Dear God, It's me - Maria

So many days I want to "write". I want to get it all out, put it all down in black and white but things get in the way and life keeps rolling on. Maybe I hesitate because I want to tell a story or something because that is kind of why I started but some days I just want to write what happened or how I feel. It's not always exciting sometimes is just a kept the baby alive today. This baby stuff is hard work. The mom support group helps reassure me that I'm not the only one that feels "this way" or "thinks that" good, bad or other. I think I'm starting to mourn my maternity leave but at the same time I'm trying to stay present because this is really a great time for us.

I AM mourning my old life. I'm trying to imagine this new life that I'll now have but its hard because my mind just can't imagine it. Even if I could come up with something that something would be wrong - just like it was wrong about how I'd be feeling and living now. It's so much better and worse then anything that I pieced together during the nine months of anticipation.

When I think about returning to work, I think about it in the context of the summer season. I see happy hours around the city that start at 5pm on Friday evening and end with me running to make the last bus back to the armpit of America. My mind doesn't stay here in the world of two-fers long though before I'm summoned by my new pint sized boss and brought back to my new reality. The phrase 'poppin bottles' takes on a whole new meaning in my new role. I'm having the sneaking suspicion that my new happy hour is going to be that hour I make it back home and get to spend time with my sweet girl.

I declare

I am beautiful, bountiful and brave! what are you?

T minus 0

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Scratch that, today is Monday. It's not just ANY manic Monday though, today is the first Monday of January and we ALL know what that means. It means promises and resolutions [read: lies we tell ourselves] to get ups in the mood to have a good year. It's a strategy that we folks use at the beginning of the year to motivate ourselves. I'm not downing it...I'm a not only the president I'm also a client.

Today I begin a fitness contest aka tranformation contest called The Thinner Circle. Today I recommitt to the fitness and nutrition goals that I left at the Thanksgiving table two or so months ago.

I actually started a couple days ago but today is the official contest start. I figured if I tried to go cold turkey today I would ikely be a danger to myself and others as I go through sugar withdrawal. This morning however was the first time that I moved my butt in two weeks - and that was painful. My body actually woke before the 5am alarm and I had to talk myself out of just laying in bed and pretending that I ever made any promises. Promises were made to be broken right? I think I remember hearing that somewhere.

Of course after the workout, "I felt so much better" (can you hear the sarcasm?). Seriously though, I really did!

I'm excited about the next 12 weeks. My goal is to lose 30 lbs...did I actually just say that out loud?

Kelly Green

Jealousy is ugly. In reality it takes, it takes your pride some times even friendships it's like a black hole of sorts. Some times I feel jealous - not so much for the material things of life but rather situations. Maybe it's just fear that I'm feeling, yeah that's it. That's what I want to believe anyway. No one wants those kind of green eyes. Everyone expects you to be happy for them and supportive and loving and give a crap but some times you don't care some times you just want to climb on top of them so that you can finally, finally exhale.

How I Raised My Brother

A little over a year ago my brother came to visit me...and never left. I have to accept some responsiblity because I agreed to the arrangement but I can admit that I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. It's been a rollercoast ride of emotions as we slipped in and out of the blurred lines of a sister/brother mother/son relationship.

On many accounts it's been a long year of late nights spent worrying as I was forced into the role of surrogate mother for my teenage brother. But after wrestling a few demons to the ground he's emerged a new man.

On Thursday he told me that he's moving out in a couple weeks. This was part of the original plan - the arrangement was designed to be a hand up, not a hand out. I know how important and helpful hand ups can be - I've been blessed to have some really special people in my life who have helped me along the way. I can't even begin to pretend to have arrived but I've come along way baby and truly believe that it's because of the beautiful people that God has sent my way.

I'm really proud of my brother, he's come a long way since the day he arrived. I'd love to think that I had something to do with that.

A few of my favorite things

I recently learned of a little experiment circulating cyberspace. People around the country have committed to taking a picture a day for 365 days and blogging about it. I'm committed to blogging about a picture a day - even if I didn't take it that day. I'll likely make up the rules as I go along - but what else is new.

Day 1 -

This photo was taken en route to Jamaica and captures one of my favorite sights, an airplane wing. The sight of an airplane wing represents freedom, relaxation, fun and adventure to me. I thought it appropriate that I start my project out with one of my favorite things.

Life moves

Dear Diary,

I haven't been able to get my thoughts organized enough to write anything coherent or meaningful in a while. One would think that when you are writing to yourself those things wouldn't really matter, right?

Lately I've been struggling with my next "life move" and I think that the confusion is adding to my writers block. I'm pretty sure that I want to go back to school. The thing I'm not 100% sure about is for what. The areas of study that I'm entertaining require at least a year of pre-requisite study and I'm looking forward to that like a hole in the head. My theory is that the pre-reqs will make or break my decision - if I can't hang with the big boys during that part, it's not for me. My timeline is to begin in the fall and my gut is to just go with it. I don't want to play chicken with my dreams and goals and I feel like that is what I'm doing if I hold out any longer.

The dawn of spring had really boosted my mood and energy level. I'm taking time off in April, May and June and I can't wait. In April I get to spend time with mommy and the rest of the family, May I'll be with The Man in Jamaica and June it's an all girls weekend in SoBe. The thought of summer so close makes me deliriously happy. I'm certain that after some time to relax and spend time with family and friends I'll emerge with a clear heart and mind to do what I was called to do.

Wishing me all the best - always,

Me

The C-R-A-Z-Y

I'm getting my period next week. That means that this week I've got the crazies. It won't take much to set me off the deep end or send me into uncontrolable sobs. There will be nothing that you can do to please me from this point on until it's over. Any and/or every word out of your mouth is bound to piss me off. Since I've realized my pattern I try to actively keep myself in check and manage my reactions and emotions during this time period. It works...sometimes.

I wish that I wasn't like this - it's draining, not only on me but my relationships as well. I've tried medication but it only works when you remember to take it. For now, I'm going to try to have a good night. I decided to write a little to calm myself down because I was getting pretty worked up over things that I have absolutely no control over. I cannot control another persons actions -only my own. Tonight, in the battle of the c-r-a-z-y I am determined to triumph.

Sterility

Today I sat next to a lady on the bus having a conversation with her fertility specialists office. The feeling of wanting to turn a bit in my seat and look at her was overwhelming but I resisted the urge to do so. I felt bad even wanting to turn to look at her and examine her 30 - something face - a face not unlike my own. Most women of child-bearing age spend the majority of those years finding ways to NOT bear children. We scheme and stuff ourselves full of hormones with little thought to the future. Or maybe it is the future that keeps us cramming the hormones into our fertile bodies, tricking our ovaries month after month. Pretty soon the months turn into years and before we know it the damage is done. When my time comes, I pray that if the gods don't see fit to forgive my sins - I'm in a position to pay.



Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring





























Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Sterility as failing to produce or incapable of producing offspring

"I'm in a good mood, you lucky, I got a good groove" (jay-z)

Nothing could be further from the truth actually. I'm in a ef-fed up mood, so really ya ain't so lucky and groove? What groove? I don't know what my deal is of late. I'm second guessing so many things and I don't like that. I don't do what if - I like to feel confident in my decisions. I'm not feeling confident at all.

I need a distraction.

Dear House gods,

Please stop letting things break in my house, I can't afford anymore. I can do light bulbs sir but not major appliances. I need my washing machine to work I really really do - please bring it back from the dead, it's NEW! I saw the receipt with my own eyes. I swear I did. Thank you for giving Jason the strength and wisdom to fix the toilet after his jackass friend flushed a piece of plastic down it. We are forever in your gratitude. But no more doors or windows or anything like that okay? We can't handle it...It makes me want to burn the house down - after all, that would be cheaper.



-Amen

Eyes wide shut

There has been nothing written because I'm afraid of what I have to say. In some way I feel like I should be talking about fields of daisies and baking cookies but, it's to cold for daisies and I need to Stop Eating! My belief in happily ever after...actually, I don't have a belief in happily ever after. I believe that life's tough and it gets harder for the most part. The past 4 months has been a roller coaster filled with highs and lows. In my mind I never imagined it would be this hard or this easy. Somehow, I knew it would be this worthwhile.

So much has happened. Contracts have been made and cancelled and then made again. Closing is scheduled for Monday at 1:30pm at this point. I will surrender my apartment on the 18th. It sounds so final, surrender. That apartment has been my home for the past almost eight years. I got it all by myself, no roommates, no parents nobody but me and God. I didn't even borrow a dime to get it - it was all my money.

After I got off of the phone with the management company yesterday my heart was beating a bit fast. I'm giving up a part of my independence, the single come and go as you please Maria will start to fade away. Don't get me wrong - I'm not exactly one to be put in a box but I'll have to do the courtesy "I'll be home late" call from now on. I'll also have to consider two if I stop for take out on the way home. What about my midnight refrigerator raids? Can I still do that? It's no secret this girl likes to indulge but there will be less secrets.

We're moving to Pear Tree Lane how surburan is that? It sounds like something from a 50's sitcom. I'm scared and nervous and happy all mixed up together. Monday I'm a home owner.

Things to do this lifetime

Run a half marathon - Done
Go on a wilderness trip (backpacking) - Done
Buy a house -Done
Get a license -Done
Buy property in Miami
Drive cross country
Visit as many beaches of the world as possible
Get serious about piano again
Host the holidays (cooked not catered) -Done
Own a piano
Ignore ignorant people -Trying
Buy a hotel
Buy a brownstone in Brooklyn
Volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving Day
Keep adding and crossing off things on this list

Tall Tales

Sometimes in order to tell a story I have to 'tell' a story. Not lies and untruths just all the details like, who said what and who was standing where. There have been times when my audience rushes me to the ending but it's so much more fun to get out the details then the punch line. Today as I shared stories with friends I lost lost track of time, it's such a good feeling.

I'm trying to figure out the next chapter in my life story these days. I'm toying with the idea of going back to school. It's never been on the list of maybe's for me - more like maybe NOT. I know I can do it, I could even do it well but I can't do it unless I'm excited. Finding a way to recapture the excitement that got me through the first go round is what is in the way.

My mission statement for life is to affect positive change in the world (and own a hotel). Is it possible to do both at the same time? Helping people vacation is after all a positive thing right? Maybe lawyer school? I like to write but I don't know if I'm cut out to be a novelist, short stories or blurbs on citysearch.com would be more my speed. I wonder who you have to sleep with to get a sweet gig like that?

Next year is the year to complete the 2009 plan for the 'next step'. Maybe it would help to create a list of things I want to do before I - well, I hestitate to say die. But, that's what I'm getting at.

Yeah that sounds like a good plan. It's better than a cheesy New Year's Resolution.

Sleepwalking

Yesterday we made an offer on the house and they accepted it. Of course it didn't actually go down like that. The back and forth went on all day and finally around 7pm we agreed to disagree or something like that. I still feel like I'm sleep walking. We're moving to New Jersey and I'm looking at it as the newest adventure in my life thus far. People are talking and adding their two cents to this decision - they can't seem to understand why we'd make this move. What I don't understand is why people have to always add their two cents. Isn't there something in your screwed up life that you could worry about?

As early as next month we could be living in sin. I can't believe it really. I feel like I'm actually starting to live my 'real life' and I must say that it does feel quite nice.

deal or no deal?

We found it. We found our house on Thursday. It's a two bedroom two and a half bath townhouse that overlooks a pond. I must say it seems surreal. The process has been so smooth and seamless that I found myself holding my breathe a few times today. Nothing in my life has ever moved so smoothly and I wish I didn't feel as if I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If all goes well I could very well be a homeowner before the new year! I can't wait to have a bedroom with a DOOR and an actual kitchen. I can finally entertain friends without causing a fire violation.

Next summer I can only being to imagine the possibilities of BBQ's and nights sitting under the stars on my patio. Thinking about heading over to the pool on Saturday mornings makes me nearly giddy with excitement.

There's no place like home

We've yet to go to the chapel but we've been to the mortgage banker. Me and the Man are looking for a place to call home. This experience is a little overwhelming, it's my biggest collaboration. The fact that we have a really clear (read: tight) budget is making things easier.

I can't seem to tear myself away from the internet real estate sites. It would be wonderful if I could take bits and pieces from several different homes and create my own unique place. In searching for the 'perfect' Realtor I've put out feelers looking for a personal referral. After all isn't it always better to use someone with whom you know their track record?

This morning I sent an email to an 'old friend' and he called back almost immediately to tell me that his townhouse is for sale as of this week! It's a bit out of my price range but I always loved that place. How crazy would it be to live there with the Man? I don't even think that its something that I could actually do. It's just to weird. I wouldn't even have to do a walk through - I've seen the whole place!

Sunday night, as Jason dropped me off in front of my building I turned to him and said, "You know pretty soon you won't have to drop me off because we'll live in the same place".

"I know" he said smiling. "But right now we don't and I need to get home and park the car on the right side so I don't have to move it in the morning".

Where everybody knows your name

Going to bars where the bartender is familiar with you is nice. Going anywhere where the staff knows you is nice because you know that you'll be taken care of. You don't have to repeat your preferences again and again you just say, "the usual" and they get it right. Ketel on the rocks with an extra lime is my usual unless I'm at Burrito Bar. If I'm at Burrito Bar my usual is a margarita straight up no salt and Courtney knows this. I love Courtney. I'm not drunk typing right now I'm actually very sober. Courtney is a struggling artist but who isn't in NYC?

Last week as I saddled up to the bar my eyes scanned behind the bar looking for Courtney to give her the nod. My eyes settled on a tall thin male 20 something behind the counter and I got disoriented for a minute. My heart beat a tad faster as I glanced at my friend and gushed, "Where's Courtney?". Apparently Courtney got a promotion and is a manager now. I tried to hide my disappointment as I ordered with new guy. When he asks if I'd like anything else I couldn't help but mutter, "Yeah, I want Courtney". I think he heard me.

Yesterday I thought I was strong enough to call my mother. I thought that I was strong enough to battle her depression and my own frustrations. I wasn't. I wish I had the strength to carry everyone I loved on my shoulders. Sometimes I wish I could cash them in for a set with less needs and issues, then I feel guilty. I love them and I know they love me but sometimes it's so hard to be a part of this family. It's. Just. So. Hard.

Drinking is sweet release and that scares me a bit. I don't want to go the way so many of my family has gone, seeking asylum in a bottle. Seriously, I don't think that could ever be me. I will never allow myself to become THAT person. I've spent to many years of my life running from that life. My dream has been to create a life that has peace. No more days dreading the night and what it may bring. No more sleeping in parked cars huddled next to those that I love because we can't go home.

Lately I've been having yearnings that I don't think are maternal but maybe they are. The yearnings are to nest. To find a house and make it a home. I'd be satisfied with just Jason and I as family if that is all that comes. But, I need a home. Perhaps on some level this IS maternal this need to nest and create roots. It's just that I've spent so much of my life wandering and I'm tired. I'm so so tired.