I'm baaaccckkk...

Actually I've been back a few days. I've been swamped with work and life but I will update soon. Things are good with me I mean Mariah Carey is in concert (tickets WILL be gotten-I'm in the fan club so I get pre-sale tickets!) and I have already got tickets for X-Men: The Last Stand on Friday. It don't get much better n' dat!!

Leaving on a jet plane, unfortunately I know exactly when I'll be back again...May 23rd.

See you then.

Dear God,

It's me, Maria. I'm too through. If I wasn't going on vacation this weekend I'd probably be going to jail because everyONE and everyTHING is getting on my nerves. I haven't lost it though. I'm hanging in there cause I can see my silver lining. Only thing is it's blue not silver and the lining is water.

In other unrelated but equally important news, I woke up at 3am this morning. Instead of beating myself back to bed I watched the Jeffersons. I love watching the that television show, it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside. Maybe it's just because it reminds me of a simplier time? After that I had a bowl of oatmeal because it's the only thing eatable that I had to eat in the house. I really need to start buying food. For serious.

Next I organized my kitchen cabinets. This didn't take long because only two of the four cabinets contain food items. Well, if you consider spices (for food I never have) and a million boxes of tea- food items then well, yeah. Don't forget the aluminum foil, I got 3 rolls of that. It's good for wrapping up left over take out.

Project number 3 was washing the dishes. Three bowls, three cups and a few forks and spoons later I was done. Next, I focused my energy on the "pantry" (read:refrigerator). I use the "pantry" to not only store items that need to be kept at a lower temperature but also to store my tupperware, pots, pans and whatever else I want to keep out of sight. I dumped anything old and made everything neat. Now all I need is some food and I'll be set.

Project number 4 was to reorganize my cd's (yes, I still use them). I have a tendency to use a cd and not return it to it's rightful case. After a few weeks I have a stack of cds and a bunch of empty cases. This morning I matched cd cases to cd's. I did all of this before 6am!

Last night I did a bulk of my packing so I'm nearly good to go.

...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will not be negative I will celebrate my life. I will smile. I will see the blessing of having another day to live and I will be thankful for my .... years of life. Hey, I'm still a work in progress! I'm not ready to say it outloud yet...

Lead me not into temptation...I know my way

In a last ditch act of insuring a flat stomach while on vacation-I've given up sugar. Of course, now it is the only thing that I think about day and night. I am determined though, forget about the thunder in my thighs, or the jiggle in my arms, these things won't matter when you see my flat stomach.
I have two more work days this week (I'm off tomorrow) and a crap load of "things to do" still. First and foremost, I need to pack. I'm a slow packer. I usually start packing about a week and a half out. This insures that I don't forget anything. As of today I haven't packed a stitch of clothing. Grant it some of those stitches are still at the wash-n-fold waiting for me to pay $31.75 and pick them up, something that I was supposed "to-do" on Sunday. I have packed in my mind though...so that should speed up the process a bit. I've bought a few new pieces for this trip-I kind of had too. My vacation pictures were begining to look oddly like one long long vacation. There might be more of me to love this time around but gosh darnit if I won't look cute!
Secondly, I need to get there mentally. The month started off really rough and I haven't quite been able to get to vacation zone in my mind yet. I still haven't grasped the fact that it is indeed May and I'm leaving this weekend.
This is the first vacation for the man and I. We will head to Miami for a few days before we jet over to Cancun. Don't you love the way that sounds! I can almost smell the salt in the air and visualize the frozen drink in my hand.
I've been forewarned that quite a few break ups have occurred following a couples vacation to South Beach. I say, "I'll take my chances". I am really excited to have the opportunity to share my two loves with one another. Summer starts on Sunday...I'm So Excited!!!!!!

It doesn't matter if your black or white

Last week I read a post dealing with racial issues. It dealt with being a black woman in a world that can't seem to accept you because your not "black" enough. It struck a cord with me on so many levels.
I'm So tired of this debate. I'm so tired with people telling me I "sound white". I'm so tired of being accused of not being black enough. Of people telling me that I don't think I'm black. Your right, I don't "think" that I'm black, I "know" that I am.
Why does being black have to be equated with poor speech, a style of dress or the music that you listen to? Those are always the first things that are attacked when someone is deemed not black enough. The funny thing is that the white folks think that I'm too black for them.
That leaves me in limbo.
I haven't felt like this for quite some time but, ever so often I come across someone who plays that old tune. Someone who thinks they know who I am- "Oh, your from Long Island, that's why you talk like that". No, I talk like this because this is how my black mother talked to me.
Why can't we all just be human beings and try to co-exist? Why can't I listen to whatever I want to on the radio and have an appreciation for all music? I love and appreciate Hip-hop and R&B but it's not the only music on the planet. Black folks started rock and roll.
I grew up in a home where every human being was presented as equal. Yes, some preconcieved ideas snuck in here and there, that is human nature. I was encouraged to stay true to who I am. I've struggled with this. I've even doubted myself at times-wondering if the haters were right. One thing that I love about New York City is that everyone gets to be whoever they want to be. If whoever that person is happens to be a bit out there it's just chalked up to, "Only in New York". I've never felt more free than living here. There are the moments though when I'm slapped in the face with the realization that even HERE it's still not safe.

Inhale...Exhale...Inhale...Exhale...

As I came off my high of finishing the half marathon last week I had a death in the family. My first reaction was one of sadness at the loss of my uncle. Although we had never been very close he always attended family functions with a smile on his face and a hug for everyone. My aunt and uncle were extremely close as were their children and they are taking this loss very hard. My sadness and hurt was for them, I can barely imagine the pain they must feel. The lost a brother and uncle whose daily life was intricately interwoven with theirs in such a way that his death leaves a gapping hole. There is no way to measure the pain. My uncle leaves behind a 23 year old shadow. It is the only way to describe the relationship that this father and son shared. There was rarely one without the other. They lived and breathed each one another. When I think about the pain of losing a parent I almost want to cry. I once had a dream that my mother had left this earth and in my dream I couldn't stop screaming. The emptiness and lonliness felt heavy and dark on my chest, I could hardly take in a breathe. I woke up with tears in my eyes and immediately called my mom to make sure she was okay. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my mom. I wouldn't want to be on this earth anymore. I just don't see the point. Even thinking about the day, a day...I can't...I can't think about this.

Past tense:

There is always one that you have to get out of your system. They are poison for you, and you know this but, they get "in" you and you can't get over the addiction. His name was, well, I am opting to protect the less than innocent. He was my latin love. I think every girl should have one-they're good for the soul.
We met at the gym. It was the first and only time that I met someone in which the initial meeting had a palpable chemistry. You could smell the pheromones and feel the eletricity. He was my self esteem booster. To be looked at the way he did, there wasn't any other way to feel. He was very sure of himself in an almost cocky way and yet, you couldn't turn away. You (I) listened to him. I kind of wanted him to boss me around, as much as it angered me-I kept coming back for more. Whatever he gave, I took. Some where along this story things got really twisted. The fun game ended and the lies began. Honestly, the lies were always there I suppose it's just that I got tired of hearing them. I got tired of half truths and deception. Chemistry was no longer enough to hold me. I needed more. I felt that I deserved more.
I grew up.
One day I opened my eyes, I mean really opened my eyes and knew that I couldn't do this anymore. I deleted him from my phone and asked that he do the same. I went through withdrawal but it was worth it to have back my sanity. I got over him. Slowly slowly I got over him. He made a brief reappearance claiming rebirth, asking for a chance to prove himself. I declined.
On Saturday he came back. Well, it wasn't HIM actually, it was just his scent. He sat next to me on the subway platform surrounded by a cloud of Acqua di Gio. The smell knocked me back a few years and took my breathe away for a moment. Then I was back. I couldn't help but smile. I'm glad for the memories but, it lets me know how far I've come. How much more I know myself and the things I want and don't want. I've had the opportunity to go down that rocky road again but, I chose not to. I am proud of myself for that.

10 of lifes simplest pleasures

(I was tagged last week to do this)

1. Enjoying nature (in the springsummer).

2. Any time that I get to spend with my family.

3. Coming home to a roommate-less apartment.

4. Laughing with Jason.

5. Sharing time/food/drinks with people with whom I hold a history.

6. Getting dressed once and having everything fit.

7. A favorite pair of jeans.

8. When everything is paid and you've got money to burn.

9. A new perfume.

10. The night before vacation.

Cats in the craddle and the silver spoon

Overheard on the bus yesterday:

Son: "I wanna be like you when I grow up, I wanna be a singer!"
Father: "Yeah?" he says smiling
Son: "No, wait I wanna be like Uncle Teddy when I grow up!"
Father: "No, no you can't be like Uncle Teddy"
Son: "Why not?"
Father: "Uncle Teddy still doesn't know what he wants to be yet...but he's gonna figure it out, yeah, he's gonna figure it out"

I've been avoiding writing because I'm feeling funky. I have 126.86 hours in my vacation bank as we speak and 25 days till I head to Laguardia Airport. My skin is the color of cafe au lait and I so see myself as more of an island girl...I prefer my skin the color of semi-sweet. The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice has always been my motto.
The weather has been inconsistent and it's playing with my emotions. One day the sun is shining and I get to wear my new sunglasses. The very next day I have to remember to secure my scarf around my neck to fight off the cold winds. Can't anything in life be constant? Can't I at least be able to depend on the weather. Even as I'm writing that it doesn't make sense. The weather is the only change that is constant, unfortunately.
Friday I had dinner with the First Wives Club. They took the train from the 'burbs to celebrate Best Gal Pals birthday. In the mist of the rain we dined on southern italian and drank in each others stories. I was glad I came out, even as I made my way through the maze of people in Times Square looking for a pair of cheap comfortable shoes to relieve BGP's swollen pregnant feet. It wasn't quite a summer night out...but I could almost feel it. As the weather gets nicer, the plans for "let's get together" seem all the more tangible. I can't wait for afterwork drinks at the seaport followed by "we should get something to eat, you hungry?". It's what summer in New York is all about.

Watch out world here I come!

I'm learning to drive. This is my latest goal, a license. I've given up on the friends and family who have promised to "teach me to drive". I get one or two lessons out of them and that's it. It's not due to my skill level either! A couple of weeks ago after taking a good hard look at my permit, I realized, that it expires this year on my birthday. How could five years have come and gone so soon?

Shortly after making that discovery I bit the proverbial bullet and paid to enroll in a driving school. My instructors name is John. I like John. John is nice. John has patience. John used to teach mentally retarded children...not to drive...that was my question when he told me that!
I've had two lessons on the these mean Manhattan streets. I am alive to tell the story.

I was really nervous at the first lesson. It wasn't my first time behind the wheel but it was my first time with the so much traffic around me. The school in located in the Union Square area and my lessons are generally at the time of rush hour. Thankfully due to the huge "Student Driver" sign on the top of the car I have recieved some courtesy. I was only honked at once for not moving fast enough after the light changed from red to green. The honk of annoyance came from a yellow cab driver and in my book they don't count. They have very limited patience and often limited driving skills themselves. Other than that lesson number one went smoothly. Slowly but smoothly.

At lesson number two I made a conscious effort to be more relaxed. I can't worry about the cars around me. I have to relax and remember what to do. My parallel parking was really good in lesson number two.

I have three formal lessons and then my road test on May 10th.

Last night I drove home from Coney Island. I was really nervous but, I did fine. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I'm being productive and doing positive things for myself. Now all I have to do is find my way to the gym at some point in the near future because I haven't been all week. I'm running 10 miles tomorrow though so ...that's gotta count for something...

Commitment

One month from today I will be 29 years old. I've been having some crazy thoughts today. Thoughts that involve leaving New York and living somewhere else for a few years. Just quitting and packing and leaving and starting a new chapter. My stomach jumps and gets nervous at the thought of it but, why not? I couldn't keep the feelings inside any longer and I ran it by "him" just to see where his head is at in all of this. His heart is open to the possibility of adventure and that makes me smile. I've talked like this before but it was in abstract. This year I want to see how it could possibly come to life-I want to get a real plan. I'm researching and reading and I won't stop until I have some answers. I'm sure my vacation next month will get the creative juices flowing...

I keep a favorite "What I know for sure" article by Oprah on my desk and lately more than ever I want to keep it in the fore front of my mind. "Once you decide what you want, you make a commitment to that decision" I want to commit to making my life more of what I want this year.

No regrets

I made a new friend this summer. He is a physically fit gentleman in his mid-fifties with a hearty sense of humor and a personality larger than life. His body is his personal canvas. He has adorned himself head to toe in sentimental works of art. He is a father and a husband. He is living with cancer. Yesterday he found out he is dying.

Have you ever wondered what if would feel like to know that your dying, and there isn't anything you can do about it? There is no cure. No hope. All you have is today. All any of us really have is today isn't it? We forget that but it's true.

Thinking about how it must feel to be in his place had me really upset last night. I even dreamed that my doctor called me and told me that "I" was dying. The mind is a crazy thing. I tried to think about what I would do? Who I would go see? How would I live out my last days? I feel weird even writing about this. "We first start dying the day of birth" isn't that how the saying goes? (sigh)

I don't want to live my life with regrets. To date I have only one. It is not something that I can change so I try not to dwell on it. I want to have the courage to say all the things that I mean, all the things that are on my heart. My intention is not to hurt or offend others but to live. This blog is one way that I can do this. It's semi-anonymous but it's a small world out there. My words will ruffle feathers but, that's the point. I don't want to live life standing on the side lines-I want to get in and play the game.

My monday morning 2 cents

I hate waiting for the penny. You know the penny in change that you get back when something is $1.99 or $1.49? That penny. I just bought a bag of overpriced pretzels in the giftshop, they were $1.49 so I gave the cashier one dollar and two quarters. Then I waited the awkward wait while he made the change. I guess he didn't expect me to stick around for the penny because he glanced up kinda surprised that I was still there and asked, "Would you like a bag?" "Urgh, uhm no, no" I mumbled as I reached out for my penny feeling like Oliver Twist. Should I not take the penny? It is mine, I work (okay, maybe not) really hard for my pennies.
My other thing is when the bodega guy charges me for the penny. He'll charge me $2.00 for something that is $1.99. I don't think that this is fair either. My whole thing is that pennies add up to dollars and dollars add up to down payments for houses, groceries, vacations and well, maybe I'm stretching it but you get where I'm going with this. Every little bit counts.

I feel guilty because I don't feel any emotion. I feel nothing, if I feel nothing then maybe I am feeling...it is just that the emotion is nothing-ness. I'm worried because shouldn't I feel mad or sad or glad? something would be better than this nothing numbness that I feel.

The only thing I really feel is that I wish it had happened to you.

Last night I had my first workout at Lucille Roberts in downtown Brooklyn. Now being that it's in downtown Brooklyn, you know it was interesting. If you don't know-I'll tell you. Let's just say, all of Taquan's baby mutha's was there. I know, I know that's not fair but, true isn't always fair. All jokes aside, since I've never been to a Lucille Roberts I didn't really know what it would be like. At this particular location the main focus is classes. The class area is on the main gym floor (the whole gym is the main gym floor actually, it's small) and the weights and cardio machines are on the perimeter facing the class. During class the backs of the participates are to the people training on machines. I actually liked that part because the upbeat music that they use can be heard by everyone working out and it really helped me last night.

I just don't understand why women are so catty towards each other. I picked Lucille Roberts not only because of the price and location but because it's all women. I was tired of feeling to intimidated to use the free weights or machines where all the muscle heads congregated. I'm too sensitive I suppose. I need to grow tougher skin and not give a crap what other peoples agendas are. I'm trying to work on this.

Overall I'm glad that I joined. It's not a fancy place to work out but it will get the job done. I have 6 weeks left before I have to take it all off and I want to be ready. I mean, I'm already fabulous so can you imagine the unveiling?!

It doesn't hurt less because I know your angry. My face still gets hot and my jaw clenches when you hurl out words in frustration that you'll regret later. Even though you said it in a whisper it still falls on my heart like a ton of bricks. I heard every word.

Drunk dialing

Last night I was drunk dialing. Only I wasn't drunk, at least I don't think I was. There was something in that frozen Mojito that did something to me. Seriously. When I got home I had this really strange desire. All I wanted in the world was to be on vacation. I wanted to pack my things and head to the airport. Do you know what it feels like to spend the day at the beach nodding in out of naptime with the sun caressing your body and the sound of the ocean in your ears? Do you know what it feels like to return back to your hotel just as the sun is setting to shower and get dressed for the night ahead? The smells of salt water and your after beach snack mingle closely as you gear up for a night of people watching and dancing. Last night I felt like I should be taking a shower and then getting dressed to go out, vacation out.
With track 15 of Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi on repeat I dug out the photo albums, poured a glass of water and called My Dear Friend Irene. No answer. So, I called her home phone, still no answer. As I continued to thumb through the pictures I took a trip down memory lane, note to self-get rid of the ex-files. Page after page reflected back to me my past. Places I've been people I've known, then I saw her, Nicole. I haven't spoken to her since the new year and my fingers searched for her number in my phone. On the first try I dialed her old cell phone and was greeted by the piercing "do-Do-DO, the number you have reached is no longer in service". I panicked because it was almost 10:30pm and I didn't want to call her house directly and risk waking up the kids or her parents but, I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear a familiar voice, I just did. Okay, maybe I was drunk.
While I was looking for the new cellphone number, My Dear Friend Irene called. Her voice filled with sleep she wanted to know if everything was okay.
"Yeah, it's just that, I need to go on vacation. I can't take it anymore 'rene I can't. I'm dying on the inside. I want to just pack my bags and go in the morning, that's all I want". "I'm looking at pictures of the first time in Miami. I see Tito and Micky and, and-what's that guys name?? Danny right? yeah Danny".
"Maria you need to go to sleep"
"I don't want to sleep I want to talk"
"Okay well, I'm going to sleep"
"Auughhhh, I hate you"
Click.
With a little more searching I found Nicole's new cell number and dialed. She had to call me back. When she did we talked briefly, quick family updates and a promise to get together. She's off most Sundays so we will get together soon. It's always "soon" isn't it? "Well do something soon", "See you soon", soon sucks, 'cause sometimes soon doesn't happen. We however, do have a date and it is soon.

Be afraid, be very afraid

It doesn't take much to get me in at tizzy. This wins first prize. I've known about this colon cleansing stuff for a few years know but, this is so graphic. I'm really messed up over this, I have parasites? I can't even bring myself to look at the testimonial pictures. I accidently saw half of one picture and had to scroll back up. It ain't nuthin nice. I think I need to use my newfound drugs to get me through this difficult time.
My Best Gal Pal's husband is taking the plunge, or rather, he's about to BE plunged. The goods arrived today as we chatted on the tellie. After reading about all the crap (pun intended) that came out of all the other customers I asked, "Are you going to look? Are you going to look and see what comes out?" "I might" she said, "I just want to see if it's that nasty".
No one believes me but when I "go" I don't look. Ever. Yes, I've caught a glance here and there for one odd reason or another but, generally, I flush before I even leave the bowl. What am I looking at that crap (again, pun intended) for?!
So, needless to say I haven't eaten much today. I can't believe THIS is what it took to keep me from shoveling food in my mouth all day. Maybe I SHOULD look at the pictures and beat this demon head on?

Okay, I'm done talking about things that come out of your butt. Now let's talk about things that go on your face. Things like the fabulous vintage Gianfranco Ferre sunglasses I tried on last night. That I plan to buy soon, very soon, like today or tomorrow when I get the nerve to spend the money. They aren't flashy, they are classic and I love them. In all honesty they aren't that expensive to the average person but, I generally don't pay more than $15.00 for a pair of sunglasses. Eyeglasses, well, for that I'll splurge a bit more for. I just don't get to spend enough time in the sun to justify such a luxurious purchase when it comes to sunglasses(If only my job didn't interfere with my love of travel so much). This summer however, is scheduled to be fan-tab-u-lous and I should be also because well, I am!

To my family with Irish roots: I celebrate you

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, quick to make friends, but rich or poor, quick or slow, may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.