the headlights. I asked for clarification because, moving into his current apartment with him and moving into a separate neutral apartment with both of our names on the lease are two different things. He meant the former. I would be willing to put the later on the chopping block and come up with some type of pre-nuptial agreement in say the next 6-12 months. Hey, I'll be older and wiser by then right?-I'll be thirty.

All I know if that I can't live in HIS apartment with him. Maybe it's all in my mind but, it's not fair-it's not equal. Then again what is?

The only thing that we can both agree on is that we would both like to own the next place that we live. We don't want to give up our rent stablilized apartments and then sell our souls to pay someone else's mortage. If there is going to be any soul selling we want it to be deeded with our names.

So I guess in my case first comes love, then comes the house...who ever heard of such a thing?

I'm feeling like a failure these days. The more it's pointed out to me, the more I fight back. Who wants to hear those words? "Your this, your that". All my life I've had to hear the words. Try to live up to someone elses expections. I live a life of biting my words back. When I lash out it's because I'm tired of holdin it in. It's poisoning me. I'm tired of wearing your labels and opinions, it's tearing me down. Create a place for me in your world as I do for you in mine. I've never asked you to be anything other than you. I play devils advocate because I'm a born debater. It comes out without me even thinking first. If I'm asking you to change, I'll think first. Speak second. It's hard.
I know I'm not perfect but, I want to be. I want to cry when my failures make it from the inside to the outside. Don't find joy in breaking me down. I'm sorry that you're so unhappy that you need to make me feel sad. I'm sorry I'm so unhappy that I need to make you mad.
Lately all I can think about is all the things that I never had.

Don't want none of your time...

4 yr old niece: "Hello?"

Me: "Uh, Hi (laughing) Who IS this??"

4 yr old niece: "It's Hannnnnnaaah"

Me: "Oh hi Hannah, does Mommy know that your answering the phone?"

4 yr old niece: "Yes"

Me: (still laughing) "Oh, uhm okay, it's uhm Mar.., it's Auntie Ria is Noelle there? I want to wish her Happy Birthday"

4 yr old niece: "Okay"

4 yr old niece: (yelling) "Noelle, it's Auntie Ria she wants to talk to you"

6 yr old niece: "Why does she want to talk to me? Tell her I'm busy"