Friends

Today is going to be an exciting day. My good friend Jodi is getting married and we're going to look at dresses at 4:15pm. There is going to be a Trunk Show with Jenny Lee designs and Jenny Lee with be there. I had no idea who Jenny Lee was until last week but I think it's exciting to meet the person who thought it all up.
People always want to know how I met Jodi. I'm not really sure why this is? but I'm always asked that if we go out with a group and there is someone there I've never met before. Maybe it's because at face value they can't see the ties that bind. They can't see that we both come from crazy families, my family is hands down more bizarre than most I dare say. Their naked eyes miss the fact that over the years we've come to bond as we've come into own and realized who we were.
What we tell them is this.
We met through a mutual friend (who we have both since broken up with). Sometimes you have to break up with friends because it isn't working anymore. All of the same reasons that we break up with a signifigant other. Communication breaks down, we grow up, we need to move on. Jodi broke up with her before I did. I didn't really understand why at the time. I heard her reason why but I couldn't see it for myself. I continued to be friends with them both. I felt like a child of divorce for a little while. I would spend time with one and feel uncomfortable bringing it up in front of the other. I didn't want anyone to feel I wasn't on their side, I wanted to be on both of their sides. Each didn't want to talk of the other. It was uncomfortable and hard for a short time.
Then something happened. My relationship with the friend became forced, awkward, I'd leave her feeling down. After a few months of this I started thinking about breaking up. Friendship has it's ups and downs but it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this painful. She told me it was me, I needed to work on me. I believed her. I tried. It didn't work.
I had to get out. So I just left one day and never looked back. She knew it was over the day I walked out and said, "I'll call later" without emotion. We all know when the end is near, even if we refuse to admit it.
The part Jodi and I never tell is the healing we had together over this ended relationship. We never say that I called her late the night I left her and had tears in my voice as I told her what just happened. We never tell them about the therapy sessions we both had discussing a friendship that stressed us and put pressure on us. We just say that we don't keep in touch with her anymore. The truth is, they don't want to know the gory details anyway.
When I first met Jodi she was a much different person than the one she is today. Today she is genuine. She's meeting her goals and dreaming of the future. She's a work-a-holic still but somethings never change. Being a part of the planning process for her wedding makes me happy. I feel as if we've come full circle in a lot of ways. I found a friend in someone I probably wouldn't have stumbled over myself. All thanks to someone who has left my circle. They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time. Our "friend" was in my life for a season and I believe that Jodi is here for a reason- I'm glad I was smart enough to figure it out in this life time.

One man's trash is another man's treasure

Last night the MIML took me to see my dear friend Irene in Queens. I know he was tired, but he took me anyway. I was picking up a hand-me-down electronic, a television. It was given to her by her son's paternal grandparents (grandparents are always giving someone something).
One man's trash is another man's treasure they say, in my case, one man's trash is another man's trash. The MIML lugged the oversized television down two flights of stairs and then drove me to Brooklyn. He then carried said television UP three flights of stairs to my apartment. He helped me set up all the necessary wires, plugged in all the plugs and then we switched it on. I anticipated a clear, crisp 30-something inch picture on my newish television. What we saw was primetime through a rose colored screen. The fact that everything was shades of pink didn't alarm us at all, we just attempted to adjust controls. We adjusted, then adjusted some more...nothing. It was pushing 10pm by this time and I was getting frustrated and tired. I thanked MIML for all his help and he was out the door with a hug, kiss and my old television in his arms. I got in bed and attempted to adjust the color, tint, sharpness...nothing. After about thirty minutes I called MIML.
"It's not working, I want my t.v. back"
"so go down now, it should still be there"
"aughhhhh....I don't wannnnnaaaaa"
"come on Maria, don't be lazy"
"DON'T CALL ME LAZY, I'M TIRED!"
"calm down, I'm joking"
"bye"
Moments later I was downstairs attempting to carry my very old, very heavy but very working television up three flights. I unattached all wires and plugs from the rose colored television and set it by the door, where trash belongs. I then put Old Faithful in her rightful position atop my IKEA stand re-attached all necessary wires and viola! CSI:Miami the way it should be.
I then called the MIML.
"I got it"
"Good, Is everything okay now?"
"Yeah, I hurt my thumb though. It was heavy"
"Sorry"
"We'll have a good night"
"You too love, I may drive tomorrow"
"Okay, so pick me up"
"Okay, Good night"
"Night"
It was a long night. As I was falling asleep I felt really greatful for the MIML. He's always there to shuttle me around and make sure I'm okay. Even when I just want things and don't really know what I'm getting in to. Even when I just want him to just BE there. Isn't that what we all want? Someone who will be there for us just because? Someone who is on our team routing for us regardless of the cause

decisions

I woke up today with a feeling of dread. I woke up feeling as if I shouldn't be happy for some reason. My mind groggy from sleep, I forced my eyes open and tried to remember why. Ah, yes I received a late night call from a family member in distress. They are trying to decide on a huge life decision and they became overwhelmed last night and called me. Not for advice I'm sure, just to hear a familiar voice on the other end, listening. I did the right thing, I listened. I listened through the tears as her hurt poured out in words through the telephone line. I didn't offer much advice other than, "You have to make a decision that you can live everyday of your life with". It sounds a lot easier to say than to do. I know this first hand.

It's raining it's pouring...

I wish that my job would come up with some more call in days. I can call in sick, request vacation and personal days, I can even take an emergency vacation day. What about a emergency rain day? It's been raining since last week I believe, and it's going to rain for the rest of the week. I hate coming in soaking wet to a building that is still using air conditioning or fans or something that isn't HEAT. It amuses me that you are expected to sit in the wetness and be productive. Well, to combat that wonderful feeling today, I came in prepared. I wore my sweats and sneakers and changed into my nice dry pants and shoes when I arrived at work. It was an improvement to not sit in wet clothes all day long. By the time your clothes dry it's time for you to brave the elements once again.
Today I really wish I could go home and have warm cookies of some sort and a big cup of tea. Then open up my latest Netflix arrivals cozy up in the covers and make a night of it. No cookies for me though. Not this week at least. Next week my eating regiment relaxes a bit and I can add a cookie or two but this week fruit is supposed to get me over the sugar fix. Yeah. Can't wait.
Yesterday I bought two new teas though, so that is kind of exciting. I think. I'm a big tea person. I think I have about 10 kinds at home right now. They're nice to have as the weather cools off.
Before I bought the tea yesterday I stopped at the drugstore. The whole point in going there was to pick up my prescription. I also needed a shower cap. The plastic bag from Pathmark didn't really work to well the other day. So I go in and I become overwhelmed with all the shiny makeup and all the different types of conditioners and the trash magazines. As I'm wandering the aisles I remember that I need cosmetic pads and nail polish remover. Forty-five minutes later I make my way to the register with cosmetic pads, nail polish remover and two shower caps (one for home and one for my over night bag). As the train pulls into my station in Brooklyn I remember what I forgot. My prescription. The one reason why I WENT to the store in the first place. Today I have four post-it's around my desk that say "pharmacy". This should be a no brainer today right?

This post has absolutely no point. I'm rambling.
I want to leave, go home. Go ANYWHERE as long as it's away from here.
I want my boss to go home early and pretend to celebrate Yom Kippur or at least tell me to go home. Someone deserves to be home sipping tea catching up on their Netflix.

Progress Note #2

How is it that a simple hair cut makes you feel 150% better about everything? I love walking out of a Margaret session-I feel like the girl in the Pantene commercial. Bounce bounce shake shake, slow head turn, smile. It's amazing.
I wish it were that easy to solve other problems in life. Snip Snip Done. I've been at the weight thing aggressively for seven days. I'm down 5.9 lbs. It's been painful. I received two compliments this morning asking me if I'd lost weight. That makes it all worth it. I truly does.
I started this adventure as I was pms-ing so you know it's been a crazy week for me. I'm so happy that I stuck it out though, week 1 down-week 2 to go.

I have a function next weekend and I want to go feeling like a new and inspired women. My goal right now is to feel good in my jeans at this event. I have to keep my goals short term at this point so that I don't lose focus. The next goal after the function will be Thanksgiving, gaining that weekend is a given so I'd like to be down by a few pounds and have a cushion. Each day that passes it gets easier to say yes to being healthy. I'm not really craving sugar as much these days but I still remember what cake tastes like. When I find my mind wandering I just redirect my thoughts to the person that I want to see in the mirror. Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was my butt. Slow and steady wins the race.

No one knew your pain until today

We watched through closed eyes, the signs

We assumed you wanted to live your life in a verbal and emotional cage

Aren't people in pain supposed to cry out?

Yell

Kick

Scream

Pray to God to save you?

Is THAT what you were doing all those prayer meeting nights when you prayed your never ending prayers?

Your safe now for a while from him

The gig is up

he'll eat his own words

"All things done in the dark, must come to light"

family

Since the start of the year, my family has been falling. Thankfully the falling has not caused us to fall apart from one another completely. Although, there were moments when I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I'm still not sure, because there are still family members holding resentments in their broken hearts. I was one of them for a time this year. Then I decided that the anger was only killing me, no one else had any idea of the pain I was carrying around in their name. I've decided that in families you can't choose sides. We are all on the same team, however fortunate or unfortunate that is. Not even divorce can divide the team when there are children and grandchildren involved as in my family. I wish other members would start to look at it that way. That we have to be on each others side, really be on each others side. Not just say that you are and then your actions scream otherwise.
I don't know what the future holds but I want to see my family whole again. I have no idea what that will take. Perhaps it will take time and divine intervention. I believe in God, I believe it's possible. I've seen miraculous things happen in my short life and I truly believe that it is possible.

Progress Note #1

I've got two things on my mind. First of all, I've been avoiding the scale like the plague for a few months now. I decided to do this because my weight is a constant thorn in my side and I was tired of obsessing over every pound and everything that I was eating. I wanted to eat and not feel guilt, drink without wondering of the carb count. I wanted to be free. Living free got me 15 lbs fatter. I am officially on lock-down.
I know I've talked this talk before but this time, I'm walking the walk. Official today I am dieting and exercising consistently. From my mouth to God's ears. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin. I refuse. I will keep my progress posted, to keep me accountable. Next progress note will be next Tuesday.

I said I had two things on my mind. This is the second one, on a totally unrelated subject. What is it about another person's success that causes people to lose their minds? Is it that another person's success in life causes you to take a cold hard look at your own, shining a light on your short comings?
I've been thinking, "Have I ever been jealous of a friend?". I have, I can't remember a time I was jealous of material things, but, I remember I've been jealous of other things. I've been jealous of the fact that a person knows what they want to be "when they grow up". I've only just narrowed it down and I'm pushing 30. I've always wished I could have been born knowing like some people. I thought I had been born knowing for a long time but, it was a false alarm. I rest assured in the fact that one day I will know. I mean, that's how it goes...Right??
I've been jealous of friends that have a family, a two car garage and a dog. I don't wish that they didn't have what they have, I just wish I could have it too, one day. I'm not ready for it today. I'm not ready for the responsiblity that comes with the husband/kids package. I want more time to take care of me. It must be nice to know that they're there though. When I'm ready I hope there's still a package left for me. I don't think it's fair to take it sooner than your ready because everyone loses out and then it's not happy and it's not healthy and that's not my plan.
I've been jealous of friends who are thinner than me. I've been more than jealous of those bi-otches actually. Those friends that "run 5 miles a day" and eat cottage cheese for breakfast. Okay, I'm not really jealous of the cottage cheese part. I'm kind of jealous of the "run 5 miles a day" part though, seriously. I mean that is will power and determination at it's best. What is it about my fat a$$ that I can't get out there an do something every day I'm just as good as them. That's why I've decided I have to do something- I can live like this no mas. I want someone to be jealous of me (is that sick?). I can be consistent and persistent and get this weight off, I can. Then when I slide into my sevens without having to jump up and down and wiggle, wiggle, wiggle and put on my cute Vickies top and head out on the town You can envy Me.

Things I need: to be appreciated, chocolate, water, lotion, to know my family is okay, to love, to be loved, hugs, a warm soft bed, pillows, to feel the sun, mangos, my dad's strawberry shortcake, airplane flights to new places, biscuits with butter and honey, my cellphone, Brooklyn, close friends (the ones who REALLY know me), to be able to sleep at the beach a few days a year, good soap, to help others, to let go sometimes, to laugh, to know it's okay to cry, shoes, tea...To be continued.

It's Monday. Please don't let it be a week from hell. It's starting out like that already. I forgot my work keys and ID today. I had to sit and wait for my boss to get in and let me into the office. No early morning quiet time for me to sit and eat breakfast, drink water and catch up on my favorite blogs. There is going to me lots of overtime this week because Friday is my project deadline. It will definetly be a long week. I just don't want it to be hellish. I think that there is a difference.
Yesterday I didn't get out of bed. I was supposed to clean the apartment and take a much needed trip to do laundry. I have one towel left and nothing to wear to work. I couldn't get up. I had a raging headache, the kind that makes you nauseous. I felt to dizzy when I stood up to go downstairs to the corner store. At 5:34pm Jason called to see what I was up to. After I spoke to him I felt ashamed of feeling so sick and forced myself to take a shower, go downstairs and buy a bottle of overpriced Motrin and a bag of cat food. The cat had not eaten all day and really hadn't eaten enough the day before either because all she had was the remnants of dry food that were left in the box. I found some luncheon meat in the refrigerator and gave that to her at one point. I felt bad, neglectful, she depends on me and it wasn't right. She was a big reason why I forced myself downstairs.
When I got downstairs I grabbed a bag of food for indoor cats (it's supposed to keep them from having so many hair balls-in my opinion it doesn't help). Then I went to the counter and pointed to the bottle of pain reliever on the wall that I wanted but the cashier couldn't seem to understand that I wanted the Adult Motrin not the Children's Motrin. Even though I kept saying, "No, the OTHER orange one". Angel came from somewhere in the store and saved the day. Thank you Angel.
Once upstairs, I fed the cat. She took 3 bites and went to lay down. So much for the starving cat theory.
I myself stripped, chased a fitful of pills with a few swigs of water and curled up on the bed in the fetal position. The t.v. watched me as I dosed in and out of consciousness. If I felt pain upon awakening I would force myself back down into sleep. That is the only time I got up yesterday, aside from using the bathroom.
Around 8:00pm I stopped feeling guilty because everyone was getting ready to pack it in right? So I watched a few Sunday prime time shows and fell asleep at some point because I woke up this morning around 6:00am.

pre-date

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm focusing on tomorrow because I can't take anymore of today. Tomorrow after work I'm going to go home and get ready for my date with Jason. It's been a long two weeks and I am really in the mood for some good food, good drinks and TLC. I haven't really decided on what to wear. I should really do the pre-date fashion show tonight so that tomorrow I'm less stressed and can just take a shower and get dressed.

Having the opportunity to sit in the Unit these past few weeks has been an experience. I am doing my best to empathize, I am. Some of them are very sick I realize that. I also emphasize some of them because some of them are just very crazy. I think the chemo affects brain function or something. You think I'm going to hell, do you? Well, I'm sorry after a while working anywhere wears on the nerves a bit. I'm sure you've got jokes at your job also. I just look really evil cause at my job the folks sometimes are on their way to crossing Jordan.
It's been one of those weeks. I know, I know it's tuesday. I've been at work everyday except Sunday since last Monday so pardon me, it's been one of those weeks. I need some time off because I'm getting cold, really cold and it's not good. I'm smiling and nodding and on the inside I'm saying, "If I throw a stick will you go away?". If you don't want to go away I will. I want to cuddle up in my bed right now and sleep but I can't . Good thing I'm in the Urgent Care, maybe I could get one of the RN's to put my tea on IV 'cause I'm slippin' fast.


Tomorrow I'm meeting the girls for drinks and I so need it. I can't wait. Provided I can stay awake long enough to put back a few. My plan is to stay here tonight until I put a dent in my workload, I have a Monday deadline I'm trying to make. This is the biggest thing that I've worked on in my new position and I don't want my boss to think I'm a slacker. I'm not a slacker, I'm a multi-tasker. I can IM, email, blog and work all at the same time, can't you??

weekend plans

I'm feeling good today. I've got a busy weekend ahead and a work week full of overtime behind. Last night I met up with friends for dinner under the guise of "Book Club" at Mizu. I had edamame to start and then the Teka Don with salmon and a couple glasses of sake. It was delish. It was nice to see the girls and catch up. We got so caught up talking about life that we forgot to talk about the book! I left dinner in a very positive mood.
Tonight, I'm headed to the Coffee Shop to stake out a sidewalk table for drinks and people watching. If Union Square isn't the best people watching spot, I don't know what is. People of all shapes and sizes fill the Square at all times of the day. I wonder what they will be protesting tonight? There is ALWAYS a protest going on there. Maybe I'll see Drew Barrymore skateboarding again or that guy from the first Apprentice if he still lives on 14th. Sitting anywhere on the Square you just have to smile and say, "I love New York".
Sunday is an exciting day, I'm taking my self out to see Joss Stone. I'm going alone. I've been to the movies on a Saturday alone, I've even had lunch and early dinners alone. I've never gone out at night to something like this alone. I'm feeling good about it though. I want to step out of the box a little more. I did ask someone to come but they are out of town. I'm excited about being there alone because Joss Stone has an amazing voice and I'll be able to experience it without any distractions. I imagine it will be almost like when I listen to her cd's in my apartment and dance around in front of the mirror lipsyncing the words... only better. It will be better for the general public because I'll have on more than my underwear.

I'm on my way home to Brooklyn and the life I've created. I rarely look at it like that though. I should think of my life more like that. A creation.
I chose to live in Brooklyn, I did. I tried Manhattan it wasn't for me. The same with the Bronx. I dabbled with Queens but, they didn't want me. I suppose there was no place for my brown face in Kew Gardens back then (I experienced blatant verbal racism when I lived there-more than once).
Brooklyn opened her arms to me and I accepted. I chose to live alone the second time around in Brooklyn. I am the eldest of six children, I've rarely been alone. I sacrificed more space via a roommate to go at it alone in a studio. It felt so nice to come home and find things where you left them. To open the refrigerator and to have the food that you left there-still there. My mothers house was always filled with children, some not even related to me. My mother is a lover of children and her motto was, "What's one more?". Our house teemed with children running, playing, eating, laughing and or crying. The sounds were endless. I learned to sleep through any amount of noise. It was just something you had to do-if you wanted to sleep.
I've never regretted it but sometimes...sometimes I could use a goodnight hug or some night cap love, sometimes.
I didn't chose my cat. She was a gift, given to me after a break-up to ease the pain of loneliness. Keeping her was my choice.
For what it's worth I even chose my job-I chose all of it. If I'm unhappy with it then am I to blame?

done.

I'm so tired of people and their attitudes. I'm not going to walk on egg shells, holding my words with both hands to protect your ego. Grow up! I REFUSE to apologize for being me. I've searched so long for who I am, I can not deny me now. Perhaps if you knew who you were my strength would not offend you so. I choose not to live a life of regret. The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own. What do you choose? To snivel and whine your life away?
I hope the day you wake up and see that I was right I'm still here.

I met the girl of my dreams!

I met the girl of my dreams. I did! No, no it's nothing like that (not that there's anything wrong with that). I met the girl of my writing dreams, her name is, Stephanie Klein. She was all that I imagined, all New York girl without the attitude. It was so exciting to see her for the first time...her hair wasn't as red as I imagined, it's more strawberry blonde, her makeup was flawless and her smile warming.
After the workshop I flitted around the room talking to a few teachers all the while preparing to make my way for my introduction. After all, I couldn't get this close and not introduce myself. When I was done with the preliminaries I got in line (there was one person a head of me) to shake her hand. As I approached we made eye contact and I kind of wanted to run out of the room but it was far too late for that.

"Hi, Stephanie. I read your blog and... wanted to introduce myself...Maria"

Reaching both hands out to grasp my one as she smiles.

"Oh, thank you, tell me your name again?..."

"Maria"

"Maria"

Then we chatted a bit, you know, as writers do...

What I learned from Stephanie Klein:

Do it.

Don't be afraid.

I want to make a difference in this world, I want to write honestly and with all my heart. I'm a bit afraid but I'm going to Do it anyway.

I sat on the bed with you, wrapped up in your arms wishing you would stay. I wished you could see how much that I needed you. My head rested on your superman tatoo, I breathed in your scent and I wished that you could save me. From myself.
You took my face in your hands and turned my head to you. Your eyes looked sad.

"You know what's so sad?, Your beautiful and you don't even know it", you whispered and then you left.

A Memory

The year is 1995. Method Man and Mary are "All I need to get by", Mariah's in a "Fantasy" and Guru has "Mass Appeal. Chicka and I were up to our usual tricks and I was "going out" with "E", it didn't get better than that. In some ways I think I knew it was good, that I needed to savor the moments like you savor the last bite of your favorite dessert. You don't want it to end, even though you know that it has to. So, you kind of hold it in your mouth for a few seconds longer before you swallow so the taste lingers.

We had good times, me and "E". I don't want them back though. Sometimes people say how they want to go back, I don't. It was good, but I want to keep it there, I can go back and relive the memories.
I always kinda had in the back of my mind that one day when we were 50 something, we'd "get together with the kids" and the signifigant others and talk about the old days. I never imagined that it would be like this. That you'd be gone without a good bye, or a true reconciliation. I always thought I had more time. I got the message from my mom that you asked about me a while back, and I meant to get back to you but…life happened and then it was lower down on my to-do list. This way is so much more painful because there's so much I had left to say. It's all right there at the tip of my tongue and I need to dish. I need to tell you what's been going on since we last spoke and I need to hear your laugh and see you smile. Just don't seem like, fair. Just don't seem fair that you had to go so soon. Just doesn't seem fair that it's forever, it's so, final. You can't cry to make it stop, you can't press rewind. That's it.
I don't want to go back and relive the memories because you can't come.

I'm all for adoption

I've never had maternal pangs. I've never felt like I couldn't have a complete life it I didn't have children. I just never have. I've had maternal "pinches" if you will. Like when I spend time with my nieces or a friends kids and they're just so dawg garn cute, and I could just swish-em and kiss-em and love-em to death.
I have wondered what a child of mine would look like though, I've even gone so far as to include the features of the Man in my life(MIML) at the time. It's not that I don't love children, oh but I do. I love them bunches, this is why I am so hestitant to have one. I mean, what kind of mother would I BE?? I don't do well on limited sleep. I like to shower and change my clothes daily. Don't even lie, I have mother-friends and mother-sisters and I KNOW that sometimes just the daily basic needs are a chore.
I remember the 2 days I spent helping my sister with the kids after my brother-in-law had the motorcycle accident. It was all about pampers and feedings and cleaning up and holding. There wasn't much time spent with showers, sleep or eating. Sitting down doing nothing, having a moment to yourself to think or let your mind wander wasn't on the daily to-do list.
Then there is the whole labor thing, no one ever really wants to delve into that whole subject now, do they? I swear, every time someone close comes home from having a baby the FIRST thing that I ask is so, "How was it REALLY?". I ask because it's always a vague answer like, "Oh, it wasn't as bad as I thought" or "It hurt a lot but it was over fast". I feel like there is a blue wall of silence with this whole labor and delivery thing. I feel like they are all secretly conspiring with each other to claim another member.
I've seen the heads of some newborns and their heads are BIG. Newborn-shmewborn those suckers got heads like melons. I have trouble making some days and it's no where as large as a head.
I'm all for adoption.
I'm not being fair I suppose, I'm only stating the negative, the hard stuff. There is a lot of good stuff too, I've heard. They're sweet at "that age" that age where they depend on you and you depend on them to give you unconditional love. Then they get a little older and being to verbalize the world as they see it. We have all experienced life "from the mouth of babes". They say it how they see it, straight up and raw. It makes us laugh until we cry sometimes. This is the good stuff; this is the stuff you remember. This is the stuff I could miss out on.
Today I found out that the MIML who is having paternal pangs, has TWINS that run in his family. His paternal grandmother had twin boys. His father didn't have any. If my high school biology serves me correctly this means the MIML is due for a double bundle of joy. So let's say we "made it official" ... the possibilities!
Here I was hesitant of the mother I would be to one child and there is a possiblity of TWINS! and you know it's so going to happen to me because well, "this is my life" and if it can happen it will happen to me. I admit I'm rushing a bit a head of myself. I've got myself married and pregnant and we've only been dating for 6 months.
Maybe I'm being overly anxious. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's just that, I'm getting "older" (there I said it) and "everyone's doing it". Everyone is getting married and having babies or some variation there of and here I am with my MIML and an unsure future. Not that marriage is a sure anything, I've learned. I don't feel pressure in the sense that I want to do it because others are, I feel pressure from within to decide for myself which way I want to sail this ship.
It's not that I don't want children in my life. I'm open to adoption which is a much less painful option. However, this is not something that I want to do alone. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to go down the single-mother-take-on-the-world road. I need a husband to stand by me with his hand on my elbow to make sure that when I stumble down road of motherhood that I don't fall. I know there are plenty of women out there strong, intelligent woman making the choice to do it alone. There are some of those same women who had the choice made for them. I want to make the choice to have a child when I'm ready with someone who is equally ready 'cause twins is double duty!

100 things

1. I'm kinda scared of growing old-but I'm beginning to realize that it's a blessing.
2. I grew up on Long Island.
3. I'm an aunt to 3 nieces.
4. I fear rejection.
5. I am terrified of the backlash this blog may bring, but I want to speak what is on my heart.
6. I love the beach and to travel.
7. I had my first drink as a Junior in college-I was afraid that if I drank I would become an alcoholic.
8. My father is an alcoholic.
9. I've never done any drugs, not even weed.
10. I want to adopt children one day.
11. I will not have a child unless I'm married.
12. I'm a huge fan of Seinfeld. The season ended on my 22nd birthday.
13. That is the day I graduated from NYU.
14. I have a cat.
15. I don't care for dogs at all, I think that they are all wild beasts waiting to turn on you. In April 2005 one bit me. I was just walking down the street and did nothing to instigate the attack.
16. I have a hard time taking criticism or compliments. I often take them personally and feel like I don't deserve either.
17. I am really working on this-it is a flaw.
18. I'm glad I got to see New Orleans pre-Katrina.
19. I don't drink carbonated beverages but sometimes I have a swig of Pepsi (only Pepsi) with my pizza.
20. My mom's name was Grace Kelly before she was married.
21. I studied karate.
22. I was assaulted on the subway twice. Which is why I did #21.
23. I was never assaulted again.
24. I am severely allergic to shellfish, especially shrimp. I could die if I eat it.
25. All of my grandparents are dead.
26. I love food. I can't even pick a favorite cuisine-depends on my mood.
27. My music taste depends on my mood.
28. I've taking piano lessons at different points in my life. The last time was college, I got kinda good but haven't praticed in years.
29. I was in love with John Starks (formerly of the New York Knicks) in High School.
30. I went to my first Yankees game Summer of 2005.
31. I don't have a drivers license-but I will soon.
32. I dated a married man. I didn't know he was married at first...Then I did.
33. I like the color purple.
34. I used to date a lot of losers. For 2005 I decided "No Mas".
35. I met a nice guy.
36. I never like the way that I look in pictures.
37. I don't curse...Ever - for serious...
38. I was in therapy for 3 years. I stopped because it was really expensive but sometimes I wish I still had that outlet.
39. I believe in God.
40. I believe in Satan. You should too-after all, he believes in you.
41. I'm not registered with a political party.
42. I only became interested in politics in the last few years. What I've learned is some scary 'ish.
43. I worked at Bloomingdales in the evenings last holiday season. It was a lot of fun.
44. My middle name is Michel (pronounced My-Kel) but I tell everyone it's pronounced Michelle.
45. I bought and read, "He's just not that into you".
46. I love shoes.
47. I love pocket books.
48. I have too many of each.
49. I am afraid of being judged.
50. I am afraid of being labeled.
51. I was sometimes teased in elementary school. I don't remember why.
52. I dated the Homecoming King in High School.
53. I pee ALOT.
54. I like kisses on the cheek.
55. I have secrets I can't tell.
56. I don't play video games. I don't know how.
57. I don't have cable.
58. I wasn't allowed to watch much t.v. growing up.
59. I read a lot. I still do.
60. Dean Koontz is my favorite writer. I would like to meet him.
61. Christy Turlington was in my freshman psychology class. I didn't realize who she was until half-way through the semester. I just thought that she was really pretty.
62. I sometimes wish I had an older sibling.
63. I'm the oldest.
64. I want to make a difference in the world.
65. I am a very organized person.
66. Sometimes I want to just pick-up and go-move somewhere else, start over.
67. I never again want to live on Long Island.
68. If I had a little girl, I would name her Davis.
69. I believe everyone should have a cake on their birthdays.
70. I prefer homemade cake to bakery cake any day.
71. I don't drink coffee.
72. I believe in karma.
73. Sometimes I take diet pills.
74. I go to church. Sometimes I miss.
75. I like to make people laugh.
76. I have a sarcastic sense of humor.
77. I went to college pre-med.
78. I'm not a doctor.
79. I'm going back to school for photography.
80. I think that's what I want to be when I grow up.
81. I'm addicted to lotion. I must be moisturized at all times. This included my lips.
82. Friends make fun of me for this.
83. I've worn glasses since I was 8 or 9.
84. I got my period when I was 9.
85. When I was a little girl I always felt "older" mentally.
85. I have bouts of depression.
86. I started therapy because I was so sad that I was afraid if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop.
87. Therapy really helped a lot. I've got a better handle on life but sometimes I still have sad days.
88. I usually initiate get togethers with friends.
89. I have a bbq in Prospect Park every summer.
90. Sometimes I wonder what people see when they see me...
91. I have a gap between my teeth. I've never wanted braces because of it.
92. I'm always cold. I carry a pashmina-type shawl in my bag year round.
93. I love yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
94. I don't really like to cook. I sometimes bake during the winter months though.
95. I wanted to be married by the time I was 27.
96. I'm not good at lying.
97. I don't like getting my hands dirty. I wear gloves for dirty jobs.
98. I relax (chemically straighten) my own hair.
99. I generally don't wear one scent alone, I mix.
100. I don't send my laundry out. I can't stand the thought of someone touching my dirty clothes. (at the end of 2005-I started to send it out because I never had time to do it myself. It's not as bad as I thought)
101. I hate the sound that you hear when someone picks at their nails.
102. I hate winter.
103. I buy bathing suits online in the winter to cheer myself up.
104. I have to prepare myself weeks in advance when I have an appointment with "That Doctor" I hate it that much.
105. My uncle's name is R. Kelly
106. I'm a 36B and I don't mind-it's a handful, and that's all I need.
107. Everyone always asks me to google stuff for them.