pre-date

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm focusing on tomorrow because I can't take anymore of today. Tomorrow after work I'm going to go home and get ready for my date with Jason. It's been a long two weeks and I am really in the mood for some good food, good drinks and TLC. I haven't really decided on what to wear. I should really do the pre-date fashion show tonight so that tomorrow I'm less stressed and can just take a shower and get dressed.

Having the opportunity to sit in the Unit these past few weeks has been an experience. I am doing my best to empathize, I am. Some of them are very sick I realize that. I also emphasize some of them because some of them are just very crazy. I think the chemo affects brain function or something. You think I'm going to hell, do you? Well, I'm sorry after a while working anywhere wears on the nerves a bit. I'm sure you've got jokes at your job also. I just look really evil cause at my job the folks sometimes are on their way to crossing Jordan.
It's been one of those weeks. I know, I know it's tuesday. I've been at work everyday except Sunday since last Monday so pardon me, it's been one of those weeks. I need some time off because I'm getting cold, really cold and it's not good. I'm smiling and nodding and on the inside I'm saying, "If I throw a stick will you go away?". If you don't want to go away I will. I want to cuddle up in my bed right now and sleep but I can't . Good thing I'm in the Urgent Care, maybe I could get one of the RN's to put my tea on IV 'cause I'm slippin' fast.


Tomorrow I'm meeting the girls for drinks and I so need it. I can't wait. Provided I can stay awake long enough to put back a few. My plan is to stay here tonight until I put a dent in my workload, I have a Monday deadline I'm trying to make. This is the biggest thing that I've worked on in my new position and I don't want my boss to think I'm a slacker. I'm not a slacker, I'm a multi-tasker. I can IM, email, blog and work all at the same time, can't you??

weekend plans

I'm feeling good today. I've got a busy weekend ahead and a work week full of overtime behind. Last night I met up with friends for dinner under the guise of "Book Club" at Mizu. I had edamame to start and then the Teka Don with salmon and a couple glasses of sake. It was delish. It was nice to see the girls and catch up. We got so caught up talking about life that we forgot to talk about the book! I left dinner in a very positive mood.
Tonight, I'm headed to the Coffee Shop to stake out a sidewalk table for drinks and people watching. If Union Square isn't the best people watching spot, I don't know what is. People of all shapes and sizes fill the Square at all times of the day. I wonder what they will be protesting tonight? There is ALWAYS a protest going on there. Maybe I'll see Drew Barrymore skateboarding again or that guy from the first Apprentice if he still lives on 14th. Sitting anywhere on the Square you just have to smile and say, "I love New York".
Sunday is an exciting day, I'm taking my self out to see Joss Stone. I'm going alone. I've been to the movies on a Saturday alone, I've even had lunch and early dinners alone. I've never gone out at night to something like this alone. I'm feeling good about it though. I want to step out of the box a little more. I did ask someone to come but they are out of town. I'm excited about being there alone because Joss Stone has an amazing voice and I'll be able to experience it without any distractions. I imagine it will be almost like when I listen to her cd's in my apartment and dance around in front of the mirror lipsyncing the words... only better. It will be better for the general public because I'll have on more than my underwear.

I'm on my way home to Brooklyn and the life I've created. I rarely look at it like that though. I should think of my life more like that. A creation.
I chose to live in Brooklyn, I did. I tried Manhattan it wasn't for me. The same with the Bronx. I dabbled with Queens but, they didn't want me. I suppose there was no place for my brown face in Kew Gardens back then (I experienced blatant verbal racism when I lived there-more than once).
Brooklyn opened her arms to me and I accepted. I chose to live alone the second time around in Brooklyn. I am the eldest of six children, I've rarely been alone. I sacrificed more space via a roommate to go at it alone in a studio. It felt so nice to come home and find things where you left them. To open the refrigerator and to have the food that you left there-still there. My mothers house was always filled with children, some not even related to me. My mother is a lover of children and her motto was, "What's one more?". Our house teemed with children running, playing, eating, laughing and or crying. The sounds were endless. I learned to sleep through any amount of noise. It was just something you had to do-if you wanted to sleep.
I've never regretted it but sometimes...sometimes I could use a goodnight hug or some night cap love, sometimes.
I didn't chose my cat. She was a gift, given to me after a break-up to ease the pain of loneliness. Keeping her was my choice.
For what it's worth I even chose my job-I chose all of it. If I'm unhappy with it then am I to blame?

done.

I'm so tired of people and their attitudes. I'm not going to walk on egg shells, holding my words with both hands to protect your ego. Grow up! I REFUSE to apologize for being me. I've searched so long for who I am, I can not deny me now. Perhaps if you knew who you were my strength would not offend you so. I choose not to live a life of regret. The beauty of life is that we all get to live our own. What do you choose? To snivel and whine your life away?
I hope the day you wake up and see that I was right I'm still here.

I met the girl of my dreams!

I met the girl of my dreams. I did! No, no it's nothing like that (not that there's anything wrong with that). I met the girl of my writing dreams, her name is, Stephanie Klein. She was all that I imagined, all New York girl without the attitude. It was so exciting to see her for the first time...her hair wasn't as red as I imagined, it's more strawberry blonde, her makeup was flawless and her smile warming.
After the workshop I flitted around the room talking to a few teachers all the while preparing to make my way for my introduction. After all, I couldn't get this close and not introduce myself. When I was done with the preliminaries I got in line (there was one person a head of me) to shake her hand. As I approached we made eye contact and I kind of wanted to run out of the room but it was far too late for that.

"Hi, Stephanie. I read your blog and... wanted to introduce myself...Maria"

Reaching both hands out to grasp my one as she smiles.

"Oh, thank you, tell me your name again?..."

"Maria"

"Maria"

Then we chatted a bit, you know, as writers do...

What I learned from Stephanie Klein:

Do it.

Don't be afraid.

I want to make a difference in this world, I want to write honestly and with all my heart. I'm a bit afraid but I'm going to Do it anyway.

I sat on the bed with you, wrapped up in your arms wishing you would stay. I wished you could see how much that I needed you. My head rested on your superman tatoo, I breathed in your scent and I wished that you could save me. From myself.
You took my face in your hands and turned my head to you. Your eyes looked sad.

"You know what's so sad?, Your beautiful and you don't even know it", you whispered and then you left.

A Memory

The year is 1995. Method Man and Mary are "All I need to get by", Mariah's in a "Fantasy" and Guru has "Mass Appeal. Chicka and I were up to our usual tricks and I was "going out" with "E", it didn't get better than that. In some ways I think I knew it was good, that I needed to savor the moments like you savor the last bite of your favorite dessert. You don't want it to end, even though you know that it has to. So, you kind of hold it in your mouth for a few seconds longer before you swallow so the taste lingers.

We had good times, me and "E". I don't want them back though. Sometimes people say how they want to go back, I don't. It was good, but I want to keep it there, I can go back and relive the memories.
I always kinda had in the back of my mind that one day when we were 50 something, we'd "get together with the kids" and the signifigant others and talk about the old days. I never imagined that it would be like this. That you'd be gone without a good bye, or a true reconciliation. I always thought I had more time. I got the message from my mom that you asked about me a while back, and I meant to get back to you but…life happened and then it was lower down on my to-do list. This way is so much more painful because there's so much I had left to say. It's all right there at the tip of my tongue and I need to dish. I need to tell you what's been going on since we last spoke and I need to hear your laugh and see you smile. Just don't seem like, fair. Just don't seem fair that you had to go so soon. Just doesn't seem fair that it's forever, it's so, final. You can't cry to make it stop, you can't press rewind. That's it.
I don't want to go back and relive the memories because you can't come.

I'm all for adoption

I've never had maternal pangs. I've never felt like I couldn't have a complete life it I didn't have children. I just never have. I've had maternal "pinches" if you will. Like when I spend time with my nieces or a friends kids and they're just so dawg garn cute, and I could just swish-em and kiss-em and love-em to death.
I have wondered what a child of mine would look like though, I've even gone so far as to include the features of the Man in my life(MIML) at the time. It's not that I don't love children, oh but I do. I love them bunches, this is why I am so hestitant to have one. I mean, what kind of mother would I BE?? I don't do well on limited sleep. I like to shower and change my clothes daily. Don't even lie, I have mother-friends and mother-sisters and I KNOW that sometimes just the daily basic needs are a chore.
I remember the 2 days I spent helping my sister with the kids after my brother-in-law had the motorcycle accident. It was all about pampers and feedings and cleaning up and holding. There wasn't much time spent with showers, sleep or eating. Sitting down doing nothing, having a moment to yourself to think or let your mind wander wasn't on the daily to-do list.
Then there is the whole labor thing, no one ever really wants to delve into that whole subject now, do they? I swear, every time someone close comes home from having a baby the FIRST thing that I ask is so, "How was it REALLY?". I ask because it's always a vague answer like, "Oh, it wasn't as bad as I thought" or "It hurt a lot but it was over fast". I feel like there is a blue wall of silence with this whole labor and delivery thing. I feel like they are all secretly conspiring with each other to claim another member.
I've seen the heads of some newborns and their heads are BIG. Newborn-shmewborn those suckers got heads like melons. I have trouble making some days and it's no where as large as a head.
I'm all for adoption.
I'm not being fair I suppose, I'm only stating the negative, the hard stuff. There is a lot of good stuff too, I've heard. They're sweet at "that age" that age where they depend on you and you depend on them to give you unconditional love. Then they get a little older and being to verbalize the world as they see it. We have all experienced life "from the mouth of babes". They say it how they see it, straight up and raw. It makes us laugh until we cry sometimes. This is the good stuff; this is the stuff you remember. This is the stuff I could miss out on.
Today I found out that the MIML who is having paternal pangs, has TWINS that run in his family. His paternal grandmother had twin boys. His father didn't have any. If my high school biology serves me correctly this means the MIML is due for a double bundle of joy. So let's say we "made it official" ... the possibilities!
Here I was hesitant of the mother I would be to one child and there is a possiblity of TWINS! and you know it's so going to happen to me because well, "this is my life" and if it can happen it will happen to me. I admit I'm rushing a bit a head of myself. I've got myself married and pregnant and we've only been dating for 6 months.
Maybe I'm being overly anxious. Maybe I'm being selfish. It's just that, I'm getting "older" (there I said it) and "everyone's doing it". Everyone is getting married and having babies or some variation there of and here I am with my MIML and an unsure future. Not that marriage is a sure anything, I've learned. I don't feel pressure in the sense that I want to do it because others are, I feel pressure from within to decide for myself which way I want to sail this ship.
It's not that I don't want children in my life. I'm open to adoption which is a much less painful option. However, this is not something that I want to do alone. I'm not that type of girl. I don't want to go down the single-mother-take-on-the-world road. I need a husband to stand by me with his hand on my elbow to make sure that when I stumble down road of motherhood that I don't fall. I know there are plenty of women out there strong, intelligent woman making the choice to do it alone. There are some of those same women who had the choice made for them. I want to make the choice to have a child when I'm ready with someone who is equally ready 'cause twins is double duty!

100 things

1. I'm kinda scared of growing old-but I'm beginning to realize that it's a blessing.
2. I grew up on Long Island.
3. I'm an aunt to 3 nieces.
4. I fear rejection.
5. I am terrified of the backlash this blog may bring, but I want to speak what is on my heart.
6. I love the beach and to travel.
7. I had my first drink as a Junior in college-I was afraid that if I drank I would become an alcoholic.
8. My father is an alcoholic.
9. I've never done any drugs, not even weed.
10. I want to adopt children one day.
11. I will not have a child unless I'm married.
12. I'm a huge fan of Seinfeld. The season ended on my 22nd birthday.
13. That is the day I graduated from NYU.
14. I have a cat.
15. I don't care for dogs at all, I think that they are all wild beasts waiting to turn on you. In April 2005 one bit me. I was just walking down the street and did nothing to instigate the attack.
16. I have a hard time taking criticism or compliments. I often take them personally and feel like I don't deserve either.
17. I am really working on this-it is a flaw.
18. I'm glad I got to see New Orleans pre-Katrina.
19. I don't drink carbonated beverages but sometimes I have a swig of Pepsi (only Pepsi) with my pizza.
20. My mom's name was Grace Kelly before she was married.
21. I studied karate.
22. I was assaulted on the subway twice. Which is why I did #21.
23. I was never assaulted again.
24. I am severely allergic to shellfish, especially shrimp. I could die if I eat it.
25. All of my grandparents are dead.
26. I love food. I can't even pick a favorite cuisine-depends on my mood.
27. My music taste depends on my mood.
28. I've taking piano lessons at different points in my life. The last time was college, I got kinda good but haven't praticed in years.
29. I was in love with John Starks (formerly of the New York Knicks) in High School.
30. I went to my first Yankees game Summer of 2005.
31. I don't have a drivers license-but I will soon.
32. I dated a married man. I didn't know he was married at first...Then I did.
33. I like the color purple.
34. I used to date a lot of losers. For 2005 I decided "No Mas".
35. I met a nice guy.
36. I never like the way that I look in pictures.
37. I don't curse...Ever - for serious...
38. I was in therapy for 3 years. I stopped because it was really expensive but sometimes I wish I still had that outlet.
39. I believe in God.
40. I believe in Satan. You should too-after all, he believes in you.
41. I'm not registered with a political party.
42. I only became interested in politics in the last few years. What I've learned is some scary 'ish.
43. I worked at Bloomingdales in the evenings last holiday season. It was a lot of fun.
44. My middle name is Michel (pronounced My-Kel) but I tell everyone it's pronounced Michelle.
45. I bought and read, "He's just not that into you".
46. I love shoes.
47. I love pocket books.
48. I have too many of each.
49. I am afraid of being judged.
50. I am afraid of being labeled.
51. I was sometimes teased in elementary school. I don't remember why.
52. I dated the Homecoming King in High School.
53. I pee ALOT.
54. I like kisses on the cheek.
55. I have secrets I can't tell.
56. I don't play video games. I don't know how.
57. I don't have cable.
58. I wasn't allowed to watch much t.v. growing up.
59. I read a lot. I still do.
60. Dean Koontz is my favorite writer. I would like to meet him.
61. Christy Turlington was in my freshman psychology class. I didn't realize who she was until half-way through the semester. I just thought that she was really pretty.
62. I sometimes wish I had an older sibling.
63. I'm the oldest.
64. I want to make a difference in the world.
65. I am a very organized person.
66. Sometimes I want to just pick-up and go-move somewhere else, start over.
67. I never again want to live on Long Island.
68. If I had a little girl, I would name her Davis.
69. I believe everyone should have a cake on their birthdays.
70. I prefer homemade cake to bakery cake any day.
71. I don't drink coffee.
72. I believe in karma.
73. Sometimes I take diet pills.
74. I go to church. Sometimes I miss.
75. I like to make people laugh.
76. I have a sarcastic sense of humor.
77. I went to college pre-med.
78. I'm not a doctor.
79. I'm going back to school for photography.
80. I think that's what I want to be when I grow up.
81. I'm addicted to lotion. I must be moisturized at all times. This included my lips.
82. Friends make fun of me for this.
83. I've worn glasses since I was 8 or 9.
84. I got my period when I was 9.
85. When I was a little girl I always felt "older" mentally.
85. I have bouts of depression.
86. I started therapy because I was so sad that I was afraid if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop.
87. Therapy really helped a lot. I've got a better handle on life but sometimes I still have sad days.
88. I usually initiate get togethers with friends.
89. I have a bbq in Prospect Park every summer.
90. Sometimes I wonder what people see when they see me...
91. I have a gap between my teeth. I've never wanted braces because of it.
92. I'm always cold. I carry a pashmina-type shawl in my bag year round.
93. I love yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
94. I don't really like to cook. I sometimes bake during the winter months though.
95. I wanted to be married by the time I was 27.
96. I'm not good at lying.
97. I don't like getting my hands dirty. I wear gloves for dirty jobs.
98. I relax (chemically straighten) my own hair.
99. I generally don't wear one scent alone, I mix.
100. I don't send my laundry out. I can't stand the thought of someone touching my dirty clothes. (at the end of 2005-I started to send it out because I never had time to do it myself. It's not as bad as I thought)
101. I hate the sound that you hear when someone picks at their nails.
102. I hate winter.
103. I buy bathing suits online in the winter to cheer myself up.
104. I have to prepare myself weeks in advance when I have an appointment with "That Doctor" I hate it that much.
105. My uncle's name is R. Kelly
106. I'm a 36B and I don't mind-it's a handful, and that's all I need.
107. Everyone always asks me to google stuff for them.

walking on sunshine...

Sun shining bright, laughter, cool drinks and sidewalk cafes. The things that summer is made of, and it's all coming to an end. It's got me a bit down but I refuse to let it take me out. I wish I had the finances to take a cruise before the year ends but alas, I do not.
So I'll just flip through some old pics and take a trip down memory lane.

This is the view from Royal Caribbean's Serenade of the Seas. The island is St. Thomas or St. Lucia I believe. We visited so many islands on the cruise it's really hard to keep it all straight. They are all so lovely though.

I need to plan my next get away. Travel planning is my Prozac. It helps me keep the demons away. The actual execution of the trip is the exorcism for me. There is nothing better for me than waking up at dawn slipping into my bathing suit, throwing on a sarong and flip flops and heading out to the beach. As soon as my feet hit the sand I'm home. I love the beach. I pick a spot, rent a chair and prepare to relax. The sound of the waves and the smell of the salt isn't something that can be imitated. I can literally lay there for hours with or without company.

I've heard that some people don't like to go away because they come back depressed, down at the fact that they have to return to their "real life". Coming back isn't hard at all when I have a my next get away lined up. Sometimes that line-up is only in my head mind you but - hey it's lined up none the less.

I kinda wanted to hold off on planning a late winter/early spring fling since I've got two recently engaged folks out there who are having destination weddings one day soon. No dates have been set as of this minute (as far as I know) but next year is a definetly possiblity. I would like to build a vacation around one of those weddings but the suspense of waiting for a date is really killing me and I've got two friends who are jonesin' for a weekend cruise getaway. What's a girl to do?